LOS ANGELES – Indie pop band Sour Bitch Kids learned this morning that the hours they spent practicing their songs with ever decreasing volume were wasted, as it can be done by simply using a fader in Pro Tools, amused studio staff reported.
“Literal weeks of our lives were spent in the rehearsal space, gaining the leg strength to turn down amp volume knobs with our toes while continuing to play. And it was all for nothing,” lamented frontwoman and guitarist Catt Boreland. “As we finished our first live take, the producer chimed in from the booth saying, ‘Don’t do that.’ How was I supposed to know that every band I’ve ever heard wasn’t playing quieter or backing up farther away from the microphones? I feel like I’ve been lied to my whole life.”
Music producer Bob Shaffer was astounded by Sour Bitch Kids’ naivety towards working in a professional studio.
“Musicians are rarely the brightest people, but this truly feels like a new low,” explained Shaffer. “Things got worse when I mentioned that we should add more reverb, and they started packing up their gear to drive to the Grand Canyon to record. They’re entirely unaware of the powers of software. I would love to blame Betsy DeVos for their ostensibly deplorable educations, but I think they all graduated high school before she took over.”
Child psychologists stressed the importance of teaching kids to think beyond their first impressions of music.
“Don’t let your kid be the dummy who thinks that Harry Styles is at the radio station all day, performing his song live every hour,” said Dr. Daria McClusky. “Children need to know that fade outs are done using software, autotune helps singers hit the notes, and that’s a delay pedal at the beginning of The Fall of Troy’s ‘F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X.’ No one can play that many notes so quickly.”
Recording on Sour Bitch Kids’ record is delayed indefinitely while they sue a street magician who allegedly stole a quarter from within their bassist’s ear.