If You Are Reading This Hard Times Headline, You Are ANTIFA, and You Have Already Been Sentenced to 100 Years in Prison

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Dear reader and threat to America, 

As you are probably aware, a group of 9 anti-ICE protestors recently received abnormally long sentences for their involvement in a demonstration that led to one police officer being wounded. The severity of their punishments is due to their ties to ANTIFA, the totally real terrorist organization, which these protestors were declared members of by evidence as damaging as the possession of left-leaning zines. We understand that many of you are angry over this. Well, good news, you’ll see those 9 protestors again very soon! 

If this headline has even made it in front of your eyeballs, you are a dangerous member of the ANTIFA terror organization, and you will be imprisoned for 100 years. 

Don’t worry, your trial has already been held. Once you bend the law to the point where you can use possession of fucking zines to not only convict people but sentence them to more than quadruple the time their crimes would normally warrant, the sky is the limit! We convinced a judge in Texas to extend the sentencing of those rioters to anyone who has read materials we deem illicit. 

Oh, you lost your trial, by the way. 100 years in prison, see ya never. 

Even if you manage to get it overturned in the courts, it will take so long that the rapture will have already happened by then, so there’s really no point in making a big fuss here. Just take the ‘L’ and shuffle off calmly to prison for the rest of your natural life. 

How is this dangerous literature? Isn’t this protected by some sort of satire or parody law? Well, yes, that sounds true, but think of what must be peppered into some of these “joke” articles. Surely, while making fun of us for shooting innocent Americans in cold blood or committing war crimes or violating the constituti-whateverthefuck, they’ve accidentally included details about how to legally observe ICE, or pressure your elected officials into voting against the Trump agenda. In other words, how to commit terrorism. 

We’ve also received word that they’ve been critical of capitalism, going so far as to call it imperfect. Come on guys, you had to know this day was coming. 

It’s not just you pinko punks getting rounded up, either. All satire carries the risk of criticism, and that’s a risk our flacid egos aren’t willing to take. We’re building a network of camps for anyone who has ever read The Onion, a mandatory re-education facility for anyone who follows Reductress, and an insane Asylum for fans of Clickhole, but one of those old-timey ones where they just electrocute you, even though they know that doesn’t work and probably, if anything, makes people more insane.  

Babylon Bee, never a false note out of you guys, you just keep on keepin’ on. 

We know what ACAB means, okay?! You think we don’t, but guess what, we do! It took us like 12 years, but we’ve narrowed it down to either something about cops being bad or some kind of sex position, and either way, naughty! 

Oh, but “ANTIFA isn’t a real organization, it’s basically just a meme shared by people who oppose fascism,” you’re probably whining. But see, that’s the beauty of it! In the past, when the government wanted to take down a group, we needed to have all these charts and records of who’s who and which disenter is leading what faction and blah blah blah — headache! But with ANTIFA being completely decentralized by not existing, anyone we don’t like can just be an ANTIFA! All we need you to do is like a comment about how we shouldn’t have blown up a school full of “innocent” school children, and boom, you’re basically a Weatherman. 

“But even if ANTIFA were real, which it provably isn’t, there are no standalone laws regarding domestic terrorist organizations!” one of you freaks who actually reads PBS News will probably point out. And like, yeah, we know! That’s why we issued cruel and unusual punishments for crimes that do exist! It’s called exploiting the system, and we never do it, and we’re AWESOME at it. 

While you’re serving your century, you can think about the, on average, 2 months to 3.5 years sentence you tried to give those poor, misunderstood January 6th rioters before Trump set them free.

IMPORTANT: Please Review These Rules Before Entering Lee Greenwood’s Fuck-a-Fan Contest

Posted on by Tim Sheard

At this point, you have undoubtedly heard of American country singer Lee Greenwood’s Fuck-A-Fan contest, and chances are high that you’ve already registered. However, if this is not yet the case, we’ve taken the liberty of posting the rules here so you can be aware of what is being asked of all contestants. This will ensure the winner is chosen through a safe, fair, and most importantly, pleasurable process. Please read below.

  1. All applicants must be American citizens who are at least 18 years of age.

This should go without speaking, as Mr. Greenwood is nothing if not a patriot who refuses to penetrate or be penetrated by anyone who’s not a fellow, legal citizen of consenting age. He may openly support a pedophile president, but that does not mean he is one himself.

  1. All applicants must provide proof of purchase for Mr. Greenwood’s God Bless the U.S.A. Bible.

This is non-negotiable. The legendary Grammy Award winner will not be fucking anybody without an assurance that they, too, are bound for heaven, and we all know that is only a destination made attainable through buying his personalized version of the Word of the Lord.

