Experts Suggest Taking Break from Stress-Crying in Bathroom to Go for Drive and Stress-Cry in Car

Posted on April 3, 2020 by Krissy Howard

NEW ORLEANS — Self-care experts around the world suggest that everyone try to take a break from the frequent stress-crying done quietly in their bathrooms, and take a drive out to the country and instead stress-cry in their cars.

“In the face of a crisis, I know it’s important I allow myself time to ‘let it all out,’ but rather than only spending a good 15 minutes crying in the bathroom while worrying if I’m going to get out of this without being financially fucked for life, I find it helpful to break things up,” said recently laid-off server Alida Juarez. “Sometimes it’s helpful to pop in an old Kimya Dawson album to have a cry while driving by new scenery — like any number of venues in my town that likely won’t ever be able to afford to reopen.”

People who implemented the tactic report vast improvements in their mental and emotional health.

“Self-care is key right now, and part of that includes maintaining a schedule so it doesn’t feel like things are so out of my control,” explained registered nurse Steve Minton. “Sometimes, just zoning out for like, three minutes straight and staring at nothing while I vape in my bathroom starts to feel like a bit of a chore, so when I have the energy, I like to just sit in my car and do that there instead. Most of the time I don’t even drive anywhere. It’s all the same. Plus, I still get WiFi in my driveway.”

Residents who may not have access to cars of their own are encouraged to practice crying in new spaces as well.

“For non-driving persons, there are a number of places to stress-cry and take a break from their usual, weekly crying spot,” said professor of psychology Dr. Lana-Marie Trench. “Bikes are a great way to cry out in the fresh air, and rather than only punching your pillow to let off some steam, you could try aggressively slamming the lid on your garbage can one or 15 times instead.”

“New York City residents are encouraged to continue crying while walking down the sidewalk like usual — rest assured that no one has started giving a shit if you’re OK,” she added. “And rust belt dwellers can just keep smashing old 40-oz. bottles on the sides of abandoned buildings as you’ve been doing.”

Inspiring: This Nerd Took to His Balcony to Keep Shouting About ‘The Last Jedi’

Posted on April 3, 2020 by Russell Brooks

SEATTLE — As a nation shelters inside its homes amidst the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, one opinionated citizen inspired many by taking to his balcony to keep shouting about 2017’s Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

“It completely destroys everything that J.J. had obviously set up in Force Awakens!” screamed Derek Landry, 32, over the unusually empty streets of his neighborhood. “There was clearly a mystery established around Rey’s true identity, and Rian Johnson just comes along and says she’s nobody? Has he even watched a Star Wars movie before?!”

As businesses close down and fears of an economic crisis grow, many acts that were once seen as mundane or insufferable have become recontextualized as triumphs of the human spirit.

“There are some messages that we can never stop getting out there, even in a crisis. Maybe especially in a crisis,” said Doris Barker, a neighbor that lives several floors below Landry. “We can’t just let our bonds of community break down. Not like the whole second act breaks down for that pointless Canto Bight storyline. Derek made some really good points up there, and if he isn’t going to be stopped from doing what he loves, why should I?!”

Landry has also posted a two hour, forty five minute video recording of his impassioned message to his personal YouTube channel with the title “They can’t quarantine THE TRUTH: The Last Jedi is a TRAVESTY!!!” He has shared the video on Twitter and Instagram, tagging Mark Hammill, Rian Johnson, and seemingly every official Star Wars social media account.

“There are some things that we just can’t let go of, you know?” Landry asked of his impromptu speech. “Our connections, our sense of belonging, that awful scene where Leia flies through space like she’s fucking Mary Poppins. No, the only germs I’m going to let ruin my Star Wars fandom are midichlorians!”

At press time, Landry was seen throwing objects and yelling at the window of one of his neighbors who had poked her head out to insist The Last Jedi was superior to The Rise of Skywalker.

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Opinion: I Can Never Go Back to Wearing Pants After This

Posted on April 3, 2020 by Jonah Nink

It’s hard to envision how society will look in a post coronavirus world. Maybe everything will be fine, or maybe this disease will wipe us all out. All I know is that whatever happens, I won’t be wearing pants through any of it. I’m sorry, but I’ve been freeballing’ it for about a month straight now and I refuse to let my legs and crotch feel anything other than the gentle embrace of a cool spring breeze.

I can’t believe that it’s taken me this long to realize that pants were ruining my life. They’re just so limiting. I feel like my pelvis is trapped inside this oppressive cage of denim and ball sweat. They say that the great beasts of the wild are more likely to die in captivity than their smaller brethren because it breaks their spirit. If we truly love our nether regions, we should allow them to roam free.

