Police Desperate to Solve Murder Case Decide to ‘Ask Madden’

Posted on by Zack Zwiezen

DENVER — After exhausting all other leads and possible suspects, stumped Colorado law enforcement officials turned to the famous football coach, video game icon and color commentator John Madden to solve a recent homicide, officials confirmed Sunday morning.

“We really had hit a brick wall in the case,” said Denver Police Department captain Ronald Hillson. “Then a couple of days ago, one of the younger cops who plays a lot of PlayStation games suggested we ‘Ask Madden.’ So we did.” Hillson contacted John Madden’s publicist and to his surprise got a response back instantly and learned that Mr. Madden was headed to Denver to help police solve the case. 

After arriving, sources say Madden was taken to the crime scene by police where he began using his years of football commentary experience. Using an iPad, Madden took photos of the house and then began telestrating a theory of what he believed happened. 

“As you see over here, the killer walked by this couch and then, boom! He hid the knife under it,” explained legendary NFL coach and commentator John Madden while circling the couch with a red pen and talking to a detective who was with him. “What a move. Pro move. This guy knows what he’s doing. This isn’t his first rodeo.”

After finding the well-hidden knife, police had their first big break in the case. The knife was covered in fingerprints and led police to David Banner, a 34-year-old Walmart Manager who was a friend of the victim. 

“It really helped when [Madden] drew out the plan on a chalkboard,” explained Police captain Hillson. “He suggested we try a Statue of Liberty play that turns into a Flea Flicker, all in the shotgun formation. We weren’t sure how it would go, but we were able to apprehend the suspect and take him into custody. Good thing we asked Madden!”

At press time, the Denver Police Department regretfully announced that they had since lost ground in solving the case after an officer fumbled the murder weapon, which was then recovered by the suspect who was able ot pick it up and flee the scene.

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AR-15 Starts Onlyfans, Bankrupts Midwest

Posted on by Nariko Ott

DES MOINES, Iowa — An AR-15 semi-automatic rifle started an OnlyFans page for itself last week, the overwhelming popularity of which led to a rash of Midwestern states declaring massive budget shortfalls for the year.

“I mean, we’ve had businesses like Wal-Mart or Amazon come in and extract money out of the community before, but nothing like this,” said Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson. “It’s just, like… overnight, everyone went broke. Unfortunately, unless people can curb their online spending, the only thing left for us to do is end a lot of social programs people rely on to try and make up the difference. It’s sad. I think this is the first time a gun has ever negatively affected people.”

Firearms fans, however, were quick to stand their ground online.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass about other people! It’s my right as a man and as a patriot to enjoy looking at guns. #AllLivesMatter #MAGA,” tweeted @John254836472 in a thread. “I’m a God-fearing heterosexual man, and I’m paying to look at pictures & short videos of a semi-auto doing things my .45 would never dream of, and that’s my right! I mean, she’s wearing a bump stock for goodness sake. Good Lord! #WWG1WGA.”

Despite the polarity created by the page, the rifle meant no harm, according to its public relations representative.

“This AR just wanted to bring attention to OnlyFans, and to normalize 2A rights & brandishing weapons in general,” AR-15 spokesperson Danny Leon said. “She just wanted to fire off some pictures wearing sexy accessories to the internet — an extended clip, a red dot scope, a collapsible stock, etc. It’s not the rifle’s fault. Really, it’s people who are hurting people here.”

“Can’t blame folks too much, though,” he added. “I mean, that AR is sexy as hell. I’d let that gun bust a few in me, if you know what I’m saying. Pew! Pew! This is off the record, right?”

OnlyFans is reportedly considering changing their user policy to implement a 10-day waiting period before starting a new account.

Iron Maiden Launches Vintage Wine That Gets Better With Age, Then Slightly Worse, Then Terrible, Then Better and Better Again

Posted on by Henrik Persson

LONDON — Heavy metal legends Iron Maiden have launched a limited edition vintage wine, “The Number of the Yeast,” which boasts widely different flavor profiles, depending on its age.

“This is a bloody great wine. We really tried to capture the essence of Iron Maiden’s music — we wanted every sip to make you run for the hills with excitement. And depending on the vintage, it could be some of the worst tasting swill on the planet, or so delicious you won’t be able to stop drinking it,” said bassist and songwriter Steve Harris. “It’s not some run-of-the-mill juice we’ve given a cheeky name and stuck Eddie and our logo on… although that is the reason people will buy it. We even got Eddie wearing a beret, chugging from a wine barrel and impaling a farmer with a baguette on the label.”

