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Police Officer Goes Back in Time to Offer Baby Hitler Water

BRAUNAU AM INN, AUSTRIA — Fort Wayne, Ind. police officer Audrey Winnet traveled back in time last week to a small town on the Austria/Germany border to offer baby Adolph Hitler a bottle of water, supportive police commanders confirmed.

“I know three of Hitler’s siblings died when they were infants, so I needed to ensure this baby who would eventually murder millions of innocent people was well hydrated,” said Ofc. Winnet while enjoying the Austrian countryside. “I’m just doing my job here. I know a lot of civilians won’t understand that, but being a police officer comes with a lot of pressure — I need to take care of my community, and also make sure that our historical timelines aren’t interrupted by the untimely death of one of the most evil men to walk the planet. All in a day’s work.”

Local mother Klara Hitler was thankful for the officer’s generosity.

“This is the first time someone in strange clothing materialized in a burst of light who wasn’t a sweaty, knife-wielding maniac trying to kill my child,” said Ms. Hitler. “I usually have to fight these people tooth and nail and push them back into the mysterious portal they came from, but this woman was so very kind: she said she was a big fan of everything my son represented, and that her ‘friends on the force’ would be so jealous she got to meet him. She even stuck around long enough to knit a blanket that resembled the flag of the Americas — black and white with one blue stripe. It was quite lovely.”

Time machine inventor and local scientist Frances Lamont expressed concern over her invention being used to provide comfort to genocidal maniacs.

“Whenever I move to a new city, the police force always says they must commandeer my invention for reasons of ‘public safety,’ and I know they’re just going back in time to plant evidence on people to justify their killings,” said Lamont. “Every time one of the officers comes back from a time jump, they’re laughing and throwing around racial slurs, and then they thank me for being white. I know now that I need to destroy this machine and all blueprints associated with it before every officer-related shooting is covered up.”

At press time, historians announced they found a previously undiscovered plaque dedicated to Ofc. Winnet in the SS commander’s office at Auschwitz.