  1. All applicants must provide a clean STI test, but NOT a clean COVID test.

Mr. Greenwood is well aware that COVID-19 is a liberal hoax, and expects anyone he fucks to share in this knowledge. He also has no interest in catching gonorrhea again.

  1. Only applicants residing in solid red states will be considered.

While we certainly sympathize with country fans who are currently trapped in the hellscapes of states like California and New York, we cannot in good conscience allow them to sully history’s greatest country musician with their polluted orifices. Liberalism is a disease, and there are mountains of evidence demonstrating that it is sexually transmitted.

  1. Any resulting pregnancies must be carried to term.

It is vital that all applicants are aware of this, as Mr. Greenwood refuses to use condoms, and his approach to the famed “pull-out method” has slowed significantly ever since he entered his eighth decade. As a God-fearing American, he obviously believes babies are a gift from Jesus Christ, and expects his future fuck-partner to feel the same. While this is by no means an assurance that he will provide monetary or emotional support to the mother of any future child, he has graciously agreed to arrange for a signed photo to be sent upon receipt of the official birth certificate.

There you have it. Please be sure to complete your application by Christmas. Good luck and God Bless!

Dave Mustaine Too Busy Filing Complaints With Amoeba Music’s Manager To Record ‘What’s in My Bag?’ Segment

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Legendary thrash musician and Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine was too busy complaining to the manager of Amoeba Music to record his “What’s in My Bag?” segment, sources report.

“I was asked to stop in to film this segment during the LA stop of our tour,” Mustaine said. “At first, I thought it was a great idea, as I could buy five Megadeth albums and talk about how much better my solos are than Kirk Hammett’s, but I noticed the temperature in the building wasn’t quite to my liking, so I thought I’d give my two cents to some nearby staff members. They weren’t quick enough to fix the issue for me, so of course I requested to speak to the manager. While I was at it, I also mentioned how disrespectful it is that they only have two copies of ‘Risk’ on vinyl. Needless to say, I didn’t have time to film.”

Camera operator Todd Fairbanks recounted his experience trying to complete the segment.

“Figures I get called in to work on Mustaine day,” Fairbanks said. “Does he not know how much of a hassle it is to get everything all set up and ready to film? We stood around for three hours while he complained to management before we finally called it quits. Seriously, the last thing I saw before I walked out of the building was him yelling at management for not putting his band’s records in the front and center of the store. I guess this one’s on us for thinking we could get him to stop bitching about something for long enough to talk about his purchases.”

Manager Deonte Griswold was the unlucky target of Mustaine’s ire.

“I’ve been working here for three years, and he’s by far the most annoying customer I’ve ever seen,” Griswold observed. “It’s like he was born to be an obnoxious asshole. I mean, the guy totally lost his shit when ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ played on our loudspeaker, as if I’m the one who curates the playlists here. I didn’t think anything could be worse than the experience we had when Glenn Danzig came in, but I stand corrected. I’ll be so happy when we stop inviting famous musicians in here, because most of them fucking suck as human beings.”

At press time, Mustaine was seen starting his own competing record shop after getting kicked out of Amoeba.

It’s Time We Un-Cancel Michale Graves Because I Just Booked Him for a Gig Next Week

Posted on by Ben Friedman

It’s your old friend Paddy here with an important PSA, and no, I don’t have your money yet, but I’ll get it next week, trust me. We have more important things to discuss anyway, like what the hell happened to the concept of forgiving and forgetting? Everyone moans about how there aren’t any good shows in the area, and then turns around to bust my balls when I book an act that’s been deemed “cancelled” by some basement-dwelling party poopers. 

We can still have fun and enjoy artists whose ideological outlook doesn’t exactly align with the majority of punks, right? So let’s all take a deep breath, count to three, and un-cancel Michale Graves because I just booked him at Otto’s Shrunken Head next week.

I said don’t freak out! Look, I get it that his political views go against everything punk is about, but if we’re going to break everyone’s artists’ balls when they get caught endorsing the Proud Boys, then is the scene really as inclusive as it wants to be? I knew Joey Ramone because he punched me in the face at Bowery Ballroom once, and iconoclast or not, he was pro trickle-down economics, and you don’t see anyone shunning his work.

And before you ask, Michale was with me on January 6th in Washington, admiring the paintings at the National Portrait Gallery and nowhere else.

Seriously, he was in the fucking Misfits for almost as long as Danzig! That’s gotta count for something, right? So come on down and see him play “Dig Up Her Bones” probably! Come on, just un-cancel him for two hours next Thursday and see how it goes. Hey, you can even volunteer to bartend since the staff is refusing to show up if Michale plays!

