Guy with Pavement Lyrics on Tinder Profile Looking for Obscure but Critically Acclaimed Relationship

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

CHICAGO — Local Pavement fan Nathan Matthews added Pavement lyrics to his Tinder profile yesterday, hoping to attract a woman with the same exact hyper-specific expectations for a relationship, sources close to the chronically single man confirmed.

“I just feel like I’m a little unlucky when it comes to love,” said Matthews while reorganizing his vinyl collection by spine color. “I want a relationship that’s cross-genre, hard to define, and impossible to explain why it’s good, but I know it’s special once I hear it… I mean, hear them. Like, you either get it, or you don’t. And what most women want is more straightforward and obvious, like a pop song with a predictable rhyme scheme and monosyllabic lyrics.”

“Though I guess I probably should stop texting the girls I’ve gone out with and asking them if I can make them a playlist,” he added.

Women who dated Matthews admit they didn’t quite realize what the quotes in his profile alluded to.

“I guess I just thought he was kind of a bad poet, which is fine. When I read, ‘And I’m asking you to hold me, just like the morning paper,’ and, ‘If I could settle down, then I would settle down,’ I had no clue those were lyrics, or that Pavement was a band,” said Alexandra Caplan, who went mini golfing with Matthews last fall. “Nate always said he wanted a relationship that wasn’t necessarily appreciated in its own time, but would later be regarded as massively influential. Whatever that means.”

Respected music critic Jen Murphy says it’s not uncommon for some men to rate and review their partnerships, much like she does with new albums at her job.

“I’ve gotten some weird emails in my line of work, but none weirder than the ones I get from Pavement fans asking me for my review rubric and claiming that they just want their relationship to be a perfect 10, like ‘Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain: LA’s Desert Origins,’ the remastered reissue of ‘Slanted & Enchanted: Luxe & Reduxe,’” said Murphy. “There’s only two pieces of advice I give to female rock critics: never cry at work, and create a special filter to route the emails you get from indie rock fans to your spam folder. Whatever these guys are looking for, I hope they find it.”

At press time, Matthews had reportedly updated his Tinder profile to say, “Honey, you’re a prize and I’m a catch and we’re a perfect match.”

Twitch Viewer Who Turned Off Stream’s Volume So He Could Do Work Now Just Watching in Silence

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local work-from-home employee Martin Rowe turned off the volume on the Twitch stream he was watching so that he could finish up some spreadsheets and is now reportedly just watching the stream in silence instead.

“I put on some Twitch in the background, TheGudDoctor playing Fall Guys, while I do some boring spreadsheets, but I ended up just watching the Twitch stream. Next thing I knew, it was 4pm and I still had jack shit done, so I muted the stream — still gotta support my boy as a viewer, of course. Now it’s 5:30 and I’ve watched an hour and a half of Fall Guys in complete silence. No spreadsheets finished. It’s the worst of both worlds.”

Coincidentally, due to a comment on stream, TheGudDoctor spent much of the time that Rowe had muted telling fans to not watch his stream if they need to be doing other things.

“Hey if you’re watching this stream instead of doing your day job, please close the tab right now!” said TheGudDoctor on his Fall Guys stream, despite Rowe not being able to hear the audio. “Sure, I may be grinding and hustling for crowns in Hex-A-Gone, but you need to be hustling and grinding for financial crowns to pay your rent. The gamer lifestyle does not begin and end in the world of video games — oh god FUCKING DAMN IT Fall Ball with an odd number!!”

At press time, Rowe managed to finish the spreadsheet while watching the stream with sound on, but sent the document to his boss without realizing he absentmindedly typed “thanks for the sub” in a cell, ruining a v-lookup.

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Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War Is First Game in Series to Feature Completely Destructible Economy

Posted on by Jordan Walkup

LOS ANGELES — As part of GamesCon 2020’s Opening Night Live event, Treyarch’s studio design director, David Vonderhaar, confirmed that Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War will be the first game in the series to feature a completely destructible economy.

 “Whether it’s investing money in military research that will inevitably serve no purpose, or giving tax breaks to those who need them the least, Cold War truly puts you behind the wheel of America’s financial infrastructure,” said Vonderhaar about the inspiration behind this exciting new feature. “As long as the direction you are driving it is off the fiscal cliff.”

Industry analysts claimed the change may be jarring to some longtime fans.

“CoD players are accustomed to wasting in-game money on silly things, like painting a penis on a wall with gunpowder,” said games journalist Mya Zhang. “It’s nothing compared to blowing billions on whatever the fuck Ronald Reagan was doing when he nearly doubled the deficit.”

