Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

We Interviewed WWE Tag Team Legends Demolition and It Turns out They Don’t Know Shit About the ’80s Leather Daddy Scene

Posted on April 2, 2020 by Bobby D. Lux

The 1980s were a great time for dudes in leather. Biker vests, chaps, and studded gloves, baby! As every true WWE fan knows, the ’80s were also a high point for dudes in spandex too. So we figured who better to ask about the ’80s Leather Daddy scene than former WWE Tag Team Champions, Demolition?

Turns out we were wrong about that.

The Hard Times: Thanks for sitting down with us, Ax and Smash. I just want to start off right away by saying that Hard Times doesn’t believe you guys were just some Road Warriors ripoff.

Demolition: Thank you. We appreciate that.

For sure. I mean the Road Warriors were inspired by the whole Mad Max, post apocalypse vibe. As opposed to you guys, who were very obviously a pair of leather daddies.

What’s a leather daddy?

What’s a leather daddy? Ha! Nice one.

…

You’re serious? I can tell by that stare you’re not joking. Leather daddies were, you know, guys who wore all leather, with little studs and stuff. They like to party, and, um, ugh, how about I just keep going with my questions?

Yeah, sure…

You guys won your first tag team championship at Wrestlemania IV by defeating Strike Force. Was that your way of saying, ‘Hey, you twinks better step aside because the Leather Daddies are here to dominate you?’

No. What’s a twink?

Moving on. Either of you into Judas Priest?

Well yeah, they’re a great band. Why do you ask?

Oh, uh, no reason. Final question. You guys were there when The Undertaker debuted. At the time, did you think he would go on to take the mantle as the Leather Daddy king of wrestling? He had the gloves, the trenchcoat, the leather hat. You know what, don’t worry about answering that. Let’s just end this. Thanks for your time, Ax and Smash. And guys, don’t Google Leather Daddy until I leave.

Promoter Staying Busy By Stealing Cut of Daughter’s Cereal

Posted on April 2, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local promoter Steve “Froggy” Fordham stole a substantial portion of his daughter’s cereal this morning to help him “stay sharp” for when he resumes booking shows, sources crying in their bedroom confirmed.

“Look, man, things are lean right now. If I want to keep the lights on in this house I need a little bit more for myself. There was no contract expressly stating I needed to split the last two bowls of Frosted Flakes evenly,” said Fordham. “I’m not running a fucking charity here. She hasn’t been able to go to school for the past two weeks and has basically trashed this place — that cereal should be considered my payment for cleaning up the bathroom every day. Sometimes I think the people in this house forget how much I’ve done for them.”

Fordham’s daughter, Courtney, claimed this is not an isolated incident.

“He’s been jerking me around more and more: last month he started giving me two drink tickets every morning, and I’d have to use them to drink one of the Cokes in the fridge,” said the younger Fordham. “But lately he’s been telling me those drink tickets are only valid for the generic colas, and that I have to pay full price if I want the name-brand stuff. And I used to sell necklaces on Etsy, but I shut that down when my dad started demanding 75% of everything I shipped. Living here is such a scam.”

Promoters around the country struggling to make ends meet because of the complete shutdown of the live entertainment industry applauded Fordham for his dedication to being a scumbag.

“The only time I ever truly felt alive was when I told bands they were three tickets short of getting their rev split. To see Froggy still finding creative ways to rip off the people around him is truly inspiring,” said Boston-based show promoter “Fast” Eddie O’Leary. “Because of him, I’ve been inspired around my own home: my elderly father was complaining that his medication had gone missing, so I put my gun on the kitchen counter and told him he should just forget about it. Seeing him scurry outta there was the highlight of my day.”

Fordham also plans on selling tickets to dinner with an $8.50 service charge each night this week.

Gamer Kicked Out of Louvre for Trying to Jump Into Mona Lisa World

Posted on April 2, 2020 by Joe Tilleli

PARIS — Panic broke out within the Louvre earlier this week when a tourist attempted to launch himself over the crowd and through Leonardo da Vinci’s famous portrait of Mona Lisa, having believed it to be a portal to another plane of existence, sources have confirmed.

