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Dog Can’t Believe They Allow Kids in This Brewery

MINNEAPOLIS — Local good boy Valentino was disgusted and appalled last week after an afternoon at his favorite brewery was ruined, thanks to constant harassment from wild children, according to Yelp reviewers who “would have left zero stars if they could.”

“My owner takes me to Social State Brewing at least once a week — sometimes you just need to relax in the sun and sniff some butts, you know? But yesterday, I’d barely snagged a fallen tater tot when these dirty, germ-infested kids stormed into the place and started touching my face,” said Valentino, the poodle-mix who left the scathing review. “I’m all for people having kids, don’t get me wrong… but I just feel that if you take them out in public, they should be on a leash. This isn’t a fucking daycare center.”

Fellow canines agreed, saying that the brewery wasn’t doing enough to curb unwanted contact with children.

“I was a regular for years, but I stopped going three months ago after a kid named Braylen or Brynch or something stupid picked me up out of nowhere and gave me a hug. His mom thought it was cute, but I didn’t see any tags on him, and frankly, I’m uncomfortable being touched by unvaccinated children,” said Dudley, a two-year-old chiweenie. “It doesn’t help that I’m a little guy, and it’s infuriating that they’re always trying to kiss my face while their parents just sit there and think it’s funny. There’s a thing called consent, people!”

For their part, Social State assured drinkers and dogs that they will address the issues while maintaining a welcoming environment.

“These criticisms are not unfounded, we will admit. We also believe that our two-legged offspring are just as welcome as our four-legged friends, and there’s room for everyone here,” said brewery owner Tony DeSiato. “On the other hand, I can see where the dogs are coming from — they’re not the ones throwing Jenga pieces at patrons. And, if I can be honest, they shit and/or piss on the floor far less than kids do.”

Valentino updated his review today to three stars, after seeing that the brewery built an outdoor off-leash kids area separate from the main hall.