Police Officer Shoots Toddler Who Got His Nose

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

CHICAGO — Chicago Police Sgt. Connor Ring is on paid administrative leave after he shot a toddler in the face for “getting his nose” at a child’s birthday party this past weekend.

“Let’s just call it what it is. Sgt. Ring acted in self-defense,” said Chicago Police Superintendent David Brown. “You might call it ‘getting his nose,’ but to me, and to the uniformed officers of the Chicago P.D., what that child did was attempt to assault Sgt. Ring, who took measures to prevent the situation from escalating further. We only have seconds to assess whether someone is a real threat, and I believe that in the case of this baby, Ring made the right decision.”

“Ring has a stellar track record of de-escalating difficult situations such as this one,” Brown added. “Last month he properly restrained a little league umpire after Ring’s son struck out, only breaking three of the umpire’s ribs. Clearly he understands when too far is too far.”

The slain toddler’s mother, Jamie Torres, does not share the Chicago P.D.’s position.

“Sgt. Ring stands over six feet tall, and he deemed my three year old a threat. He’s had object permanence for far longer than my child,” said Torres. “Because he couldn’t understand my son hadn’t really taken his nose, he screamed at him to ‘drop the nose’ and ‘put his hands where he can see them’ before he opened fire two seconds later.”

In the aftermath of the shooting, Chicago residents are divided over the P.D.’s actions.

“We’ve taken the Blue Lives Matter flag off of our porch,” said local dad and birthday party host Tim Jacobiski. “I know our officers have the hardest job in the world, but the kid hadn’t even learned to read yet. How was he supposed to know what to expect from an officer of the law? What Ring did was shameful. We will not be inviting him to any more functions at our house… for the next couple of months, at least.”

So far, Ring has received $37,500 and counting from a GoFundMe aimed at covering his legal fees.

Opinion: Come Over Here and Say That Shit

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

What did you just say to me? Why don’t you come over here and say that shit, mother fucker?! Yeah, I didn’t think you, so little bitch. I’m not afraid of you and your south mouth. I’ll wipe that fuckin’ smirk off your face. If you were literally five feet closer to me, I would end you. You are lucky my lady is right here or I would fuck you up. Yeah, not so mouthy now, are you?

Make your move, I dare you! I heard you talking shit about me, come say it to my face. This bar is quite noisy and perhaps I am an unreliable witness only hearing what I wanted to hear. So, step up and repeat yourself and make sure to enunciate before I drop you like a bag of dirt. Yeah, you ain’t coming over here. In fact, you are like Aristotle’s arrow, neither moving to where it is, nor to where it is not. Pussy ass bitch.

According to Zeno’s, you walk toward me half the distance at a time, you will never actually reach me. That Greek philosopher just saved your bitch ass. If it weren’t for that paradox, you would be bloody on the floor right now. Since you haven’t walked over here yet, you have been both knocked out and walked away like a little girl at the same time. You’re Schrodinger’s Bitch.

If we look at the distance between us in context of the distance from the Earth to the Sun we are basically already on top of one another but if it is measured in the distance between atoms we couldn’t be further from each other. In fact, you might not even be here, mother fucker. If you subscribe to the Solipsism school, which luck for your ass I do, I can only be sure that I exist.

I think, therefore I am… and I think you said some shit that is going to get you beat down.

Drummer Insists on Holding Entire Kit for Band Photo

Posted on by Tom Peters

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Drummer Aaron Kelmer delayed the photo shoot for his band Baskerville today by insisting on posing alongside bandmates while holding his entire drum kit, impatient witnesses at the scene confirmed.

“Why should I just hold my sticks?” said Kelmer while struggling to maintain his grip on the precariously stacked armful of drums, cymbals, and hardware. “By that logic, the guitarists should just hold their picks, and our singer should have a rolled up mic cord. Everybody else is posing with their instruments, and I’m not about to be left out. And I’m not talking about setting up a single snare in front of me; this isn’t fucking ‘Drumline.’ I’ve got a lot of quality pieces to show off. You think I bought these Vistalites for how they sound? Get real.”

Kelmer’s bandmates were disappointed, but not surprised.

“Honestly, it’s been the same mentality at practice,” said guitarist Warren Harris. “He has to touch each piece of his drum set at least once during every song. It’s like, no dude, you don’t have to incorporate the China cymbal into our whole set just to get your money’s worth. Every sound is a voice that colors a song with its own distinct personality. That’s why I just leave my whole pedal board on all the time.”