“The Louvre makes for a pretty interesting hub world, but the main event is behind all those paintings,” said Michael Tansey, 24, while holding an ice pack to his forehead. “I was really excited to see what kind of boss battle and platforming challenges awaited me inside Mona Lisa World. I wanted to experience the Italian Renaissance first hand and maybe collect 8 red coins while I was there. I knew I had to be quick, otherwise I’d risk getting caught. Lucky for me, the Mona Lisa is on the first floor — those museum staircases can feel impossibly long to climb.”

Officials at the museum confirm Michael Tansey pushed through to the front of the crowd and threw himself at the two-inch bulletproof glass encasing Leonardo da Vinci’s enigmatic painted lady. Tansey was promptly escorted out of the museum by security and handed over to the Paris police following the incident.

“The only reason my plan didn’t work was because I must have not jumped high enough. Or maybe I need to jump through at a specific time,” explained Tansey, whose doctors confirmed he was still suffering from a mild concussion. “I am disappointed that I’ve been banned for life from the museum, but honestly I’m even more disappointed that I lost my hat. One of the security guards just picked it off of me while I was unconscious. He was even wearing it when they handed me over to the cops. Like who does that?”

After paying a hefty fine, Michael Tansey entered recovery at home, as doctors recommended plenty of bed rest. His brother Louis was rumored to still be somewhere in the museum, though as of press time, authorities had not yet been able to locate him.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Blathers Gladly Accepts Giant Rabbit Skeleton ‘Fossil’ for Museum

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Jon Ruggiero

YOUBERG ISLAND — Local museum curator Blathers recently acquired a new set of bones for the island, the skeleton of a large rabbit, and reportedly asked no questions about where it came from.

“Normally I have an explanation for all of the fossils that we receive here,” explained the bow-tied owl, “but I know absolutely nothing about this. By the way, I love your new blood facepaint design!”

Bathers promises to do as much research as he can about his new exhibit and told residents to keep an eye out for more great finds, especially if they’re from fossils a “bird exactly the same dimensions as that annoying little shit, Gulliver.”

Green Koopa Sneakily Paints Shell Red So He Doesn’t Have to March to His Death

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Peter Casciato

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — In an attempt to save himself from certain death by walking directly off a platform, a local green Koopa named George was allegedly caught painting his shell red.

“Green Koopas are doomed to certain oblivion, forced to march to our own deaths into Bowser’s bottomless pits,” George said. “But for whatever reason, red Koopas get to turn around and walk the other way. It’s total horseshit.”

When asked why he took the job working for Bowser in the first place, knowing that it spelled certain doom, George said that he had “bills to pay.”

“Look, there’s not a lot of work out there for a Koopa,” George explained. “You’re pretty much either henching for Bowser or flipping burgers at Mickey-Ds. And I’m sick of making Filet-O-Cheep-Cheeps.”

“Plus, working for Bowser means I get health insurance, which my family could really use, especially since I’m supposed to immediately walk off a cliff moments into my first day on the job,” George added. “And now that my shell is red, I qualify for dental insurance, too.”

Stories like Geroge’s are becoming increasingly common, as more focus is directed towards Bowser’s labor practices. There have been many complaints about the working conditions in Bowser’s levels, including lava pools without proper railings, haunted work sites, and unmatched 401k contributions.

There have also been accusations of nepotism leveled at Bowser, who has repeatedly promoted his own children to management positions over more qualified applicants. The CEO responded with a written statement.

“We here at Bowser Corp are working diligently to provide our Koopas with the safest environment possible,” the statement read in part. “However, because of current regulations, it is well within our rights to march our employees to certain death. If market forces change, we may re-examine this policy. Until that point, we will continue to provide unmatched service in the princess kidnapping industry, no matter how many Koopas die in the process.”

“But hey, it could be worse,” said George before re-attaching his shell and trying to look inconspicuous. “At least I’m not a Goomba.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

“LEGO Masters” Production Shut Down After Some Jerk Sticks All the Flat Pieces Together

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Jerrod Kingery

BURBANK, Calif. — Production on the FOX reality show “LEGO Masters” was halted indefinitely today after some asshole stuck all the flat LEGO pieces together, making them nearly impossible to pry apart.

“We were about to film the elimination table segment where the contestants had to recreate a popular work of Renaissance art, when someone noticed that all 2,500 flat pieces we had in storage had been stuck together. It’s a real dick move,” said executive producer Anthony Dominici while fiddling with some LEGO bricks. “Several female staffers with longer nails tried to pry them apart, but Amy Corbett got a pretty nasty hangnail from a couple of blue 3020s — the two-by-four flat kind. A stagehand tried using his pocket knife, but he sliced his palm… and now the goddamn union is involved and it’s a whole thing.”

