Help! I Started Masturbating While Working From Home and Now I’m Only Attracted To Excel Spreadsheets

Posted on by Kaitlin Crow

Working from home is hard. Really hard. Day in and day out I would stare at my Excel spreadsheets for months on end without human contact. Eventually, in my loneliness and isolation, they began to provide me comfort. Soon, I started seeing Excel in a new way.

This is hard for me to admit, but Microsoft Excel spreadsheets are the only thing that can turn me on anymore.

The supple curves of Calibri. The way it gently tells me there’s an error in my formula. Microsoft Excel is a saucy little minx. Even the name is hot. “Spreadsheets.” Yeah, spread those sheets. Bill Gates knew exactly what he was doing when he named this program.

It started simple. Sums. Medians. Means. It was vanilla, but you have to start somewhere. After a bit, I moved on to sorting and conditional formatting, but those were just band-aids. I was looking for something hardcore. That’s when I found pivot tables. I could stuff as many numbers as I wanted in there. Sometimes when I was feeling particularly wild I would add graphs in addition to the tables. Some of my worksheets would get to 20-30 tabs. Jesus, how did it get this bad?

I thought I had it under control. I tried to keep my Excel usage to work hours only, but I downloaded the app so I could get my fix any time. I tried to get my boyfriend in on it, but he doesn’t even know how to do a VLOOKUP. I left him when he told me he only used Tableau. Disgusting.

I tried to wean myself off of Excel but nothing has worked. My therapist advised I give Tinder a try but people just don’t have the sexy, precise grids of Microsoft Excel. Hypnosis was promising for a few days but the functions crept back into my mind and my hand crept back into my pants.

If anyone knows how to sexually deprogram someone, please email me. Or, better yet, share me on a Google Sheet.

Sonic Youth Weaponized Against Upstairs Neighbor

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — An artistically noisy altercation between neighbors escalated yesterday when Sonic Youth’s “Confusion Is Sex” was cranked to full volume and used as an offensive weapon, neighborhood sources who had never heard so much feedback in a recording confirmed.

“It’s like he’s training for the furniture-dragging Olympics up there. I kept hitting the floor with a broom, I tried knocking on their door… nothing worked. So, yeah, I cranked up that early Sonic Youth, and it started shaking the windows. Man, if I can’t take a nap, no one here can,” said noise rock instigator Andre Ramos. “The ceilings in this shitty building are paper thin, so I know they’re feeling that abrasive, experimental, early SST Bob Bert-era Sonic Youth coming through the floor at full blast. They must think an airplane is taking off below them.”

The upstairs neighbors criticized the choice of well-crafted yet chaotic art rock weaponry.

“I didn’t know I was making noise — it’s not my fault they didn’t give me carpet on a second-story apartment,” said neighbor Norah Pichelli. “And while I can appreciate Sonic Youth’s early lo-fi noise stuff, I really think it would be best to use their DGC catalog as a weapon. There’s better production and fuller sound on those albums, and they’re working with so many genres. That’s the kind of stuff that will bleed through a wall and get someone’s attention. He could have just texted me, though — we were already planning on getting beers later. It didn’t have to come to this.”

Apartment manager Lisa Bethana noted that volume wars have become an increasing problem, due to affordable, high-quality sound systems and the resurgence of noise-rock fandom.

“I understand wanting to fight fire with fire, so to speak, but it’s annoying to the other neighbors, and it also ignores the quiet subtleties of late-era Sonic Youth,” said Bethana. “Their albums of intricate, post-rock grooves they made as a five-piece at the top of their game are forgotten when it comes to albums you can crank up and enjoy while also pissing someone off. I love Steve Shelley’s thunderous drumming as much as the next person, but he’s also capable of making some quiet, meditative grooves. I think blasting that would make everyone happier.”

At press time, officers were called away from the scene to deal with someone holding up a bank with My Bloody Valentine’s “Loveless.”

Photo by Brett McCabe.

New Zelda Game’s Firm Place in Timeline Leaves Youtuber Unsure What to Spend Next Year of Life Obsessing Over

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

OSLO, Norway — YouTuber Konleith Narvesen is reportedly at a complete loss following the announcement that the newest Zelda game, Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity, would have a firm place in the Zelda timeline.

“This is just ridiculous,” Narvesen exclaimed in a vlog. “Over the years, Nintendo has changed the gameplay, the design, and even Link’s iconic green tunic, but they always made sure to only give us the vaguest of non-answers any time they’re asked about the timeline. This ‘clear cut timeline’ crap is a terrible direction for Nintendo to take the series.”

Narvesen was initially overjoyed at the reveal, but upon discovering that the game was a prequel — set in The Calamity event referenced throughout The Legend of Zelda: The Breath of the Wild — he sat in confused silence for the final 10 minutes of his original live reaction video.