Maiden’s collaborator, French winemaker Remy Beautreillis, is ecstatic about his latest creation.

“I would describe it as a full-bodied chardonnay with lots of character. It tastes great straight away, but as it matures, it gets deeper and richer… until about the eight or ninth year, when it dips noticeably. After that, it really takes a nosedive in the flavor department,” said Beautreillis. “About years 15 to 18, I’d rather drink my own piss, to be honest. Then, surprisingly, it starts getting better and better again. It’s a great investment.”

Long-time Maiden fan Tim Powell was one of many to preorder the new wine, although he first thought it was a new recording.

“I buy anything they put out. I have Iron Maiden ash trays even though I don’t smoke, Iron Maiden cutlery even though I can’t cook, and Iron Maiden curtains even though my parents’ bedroom doesn’t have windows. The only shitty part is shipping took long as fuck, and I already missed the mark to drink the wine during it’s peak, so I’m going to have to wait like, a decade for it to get good again,” Powell said. “I don’t have a wine cellar, but my mom’s laundry room is pretty cold and damp. I guess I could leave it there. Maiiideeeen!!”

Iron Maiden’s wine is on sale in the U.S. and most of Europe starting in October. The price is $30 dollars a bottle, or $20 for a bottle signed by Janick Gers.

Police Officer Goes Back in Time to Offer Baby Hitler Water

Posted on by Issa Diao

BRAUNAU AM INN, AUSTRIA — Fort Wayne, Ind. police officer Audrey Winnet traveled back in time last week to a small town on the Austria/Germany border to offer baby Adolph Hitler a bottle of water, supportive police commanders confirmed.

“I know three of Hitler’s siblings died when they were infants, so I needed to ensure this baby who would eventually murder millions of innocent people was well hydrated,” said Ofc. Winnet while enjoying the Austrian countryside. “I’m just doing my job here. I know a lot of civilians won’t understand that, but being a police officer comes with a lot of pressure — I need to take care of my community, and also make sure that our historical timelines aren’t interrupted by the untimely death of one of the most evil men to walk the planet. All in a day’s work.”

Local mother Klara Hitler was thankful for the officer’s generosity.

“This is the first time someone in strange clothing materialized in a burst of light who wasn’t a sweaty, knife-wielding maniac trying to kill my child,” said Ms. Hitler. “I usually have to fight these people tooth and nail and push them back into the mysterious portal they came from, but this woman was so very kind: she said she was a big fan of everything my son represented, and that her ‘friends on the force’ would be so jealous she got to meet him. She even stuck around long enough to knit a blanket that resembled the flag of the Americas — black and white with one blue stripe. It was quite lovely.”

Time machine inventor and local scientist Frances Lamont expressed concern over her invention being used to provide comfort to genocidal maniacs.

“Whenever I move to a new city, the police force always says they must commandeer my invention for reasons of ‘public safety,’ and I know they’re just going back in time to plant evidence on people to justify their killings,” said Lamont. “Every time one of the officers comes back from a time jump, they’re laughing and throwing around racial slurs, and then they thank me for being white. I know now that I need to destroy this machine and all blueprints associated with it before every officer-related shooting is covered up.”

At press time, historians announced they found a previously undiscovered plaque dedicated to Ofc. Winnet in the SS commander’s office at Auschwitz.

We Look Back on Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and Convince Ourselves He Did All That Stuff After That

Posted on by Dan Rice

At The Hard Times, we periodically like to pay homage to the most iconic albums of all time. So with Halloween around the corner, what better time to look back on Michael Jackson’s Thriller?

Unfortunately, last year’s bombshell HBO documentary Leaving Neverland sort of makes it the worst time to look back on Michael Jackson’s anything, like, forever. But like… come on, right?

I’m not trying to make some Woody Allen-esque “separate the art from the artist” argument here. I’m saying separate the artist from the artist. If you look at the timeline, well, not closely, but just sort of look at it, it’s completely plausible that Michael Jackson turned evil after recording Thriller. So it’s, like, fine. Right?

The video for Thriller was directed by John Landis, father of scandal factory Max Landis, so there ya go. John probably corrupted Michael Jackson and THEN he became a pedophile. But, like, the album was already done before shooting for the video started so I think we’re in the clear.

It’s fine. This is fine.

Look, this album fucks, okay? It’s undeniable! I’m not trying to deny what he did or defend him in any way. I’m just saying, you can’t prove that all of the… unpleasantness… didn’t start after the release of Thriller. Frankly, his music started to suck after that anyway, so it makes sense. Well, except for “Smooth Criminal” and “Man In The Mirror” but, again, he probably wrote those way before the kid stuff.

