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Man Who Used to Live in Crack House Weirdly Braggy About it

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man and alleged former drug addict Kyle Drury is “weirdly braggy” about the apparently darkest, most terrifying experience of his life living in a “totally real” crack house, incredulous sources confirmed.

“I prefer not to talk about my past much… but, yeah, I used to live in a crack house. People I’ve never seen came in and out all the time; there was no running water; the whole place smelled like piss. But I barely noticed because back then I was doing, like, all the drugs, you know? My life just revolved around tonguing that brown tiger, you feel me?” said Drury. “Does it make me tough as hell for having survived life in a crack house and subsequently a total badass for getting that monkey off my back? That’s not for me to judge. But most people think it’s true. So there’s that.”

Coworker and occasional drug user who “doesn’t make a big deal about it” Amy Bennett questioned Drury’s showing-off.

“Usually, former addicts don’t lead with that in every single conversation they have… and if they do, it’s because they’re trying to convert you to Christianity. The fact that he never misses a chance to bring it up is pretty suspect. And besides, we work in a restaurant — everyone in the front of the house is either nursing a hangover, periodically taking bumps in the bathroom, or both. So who cares?” said Bennett. “One time I started grilling him about what he was actually addicted to, and he started naming crazy shit I never heard of, like ‘crush,’ ‘ice,’ ‘fizz,’ and ‘squirt.’ It wasn’t until my shift was over that I realized he was just pulling names from the soda fridge behind me.”

Drury’s former addiction counselor Anya Whitaker claimed she saw no evidence that Drury had an issue or “ever ingested any narcotics, ever.”

“During group therapy, he would get visibly squeamish if someone mentioned needles. He would also frequently remark that the stories were ‘bummers’ and request someone tell a ‘happy drug story,’” said Whitaker. “It became obvious very quickly that he did not have a drug problem. He was just a young man who enjoyed laying about our very expensive, upscale rehab clinic. But, his check cleared, so…”

Drury has been kicked out of his mother’s home after she found out he told neighbors that the 61-year-old preschool teacher is a “crackwhore” and “former drug mule.”