Don’t think of seeing him as compromising your values, just look at it like you’re supporting a local business on open mic night, but it’s $34.99 plus taxes and fees, and I get a 40% cut. If you do this for me, I promise I’ll book a band that is still in everyone’s good graces and will return my calls. Deal?

At the end of the day, this is a business, not a purity test. So put on your adult pants and adult studded belts and cut him some slack, because neither of us can afford to lose money on another show cancellation and have to go back to working minimum wage.

Hardest Part of Sex Worker’s Job Is Pretending Tony Hinchcliffe’s Punches Hurt

Posted on by Ian Steffé

AUSTIN, Texas — Local sex worker Alyx Cline revealed this week that the public has a wildly inaccurate understanding of her profession’s greatest challenges and that the true hazard of the job is the grueling labor of pretending podcaster Tony Hinchcliffe’s punches actually hurt, confirmed sources.

“People think it’s easy. Just sex and cash,” Cline said. “But between screening clients, managing schedules, and navigating a political climate that constantly attacks women and alternative lifestyles, the job is already a grind. But nothing prepares you for the absolute chore of selling Tony’s punches. His hands feel like pipe cleaners paintbrushing your face. I’m out here trying to pretend he’s a big, strong man so he can finally cum, and it’s like getting slapped by a tubercular child. My dude is weaker than decaf.”

When reached for comment, Hinchcliffe immediately became combative.

“You think I pay for sex? You think me, the guy who just so happens to have all this cash on him, pays for sex?” Hinchcliffe shouted. “The guy who built ‘Kill Tony’? The guy who discovered huge stars like uh… like that Russian guy who vapes and says racist shit? Or uh… the Southern guy who says racist shit, but really fast? Oh! And the disabled guy who does racist shit through a text-to-speech box? Huh? You think a guy who is friends with Bert fucking Kreischer needs to pay for sex? Do you? No, seriously, do you? Do… you? What do you really think of me? Please don’t leave.”

Andrew Torres, a local advocate and social worker, confirmed that Cline’s experience is far from isolated while rifling through a thick stack of identical complaints.

“Let’s see here, ‘Feels like being butterfly-kissed by expired deli meat.’ Another says he has ‘the striking power of earthworm dick,’” Torres read aloud. “And those are the normal ones. One sex worker reported that Tony made her put on a bald cap and kneel inside a pair of size-9 boots while he broke down crying and apologized to a ‘Mr. Rogan.’ Other times she has to stuff pillows up her shirt and put on a patchy goatee so Tony can pretend to play catch with Shane Gillis. It’s honestly more depressing than anything.”

As of press time, Hinchcliffe reportedly joined a boxing gym and hired a personal trainer to help him diversify his act that goes beyond just punching down. 

SpaceX Sets Record for Tallest Overcompensation Ever Built

Posted on by Finn Kobler

STARBASE, Tex. — Aerospace manufacturer SpaceX broke the Guinness World Record for tallest overcompensation ever built, eking out competitors like Burj Khalifa engineer Adrian Smith and Shaquille O’Neal after his comments about the WNBA, confirmed sources.

“The Burj Dubai is technically larger, but it’s not about the size of the ship. It’s the motion of the deeply-seated phallic insecurity,” said Guinness evaluator Michael Slovsky. “We have to examine these things holistically, asking questions like: how many women were talked over during the blueprinting process? How many atmospheres did the pilots lie about already penetrating? How many jet propulsion experts’ mothers were present at the first launch, telling them they’re big tough boys? All of these dynamics play a factor in our accomplishment calculus.” 

Slovsky noted, in addition to the rocket’s height, it was the astronauts’ constant name-dropping of all the huge planets they were going to visit that secured their achievement. 

“SpaceX thinks 124 meters is an impressive feat, but actually, a lot of women, I mean, um, galaxies, say it’s too much. Painful even. 40 meters is more than enough to satisfy most aphelions,” shouted RocketLab CEO Sir Peter Beck from his cherry red Lamborghini after not being let into the launch party. “Plus, I hear Starship can only generate 16 million pounds of thrust. Our machines can generate 20 million…probably up to 24, if we stopped using SSRIs (Space Science Research Institutes).” 

When asked to prove this horsepower, Beck said they would but their engineers are just so tired from a full day of bench pressing 315 pounds and reading intersectional feminist literature that they probably shouldn’t. 