It only took about a week of being quarantined for me to make the transition into a life without pants. The best part is that it hasn’t affected my normal life so far. My roommates don’t seem to mind, or they too terrified by how liberated I am to say anything. I can even get away with it during my work Zoom meetings as long as I don’t forget to turn off the camera before standing up again. There’s no way around; not wearing pants makes me feel like God.

And you know what? I’m glad that I’m no longer just another pants-wearing shill. Why should I have to sacrifice the comfort and freedom of my land down under just to appease the delicate sensibilities of “public decency laws” and “children.” The government shouldn’t have to force me to wear pants if I don’t want to. This is America, goddamnit!

So as we enter this brave new world, let me ask you, no, beg you, to join me in this beautiful, bare-assed revolution. Arm in arm, hand in hand, exposed asscheek in exposed asscheek, we will not go gently into that good night.

And don’t even get me started on sweatpants. They’re just another ploy by the Big Pants fatcats to fool us into thinking we’re free. Plus I get nasty swamp ass.

Crust Punk’s DIY Face Mask Gives Him 32 Other Diseases

Posted on April 3, 2020 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

BOULDER, Colo. — Local crust punk Aaron Beckman compromised his health this week when his self-made coronavirus facemask inadvertently exposed him to 32 other rare and deadly diseases, local medical staff report.

“The patient was admitted on Tuesday showing several symptoms of coronavirus, but when we ran our tests, we realized he was also carrying something called ‘Badger Flu,’ along with the first ever documented case of triple syphilis,” said Dr. Heather Stansfield during a press briefing. “He would be an incredible case study if he weren’t also the greatest biological threat of the last 500 years.”

Beckman reportedly made the facemask out of a torn, sweaty T-shirt sleeve tied together with the discarded red bands from a pack of Oscar Mayer bologna, an apparatus that doctors deemed “ineffective” and “completely disgusting.”

“I heard there weren’t many masks left, and I’m banned from every Walgreens in the city anyways, so I figured I’d just use whatever I had and make it work,” Beckman said in a phone call from his heavily quarantined hospital bed. “I grabbed my supplies from the cleanest dumpster I could find — I honestly didn’t think I’d end up with a rabies and gonorrhea hybrid. But hey, at least they’re gonna name it after me, so that’s pretty sweet.”

While Beckman’s heart appeared to be in the right place, doctors strongly cautioned against making DIY masks with assorted garbage and food waste.

“We understand that the mask shortage has a lot of people wanting to help out by using what they already have, but in this particular case, it honestly just made things so much worse.” Dr. Stansfield said. “If you’re considering making your own mask, please at least make sure you wash your Leftöver Crack shirt before cutting off the sleeves… and maybe try a shoelace for the tie-around part, instead of something with rotten meat flakes on it.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” she added, “I’ve got to go cure fucking Ebola again because of this kid.”

Stay safe, stay healthy, let us help.

Click here to go to our merch store where we can convert any t-shirt order into a DIY cloth face mask with elastic ear loops. These are not the n95 face masks our hospitals need, so you won’t be taking from any frontline workers. But because there are so many asymptomatic people spreading the virus, if everyone wore a simple cloth mask like this, there would be less community spread of the virus via the droplets caused by talking, coughing, and sneezing.

These masks are not adequate protection against COVID-19. But they can help your community. Social distancing, good hygiene (like washing hands and sanitizing surfaces), and staying home are the best protection.

Making your own mask out of an old t-shirt is easy. You can see a guide here.

This product is us cutting one of our new t-shirts and converting it into a cloth mask for you, so that you have one that looks cool. If you’d like to build your own here is a design from a recent study published in the medical journal Disaster Medicine and Public Health Preparedness.

2020 Delayed Until Early 2021

Posted on April 3, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Several CEOs of prominent video game companies held a joint press conference today, announcing that the entire calendar year of 2020 is being tentatively pushed back until the beginning of 2021.

“Sadly, The Last of Us 2 will just be the first in many high profile things being delayed, so we just got together and decided to get it all out of the way,” said Neil Druckmann, Vice President of Naughty Dog. “It’s all pushed back. Cyberpunk, Ghost of Tsushima, that skateboarding game with the bird, all of it. At this point the best we can hope for is just having another go at 2020 next year.”

The announcement made waves on social media, where the resounding reaction was one of disappointment but ultimately understanding.

“I mean yeah, I was really looking forward to playing this year’s Madden when it came out, after I hadn’t watched a sport in six months,” said Rod Collington, a recently furloughed auto mechanic. “But now it sounds like we all have to wait ‘til next year for this year. That’s fine, I guess I can always just sit and listen to my kid talk about what he saw out the fucking window that day!”

Most game companies defended their practices of keeping employees working throughout the pandemic despite no release dates on the horizon.

