The New Getting Fucked up? I Didn’t Drink Last Night and I Feel Really Good

Posted on by Tom Peters

Let’s face it, getting older brings a new series of challenges when it comes to getting totally fucked up. Higher tolerance, harsher hangovers, coworkers who go home to their families instead of the bar; the adult world is littered with obstacles in the way of you getting blasted beyond comprehension like you used to.

What if I told you I discovered this one cool trick that lets you get out of bed feeling like you’ve had three drinks already? Plus, it’s totally free! And no, I’m not talking about stealing nitrous chargers from the kitchen at work, though we should circle back to that. What I’m saying is, I didn’t drink last night, got a full eight hours of sleep, and I have never felt this good.

Believe it or not, I stumbled on this lifehack totally by accident. One minute I’m on the couch watching YouTube videos about sword-making and the next I’m waking up at 9:37… AM! I felt so good I knew I must still be drunk. I was confused when I saw that I hadn’t even touched the bottle of Tito’s on the coffee table. Maybe I drank the first bottle and was on my way to opening a second but never got around to it? But no, there were far too few broken mirrors in my apartment for that kind of night.

When using a new drug for the first time, you want to know what you’ll be in for. For me, the sensation that followed was pretty tight. I would describe it as a mellow body buzz without any of the cloudy brain fog. Like smoking a really good Sativa after a few fat rails of Adderall.

The usual morning headache was gone, my uvula wasn’t shredded from snore-screaming, and I was able to stand up on my first try. I went to work with a positive mental attitude. I was whistling, skipping, and listening to music. That day, the gin blossoms were in my ears instead of all over my face.

I wasn’t sure if I could do it again right away or if my body needed time to replenish the serotonin but after enough episodes of “Forged in Fire,” I blasted off all over again.

I’d recommend trying it for the first time in a familiar setting with friends in case you freak out or have a bad dream. Don’t do it too much or for too long though. The first time is always the best and you’ll just end up chasing the dragon. Before you know it, you’ll be sleeping nine or even ten hours a night.

I love this new drug but I’m starting to get an itch for something new. Next week, I’ll let you know all about my experiences with “runner’s high.”

Dog Can’t Believe They Allow Kids in This Brewery

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local good boy Valentino was disgusted and appalled last week after an afternoon at his favorite brewery was ruined, thanks to constant harassment from wild children, according to Yelp reviewers who “would have left zero stars if they could.”

“My owner takes me to Social State Brewing at least once a week — sometimes you just need to relax in the sun and sniff some butts, you know? But yesterday, I’d barely snagged a fallen tater tot when these dirty, germ-infested kids stormed into the place and started touching my face,” said Valentino, the poodle-mix who left the scathing review. “I’m all for people having kids, don’t get me wrong… but I just feel that if you take them out in public, they should be on a leash. This isn’t a fucking daycare center.”

Fellow canines agreed, saying that the brewery wasn’t doing enough to curb unwanted contact with children.

“I was a regular for years, but I stopped going three months ago after a kid named Braylen or Brynch or something stupid picked me up out of nowhere and gave me a hug. His mom thought it was cute, but I didn’t see any tags on him, and frankly, I’m uncomfortable being touched by unvaccinated children,” said Dudley, a two-year-old chiweenie. “It doesn’t help that I’m a little guy, and it’s infuriating that they’re always trying to kiss my face while their parents just sit there and think it’s funny. There’s a thing called consent, people!”

For their part, Social State assured drinkers and dogs that they will address the issues while maintaining a welcoming environment.

“These criticisms are not unfounded, we will admit. We also believe that our two-legged offspring are just as welcome as our four-legged friends, and there’s room for everyone here,” said brewery owner Tony DeSiato. “On the other hand, I can see where the dogs are coming from — they’re not the ones throwing Jenga pieces at patrons. And, if I can be honest, they shit and/or piss on the floor far less than kids do.”

Valentino updated his review today to three stars, after seeing that the brewery built an outdoor off-leash kids area separate from the main hall.

