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Dad Recommends Emotional Distancing for Next 30 Years or So

MADISON, Conn. — Local dad Elliot Chapman announced today that, in addition to keeping six feet of physical distance to flatten the curve of the spread of coronavirus, he will also “just sort of check out and go through the motions” to maintain emotional distance for at least the next 30 years just in case, family sources confirmed.

“I mean, I’ll stick around,” elaborated the six Coors Light-deep Chapman, as he gestured to fellow patrons of The Chowder Pot Bar and Grill. “But I’m just like, not there, you know? To be frank, I never even wanted the little goddamned brats in the goddamn first place, and with all this ‘social distancing’ stuff going on, why not just go all in? Yeah, I’ll fix the garage door opener when it gets jammed up, but otherwise, I’m gonna be pretending I live in Texas and it’s still 1986. You can play golf all year round there.”

Chapman’s order, which includes bans on heart-to-heart conversations, shared extracurricular activities, and hugs lasting more than two-and-a-half seconds, has upended the household.

“I’m 15, and I could really use some guidance at this point in my life,” said Tuck Chapman, the oldest of the Chapman children. “I like this girl at school… and I think she likes me, but I don’t really know how to navigate that. I asked Dad for advice and he just said, ‘I don’t know what to tell you.’ Then he took a swig of beer and asked me how I like the Yankees this year. But I don’t think baseball is even happening.”

Chapman’s wife Grace is not happy about her husband’s self-imposed interpersonal quarantine.

“It’s like he has a thousand-mile stare.” recounted Mrs. Chapman. “Like, he looks through you, not at you. The other day I told him my sister’s baby Tommy took his first steps, and he just said, ‘Great, hang it on the fridge,’ before getting up and stumbling outside and staring at an empty grill for 25 minutes. The bills are getting paid, there’s food on the table and we share a bed, but I’ve never felt lonelier in my life.”

When told of his wife’s criticism, Chapman replied, “I could’ve been a pro bowler, you know. So it’s obvious we’ve all made sacrifices.”