Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: The Only Way to Defeat Sauron is to Let Him Take Over Your Body and Rule Your City

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Let me start this off by saying that I despise Sauron as much as the rest of you. Sauron is a stain on our society and no one in the history of Middle Earth has done more to erase our precious norms. That being said, even though it may sound contradictory, the only way to defeat Sauron is to let him (via Saruman and Wormtongue) take over your body and rule your city with an iron fist.

Sauron represents an existential threat to the way we do things and he must be defeated. But if you think about the complex situation for a second, doesn’t it make sense for him to sort of flame out on his own? There’s no better way to show the people of Middle Earth that Sauron is an untrustworthy ruler than to grant him full power — let him take over your body, let him rule Gondor, let him rule Rivendell — and watch him squirm under the pressure. Only with unlimited, unchecked power, can we checkmate Sauron into losing the war because that’s how we get him to fall flat on his face for all to see.

To be honest, Sauron and I actually agree on a multitude of policy issues. I think the way he has terrorized the city of Rohan through my body, which is now withering and old due to his evil magic, has actually significantly improved things. But I can never condone the bombastic style in which he rules. Dressing in all black metal? Raising armies of trolls do your bidding? Watching over all of Middle Earth as a giant glowing red eye? Rulers are meant to be presentable, not call attention to their malevolence. And that is why we must do everything in our power to sit back and let Sauron defeat himself.

At the end of the day, we must do everything that we can to defeat Sauron. Unless, of course, someone else looks like they’re going to be the ruler of Middle Earth and they say mean things about me. Then, I’ll probably support Sauron. But until then, I am your ally in this fight against the dark lord Sauron and the wretched evil he represents. And if you want to get in this fight, you have a moral obligation to let him take over your body and rule your city.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: As an Empath, Racism Actually Affects Me More

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Jessica Carreiro

A lot of people look at me and see a stay-at-home mama with two beautiful, healthy babies, a home, a hubby, and, yes, flawless white skin. What they don’t see is the burden of the oppressed and marginalized African American experience that has been energetically passed onto me. But I bear that weight on my pasty shoulders. Fore it is the curse of being an empath: racism actually affects me more.

When you’re an empath, you take on other people’s pain like it’s your own. Whether you know them or not, their energy becomes your energy. Just yesterday I got into a conversation with a person of color at the coffee shop about the rising cost of rent in their neighborhood. Before I knew it, they were having to comfort me because I was in tears about the structural inequity of urban housing. It wasn’t my experience, but it did become my pain.

As you can imagine, the key to keeping my sanity has been learning to develop healthy boundaries. Even though they don’t mean to, many people of color don’t realize the discomfort they’re putting me through when they share stories like being passed over for jobs they were more qualified to get. It’s not their fault, but unloading all that hurt onto me drains me of my positive life force. Unless you’re an empath, you can’t know how this feels.

Some people have accused me of having “white privilege”. I wish that were true. It really would be a privilege not to constantly feel the anguish of inequality wreaking havoc on my aura. But like people of color, as an empath I was born into experiencing injustice. Only, for me, it’s worse. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. And my hubby wonders why I can’t do the laundry. LOL!

My advice to white empaths afflicted with generational racism is to speak out. Let people of color know that, on an energetic level, you understand how it feels to be subjected to racism. Maybe even more than they do. I’ve found that once they know what you’re struggling with, they’re actually shocked silent and will quickly leave to give your energy the space it needs to recover.

Flint Residents Advised to Wash Hands with Just Soap

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Tim Nash

FLINT, Mich. — Officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday afternoon that Flint, Mich. residents should use only soap when washing their hands and forego water, citing the volatile nature of their contaminated water supply.

“I have a friend who went to the University of Michigan in nearby Ann Arbor, so I’d heard rumors, but nothing prepared me for how awful it is,” admitted CDC analyst Amanda Jakowski. “How people here have survived this long is a mystery to me… and how they’ll handle COVID-19 is truly unclear, but I guess that’s what GoFundMe is for.”

However, beleaguered longtime inhabitants of the city appear more prepared than most of the country to combat a crisis after enduring decades of economic and environmental degradation.