Opinion: Proper Spelling Is for the Bougieosie

Posted on by Rick Homuth

A spectar is haunting our political discourse — the spectar of spelling elietism.

When I comennced with my college education six years ago, I had a choice to make. I could capitullate to the demands of proffessors and teachers assisttants that my grammar and syntacts adhear to they’re made-up guidelines. Or I could walk the rightious path, reject the shackels of academiah, and embrase modernty.

I became a democratic socialest, mostly in hopes that it would help me weaseal out of any spelling requirements in my term papers. Much time has passed, but I am still just as ecstatac about my choice as I was all those years back, when a pretty-bluehaired girl with tattoos handed me a DSA pamflet. I never read it, and she stopped risponding to my DMs, but I can tell I’m making her prowd.

Now lets get one thing clear: diligent attentivetity to ones spelling and grammar does not equal smartness. A lot of people these days talk about how our cultures rely on out-dated methids of guaging intelligence in order to gate keep institutions from those in lower in-come brackets, which dispraportionitely targets minoreties. I see no reason why the same cannot be true for me, a white kid accepted on the basis of a legecy addmision, who is here on his parents’s dimes.

Us English majors get a bad rap. People from top to bottom maline us as lazy romantics without and hope of landing a good job. But they’re missing the point — its a bout the libertie to do what you want, even if (and especialy if) you don’t want to do anything at all. I was dettermined to do exactly that even before I found out I could pick up the mantel of communism and use it to shield myself from critiqism.

And I’ll tell you what else I’m not doing — none of my assinements are coming in on time. This colege’s deadlines are a societal construction and I reject them all forth-right, with extreme prejudice, indubutabley. I asumme it’s what Carl Marx would have wanted.

We in this country have found ourselves at a forkroad. I hope the choice we make is the choiciest one.

Bad Jack White Tattoo Also Great Cher Tattoo

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local punk Kyla Waters has spent the past 24 hours trying to decide if her roommate’s new tattoo either looks nothing like Jack White or exactly like Cher.

“My roommate showed me his new tattoo after coming back from the shop yesterday, and when I told him I didn’t realize he was such a big Cher fan, he looked confused and kind of upset,” said Waters. “If it’s a Jack White tattoo, it fails on every level. It’s a much better Cher tattoo — nearly perfect even — but there are still enough Jack White elements to land it in the uncanny valley. It’s an almost perfect midpoint between Jack White and Cher… which is something I’m not sure man was ever meant to see, and now that I say it out loud, is also likely a collaboration in the works.”

Tattoo artist and massive Cher fan Vince Gurdy admitted that a mix of inexperience and personal bias contributed to the tattoo’s confusing design.

“Normally tattoos of celebrity faces are no-go for me because they’re not my forte, but this guy was determined to get a tattoo of the White Stripes guy, and insisted on getting it from me, so I gave it my best shot,” said Gurdy. “But then ‘Believe’ came on the radio, and I guess just gravitated toward my queen, and instead of drawing Jack White, I drew an unholy combination of him and Cher. It’s hard to look at, but at the same time it’s undeniably sexy, and it may also be my masterpiece.”

Thankfully, Cher made herself available to give her opinion on the tattoo.

“It’s like looking in a blurry mirror. It’s very close to looking like me. Everything seems right, but something just feels… off,” said the pop music icon. “Obviously there’s some resemblance between us — I’ve signed enough ‘Elephant’ vinyls to prove that — but this is different. It almost looks like the movie poster for ‘Face/Off,’ but in addition to Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, you toss in me and Jack White, and possibly a young Elvis. I’m as flattered as I am repulsed.”

Compounding the confusion, Waters’s roommate allegedly also has a Meg White tattoo that somehow looks like Sonny Bono.

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: No Smoking

Posted on by Coward Hour

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

Nik returns from the woods to discuss how he would choose Randy Newman over Brendan in a game of death.