Look, when you appreciate this era of Michael’s music what you’re really appreciating is the production aesthetic of Quincy Jones anyway, so it’s fine. And yeah, Quincy is bat shit crazy now, but in a fun way! Just think of Michael as another musical instrument. Let’s say Jimmy Page’s guitar molested a child tomorrow. Would that mean we couldn’t listen to Led Zeppelin anymore? Of course not!

Also, let’s not talk about Jimmy Page!

Maybe it wasn’t even Michael. Ever think of that? Maybe the REAL Michael Jackson died in some accident and the record label replaced him with a lookalike, Paul McCartney style, and THAT GUY was a pedophile. It’s entirely possible!

Could a bad person have written “Human Nature?” Could a pedophile have written “P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing)?”

Oh. Shit.

Band Who Perfected Playing Quieter and Quieter Didn’t Realize You Can Just Fade Out in Pro Tools

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES – Indie pop band Sour Bitch Kids learned this morning that the hours they spent practicing their songs with ever decreasing volume were wasted, as it can be done by simply using a fader in Pro Tools, amused studio staff reported.

“Literal weeks of our lives were spent in the rehearsal space, gaining the leg strength to turn down amp volume knobs with our toes while continuing to play. And it was all for nothing,” lamented frontwoman and guitarist Catt Boreland. “As we finished our first live take, the producer chimed in from the booth saying, ‘Don’t do that.’ How was I supposed to know that every band I’ve ever heard wasn’t playing quieter or backing up farther away from the microphones? I feel like I’ve been lied to my whole life.”

Music producer Bob Shaffer was astounded by Sour Bitch Kids’ naivety towards working in a professional studio.

“Musicians are rarely the brightest people, but this truly feels like a new low,” explained Shaffer. “Things got worse when I mentioned that we should add more reverb, and they started packing up their gear to drive to the Grand Canyon to record. They’re entirely unaware of the powers of software. I would love to blame Betsy DeVos for their ostensibly deplorable educations, but I think they all graduated high school before she took over.”

Child psychologists stressed the importance of teaching kids to think beyond their first impressions of music.

“Don’t let your kid be the dummy who thinks that Harry Styles is at the radio station all day, performing his song live every hour,” said Dr. Daria McClusky. “Children need to know that fade outs are done using software, autotune helps singers hit the notes, and that’s a delay pedal at the beginning of The Fall of Troy’s ‘F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X.’ No one can play that many notes so quickly.”

Recording on Sour Bitch Kids’ record is delayed indefinitely while they sue a street magician who allegedly stole a quarter from within their bassist’s ear.

Quarantined Clock Town Resident Can’t Remember If It’s Day 1 or Day 3

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

CLOCK TOWN, Termina —  Clock Town resident and Stock Pot Inn owner Anju, 17, reported confusion today after struggling to remember what day it was due to Clock Town’s ongoing stay-at-home order. 

“I was halfway to the Laundry Pool to do my chores before I realized it was the Dawn of the First Day,” Anju said after finishing her lunch in the inn’s Employees Only room. “It was a miracle I was able to make it back to the inn in time to stand behind the Front Desk for four hours, then walk to the door, lock the door, return to the Employees Only room, and speak to my mother about fleeing to Romani Ranch. I feel helpless being stuck inside all day, but I suppose there’s nothing I can do but wake up at 6 a.m. like every morning and start all over again.”

When asked for comment, Mayor Dotour sympathized with his constituents struggling to maintain their schedules in the face of unprecedented times.

“Even though I sit in my office all day taking meetings, I too lose track of what day it is. This is why it’s so important, now more than ever, that we push onwards and hold the Carnival of Time as planned. It’s supposed to happen tonight, I think.”

Many other Clock Town residents expressed frustration about the seemingly endless quarantine measures.

“We’re all finding ways to manage, but how long is this going to go on?” said a man in a blue shirt juggling in the town square. “It’s like I’m living the same day over and over and over again.”

At press time, several members of a local construction crew reported feeling like time was moving even faster after a young boy played an uptempo tune on his ocarina.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

YouTube Movie Critic Fails to Suspend Disbelief After Girlfriend Breaks Up With Him

Posted on by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

NORFOLK, Va. — Local YouTube movie critic Danny Levy could not suspend his disbelief after his girlfriend, Jessica Myers, broke up with him after three years, according to local sources.