Others pointed out that competitive showmanship is common within a band dynamic.

“This actually happens a lot,” said professional event photographer Corrin Penarth. “Band dudes are worse than bridesmaids in terms of trying to outdo each other. I’ve tried suggesting other ways for [Kelmer] to signify that he plays drums — like holding up fingers to show that he’s counting to four, or taking his shirt off and sitting next to a giant fan — but nothing worked. I don’t even understand why bands want to pose with their gear in pictures. What story are we trying to tell? That the van broke down and you all decided to get out and jam in this cornfield? Just get a cool logo.”

At press time, the photo session was further delayed as band members left to retrieve their amp stacks.

Photo by Cory Cousins.

Nintendo Direct Leaves Gamer Excited About 14 Games He Won’t Buy When They Come Out

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TUCSON, Ariz. —  A recent installment of Nintendo’s Direct series of videos showcasing upcoming software coming to their platform has one gamer particularly elated about the impending release of more than a dozen games that he will not buy once they hit the marketplace.

“Wow, did you see all that? What a great year for gaming this is,” said Zack Duran, who has not purchased a new game for his Switch since this April. “It’s overwhelming, like I don’t know what I’m more excited for, that remake of a game I never played as a kid, or that one where you go to an island and do stuff!”

Duran, who has 200 hours logged in Skyrim and is nearing the completion of his third playthrough of Stardew Valley, reportedly tracked down most of the titles previewed in the Direct and added them to his eShop wishlist, expanding the number of titles to over 300. 

“I don’t know why he does this,” said Erin Duran, Zack’s wife. “Five or six times a year he gets all excited and starts shouting about some port or roguelike and saying ‘No fucking way,’ while feverishly typing to his buddies in Discord. But then, he just plays the same shit over and over, oftentimes while loudly complaining about it. Does my husband like these video games? It’s getting harder to tell.” 

Duran’s proclivity for getting excited about games he will not purchase is falling exactly in line with what many allege are Nintendo’s strategies towards this generation of gaming. 

“Let’s face it, the Switch is not competing with the more powerful home consoles, and it isn’t trying to,” said Mai Lowry, a games journalist. “What Nintendo has opted for instead is a massive catalog of indie hits, revived favorites, and exciting first person titles that a lot of gamers are very excited to get around to playing, one day, maybe!” 

As of press time, Duran had grown livid over the Direct’s surprise reveal of Funky Kong coming to Smash Bros., despite not owning the game.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Amazon’s Luna Threatens to Put Final Nail in Mom and Pop Cloud Based Gaming Services

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAND LAKE, Mich. — Amazon surprised the world today with its announcement of Luna, the cloud based gaming service expected to be the final blow to mom and pop cloud based gaming services all over the country. 

“Not sure we can compete with these big corporate streaming services,” said Doug Mortimer, who’s a second generation business owner in the village of Sand Lake. “My daddy started the first internet cafe in the county twenty years ago. To this day his hands are stained from printer ink. Since I inherited the business I took us online, offering a handful of games people in the community could stream if they wanted too. Nothing too fancy, but I think it was an honest day’s gaming for a man and his family. Not sure how long I can compete though, I’m afraid.” 

Mortimer fears that his small business, ‘Mortimer’s Cloud Gaming & Pest Control,’ will soon have to drop the gaming based part of his business altogether, as local users of Mortimer’s streaming service have begrudgingly admitted they’re likely to change services once the Luna becomes available. 

“A year or two ago I didn’t mind giving Doug 20 bucks a month so that I could remote connect to his hard drive and play his PC games when I felt like it,” said George Eastwood, a neighbor of Mortimer’s. “But if Amazon is gonna undercut Doug, offer a ton more games, and let me use any old Bluetooth controller I have laying around? I just can’t afford not to switch. Sorry, Doug. At least he’s still got his pest control business.” 

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has denied that his company’s entry into the gaming world will put independent streaming services at an unfair disadvantage. 

“If these companies were able to survive the absolute juggernaut that Stadia was when it launched last year, then why can’t they survive the Luna?” he said, of Google’s wildly successful streaming service that took the video game world by storm 10 months ago. “And frankly, we think there’s enough demand for confusing streaming services that pose no palpable advantage to consoles or PC’s that there’s room for all of us to succeed.” 