“Look, I’m not inhuman,” said Randy Pitchford, CEO of Gearbox Software. “As an exec, you’re the one in charge of making the tough decisions and letting your employees know what is going on from the comfort of your vacation home. Tough decisions like keeping them on crunch despite the lack of immediate deadlines and the delay of any and all compensation until we can sort this whole mess out.”

“Thankfully, everything else in my life has been going swimmingly,” he added.

As of press time, the developers announced that, in an effort to ease the pain of 2020’s delayed release, they would be fast-tracking the release of Fall Seasonal Depression all the way to May 2020.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Experts Baffled It’s 4:05 PM Already

Posted on April 2, 2020 by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — A panel of experts practicing social distancing across the country are reeling today, following the discovery that it is somehow already 4:05 p.m. despite collectively swearing that it’s “barely even noon” right now.

“I haven’t even had breakfast yet,” said University of Chicago senior physicist Joe Padilla while wiping hot pocket crumbs off his sweat pants. “Maybe it’s because I binged the entire season of ‘Tiger King’ all at once, but a more likely explanation is that the Earth was hit by some kind of interdimensional time anomaly.”

Some experts suggest a direct link between the boredom felt by many amidst the ongoing self-isolation and the social distancing efforts undertaken to slow the spread of COVID-19.

“The Coronavirus is bad enough. Now we have to worry about an interdimensional time anomaly?” said Lindsay Smith, a data entry analyst working from home who could’ve sworn it was only 1:00 p.m. “like, 20 minutes ago.” “The anomaly must have struck around when I started watching that five-hour documentary about Australian mammals. I’m no alarmist, but between the virus and this time thing, it’s probably safe to assume we’re in the end times.”

Experts advise the public to avoid items or activities that may cause another time jump, such as sleeping in until 11:00 a.m., family-sized bags of Doritos, not wearing pants, and “The Lord of the Rings” film trilogy.

“We understand many are already frustrated with the current restrictions brought on by the COVID-19 response efforts, but it’s imperative we prevent another time anomaly attack,” said astrophysicist Neil deGrasse while aimlessly browsing Netflix. “We also want to stress the importance of putting on pants. I know — I don’t like to hear that, either.”

Despite the scientific community’s quick response, rumors have already begun to circulate that it might actually be Thursday.

Switch Owners Enter Mexican Stand-Off Over Which Will Type in Other’s Friend Code First

Posted on April 2, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

TOLEDO, Ohio — A pair of Nintendo Switch owners have entered day seven of a stand-off over who will be the first to send the other a friend request, as each waits for the other to cave in and type in their friend code first.

The impasse began when Jeremy Crooks bought a Nintendo Switch Lite to play Animal Crossing with his friends. Crooks immediately texted his best friend Alexa Wagner his Switch friend code, expecting that she would send him a friend request. Instead, Wagner simply responded to the text by sending her own friend code, leaving the two at a stalemate.

“I’m really excited that Jeremy finally got a Switch and we can hang out in Animal Crossing even though we live on opposite ends of the country,” Wagner explained. “But it’s just a lot to ask me to open my profile and type in a whole 12-digit code. He really should put the effort in if he values our friendship that much.”

By day three, the situation became more passive aggressive, as Crooks began tweeting photos of cool items in his Animal Crossing shops. When Wagner replied that she wanted some of the furniture on sale, Crooks tweeted, “Sure! I’ll open my town gates. Are we friends on Switch yet?” Wagner did not respond.

Frustrated that he hadn’t gained a single Switch friend in his first week, Crooks later posted his friend code on Facebook and asked all his friends to add him. Within minutes, he received 50 replies, all from people responding with their own friend codes instead of adding him.

“I don’t get why it’s so hard for people to just type in a short string of numbers,” Crooks complained. “I mean, I would totally do it myself if Nintendo would just use usernames like everyone else. But I just have a lot going on right now, you know?”

After seven days, the two finally came to a resolution, agreeing that the first person to go online next would add the other. However, both reportedly disconnected their Switch from WiFi as the conversation was happening.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

If the President Is 15 Minutes Late, We Are Legally Allowed to Start Looting

Posted on April 2, 2020 by Jonah Nink

As we wait patiently for president dementia tits to take a break from eating taco bowls while wiping his ass with girl scouts and weigh in on this uncertain situation, please allow me to take this opportunity to explain an old constitutional loophole. I’ll explain the specifics in a minute, but to summarize; the constitution says that if the president is 15 minutes late to respond to a crisis, then we are legally allowed to start looting.

The rule, which totally exists and you should not fact check it, is written in tiny letters under the big, fancy-ass “W” at the start of the preamble. Officially, it reads; “In the event that the president of this new union, elected by the people for the people, should ever be one-quarter hour tardy to respond to a crisis, then it is the duty of the people to immediately descend into a rage of violent, anarchic hooliganry.”