In a video posted to his YouTube channel, DisneyMomStan, Levy heavily criticized his recent breakup for not being realistic enough and having no basis in real life logic or fact.

“I guess this just takes place in a world where chemistry just fizzles out all of a sudden,” Levy said in his latest video. “It’s just historically inaccurate since we’ve enjoyed each other’s company for years and she’s never complained about me before. I guess I have to assume that those conversations just took place off screen somewhere!”

In an interview, Myers stated that while things started off well, Levy began to change after starting his movie critic YouTube channel. His subscriber count and views never really picked up, but he reportedly became so obsessed with critiquing and editing that it began to affect their relationship.

“He started critiquing everything in front of him,” Myers stated. “I’d come home bringing dinner and he’d be all like, ‘You didn’t have that when you left this morning! Talk about your inconsistencies!’ It wasn’t even really a critique, I think he’s just confused about object permanence at this point.”

Upon looking back, Levy expressed hope that a “director’s cut” of his relationship would come out soon that would correct the mistakes that the first version of the relationship supposedly made.

“I can only imagine that there was something behind the scenes happening that caused all the plotholes and scientific inaccuracies. I’m gonna start a petition and a hashtag or something to get the real version of this relationship.” 

At the time of reporting, Levy started to work on his next video, “Everything Wrong With My Ex’s Claim that I’m Emotionally Unavailable in Four Hours or Less.”

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RBG Doesn’t Expect This to Affect Judicial Duties

Posted on by John Merrifield

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg is determined to continue fulfilling her judicial duties despite her untimely death earlier today, according to sources desperately trying to keep it together.

“I have often said I would remain a member of the Court as long as I can do the job full steam and I don’t see any reason why this should hinder my ability to effectively perform my duties,” Bader Ginsburg stated upon ascending into Heaven. “Now that I’m free of that God Awful flesh prison, I feel more energized than ever.”

“Colon cancer, gall stones, fractured ribs, nodules on my damn lungs… none of that stuff could stop me, and if you think a little thing like leaving this mortal realm will, you clearly don’t know who you’re dealing with,” she added.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Welcome back everyone. This week’s comments feature adult themes, so if you are under 18 years old, please don’t tell your parents you saw any of this. 

With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s talk about that Mary Jane, that kush, the devil’s grass, that stuff you smoke because it works better than melatonin gummies:

5. PlayStation 5 to Bring Back That Slot for Hiding Your Weed In

This strain? This is a vintage 2003 Horse Stank, aged and cooked to perfection by a PS2 I bought on eBay. If you’d prefer something harder, I also have some Blue City Diesel that was left in during a back to back playthrough of Metal Gear Solid 2 and 3 — that fucks you up real good. I hope they legalize weed soon, because I am too socially anxious to find a dealer and so far this is the only method of obtaining it that I’ve managed to figure out.

4. Gamer Kicked Out of Louvre for Trying to Jump Into Mona Lisa World

I really would like to encourage our readers to take on this challenge, but unfortunately my GameFAQs guide for breaking into the Louvre was taken down by the French government. They’re so concerned about “real” art that they don’t even stop to think about the sick ASCII art I typed up featuring me tasing a guard. If you are going to attempt this for the gamer cred, do keep in mind you only get one try.

3. Gamer Can’t Help But Hear ‘Continue?’ Every Day When Waking Up

Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for these arresting words, TotallyNotJ. After hearing this story, we had Hard Drive artists recreate TotallyNotJ’s sleep deprived vision:

The worst part is that after hitting continue, he had to start all the way back at the beginning of an unskippable lecture. 

2. Psychic Beats Shit Out of Man Counting Tarot Cards

A little known fact about psychics is that they can not only predict your future, but ruin it too. Anyone who has played Metal Gear Solid knows that you shouldn’t pick these kinds of fights. Especially if you are a Pisces; your stats will just be far too low. Far too low. Look at me, Pisces. Don’t do it.

1. Vengeful God Moves On to Next Thing Tumblr Holds Dear

When you make fun of Tumblr, Tumblr arrives.

I was able to move past the sale to Yahoo, the removal of porn, Hamilton fanfic writers scamming people by feigning HIV, Dashcon, Communismkills, Superwholock, bone stealing, white girls pretending to be from India, diet pill scams, piss jello, the Homestuck fandom, white girls pretending to be Native American, endless discourse, Kickstarter scams, otherkin, and toe necklaces — but the thing that made me finally give up that hellsite site was the god-awful puns. God is trying to save you from yourselves.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media! Now go ahead and bust out that good PS2 weed so you can have yourself a nice smoke and an even nicer weekend.