As of press time, Amazon has announced that its drivers will soon begin offering pest control services.

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Psychologists Warn 1 in 10 Crewmates Could Develop Impostor Syndrome

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Researchers at Columbia University have published a paper which warns that roughly 10% of all spaceship crewmates could develop impostor syndrome.

“It’s a very unfortunate thing. About one tenth of crewmates on any given spaceship fears that they don’t deserve their position — that they’re a talentless fraud and will be discovered sooner than later. The even more unfortunate thing is that they’re right and they’re actually a murderous alien,” said head psychologist Dr. Maria Robertson. “Signs of impostor syndrome among crewmates include not being able to complete simple tasks, utilizing vents instead of just walking to destinations, and murdering other crewmates. These people sadly have impostor syndrome because they are indeed impostors. And if the crewmates work together to solve that, they will murder that impostor.”

Upon hearing the news, various crewmates confirmed that they have experienced impostor syndrome while murdering others.

“I’m constantly afraid that someone’s gonna figure out that I’m not actually good enough to be a crewmate,” said a small blue man who wished to remain anonymous. “That’s why when I’m feeling a tinge of impostor syndrome, I just put it on someone else. There’s nothing like shifting blame onto another person to make you feel better about your position in the workplace!

At press time, the research team was not available to comment when it was revealed that one of the psychologists was actually an alien and murdered all of the others.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

DVD Sales of ‘American History X’ Increase 750% Amid Xbox Series X Preorders

Posted on by Andy Holt

SEATTLE — The controversial 1998 crime film American History X experienced a 750% increase in DVD sales this week, as thousands of customers mistook it for Microsoft’s Xbox Series X video game console.

“I thought I had the right one, you know, with the X on it,” said local gamer Cassie Banks. “I didn’t realize my mistake until I got to the part where the Nazi guy was curb stomping a dude to death. I get that it’s supposed to be an unflinching look at racism in America, but at that point, I felt like it was fetishizing hatred to the point of glorifying it. That’s when I realized that I hadn’t bought a video game console at all, but rather a DVD of an old movie with Ed Norton in it.”

Online retailers apologized and promised full refunds for customers who had been duped.

“The confusion was understandable,” said a spokesperson for Amazon. “Lots of these people are parents just trying to buy an Xbox for their kids. They could easily get one of the words mixed up, navigate to the used items section, pay for overnight shipping, and end up watching a film that, while bold, ultimately falls short. Please accept our apologies.”

In addition to a refund for the cost of the film, several customers demanded restitution for having to watch the dad from Boy Meets World say a racial slur.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

We Look Back at Explosions in the Sky’s Best Toyota Commercials

Posted on by Josh Levinson

Throughout Explosion in the Sky’s fantastic commercial-ography, the Texas post-rock band has provided the soundtrack to some of the most stunning overhead views of Toyota automobiles.

Today, we look back at the very best of these commercials. Join us as we go off-roading in the mountains of corporate and artistic synergy.

5. Toyota Rav4

The gentle beginnings of EITS’ “First Breath from a Coma” are the perfect introduction to Toyota’s crossover SUV, the RAV4. The dueling guitars perfectly encapsulate the RAV4’s Direct Shift 8-Speed Electronically Controlled Automatic Transmission, as well as optional All-Wheel Drive.

4. Toyota Prius Prime

Explosions in the Sky’s “Postcard From 1952” is an excellent backdrop to introduce you to the affordable, gas-saving Toyota Prius Prime. As the drums kick in, you’ll always think of the Prius’ amazing 54 mpg, and as the song reaches its climax, you’ll know the Prius is available in seven briliant colors, including Supersonic Red.

3. Toyota Camry Hybrid

Explosions in the Sky’s “Remember Me As a Time of Day”” is the perfect match for the award-winning Toyota Camry. The sweeping majesty of Explosions in the Sky perfectly matched the Camry ripping up and down the countryside even though you’ve certainly never driven it anywhere that majestic. The emotionality of the song will give you hope that you can secure financing for a Blue Streak Metallic Camry, available at local Toyota dealerships now.

