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Help! I Started Masturbating While Working From Home and Now I’m Only Attracted To Excel Spreadsheets

Working from home is hard. Really hard. Day in and day out I would stare at my Excel spreadsheets for months on end without human contact. Eventually, in my loneliness and isolation, they began to provide me comfort. Soon, I started seeing Excel in a new way.

This is hard for me to admit, but Microsoft Excel spreadsheets are the only thing that can turn me on anymore.

The supple curves of Calibri. The way it gently tells me there’s an error in my formula. Microsoft Excel is a saucy little minx. Even the name is hot. “Spreadsheets.” Yeah, spread those sheets. Bill Gates knew exactly what he was doing when he named this program.

It started simple. Sums. Medians. Means. It was vanilla, but you have to start somewhere. After a bit, I moved on to sorting and conditional formatting, but those were just band-aids. I was looking for something hardcore. That’s when I found pivot tables. I could stuff as many numbers as I wanted in there. Sometimes when I was feeling particularly wild I would add graphs in addition to the tables. Some of my worksheets would get to 20-30 tabs. Jesus, how did it get this bad?

I thought I had it under control. I tried to keep my Excel usage to work hours only, but I downloaded the app so I could get my fix any time. I tried to get my boyfriend in on it, but he doesn’t even know how to do a VLOOKUP. I left him when he told me he only used Tableau. Disgusting.

 

I tried to wean myself off of Excel but nothing has worked. My therapist advised I give Tinder a try but people just don’t have the sexy, precise grids of Microsoft Excel. Hypnosis was promising for a few days but the functions crept back into my mind and my hand crept back into my pants.

If anyone knows how to sexually deprogram someone, please email me. Or, better yet, share me on a Google Sheet.

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