Dominici then went back to work trying to separate two yellow four-by-four panels, muttering “fucking pieces of shit” under his breath.

Host Will Arnett is frustrated by the show’s indefinite shutdown.

“Criminals like the person who maliciously stacked these LEGOs are a cowardly and superstitious lot. Rest assured, they will pay,” Arnett told a scrum of reporters using his “Batman” voice for some reason. “The worst part is, I hardly know what to do with myself during the work stoppage — I’ve only got five or six other TV shows I’m working on at the moment.”

Meanwhile, LEGO executives in Denmark are working overtime to ship specially-manufactured versions of their consumer-grade Brick Separator 630 to Hollywood.

“These separators are crafted from titanium and coated with Teflon to ensure the process goes as quickly as possible, so the show can continue,” said LEGO spokesperson Joost Fjeldgaard. “While we have not yet been able to identify the culprit, we believe an undercover spy from either the PlayMobil or Mega Bloks corporations has infiltrated the ‘LEGO Masters’ crew in order to sabotage the show.”

At press time, production of “Lego Masters” was delayed further after a courier rushing the separators from LEGO headquarters slipped after stepping on an errant LEGO brick in the lobby.

Aging Imagine Dragons Fan Celebrates 11th Birthday

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Noah Leavy

SALT LAKE CITY — Longtime Imagine Dragons fan Katie Graham celebrated her 11th birthday this week with a dull celebration modeled after her favorite band’s music, local partygoers confirmed.

“Can’t fuckin’ believe it. The big 1-1”, said Graham, while taking a drag on a freshly lit Marlboro Red. “I’ve been seein’ the boys since ‘17 — I was young, the guys were on the road fuckin’ hard with ‘Believer.’ Shit was real back then, and we loved every minute of it… though I don’t know how much longer my body can take it. I’m almost in middle school now and I can feel myself slowing down: I can’t listen to ‘Thunder’ 25 times in a row anymore during my dance parties without feeling like I crashed from a sugar high. But that’s growing up, I guess.”

Birthday party attendee Frankie Khan is proud of Graham and her milestone, but is concerned by the changing identity of Imagine Dragons fans.

“Look, I saw Katie at shows back in the day… and let me tell you something, that shit was different from today,” claimed a somewhat jittery Khan, scratching at a poorly healed tattoo. “This younger generation still shows up, and they’re alright, but it’s changed. Things are a lot softer now — I think the energy is moving towards darker bands like Twenty-One Pilots and X Ambassadors these days.”

University of Arizona music history professor Lucinda Grenfell confirmed the evolution of a band’s typical audience is not uncommon.

“Many artists who benefit from strong representation in the 8-to-10-year-old demographic group risk losing their most passionate fans to puberty and pre-pubescence, or trading those fans for a crop of neophytes,” said Grenfell. “Veteran fans may not see eye-to-eye with the new fans in a legitimate way, so the 11- and 12-year-old elders transfer their loyalty to more mature, and often heavier, bands.”

“When I turned 11, puberty took me from Backstreet Boys to Linkin Park,” Grenfell added after a wistful pause. “But you can never fuckin’ compete with the goddamn early days.”

For her part, Graham shows no signs of losing passion for her favorite band despite her advanced age.

“I want to start putting together shows in kindergartens,” said Graham. “You can’t keep a scene alive with a bunch of old fuckers from back in ‘17 like me.”

Children’s Cartoon Not Reaching Intended Audience of Queer Twenty-Somethings

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Connor Relyea

LOS ANGELES — Creators of the new hit cartoon Starlight Mountain recently expressed disappointment that, despite high ratings among toddlers, their show wasn’t reaching their intended audience of queer twenty-somethings.

“When we set out to make a children’s cartoon show, we never meant for kids to actually watch it,” said Carton Network executive Marshall Grimes. “We figured we could make a quick buck by selling performative woke prints to guys in their late 20s. Babies don’t buy woke prints!”

“It turns out there’s people out there who actually believe this shit,” Grimes continued. “But as soon as my assistant downloads the current moral rulebook from Twitter, we’ll be back in business and printing goddamn money.”