2. Toyota Tacoma

The rugged, 4-wheel drive Toyota Tacoma will get you out of any jam, including Explosion in the Sky’s “So Long, So Lonesome.” The piano work, atypical of EITS later work, perfectly complements the machined alloy wheels of the Tacoma’s powerful V6 engine and towing capability. Visit Toyota.com today to learn more.

1. Toyota Corolla

The one you’ve been waiting for. The classic Corolla driving across the countryside as Explosions in the Sky’s “Your Hand in Mine” gently plays in the background. What better way to celebrate all of our interconnectedness than to get 2020’s “Green Car of the Year”? This is the song that gets people into Toyota Corollas.

Punk with Health Insurance Really Overdoing It on the Stick-and-Pokes Lately

Posted on by James Knapp

ATHENS, Ga. — Punk and new health insurance policy holder Nolan Nowickski is reportedly “going a bit overboard” with the amount of stick-and-poke tattoos he’s inking on himself, disgusted yet impressed sources confirmed.

“I really love stick-and-pokes — they just feel so much more personal than having a tattoo done by a professional artist with tons of working experience and sanitary equipment,” said Nowickski while filling in a poorly stenciled Crass logo on his chest. “Sure, you run a higher risk of deadly blood infections, but now that I’m on my parents’ Gold Plan, I don’t have to worry about that. It’ll be well worth the emergency room copay once I finish this sick stick-and-poke on my neck of a bald eagle sucking its own dick.”

Close friend Liz Comers is concerned about both the quantity and quality of Nowickski’s new tattoos.

“It’s really great to see [Nowickski] is enthusiastic about something, and I really want to be supportive of his art… but health insurance or no, this all just seems reckless,” said Comers. “He ended up in the hospital for weeks last year when he got septicemia from that hourglass stick-and-poke he did on the bottom of his foot. I guess it’s kind of ironic, because the way he’s going, I don’t think he actually has much time left.”

Derrick Clark, a representative of health insurer Pale Green Cross, Inc., explained the company’s policy regarding stick-and-poke related insurance coverage.

“Our mission at PGC is to enable our policyholders to live their lives free of worry, which includes if they want to get a portrait of Ted Danson’s face carved into their asscheek with a heated ballpoint pen,” Clark explained. “Our official policy on stick-and-pokes is very generous, but not without its limitations — for instance, injuries related to Old Crow Medicine Show tattoos are only covered under our Executive Dumpster plan, and costs are only reimbursed if it can be proven it was done in order to get laid in a county fair portable toilet.”

At press time, Nowickski was attempting to shakily sketch an ACAB tattoo on his knuckles while in intensive care for the previously non-existent Hepatitis Q.

Help! Bono Won’t Give My Firstborn Back Unless I Guess His Real Name

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Uh-oh! Part-time U2 frontman and full-time mischievous goblin-creature Bono has kidnapped my firstborn son! The only way to get him back is to guess Bono’s real name. I knew I shouldn’t have asked him to turn all that straw into gold-framed sunglasses!

I only have three guesses left, and if I don’t guess correctly then my son will be turned into a 2014 iPhone 6 preloaded with U2’s “Songs of Innocence” forever! I had four guesses initially but used the first one to ask if his name was “Bono.” It was worth a try.

The only possible names I’ve come up with so far are “Bongo,” “Bimbo,” “Bungo,” “Berry,” and “The Edge.” I googled that last one and apparently someone else in U2 already has that name. What in the flying fuck is wrong with that band?

At one point I just straight up asked Bono what his real name was, since it technically wasn’t against the rules. He thought about it for a few moments but then turned to me and said “fuck you dude, that’s not how it works.” What a prick!!!

2020 has been a hard year, but it’s important for the world to come together and help me on this. Quarantine has already forced everyone to do nothing but eat chips and watch TV for eight hours a day, so why not spend one of those hours helping me brainstorm what Bono’s name could be?

If not for me, then do it for my sweet boy. He has so much to live for. Plus I fucking hate iPhones.

Wikipedia says Bono’s real name is Paul Hewson, but I’m not buying it. “Paul Hewson” sounds like the name of a white Japanese history professor or a 1980s softcore porn foley artist. I knew for sure it was bogus when I overhead Bono chanting “my real name is Paul Hewson” while dancing around a campfire. Yeah, not falling for that one.

Any and all help is appreciated. This whole situation is eerily similar to a fairy tale I heard back in elementary school. Can’t remember what it was called… something about a wrinkled foreskin?