“It felt like years of videos where I analyze specific pixels from the trailers and try to connect them to Phantom Hourglass were just destroyed,” Narvesen explain. “It’s like Nintendo just wants me to play the game and enjoy it with no questions asked. Where’s the fun in that?”

Though the revelation came as a shock to Narvesen, some of his subscribers think there’s more to the news than meets the eye.

“Honestly, it’s wild that people are just taking this news at face value. There’s obviously more to it than Konleith realizes,” read a reply to the video left by YouTuber TheShuzBog. “If you follow my theories, then you know that it’s actually the definitive end of the child timeline. Be sure to like and subscribe to NintendoShuz to see several hundred full videos about this!”

As of press time, the news does not appear to have hurt speculation surrounding Smash Brothers content, as multiple videos have been released speculating that the game was somehow further proof that Geno would be the next DLC fighter announced.

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Vast, Empty Field Elects New Mayor

Posted on by Ed Smith

NEWCITY02 — Voters have apparently grown tired of living in a featureless meadow, as a first-time runner has secured a landslide victory after repeated campaign promises of actual buildings.

“I really liked their ‘Let’s Create the Basic Requirements of a Town Where People Could Possibly Actually Feasibly Live’ policies,” explained Ryan Parkinson, an unemployed resident of Blank Development Tile Row 6, Column 4. “I mean, I know we’re supposed to be green these days, but would it have killed the last guy to build just one house?”

Other locals have expressed concern over the incoming administration’s radical plans for reform.

“Has everyone forgotten what happened in NEWCITY01?” asked Helen Broughton, during a meeting at a hovering, semi-opaque outline of a town hall. “First come the houses and the roads, but then before you know it we’ve got four nuclear power plants, ten harbours and the United Nations building. And what about the economy? Right now we have exactly $10,000. This whole ‘buying things’ idea is bound to cause a recession.”

Sources close to the new government have been quick to respond, reminding residents that prior to the election they had literally nothing.

“How did they even have an election?” questioned Jim Clements, general manager of the Mayor’s ambitious new project to construct a small section of road and three pylons. “Who organised it? Where did people go to vote? What were they even doing here?”

Nevertheless, concerns persist, leading overall happiness scores to drop from 50 to an all-time low of 49.

“So we’re going to have houses, electricity, a school, and food now,” continued Broughton. “Well, big deal. We’re also going to have jobs, pollution and a police force. No thank you, I’m moving to NEWCITY03.”

As of press time, the new mayor has began construction on 25 fountains in the shape of a pair of testicles, with a further 35 due added as part of an extension next week. Though unconfirmed at time of press, the Mayor is expected to announce plans for an upcoming zoo, hospital and rollercoaster. 

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Intelligent Bundle of Atoms Made of Stardust Late on Rent

Posted on by Mathieu Boumal

MILWAUKEE — Local conscious living creature Katrina Harris, who consists of an intricate assemblage of atoms made of stardust, reportedly failed to pay her rent this month due to financial difficulties.

“I just got fired,” said the woman who essentially originated in cosmic explosions billions of years ago and then lost her job at Wendy’s for stealing burger patties. “It’s just a temporary situation, though. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

“I’m thinking of moving to Minneapolis anyway, since it’s a lot more vibrant there,” added the sentient creature who could live on any of the seven continents of a 4.5 billion-year-old planet, the only one we know of inhabited by living things.

Landlord Greg Baldwin, frustrated by his carbon-based tenant in the past, was annoyed about the late payment in the form of currency that humans created as part of a greater social construct, which he could use in exchange for goods to distract himself from the ultimate fate of the universe.

“It’s not the first time she’s late on rent, and this caboodle of molecules is really starting to get on my nerves,” said Baldwin, who likewise consists mostly of matter created through nucleosynthesis in stars that have since died. “I mean, I don’t see what the problem is here. Isn’t she able to compute complex information through connecting synapses in her brain, enabling her to make a wire transfer with her banking app like anyone else? It’s not rocket science.”

Childhood friend Georgie Lemaitre admitted she’s grown tired of her friend’s lack of responsibility.

“Listen, we get it: you’re at the very end of a lineage that traces back to a single-celled organism 3.5 billion years ago,” said Lemaitre about her friend, whose body is slowly decaying and will eventually feed the earth after her inevitable death. “Big deal. Welcome to the club.”

The conscious collection of remnants of stars is also overdue on her astronomical hospital bills stemming from a surgery after an unfortunate incident in Moose Lake, Minn. in the Milky Way galaxy.

2 Broke Girls Rebooted on OnlyFans

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — CBS executives announced today the return of “2 Broke Girls” as an OnlyFans exclusive, following the success of previous reboots like “Young Sheldon,” horny fans of hack comedy confirmed.