Adam Quinn, a 25-year-old fan of many queer-friendly cartoons, said earlier this week that Starlight Mountain wasn’t capturing his interest because it just wasn’t gay enough.

“Steven Universe had a gay wedding,” Quinn said, dressed in a Steven Universe shirt, Gravity Falls hat and Adventure Time fannie pack. “Starlight Mountain might have all the queer coding that these other shows also have, but where is the kissing? We want the kissing!”

At press time, Grimes said that the team was “going to make it gayer,” just as soon as the network saw the show could become profitable with the valuable demographic.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Not a Big Deal at All: My Piece of Shit Ex Is Getting Married to Some Asshole

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Shea Strauss

First things first: I’m totally, completely over my ex, Blythe. So naturally I don’t care about who she marries or that her soon-to-be wife’s name is something really fucking stupid. It’s completely irrelevant that the new bitch looks like a prettier version of me, which I can only guess means my ex is more shallow now. Doesn’t matter anyway, I’m clearly over her.

It’s “Karly” with a “K,” by the way. Fucking idiot.

I’m so over that whole relationship but it’s still good to check in. That way you can learn new things about your ex like how apparently now she values a flat stomach over a sense of humor. I know this because when I accidentally clicked on her new fiance’s page (mindlessly scrolling, not that it matters) and the memes she posts on Facebook aren’t even THAT funny.

Ya know, now that I even pay attention, but if those assholes really loved each other so much, they wouldn’t flaunt it all over social media.

It’s not even notable that Karly with a K is posting photos on her Instagram of Rudy, who Blythe and I adopted when we were together. Sure, I served as a mother figure to that puppy in the most formative time of his life, but he’s just a stupid dog. It’s not like knowing some hotter version of me gets to cuddle in a king sized bed with a beagle and the former love of my life keeps me up at night crying or anything.

Frankly, it’s disgusting when people sleep with a dog.

It’s certainly no biggie that their wedding site says that they met only three months after Blythe and I broke up. Sounds like Blythe was a desperate loser, desperate to meet someone only three months after our four year relationship. Really emotionally healthy, douchebag.

I wouldn’t have even seen it except that their wedding site’s domain was incredibly basic and predictable. Also, those jackasses are registered at Anthropologie. Like, really dickheads, you think you’re worth that much?

Anyway, I’m so over that piece of shit and I’m glad I dumped her for her much hotter cousin.

Post Malone’s Mom Gets “Live Laugh Love” Face Tattoo

Posted on April 1, 2020 by Kaitlyn Jeffers

DALLAS — Post Malone’s mother Jodie Post unveiled her brand new “Live, Laugh, Love” face tattoo yesterday at her weekly bridge game to a surprisingly warm, receptive crowd, delighted sources confirmed.

“This is a message I really relate to: it’s written on pillows and picture frames all over my house. It just made sense to finally get it tattooed onto my face,” said Post from her modestly decorated home. “I went through a few ideas — one was ‘69,’ for the year I was born, but I don’t want people thinking I’m Takeshi’s mom! That rat piece of garbage can stick it right where the sun don’t shine, for all I care.”

Body art has reportedly been a Post family tradition for generations. Frances Post, Jodie’s mother-in-law and Malone’s grandmother, is one of the most heavily inked in the family.

“We’ve been purveyors of regrettable tattoos since 1864. It started when Byron Herschel Post went AWOL from the Civil War, landed in Miami just in time for Spring Break, and got a .58 caliber musket tattooed down his cheek, with ‘Born Free’ tattooed across his knuckles. That tattoo united our family when the country could not,” said the Post matriarch. “Us Posts are expected to tattoo our faces starting around age 15. In fact, I have a couple grandchildren whom I no longer talk to who rebelled against this tradition. Enjoy working at a bank, you sellouts.”

Tattoo artist Jeff Ledgin of Legend Tattoo in Dallas claimed the Post family are his best clients, and his family has been intertwined with theirs for almost a century.

“My great-grandpa Earle started tattooing the Post family back when he was just six years old. After that, it was off to the races — the Posts would come in, one by one, with a bad stencil and ask us to permanently alter their faces,” said Ledgin while cleaning needles in a shot glass of whiskey. “I hope my children will tattoo the Posts for years to come.”

Jodie Post admitted privately that she hopes her “Live Laugh Love” face tattoo encourages her son to ink less self-deprecating messages on his own face moving forward.

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