 “Some people may be critical of an FPS that takes place during a time where there was no armed conflict,” said Austen Wills, self-proclaimed Call of Duty superfan, “but what many people aren’t considering is: Sure, maybe we weren’t shooting at the Russians like we wish we were, but when you think about it, America’s foreign policy since the Cold War has killed way more people than any nuke ever could. It’s really just knowing that you’re doing right by President Reagan with every bullet that plunges into foreign flesh that just gives you that thrill.”

 While this new direction for Treyarch may alienate some FPS fans, experts predict Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War will inevitably sell an absolutely incomprehensible number of copies just like every Call of Duty before it.

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Overwatered Houseplants Hoping Woman Goes Back to Work Soon

Posted on by Dom Turek

WILMINGTON, Del. — Local woman Kelly Cruz’s recent unemployment status has her overwatered houseplants praying she finds a job before she drowns them all, the drenched flora confirmed.

“COVID-19 layoffs can be a blessing in disguise,” said plant owner Cruz, dousing a golden barrel cactus with a drinking cup from her nightstand. “Without all this extra free time, I would’ve never discovered my green thumb. In pre-pandemic times, I was only watering these poor guys once every two weeks, but now that I’m home 24/7 they’ll never be thirsty again.”

Cruz’s plants, which mainly consist of succulents and cacti which only need need to be watered a few times a month and tend to thrive in arid, negligent spaces like doctors offices or someone’s dad’s house, noted they have yet to see their owner drink water once since she’s been home.

“I’m dying a slow death,” said a wilted snake plant from Cruz’s bathroom windowsill. “Between the humidity from her nightly depression baths and her twice-a-day watering regiment, I’m essentially being waterboarded, which I’m pretty sure signifies as cruel and unusual punishment. I’m not sure if plants are covered under the Geneva Convention, but I hope someone steps in before it’s too late. The least she could do is put me in a pot with a drainage hole.”

Overwatering has been a leading cause in plant deaths for decades, but experts warn the recent uptick could mean a regression back to the days of people buying mostly artificial plants by 2025.

“The death toll is unmanageable,” said Lewis Pittman, a leading horticulturist. “It feels like each day I see another unsalvageable English ivy or spider plant left out on the sidewalk with a ‘Free!’ sign taped to it — at least let it die with some dignity and give it a proper burial in a compost pile. Instead of overwatering, I suggest plant owners combat their crushing ennui with something less lethal, like latch hooking or online gambling.”

At press time, Cruz was converting a barely rinsed Windex bottle into a plant mister.

Metalhead Principal Sends Student Home for Wearing Inoffensive Band Shirt

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

CLEVELAND — Cleveland School of the Arts Principal and metalhead educator Ryan Donnavin sent home 7th grader Alex Ramirez yesterday for wearing a Metallica shirt deemed to be too inoffensive, multiple sources confirmed.

“It’s unacceptable,” said Donnavin, sporting a Pig Destroyer shirt featuring a demonic creature eating it’s own flesh. “He comes back to school from a long Covid break, and he’s wearing a Metallica shirt that just has the band’s name on it? You kidding me? In my school, if you want to wear a metal band T-shirt, there better be swears, or tits, or at least a skull — bare minimum, a logo you can’t read because the font is all fucked up.”

Ramirez admitted this was not the first time Donnavin asked him to change his shirt or go home.

“Principal Donnavin saw me wearing a plain AC/DC shirt last year, and he brought me into his office so he could show me more offensive designs I could buy,” said Ramirez. “He really wanted me to get this Cattle Decapitation shirt that read, ‘Forced Gender Reassignment,’ and he wrote me a note to give my parents that they should buy it for me.”

“No way I gave them that note!” he added. “I’m not going to ask my parents to buy me a shirt with dicks getting cut off on it!”

While many educators across America have been preoccupied with keeping their students and staff safe due to COVID-19, students say Donnavin’s biggest focus since returning has been metal T-shirt content.

“I straight up wanted to get sent home, so I wore my Integrity shirt with Charles Manson on the front the first day back at school,” said 9th grader Jake Simpson. “But Principal Donnavin asked me where he could get the same shirt… and when I told him, he made me student of the month! I was all worried about wearing my Cock and Ball Torture shirt to school, but now I think it might get me extra credit.”

At press time, Donnavin was busy pressuring the music department to alter their production of “Rock of Ages” to include songs of offensive grindcore legends Anal Cunt.

Enlightened Musician Assures Missing Capo Will Find You the Moment You Stop Looking

Posted on by Krissy Howard

GREENVILLE, Miss. — Enlightened musician and your friend Tocarra Yost assured you that you will eventually find the missing capo you’ve been searching for the moment you stop tearing your house apart looking for it.