“At the very least, it’s inspired my nine-year-old son not to become an astrophysicist, but to make things needlessly larger to compensate for his low self-esteem,” said nearby Texas resident Addison McLeary. “Since he heard about SpaceX, he started filling his backpack with loose gravel so he can brag about how heavy it is and photoshop himself next to foreign billionaires to show his classmates. Most of his friends are too young to even use Instagram so I don’t know why they’d care about him getting fake brunch with Sundar Pichai. So much for gentle parenting.”

At press time, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk responded to the accusation of overcompensation, simply by saying “Nuh uh!”

Where Have All the Real Women Gone? All I Want Is To Find a Girl I Can Have a Deep, Philosophical, Me-Talking-Only Conversation With

Posted on by Livy Berry

Once again, I have found myself in a situation where I am frustrated to say the least at all the women I am encountering in my life. Not a single one of them will even try to match my level of intellect, and it’s making me seriously lose hope in our future as humans. Is it really too much to ask that females rise above their current, subpar standard of conversation to meet the rest of us adults? I mean, come on! You’ve been crying equal rights for so long, now’s your chance to prove your worth and engage in intellectually stimulating conversation by letting me tell you my opinions and why they’re right.

The women of this generation are just so vapid, I don’t understand why they can’t act more like my grandmother who always lets me talk as long as I want. She really understands what’s important in this world, and it’s a shame the women of today have become so superficial. Are there any studies being done on this? Because we really should be getting to the bottom of why the female species insists on thinking only about Chad instead of what actually matters like the market economy.

Every time I’m conversing with a woman, she only ever wants to talk about makeup, clothes, or the “literacy crisis going on in America right now,” but never my full, completely uninterrupted explanation of why Joe Rogan is the Socrates of our time and should be regarded as such by the general public. Not only will she refuse to listen to my explanation wholly and fully, but she’ll make herself hysterical, calling me names and bringing up something about echo chambers like we were even talking about that woo-woo, spa therapy bullshit.

Here’s a PSA to all women: the smartest thing you can do when presented with an intelligent, perfectly constructed argument is to nod silently in agreement! A lot of women don’t like hearing that, but it’s the truth. This is something that men inherently understand; I don’t recall ever feeling yapped over by my fellow man, and I think that experience is sociologically legitimate and relatable to men everywhere. These females can call me old fashioned all they want, but I’d actually prefer they didn’t because I was talking just then and deserve to finish. 

You know what? Whatever. I’m tired of being the only one willing to go deep and talk about the real stuff, like the unendingness of the universe or why women aren’t biologically equipped to be president. I’ll be going to my grandmother’s house to cool down because her special boy needs some time to rest. 

White House Physician: Trump’s Narcolepsy ‘Normal’ for a Healthy Octogenarian Pedophile 

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

WASHINGTON — White House physician, Captain Sean Barbarella, announced that recent viral clips of President Trump snoozing at his desk during Oval Office press conferences and nodding off in a luxury box at Madison Square Garden during the NBA Finals are “no cause for concern and totally normal for a healthy octogenarian pedophile,” confirmed sources.

“Frequent daytime sleeping can be a red flag for a host of health issues, but that’s not the case for President Trump,” said Barbarella. “I’ve treated sex pests half his age who get tuckered out by the mere mention of their past convictions for sex crimes, but with this president, even after a morning of strenuous test prep for his next cognitive exam for dementia, only questions about what what he wrote in other unearthed birthday cards to Jeffrey Epstein render him totally knackered.”  

Right-wing podcaster and Trump loyalist Lara Loomer blasted critics who mocked the White House physician’s statement. 

“The idea that his constant dozing off at all hours of the day suggests that President Trump is unfit to lead our nation into a new golden age is just dishonest propaganda pushed by the woke jihadists suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome,” said Loomer. “President Trump is an indefatigable fighter! If his tireless efforts to take our country back from the enemies of liberty require him to sneak in 20 to 25 catnaps a day, we need to remember ‘freedom isn’t free!’”

Sleep specialist and neurologist Dr. Sandra Teel suggested that Trump’s narcolepsy could be triggered by any number of stressors beyond the simple fact that he was recently found liable of sexual abuse in a high profile civil case or that he was best friends with a notorious sexual predator. 

“If the president’s erratic napping was always punctuated with Trump mumbling the names of his favorite underaged Mar-a-Lago masseuses that Epstein stole out from under him, then maybe I could agree with the White House physician’s rosy prognosis,” said Teel. “But we shouldn’t overlook the possibility that Trump’s narcolepsy could also be intensified by other stressors. By most accounts, the president is an unrepentant narcissist, but being a war criminal responsible for the deaths of scores of innocent children and knowing that people around the globe will delight in your death can also trigger stress levels that exacerbate narcolepsy.”