Geneticists Raise Ethical Questions After Successfully Creating Echo Fighter of Sheep

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

EDINBURGH, Scotland — In a huge scientific breakthrough that also raises many ethical questions, geneticists at the University of Edinburgh’s Roslin Institute announced yesterday that they have successfully created the first echo fighter of a sheep in a laboratory, sources confirmed.

“This is the very first time that an echo fighter has been created from the cells of a living creature,” said lead researcher Dr. Caitlin Strauss, Ph.D., noting that the two sheeps share many of the same physical attributes and attack animations, but have distinctly different appearances and sounds. “The original sheep was named Louise, so it’s only natural that we name the echo fighter Dark Louise.” 

The scientific community has yet to come to a consensus of whether giving life to echo fighters from the living tissue of other creatures is ethical.

“This is definitely murky territory,” said Martha Cyert, Ph.D, chair of the Stanford University Department of Biology. “If this kind of technology became widespread, it could be easily abused. Just look at how many echo fighters there are in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate alone. Seven! And that’s the work of a single man! We need to be responsible with this technology and really think about our actions or else the population density could become as bad as Ultimate’s character select screen.”

At press time, Dr. Cyert warned further that genetic experiments could eventually lead to the rise of “designer babies” whose traits are selected through some system similar to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’s Mii Fighter creation interface.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Gamer Needs to Gamify Playing Video Games In Order to Get Through Gaming

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PHILADELPHIA — Local gamer Carla Ward reportedly needs to trick herself into finishing video games by gamifying them in order to get through her daily gaming sessions.

“I love video games, but I hate playing them. That’s why I needed a system to gamify gaming for myself,” explained Ward in a viral Reddit post. “I have set up a system for myself where I give myself points every time I complete a task in a game. If I wrack up enough game points, I reward myself with a small gift, like buying a new video game. This incentives gaming for me and makes it easier for me to get through all my video game chores.”

The post quickly gained traction on Reddit, garnering thousands of comments from those looking to gamify video games for themselves.

“Gamifying weight loss was such a good strategy for me, so I can really see this working for gaming as well,” said u/Mayonetta92. “I don’t know what it is, but something about making things more like a video game really tricks my brain into getting things done. So I can totally see how applying that strategy to video games would get me to finally do it. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?!”

“This is such a smart fucking idea. Someone should make an app,” said u/GregGeralto. “I have so much fucking gaming to get through and gamifying it would realllllly help me get to the bottom of my backlog. I just worry I’ll have to gamify taking the time to gamify my gaming.”

At press time, Ward finally got through all her gaming so that she could get to the good stuff: complaining about video games on Twitter.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Nintendo in Panic Mode After Microsoft Acquires Luigi

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has reportedly entered a full state of panic with executives blindsided after Microsoft announced that it had acquired Luigi.

“How is this even possible!?” shouted a panicked Shigeru Miyamoto. “Buying all of our trusted third party partners is one thing, but now they’re taking my own painstaking creations right out from under my nose? Who even authorized this!?”

The news came shortly after Microsoft announced it was finalizing plans to acquire publishing giant Bethesda. In a second press release later in the day, the Microsoft blog added it had come to terms with a deal to make Luigi the new face of Xbox, noting that the Mario brother has shown his true colors for decades by wearing Xbox green.

“We are thrilled to welcome Luigi to the Xbox family,” said Gaming at Microsoft Vice President Phil Spencer. “With premier services like Xbox Game Pass and xCloud, players will now be able to experience Luigi anytime, anywhere. We just don’t think fans got that kind of versatile accessibility with the Nintendo Switch.”

In retaliation to the deal, Nintendo says it has prohibited Microsoft from using Luigi’s last name, Mario, which Nintendo still owns. Instead, Microsoft says Luigi’s new legal name going forward will be Luigi Cortana.

“Maybe it’s our own fault,” said Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa. “Perhaps if we treated Luigi with the respect and care he deserved, he’d still want to work with us. We plan on changing how we treat our property going forward and will put more time and energy into all of our characters, like Mario, Link, and…. Uh…. shoot, what’s her name?”