“We wanted to take an idea we already hammered into the ground and give it a new, lucrative twist for the 2020s,” said CBS producer Skip Travis with a rolled-up $20 in his nose. “We think the idea of trivializing two 20-somethings being forced into sex work to make ends meet is a gold mine for humor. Plus, since we already had the template for the show, this required minimal effort to make. We look forward to bringing you Max and Caroline’s wacky new adventures that blur the line between sitcom and hardcore pornography each Monday this fall.”

Show co-creator and comedian Whitney Cummings is excited by the new platform.

“This is a really great opportunity for me not only to take another stab at subpar network comedy but to give it a certain gratuitous smuttiness that never transferred very well from my act to television,” stated Cummings. “I was a bit wary about coming to OnlyFans, but given that the audience will probably be paying more attention to the fucking as opposed to the writing and acting, I think the show’s complete lack of understanding of contemporary Millennial life and jokes that rely on outdated social, gender, and racial stereotypes will do very well.”

“There will also be bonus pay per view features, which will allow top subscribers to turn off the laugh track if it gets too distracting,” Cummings added.

Despite these assurances, critics seemed unimpressed.

“I don’t quite get why this is happening — is this something people were actually clamoring for? I get the appeal of the nudity, but do people really like cumming along with a studio audience?” asked confused TV critic Emily Vanderwerff. “It’s pretty much exactly like one of the countless porn parodies of ‘2 Broke Girls,’ but with much worse jokes.”

Sadly, test viewers have thus far agreed, noting that camgirls “could never afford that apartment.”

Poser Wearing Che Guevara Shirt Can’t Even Name Three of His Songs

Posted on by Stephen Bell

OBERLIN, Ohio — Supposed radical leftist Kristen Dermitt revealed herself to be a total poser today, wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt despite not being able to name any of his songs, disgusted sources confirmed.

“I pride myself on being a true believer in the revolution and a gatekeeper against mindless western capitalism,” said Oberlin student Wesley Wallace. “That’s why when I saw this normie wearing a Che T-shirt, I knew I had to call her out — she couldn’t even name some of his bigger hits like ‘Bulls on Parade.’ Fucking poser.”

However, Dermitt pushed back hard against the “poser” narrative.

“Look, I realize I may not be as big a fan of Che as some would like me to be, but that’s not why I wear this shirt,” said Dermitt. “What is important is that I know what this shirt stands for: without Che, there’s no way we could’ve won the battle of Los Angeles. He’s just a total fucking renegade like that.”

Local historian Erika Katzinberger was contacted to help set the record straight about Guevara’s legacy.

“Clearly, Che Guevera is not Zack de la Rocha, the frontman for Rage Against The Machine,” said Katzinberger. “Though, both have both been on tour in a sense, but in different ways: Zack toured to millions of screaming fans while spreading messages against western capitalism and exploitation through his music. Che, meanwhile, toured the Cuban countryside as he attempted to liberate people from what he viewed as invasive western capitalism and exploitation using bullets. Similar, except in all of the ways they’re different.”

At press time, Dermitt was getting called out by her girlfriend for wearing a Rolling Stones “tongue” T-shirt while still being opposed to going down on her for longer than 20 seconds.

We Sat Down With Legendary Social Media Influencers Depression and Anxiety

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s not every day you get to interview a pair of infamous social media influencers. Recently, we sat down with the iconic and massively influential social media duo Depression and Anxiety. So when both came knocking on our door, unanticipated and very much unwanted on this bleak day where we already didn’t want to get out of bed in the first place, we forced ourselves to muster up some strength to ask a few questions.

The Hard Times: Wow, what an honor. You’ve been such a huge influence on a lot of people out there on the internet, including me. How does it feel to have so many followers?

Depression: Whatever. I should care more, but I just don’t have the energy today. I much prefer to focus on drawbacks anyway.

Anxiety: I have a nagging suspicion based on no evidence whatsoever that my followers don’t even like me.

What are some of the trends you’ve inspired online?

Depression: When someone posts a selfie with their partner accompanied by the caption, “I love us,” that’s just code for, “my existential dread is at an all-time high and this relationship will not end well for either of us.” I would know because I created that.

Anxiety: I straight up invented the phrase, “please like and subscribe,” as a desperate attempt to garner any sort of validity from strangers.

Wow, talk about game-changing. Do you have any thoughts on why people can be so mean online?

Depression: Don’t know. Don’t care. I’m totally here for it, though.

Anxiety: Wait, are you saying I’m mean?

Just curious, do either of you go to therapy?