“People are always spending so much time and energy worrying that they’ll never find the capos they’ve misplaced, and I understand, because I used to be just like them,” Yost stated. “But then one day, I realized that if I needed some piece of equipment to affect the pitch on my guitar, that I was never gonna be happy: I had to rely on the capo in me before I could use the one I bought from Guitar Center two years ago. The moment I did that, everything changed, and my capo appeared — right there on top of the refrigerator, under an old calendar from 2017 I got through a secret Santa thing at work.”

While Yost’s outlook sounds nice in theory, it is of absolutely no help to you at all in the present moment.

“Tocarra watched one guided meditation on YouTube while she was all fucked up after she had her wisdom teeth removed, and now she thinks of herself as some spiritual guru or something,” you explained. “I think it’s all bullshit, but if I told her that, she’d say something about the Law of Attraction that also doesn’t make any sense. And plus, it’s so easy for her — she has a real job, so she can have her choice of any capo she wants. I bet capos are knocking down her door just to get clipped to her Martin. No capos ever notice me.”

Misplaced items expert and local Guitar Center assistant manager Marky “Dio” Del Rio suggests taking a more aggressive approach when searching for capos.

“It’s not easy, and sometimes it seems like they don’t even wanna be found, so I always get straight to the point, right outta the gate,” Del Rio said. “I usually hit up all the hotspots first, like the nightstand, coffee table, or kitchen counter, before I move to less obvious places — your backs of toilet tanks, your underneath cars, and what have you. I’m not going home without a capo, so even if I have to swipe one off some other dude’s guitar… whatever, man. If I wanna play ‘Aqualung,’ I’m playing ‘Aqualung,’ pronto.”

At press time, your capo was still being used as a bookmark in a copy of War and Peace, and will likely never be seen again.

5 Gender Reveal Party Ideas That’ll Make You Say “Shit! Someone Call 911!”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

A gender reveal party is an excellent way to make it known that you are expecting newborn attention online. Look no further than the incredibly successful gender reveal wildfire that became the talk of the town for west coast 911 operators and subsequently the national media.

You might be thinking, “how do I get that sort of high-profile notoriety when it comes time to exploit my unborn baby for a bunch of Instagram likes?” We’ve got you covered. Here are five gender reveal party ideas that’ll make you so infamous your entire crew will be calling 911 faster than you can say, “gender is a social construct.”

Gender Reveal Stabbing
Find a vein that won’t gush so much blood that you’ll die. Just enough that you might briefly pass out. Maybe like a wrist. Get yourself a charming pink or blue knife from Etsy and when it’s time for the big reveal, start the ceremonial stabbing. Gently, obviously. After a short stint in the ER you’ll be well on your way to getting a prime slot on the local 6 o’clock news.

Gender Reveal Jaundis
A lot of people don’t know this but you can actually change the color of your skin just by severely damaging your liver! For a period of 8-11 weeks consume nothing but Gushers Mouth Mixers for a boy or Fireball Whiskey and Grenadine for a girl.

Gender Reveal Stomach Pump
Since your friends will be getting hammered to ease the pain of attending this charade, what better way to make the reveal than an alcohol-induced stomach pumping? Have everyone in your party unknowingly consume pink or blue food dye. Then flood their gullets with hard liquor. After getting your pumps on at the hospital, the doctors will gladly reveal the exact color that was extracted from your stomach. Is that breaking news or what?

Gender Reveal Wild Animal Mauling
Getting your hands on a dangerous animal is surprisingly easy. Just find the nearest Tiger King-esque creep in town and borrow their grizzly bear for the afternoon. Believe me, they’ll have one. Dress up your bear in an adorbs blue or pink garment and release it unexpectedly at your party. Keep in mind that only five people a year actually die from bear attacks in the US, so you should be A-OK. Sure, someone will get dinged up enough to call 911, but it’s a small price to pay for potentially landing the cover story on the New York Post.

Gender Reveal Arson
That wildfire gender reveal was such a game changer in the party planning industry. But why stop at colored smoke? By applying the right chemicals to all of the trees within a half mile radius you can actually change the color of the flames! That way even people who didn’t see the initial blast will know it’s a boy as they flee their home in terror.

Trump Appoints Spin Doctors to COVID-19 Task Force

Posted on by John Merrifield

BEDMINSTER, N.J. — President Trump has appointed the once-popular 90s alt-rock band Spin Doctors to lead the country’s coronavirus task force, during an impromptu press conference from the 9th hole of the Trump National Golf Club earlier today.

“They’re called Spin Doctors — amazing band. Very catchy, very smart. It was an easy call. Piece of cake. And they have ‘doctor’ in the name, so, you know, that’s really impressive. It takes years to become a doctor,” said President Trump. “And, let me tell you, they had a tremendous hit. Huge song. I believe it was the late 80s, early 90s, maybe even the 2000s. Somewhere within that period of time. The one about the two apprentices kneeling. Not too many people can say they made such a brilliant song, believe me.”