“[COVID-19] hasn’t really changed much of my routine,” explained Bo Albertson, 45, who along with 8,000 others had his pipes shut off in 2017. “I’ve been taking sponge baths and brushing my teeth with Evian for nearly three years now. Bottled water reserves and using disinfectants regularly to stop the spread of bacteria and Legionnaires’ disease are just some of the ways Flint’s residents learned to cope. If anything, we’ve got a leg up on dealing with the lack of government response — the rest of this country still seems to have hope, and we know that’s pointless.”

Not even the efforts of famed Flint resident and activist, documentarian Michael Moore, have garnered the attention of government officials and corporations responsible for exacerbating the crisis.

“It’s truly baffling to me. I’ve frequently referenced the crisis on Twitter and talk shows, provided detailed facts on my website, and heavily criticized not just the actions of Republicans like former Gov. Rick Snyder, but also the Obama Administration’s blind eye,” explained an exasperated Moore, whose website includes a petition for the immediate removal and arrest of Gov. Snyder. “At least Pearl Jam donated some water bottles. That got us through the first week.”

Despite their many troubles, Jakowski stressed that under no circumstances should Flint residents resort to using the city’s tap water, stating that they are “…honestly, better off taking their chances with COVID-19.”

Obnoxious Cinephile Won’t Stop Clapping at the End of Every Annapurna Game

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

LOS ANGELES — Self-proclaimed cinephile Jordan Akerman, who had previously sworn off games as a lowbrow form of art, is currently playing through Annapurna Interactive’s entire catalogue and applauding at the end of each game.

Akerman’s negative attitude about video games immediately changed once he learned that independent film distributor Annapurna Pictures had a game publishing division. Now, he insists on standing up and clapping at the end of each of his playthroughs, despite no one else being in the room with him.

“It’s really getting out of hand,” Akerman’s roommate Jean Melville explained. “I have to walk through the living room to get to the kitchen, and I’ll just hear him going on and on about how What Remains Of Edith Finch is a brilliant, modern callback to Robert Altman’s Shortcuts. He’s not even explaining it to anyone, he’s just talking at the credits.”

As part of his newfound obsession, Akerman now exclusively refers to game developers as “auteurs,” going so far as to call Wattam a “singular artistic vision that could only come from someone as tuned into the current socio-political climate as Katamari Damacy director Keita Takahashi.” He considers staying seated at the end of a game to be an insult to the form.

Akerman’s Twitter feed has slowly filled up with tweets about “Game Awards season,” including one 34-tweet rant complaining that Outer Wilds’ snub at this year’s Game Awards was a travesty on par with The Master getting shut out at the Academy Awards.

“Megan Ellison is changing this industry and the gaming Academy refuses to acknowledge her contributions,” read one tweet, which had received no likes as of this article. “Meanwhile, a soulless theme park like Super Smash Bros. Ultimate gets a Game of the Year nomination. What has a big budget studio like Nintendo ever done for this medium?”

After finishing every game in the studio’s “ouvere,” Akerman lamented that no one else was developing games like Annapurna, a publisher that works exclusively with outside developers, nearly all of whom have other games available for purchase.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Useless NPC Shares Boring Personal Story That’s Not Even a Clue or Anything

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Chandler Dean

EDMOND, Okla. — Upon directing his hero to talk to a kindly NPC, local gamer Rory Leech was devastated to discover that the elderly character in question had nothing to offer but a boring personal story that wasn’t even a clue or anything.

“My family and I have lived in this village for 40 years!” said the cheery, ultimately inconsequential old loser providing absolutely no strategic value whatsoever. “We don’t get visitors much these days, so we’re pleased as punch to see you wander through. Would you like to hear about the savior who rebuilt this land after the Great Calamity?”

Despite selecting the dialogue option “no thanks,” Leech was subjected to upwards of 45 seconds of excruciating unskippable backstory that had no bearing on whether Leech would achieve 100% completion.

“I already have the dialogue text set to the highest possible speed, so I thought if I mashed X enough times the guy would shut up,” Leech explained. “But then some fuckin’ wistful lute music started playing over an illustrated cutscene and I thought, ‘oh Jesus, this is gonna be a whole deal, isn’t it?’”

When pressed on why he would approach the NPC in the first place if it was going to turn out to be such a massive waste of time, Leech attempted to explain his reasoning.

“I dunno, I went to talk to him because he looked all old and shit, so I figured he’d give me a staff or amulet or something,” Leech said. “Turns out he was just providing some dumbass exposition about his little baby family and the village’s oh-so-precious origin.”

“I don’t have time for that pointless stuff!” declared Leech, sedate on his couch.