America was still new and untested at the time, and the founders wanted to give everyone free rein to go apeshit in case the president went rogue or died from a curable disease. The rule was first used in 1889 when then-president Grover Cleveland failed to respond to a nationwide grain shortage in time, and the resulting carnage was so great that it rerouted the Mississippi river and obliterated the third Dakota.

If our president fails to act and this rule goes into effect, then I expect to see everyone doing their part. It is your constitutional obligation as an American to loot and fuck shit up as much as possible if the time arises.

Choosing not to go ballistic is unamerican and disrespectful to our founders. If I don’t see you running out of a burning Piggly Wiggly with a plasma screen tv and family-sized bag of Funyuns, then you sir are dead to me.

Hopefully, it won’t come to that, and the president will get a plan together soon. He better hurry though because the clock’s ticking…

Dad Recommends Emotional Distancing for Next 30 Years or So

Posted on April 2, 2020 by Dan Rice

MADISON, Conn. — Local dad Elliot Chapman announced today that, in addition to keeping six feet of physical distance to flatten the curve of the spread of coronavirus, he will also “just sort of check out and go through the motions” to maintain emotional distance for at least the next 30 years just in case, family sources confirmed.

“I mean, I’ll stick around,” elaborated the six Coors Light-deep Chapman, as he gestured to fellow patrons of The Chowder Pot Bar and Grill. “But I’m just like, not there, you know? To be frank, I never even wanted the little goddamned brats in the goddamn first place, and with all this ‘social distancing’ stuff going on, why not just go all in? Yeah, I’ll fix the garage door opener when it gets jammed up, but otherwise, I’m gonna be pretending I live in Texas and it’s still 1986. You can play golf all year round there.”

Chapman’s order, which includes bans on heart-to-heart conversations, shared extracurricular activities, and hugs lasting more than two-and-a-half seconds, has upended the household.

“I’m 15, and I could really use some guidance at this point in my life,” said Tuck Chapman, the oldest of the Chapman children. “I like this girl at school… and I think she likes me, but I don’t really know how to navigate that. I asked Dad for advice and he just said, ‘I don’t know what to tell you.’ Then he took a swig of beer and asked me how I like the Yankees this year. But I don’t think baseball is even happening.”

Chapman’s wife Grace is not happy about her husband’s self-imposed interpersonal quarantine.

“It’s like he has a thousand-mile stare.” recounted Mrs. Chapman. “Like, he looks through you, not at you. The other day I told him my sister’s baby Tommy took his first steps, and he just said, ‘Great, hang it on the fridge,’ before getting up and stumbling outside and staring at an empty grill for 25 minutes. The bills are getting paid, there’s food on the table and we share a bed, but I’ve never felt lonelier in my life.”

When told of his wife’s criticism, Chapman replied, “I could’ve been a pro bowler, you know. So it’s obvious we’ve all made sacrifices.”

We Checked in on Red Dead Online and It Still Seems Like a Whole Thing

Posted on April 2, 2020 by Andy Holt

In the year since the release of Red Dead Online, Rockstar has given the game a slew of updates and DLC. There are new story missions, game modes, character roles, and probably some new stuff with the camp, we think? Like a new tent or something? Isn’t there a new mission with that hobo guy who sits next to the wagon and doesn’t do anything? These are the kinds of questions we were looking to answer when we decided to check on Red Dead Online. And man, it sure seems like a lot.

Don’t get us wrong. Red Dead Online has evolved in all kinds of fascinating ways, building on the brutal realism of RDR2 with some of the carefree mayhem from GTA Online. That much is clear from the two articles we skimmed after typing “what new red dead online” into Google this morning. And if we had enough time to really dig into the content—spend a few hours reading up on how the new features work, figure out how to locate our camp on the map, go hunting until we make enough money to get some more ammo for our varmint rifle, think about buying gold bars for a faster horse but decide against it because microtransactions are evil, then try to remember what part of the main quest we were on when we abandoned this game in September of last year — we bet we’d really like it.

There are what appear to be exciting new adventures. Rockstar added challenging new game modes or whatever. We bet there are even some quality-of-life improvements to be going on with. The environment is probably packed with more fun little Easter Eggs to come across on your journey, in all likelihood. The most recent addition to the game is an update to the Frontier Pursuit DLC, which lets you experience what it’s like to be an Old West moonshiner. It turns out that being a moonshiner is extremely complicated and probably not even worth it really, just kinda a whole “deal” as far as we can tell. There are also some PvP character modes that have a lot of rules. And they added Fortnite.

Verdict: With an array of new PvP features added to the unrivaled ambience of RDR2, Rockstar’s Red Dead Online is looking like even more of an ordeal than ever.

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