Depression: Hell no. That would seriously put my online persona in danger. I mean, I hate myself more than anything, but my follower count is astronomical. No way I’m messing with that.

Anxiety: I get the sense you’re just asking because you think I definitely need to go to therapy so for the rest of the day I’ll be preoccupied with why you asked that question and then again at inopportune times in the future.

Who are your biggest supporters?

Depression: Internet entrepreneurs, for sure. The more they say “hustle” and “grind,” the bigger the fan.

Anxiety: Twitter is obsessed with me.

Well, thanks for stopping by. You’re free to leave now.

Depression: Actually, I think I’ll stay awhile. Got any food? I’m pretty low maintenance. I’ll eat frozen pizza without even heating it up.

Anxiety: Yeah, me too. You want to have absolutely no fun and overthink this entire interview for a few hours before ultimately using that frustrated energy to pick some fights online?

Blues Traveler Inducted Into “Band You’re Probably Gonna Hear at Walgreens” Hall of Fame

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PRINCETON, N.J. — Legendary drugstore playlist rock outfit Blues Traveler were inducted into the “Band You’re Probably Gonna Hear at Walgreens” Hall of Fame yesterday after smashing world records for being the most-played musical act at the nationwide pharmacy chain, sources vaguely familiar with the 90s jam band reported.

“This is the most recognition we’ve received since that sponsorship from that bootleg hacky sack company,” said John Popper, lead singer and harmonicist for the band voted 47th-most memorable performance at Woodstock ‘94. “Walgreens has always been a huge supporter of ours, and has unequivocally given us the most radio play in the country. In fact, a large portion of our active fanbase knows us exclusively from this place. It’s just a shame we’re more partial to getting our over-the-counter drugs from CVS. But hey, we’ll take what we can get.”

Customers of the second-largest pharmacy store chain have noticed the frequency of hearing the band’s hit while shopping.

“I hear this damn song every time I step foot in this store… always thought it was Hootie and the Blowfish, though. It all just sort of blends together between announcements about being valued customers,” said customer Jerry Zackfield while standing in line. “I kind of remember Blues Traveling [sic] from the final scene in ‘Kingpin,’ but really only ever hear them nowadays when I’m picking up a prescription for my genital warts medication. And that’s when I know it’s time to put in my Airpods and play literally anything else.”

Experts have long criticized the sheer amount of awards given out today.

“The real prestigious halls of fame get muddied up by the influx of all these lesser ones, like the Walgreens hall, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” said music critic Rachel Cronerburn. “Literally anyone can start up their own hall of fame as a nonprofit organization and start dishing out bullshit recognition points. It’s great for mediocre bands, but bad news for legendary ones. It’s almost like every band you’ve remotely heard of in the 90s needs their own music participation trophy. As a boomer who prefers to withhold acknowledgement, I find it sickening.”

In related news, Rite Aid honored the Goo Goo Dolls with a lifetime achievement award for their rhythm section’s excellence in co-managing a store on Delaware Avenue in Buffalo, New York.

Raccoon City Police Department Bans Controversial ‘Move While Aiming’ Technique

Posted on by Neil Floyd

RACCOON CITY — The embattled Raccoon Police Department has officially banned the force’s unpopular ‘move while aiming,’ technique, Chief of Police Brian Irons confirmed today.

“We’ve heard the outcry and RPD is responding,” said Irons in a press conference earlier today. “We are again requiring patrolmen and S.T.A.R.S members to stand completely still while aiming their service weapon, no matter how many muscular, leather-clad giants are chasing them. And to those who are worried the ban will make Racoon City less safe, allow me to put those doubts to rest. As an American police department, we operate with virtually zero oversight or accountability. We’re still allowed to break into a suspect’s home after finding the unicorn medallion, turn off our body cameras, then plant green herbs on whoever survives. You know, the traditional techniques.”

Irons went on to confirm RPD has no plans to retire the police station’s card suit-based security system, which the city’s Office of the Inspector General once called “complete bullshit.”

“It’s about fucking time,” said Elza Cottman, head of Racoon City’s largest law enforcement watchdog group. “The cops in this city were bad enough when they had the turning radius of a stoned cruise ship and forgot how to walk whenever they drew their guns. I even saw a few of ‘em running around with rocket launchers. How many domestic disturbances is a cop going to de-escalate with a rocket launcher?”

“Anyway,” continued Cottman, “those pigs’ jobs became so much easier after they could move while aiming. The RPD quickly became the scariest thing in the city, and we’ve got zombie dogs in the forest and a giant alligator in the sewers. Maybe now that move while aiming is banned, our community can focus on more important things, like trying to remember which doors we haven’t unlocked in our houses yet.”

At press time, the RPD was attempting to contain a riot that had broken out due to the announcement of a county-wide ink ribbon shortage.

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