After sitting through the monotonous tale revealing the obnoxiously rich tapestry of the game’s world, Leech went on to skip reading all of the town’s signs, tossed the sentimental but functionless item that the hero’s mother gave him, and zoomed past any cottages that didn’t appear to contain loot or secrets.

At press time, Leech ignored a text from his dad just “checking in” on him that didn’t even imply he was going to send him money anytime soon.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Netflix Orders Two More Weeks of Quarantine So Viewers Can Rewatch and Truly Understand “Tiger King”

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Bobby Korec

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix CEO Reed Hastings ordered two more weeks of nationwide quarantine to give subscribers a chance to rewatch and “fully wrap their heads around” the popular docuseries “Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness,” relieved sources confirmed.

“Every focus group we tested came back with one question: ‘What kind of Kafkaesque shit did I just watch?’” a pajama-clad Hastings said during the Zoom teleconference. “Most documentaries contain one very specific through-line that remains constant for the feature’s duration. ‘Tiger King,’ however, has dozens of subtle nuances and complex themes you definitely missed the first time around. It’s essentially 25 bat-shit documentaries wrapped into seven ‘not nearly long enough’ episodes. Do your part during this pandemic and watch this series several times over.”

Joseph Maldonado-Passage, the show’s main star better known as “Joe Exotic,” approved of the order.

“The more you watch that there documentary, the more you’ll see I’m totally innocent — at the very least I’m a modern day Jean Valjean,” said Maldonado-Passage before restating to the prison barber in great detail how he wanted his hair cut. “All you have to do is completely ignore my televised death threats and homicidal role-playing performances clearly directed at Carole Baskin… as well as all that money I transactionally gave that thick lump Allen Glover specifically to end Baskin’s life. Besides all that, it’s pretty obvious I ain’t do nothing.”

California Governor Gavin Newsom unanimously granted the extra quarantine request for California residents.

“I bought a bunch of stock in Netflix right before this whole pandemic went down, so it was a financially fruitful extension to grant, from my perspective,” Newsom said during a closed door meeting. “We want to get this economy back up and running at some point, but before we can do that, we need to truly understand what in the hell this documentary is about. We ask every citizen to please stay home to limit the spread of coronavirus and, more importantly, flatten the curve of confusion surrounding this baffling Netflix series. Also, I’ll make a few extra harmless bucks on the side. It’s a win-win.”

At press time, Hastings had ordered several “Tiger King” spin-offs to be released immediately to keep the general public talking about the series rather than the COVID-19 pandemic.

Woman Shaves Head So Eyeliner Wings Can Go All the Way Around

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Lauren Lavin

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Local woman Natasha Hinson shaved her head today to allow more space to achieve the perfect cat-eye makeup look, sources who don’t know how they got here confirmed.

“I’ve been in this house for days, and figured it’d be a good time to do something productive — like learn a new language, or try baking — but when I was looking around online, I somehow ended up watching makeup tutorials on YouTube for like, six hours,” Hinson explained. “It looks so easy, but Jesus Christ, you almost need to be a fucking architect to get these wings right. How the fuck do people get them so pointy?”

Hinson admitted her curious foray into makeup artistry led her to shave her entire head in a matter of hours.

“Well, I kept doing the one side thicker than the other side, so I had to keep adding to the thin one to even it out… but when you do that, you have to go a little longer, or it just looks like someone tagged your face with one of those giant Sharpies,” she explained. “I almost had it but hit hairline, so I did a little buzz-buzz to make room. By the time I got it down, I figured, why stop here? It took me two pencils worth of eyeliner to figure this out, and I’ve only got so much room on my face to show these bad boys off. There’s some primo real estate under this hair.”

Behavioral psychologist and amateur makeup artist Dr. Edina Wasson assures that Hinson’s experience is not terribly uncommon.

“The members of our species wearing exaggerated, perfectly-drawn eyeliner wings are often viewed as more likely to compliment a stranger’s outfit in a venue bathroom, and can pull off even the most obnoxious of filters without looking like they’re trying too hard — which is why most aim for overdrawn wings,” Dr. Wasson said. “Honestly, though, this girl’s look is wack. Sure, they’re the biggest wings on record, but she did that shit with a felt-tip — that’s child’s play. Pull that off with a kohl pencil and then we can talk.”

At press time, Hinson had elongated the wings even farther until they effectively wrapped from the top of her head to just below her knees.