To get around having to scrub the now inaccurate “Brothers” usage from the franchise’s history, Nintendo plans to retcon Waluigi into Mario’s canonical brother.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Definitive List of Animals We Think Trent Reznor Wants To Fuck You Like

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Journalism is all about specificity. So when it came time to analyze Nine Inch Nails’ ’90s love anthem “Closer,” we took a deep dive into the lyric, “I want to fuck you like an animal.” Particularly, what the hell kind of animal Mr. Reznor wants to make love to you like. After doing a bunch of research by watching National Geographic programming and a slew of YouTube videos we can’t unsee, here’s the definitive list of animals we think Trent Reznor wants to fuck you like:

Pig – Nine Inch Nails have songs called “March of the Pigs” and “Piggy,” and it’s a well-known fact that Trent’s favorite fable is “The Three Little Pigs.” Wait, did the pigs fuck the wolf? I haven’t read it in a while. Either way, curl your finger and put it behind your lower back because we think Trent Reznor wants to hit that, piggy-style.

Dog – Trent has bigtime “I breed dogs as my side hustle” energy, which would also mean he watches them fuck a lot. A LOT. We think.

Ferret – There’s a line in the song, “it’s your sex I can smell,” and if you’ve ever known a guy that owned ferrets you know their place constantly smells like hot steaming fecal matter. Just like sex.

Monkey – There’s a monkey in the video. Is that a clue?

Cat. Garfield, specifically – Word around our office has it that Trent heats up a big plate of leftover lasagna after a heavy night of animal-inspired sex and has a strict “no intercourse on Mondays” policy. Possible connection?

Snake – If anyone knows how the hell snakes can actually fuck without arms or legs, you know it would be the guy who wrote the lyrics “I drink the honey inside your hive.”

Bees – See aforementioned “hive” lyric.

Harambe – Not really. Just want to take a quick pause to remember this legend.

Punxsutawney Phil – This groundhog can absolutely get it.

Animal from the Muppets – It was right in front of our faces this whole time. He wants to fuck you like Animal.

Man Who Used to Live in Crack House Weirdly Braggy About it

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man and alleged former drug addict Kyle Drury is “weirdly braggy” about the apparently darkest, most terrifying experience of his life living in a “totally real” crack house, incredulous sources confirmed.

“I prefer not to talk about my past much… but, yeah, I used to live in a crack house. People I’ve never seen came in and out all the time; there was no running water; the whole place smelled like piss. But I barely noticed because back then I was doing, like, all the drugs, you know? My life just revolved around tonguing that brown tiger, you feel me?” said Drury. “Does it make me tough as hell for having survived life in a crack house and subsequently a total badass for getting that monkey off my back? That’s not for me to judge. But most people think it’s true. So there’s that.”

Coworker and occasional drug user who “doesn’t make a big deal about it” Amy Bennett questioned Drury’s showing-off.

“Usually, former addicts don’t lead with that in every single conversation they have… and if they do, it’s because they’re trying to convert you to Christianity. The fact that he never misses a chance to bring it up is pretty suspect. And besides, we work in a restaurant — everyone in the front of the house is either nursing a hangover, periodically taking bumps in the bathroom, or both. So who cares?” said Bennett. “One time I started grilling him about what he was actually addicted to, and he started naming crazy shit I never heard of, like ‘crush,’ ‘ice,’ ‘fizz,’ and ‘squirt.’ It wasn’t until my shift was over that I realized he was just pulling names from the soda fridge behind me.”

Drury’s former addiction counselor Anya Whitaker claimed she saw no evidence that Drury had an issue or “ever ingested any narcotics, ever.”

“During group therapy, he would get visibly squeamish if someone mentioned needles. He would also frequently remark that the stories were ‘bummers’ and request someone tell a ‘happy drug story,’” said Whitaker. “It became obvious very quickly that he did not have a drug problem. He was just a young man who enjoyed laying about our very expensive, upscale rehab clinic. But, his check cleared, so…”

Drury has been kicked out of his mother’s home after she found out he told neighbors that the 61-year-old preschool teacher is a “crackwhore” and “former drug mule.”