At press time, the president’s gastroenterologist claimed Trump’s propensity to shit himself is a sign of health and vigor in a man of his age who has spent the last 30 years lusting after his own daughter.

Trump Softens on GWAR After Learning They Own Slaves 

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — A recent federal investigation into the theatrical rock group GWAR regarding their mock execution of Donald Trump on stage has been called off by Trump himself after the President learned that GWAR uses slave labor, sources close to the White House report. 

“I take threats against my life that I have not personally orchestrated very seriously,” the president explained in a lengthy post to Truth Social. “When GWAR staged a fake Trump execution, I thought ‘Who the hell are these jabronies?’ but having looked into the matter personally, I can assure you, there is no threat. GWAR are some great people, some fantastic people, especially their labor practices; I’m a huge fan of that. They look a little, you know, odd, but I can tell we’re going to be making some fantastic deals with GWAR. I mean, I’ve said it from day one: we should be friends with Scumdogia! They know how to get things done over there!”

Trump was likely alluding to GWAR’s “Slave Pit,” the tongue-in-cheek name given to the large roster of designers and crew members necessary to pull off their elaborate stage performances. 

“This is absolutely ridiculous!” said Slave Pit member Henry Kirch. “I mean it’s fucking ludicrous that this investigation happened in the first place; we were exercising our right to free speech as we always have, but now it’s only being dropped because Trump thinks we’re actual slaves?! The slave thing is just a gimmick! I’m the goddamn stage manager; technically I’m GWAR’s boss!” Kirch then became visibly nervous and added, “Don’t let Balsac the Jaws of Death know I said that.” 

Current GWAR frontman Blöthar the Berserker expressed mixed feelings about the investigation being dropped. 

“Blöthar resents the implication that he has anything in common with that boated cheeto of a fascist prick! I mean sure, I’m a pig-goblin, but look at that guy! Sure, we exploit human slave labor, but that’s just to give those poor pathetic creatures a little something to do before we slaughter them and throw their corpses on a pyre to light our crack pipes! We’re warrior scumdogian refugees; he’s supposed to be the President of the United States.”

Insiders report that GWAR is currently working on rekindling the president’s ire by making a harmless joke about Charlie Kirk.

The Five Most Horrifying Naked People I Saw on “Real Sex” During That Free Weekend of HBO I Got in 1999

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Ahhh, “Real Sex”. Remember that show? No? Well, you just weren’t lucky enough to have Comcast randomly gift your household a free weekend of HBO in the summer of 1999 just before you started seventh grade like I was. Don’t worry, though, because there’s no need for you to be jealous, as this show ultimately proved itself to be just a bit too “real” for me. As such, here are the five most horrifying naked people I saw on that sunny July weekend.

  1. The Old Guy With the Prince Albert

Yeah, I did not have this guy in mind when I toggled to HBO (with one finger on the “last channel” button of the remote so anyone who happened into the living room would just think I was watching “Mad TV”) only to have the first shot be of the pierced schlong of some senior citizen at a swingers’ camping convention right after he whipped it out to show the camera operator. I mean, good for him, but it definitely was not what I was expecting. To this day, I can’t help wondering if every old guy I walk past has a stylish ring through his urethra.

  1. The Penis Puppeteer

Do I really need to include an explanation as to what this entailed? It just wasn’t an appropriate watch for someone who was coming into his sexuality. I’d be so much better off today if my dad had just given me a stack of Hustlers and put the TV out on the curb. Thanks a lot, HBO.

  1. The Adult Baby

No shame if this is your kink, but they really didn’t need to show the diapers being used. A simple verbal explanation of this particular fetish would have done wonders for my imagination, but instead I was left with the mental image of a 46-year-old financial planner pissing into his Huggies while holding a bottle of what I sincerely hope was just cow’s milk. Do you know how hard it was to revert to FreeOnes after that? 

  1. The Masturbation Club Members

Why couldn’t it have been a free weekend of Cinemax instead, huh? I gladly would’ve taken absurdly simulated softcore sex acts over a hotel room filled with people who have turned jacking off into a social club. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: 99.99% of the human race consists of people I don’t want to see masturbate, and that is a conservative number.

  1. The Oil Wrestlers

Oil wrestling can be a fantastic activity to watch if it’s people who do not look like this. Jesus Christ. High-speed internet was right around the corner, but it was unfortunately too late for me. Sound off in the comments if your sexuality was forever warped by this nightmare of a program.

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