Refurbished Joy Con Won’t Stop Talking About Its Trip to San Francisco

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

AKRON, Ohio — A joy con that was recently mailed back from San Francisco after having some drift issues repaired by Nintendo reportedly won’t stop bringing up its recent trip at every opportunity, annoyed sources have confirmed.

“I’m really glad to have my Joy Con back, don’t get me wrong,” said Gary Bright. “It was getting damn near impossible to play anything with drifting as bad as it was. So it’s not that I’m ungrateful, it’s just that it keeps mentioning the trip, or pointing out little things that are different in San Francisco. It’s so unnecessary and self centered. You’re back in Akron now dude, I don’t know what to tell you.”

The incidents have been recurring and happening with more and more regularity, causing tension in the quarantined house to escalate.

“Yeah, it’s super fucking annoying,” said Mitch Goosebeck, one of Bright’s roomates. “We were playing R.B.I. Baseball 20 and suddenly Gary’s controller started talking about the real Oracle Park and how the outfield bleachers were all wrong. Like, okay, even if that is true, we’re trying to play a game here!”

In addition to providing trivia and anecdotes about its recent work trip, the controller has also allegedly developed a pretentious disposition when talking to others its recent experience. Employees at Nintendo have warned that this may be an unintended side effect with any repairs made at their San Francisco offices.

“San Francisco is one of our most beautiful and interesting cities,” said Angela Cook, a representative for Nintendo of America. “So yeah, in addition to having a fully repaired and recalibrated analog controller, sometimes these controllers will come back with funny stories about the BART or interesting tidbits about Alcatraz, all the while insisting that you would have to visit ‘Frisco,’ yourself to truly get it.”

Nintendo executives also urged any customers who believe their Joy Con may have been infused with the soul of a human to please contact them about further refurbishment.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Ranked the Top 10 Most Metal Moments in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Zac Lux

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD

It’s not very often we get such a cataclysmic symbiosis of metal and tomfoolery in one cult classic movie, and when one such a film presents itself, The Hard Times analyzes it to understand exactly how metal it is so we can place it on our shelf accordingly. Here are the Top 10 Most Metal Moments of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective films.

10. Using his ass to talk to cops – Freaking insane. Who the hell uses their ass to talk to cops?! When’s the last time your ol’ pal Gizzard did that? All talk, no walk. Not for Ace! He’ll call a cop an asshole, with his asshole. Metal as hell. NOTE: There was plenty of back and forth at the office arguing that this was actually more “punk-rock” but we were able to establish it as a crossover-thrash maneuver that satisfies both parties.

9. Exorcising demons out of an apartment that’s also a crime scene – Interacting with demons in any sense is metal, sure, but to exorcise the demons? That’s next level. You mean this guy can solve crimes and expunge the lackeys of hell? Get this man a raise.

8. Deliberately jumping into a massive tank that held a Great White shark, gleefully swimming with it, and surviving – Sharks are probably the most metal animal in existence, coming just short of that humanoid seal creature on the cover of Riot’s “Fire Down Under” album. That thing’s empty, void-like eyes just chill me to the bone.

7. Ray Finkle’s mom saying that “Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.” while offering a fresh-baked football cookie – To deliver this brutal sentiment alongside a delightful treat with such ease is heavier than hell. The calm in her eyes as she gives him a tour of the house that is seemingly made of nightmares is especially unsettling.

6. Knocking out the richest man in the room, adorning him over his shoulders like a fur-wrap, and parading him around the party for all to behold – This scene pretty much speaks for itself.

5. Performing an explosive drum solo on mushrooms growing on the side of a tree in the middle of the jungle – He broke apart a freaking tree branch and busted out a blast-beat while on a quest to go find a God-bat. Even signing off with “We love you dark continent, good night!”

4. Selling out for 20 grand – Nothing is more metal than selling out. Maybe if he sued Napster in the process but this is a pretty good standalone metal moment.

3. Taking two spears to each respective thigh, while being referred to as a spawn of the Devil himself – Those spears went deep. All the way to the bone. What a badass.

2. Being birthed by a rhinoceros in front of a family of tourists – Can you imagine withstanding the heat inside of a giant mechanical and rubber rhino, while spying on the warden in The Shawshank Redemption, and then evacuating nude through the ass of said rhino, in front of a family that’s on a vacation? Metal af!