Former task force head Dr. Anthony Fauci immediately expressed concern.

“I was not consulted in this appointment — if I had been, I would’ve suggested the Offspring. At least their lead singer has a Ph.D. in molecular biology,” said Fauci, referencing Offspring frontman Dexter Holland. “Certainly not my first choice, but at least he didn’t pick The Cure. Those meetings are depressing enough already.”

For their part, the New York nostalgia rockers were pleasantly surprised, and admitted they’re eager to “raise a princely racket” and help solve the coronavirus crisis.

“Your majesties, we are humbled by this opportunity to help the government bring an end to this pandemic so we can get back on the road playing our hit for you,” said Chief Spin Doctor Chris Barron. “While we understand that we are not actual physicians, we feel it is simply not our place to reveal that information to the President. We remain confident Mr. Trump will realize his mistake in time. Until then, we will attend all task force meetings where we will do everything in our power to shoot spitballs into the cracks of Vice President Pence’s mask.”

President Trump has not yet given a reason for passing over other equally-qualified candidates, such as Dr. Dre, Placebo, Old Crow Medicine Show, or The Who.

Loser Spends Three Years Earning Master’s Degree When He Could’ve Been Writing a Sick D&D Campaign

Posted on by John Dixon

RALEIGH, N.C. — A local graduate’s Masters of Fine Arts degree was tainted by the realization the past three years could have been spent crafting an incredible D&D campaign. 

“Oh god, oh fuck I’ve wasted so much time and money on this degree and for what, to increase my prospects?” said recent graduate Alex Bales, still dressed in his graduation robes and clutching his diploma. “I didn’t enjoy even a single second of this bullshit coursework and I could have been having the time of my life building a meticulously detailed fantasy world for my friends to wreak havoc in.”

He added, “Now instead of those incredible memories all I have is a huge amount of debt and three extra letters after my name.”

Beth Simard, a fellow recent graduate, weighed in on Bales’ sudden existential crisis. 

“I think Alex really made the right call furthering his education instead of spending the last three years planning and playing some stupid game,” Simard said. “I mean, sure, all the stress of his coursework gave him an ulcer, he seemed to hate defending his thesis, and any campaign that took three years to plan would have undoubtedly been so incredible that people would speak of it in awed whispers for years to come but hey, at least now he can, uh, be a teaching assistant?”

Dr. Erin Tippett, Bales’ academic advisor, understood her student’s plight. 

“I very much feel sorry for Alex because I have been where he is before; I only got my PhD because I wanted to be able to create richer, more detailed campaigns for me and my friends,” Tippett said. “But now I’m teaching and grading stuff all the time and I don’t even have time to use this stupid degree for what I wanted to in the first place.”

She added, “I just hate to see someone going down the same path. But hey, at least writing a lesson plan is sort of like writing a really dry, boring campaign.”

At press time, Bales was hurtling farther down a depressive spiral as he met up with a friend who was now wildly wealthy thanks to the Patreon for a podcast based on a D&D campaign he spent the past three years developing.

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Dad Getting Tired of Cleaning Rupees Out of Lawnmower

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BEAVERCREEK, Ohio — Local father Stu Campbell is reportedly fed up with having to clean hundreds of rupees out of his lawnmower every time he cuts his grass.

“It was a nice surprise at first, like finding a $20 bill on the ground,” said a frustrated Campbell. “But then the mower just stopped working. Now I have to shut it down every five minutes and unlodge a bunch of green crystals from the blades. Who’s hiding all these things in my grass anyways?”

Neighbors became concerned when they overheard Campbell cursing alone in his yard. They later found out that the commotion happened after he stepped on one of several stray arrows buried under the grass.

“I don’t get how all that stuff ended up in there,” said neighbor Terry Wintour. “His yard is so full of junk, it’s like taking care of a minefield. Actually, it literally is a minefield. There are bombs everywhere.”

The deluge of secret items hidden in his yard has driven Campbell to the brink of insanity. His breaking point came when he accidentally ran over a large rock with his lawnmower, cracking it open and revealing a human heart hidden inside.

“I don’t know what to do, he’s gone crazy,” said Stu’s husband Andre Campbell. “One day, he came into the house after working outside and started shattering every pot we owned to prove his point. When he saw that nothing was inside of them, he got mad and yelled about how of course he can never find items when he actually needs them.” 

In order to solve the problem once and for all, Campbell spent an entire Saturday afternoon removing every single patch of grass from his lawn. Unfortunately, it all regrew within an hour.

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