1a. Harnessing his fear of bats in order to put an end to violence in the province – This is only the first part of Ace’s most metal moment:

1b. Ace Ventura is actually Batman – It makes too much sense. The clues were right in front of us all along. Think about it:
He’s terrified of bats
He trained for years at a temple in the Himalayas.
His agility is unmatched.
He’s highly skilled in martial arts.
He’s just a man using his own means to fight injustice, he has no super-powers.
He never kills anyone, just knocks them out.
He’s an incredibly talented detective.
The cops hate him, he’s too much competition for them.
He’s a master of disguise.
His parents were killed in front of him.

When Ventura runs away from the Wajutsu and Wachati Tribes at the end of “When Nature Calls” we can only assume he is fleeing to the cave that was full of bats he investigated earlier in the film. It’s now his hideout, the only place he feels safe, sharing the cave with his ultimate fear. He knows that since the Princess of the Wachati Tribe is no longer a virgin, war will undoubtedly occur between the tribes of the province, with only Ventura to blame. Since everyone he’s interacted with since his arrival in Nibia knows his name, he changes it upon fleeing the country. He changes it to Bruce Wayne. A moniker acquired from Jim Carrey’s 2003 film, Bruce Almighty.

In Bruce Almighty, his character, Bruce Nolan, is dating Jennifer Aniston, one of the main characters of hit ’90s sitcom, Friends. He was introduced to her by none-other than his girlfriend in Pet Detective, Courtney Cox, who also starred in that same ’90s sitcom, Friends.
The kicker here, is that Bruce is interacting with God in this movie, played by none other than Morgan Freeman. Otherwise known as Lucius Fox, the head of research at Wayne Enterprises among several incredibly tactful roles in Christopher Nolan’s Batman.

Yes, Jim Carrey was the Riddler in Batman Forever. He took the role to learn from Val Kilmer how Bruce Wayne actually handles himself, so when it came to Nolan’s films later he would be able to go method like a breeze. You see, Christian Bale isn’t Batman in those films. It’s Jim Carrey wearing The Mask.

Carrey is Bale, Bale is Carrey, Carrey is a BATMAN!

EDITOR’S NOTE: We were originally planning on including Cannibal Corpse’s performance, along with the deleted scene of Ace screaming vocals for them, however, after much discussion, we agreed that their performance was not nearly metal enough to make the list in comparison to the several other metal moments listed above.

Benihana Responds to Coronavirus with Curbside Onion Volcanoes

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Mike Civins

MIAMI — Restaurant chain Benihana will offer a full hibachi dining experience, including its trademark onion volcanoes, to customers parked curbside in the wake of the novel coronavirus.

“When the world is being ravaged by a global pandemic, sometimes the only thing that can brighten your day is a tiny volcano made from sliced onions angrily spewing smoke into the air,” declared Benihana CEO Tom Baldwin. “Benihana is committed to delivering an unforgettable culinary event as savory as the meal itself, as long as customers marvel at the display safely in their vehicles.”

“We ask for your patience while adjusting to this new convivial dining experience,” added Baldwin. “There may be the occasional dipping sauce mishap or lap burn from scalding Rocky’s Choice entrees, but these are small sacrifices we all need to make in order to keep moving forward.”

With chefs stationed six feet away from patrons per the CDC’s safe distance recommendation, many loyal customers were skeptical but pleasantly surprised.

“I didn’t think they could pull it off,” confessed loyal customer Frank Caratozzolo, who was interviewed from the window of his 2006 Honda Civic. “But when the chef started banging and twirling his stainless steel spatula while yelling jokes at my car, I knew this was the real deal. He even tried to get me to catch a piece of shrimp in my mouth, but it ended up stuck between my windshield wipers. I still would’ve eaten that sucker if a seagull didn’t snatch it before I got out of my car.”

Benihana’s success has caught the attention of other businesses impacted by the pandemic and its economic fallout.

“Running a business is always challenging, let alone a restaurant,” confessed Liz Velazquez, owner of local Mexican eatery El Sombrero Hambriento. “To stay competitive, we’re now offering curbside guacamole. And FYI, those mortar and pestles can ding a Tesla Model S like nobody’s business.”

Benihana has also partnered with Zoom to teleconference all nearby chefs to sing their signature birthday song to revelers and liars who just said it’s their birthday to get a free dessert.

Photo be Kennejima, Leonard J. DeFrancisci, and Kelly Cookson.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News