Conversation With White Relatives About Systematic Racism Needs More Dialogue Options

Posted on by Rachel Clayton

SARASOTA, Fla. — Local college student Sara Withers complained about a lack of good dialogue options when speaking to her parents about the continued oppression of racial minorities in America.

“I start out with ‘the Founding Fathers were white supremacists’ or ‘America’s schools are still segregated,’ assuming those statements would be the beginning of a full dialogue tree,” said Withers after a Zoom call with her family. “But no matter what I say, they always answer with the same canned line about gun violence in Chicago. It’s so unnatural. Totally breaks the immersion.”

In addition to the limited responses, Withers also complained of moments when the conversation would “glitch out” and end up on a different topic completely.

“My parents were mad about NFL players protesting, saying it was disrespecting the troops,” said Withers. “I tried to tell them about police brutality, but then something weird happened, and all of a sudden they were talking about how America wasn’t the only country that ever had slaves. What kind of person would say something like that? Shit is totally broken.”

After waiting several years for a patch, Withers eventually gave up and started trying to pave over the issue with mental roleplaying.

“Usually if a video game character has shitty dialogue, I come up with a headcanon where they’re really a space alien in disguise or something,” said Withers. “In the case of my parents, I imagine that they’re good people who just don’t know any better. It’s a little fantastical, but it’s better than having to confront that I was raised by deeply racist people who stay ignorant on purpose.”

When reached for comment for this article, parents Phil and Jane Withers immediately turned hostile, permanently locking all further dialogue options, whatever they might have been.

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Podcaster Undergoes Risky Surgery to be Able to Naturally Speak at 1.5x Speed

Posted on by John Dixon

SANDY, Utah — Local podcast host James Brandt recently underwent a risky surgery to speed up his voice to 1.5x its speed in an attempt to gain an edge over his competition. 

“The thought behind the procedure is a simple one,” Brandt said, at one and a half times the speed of normal speech. “A lot of people already listen to their podcasts at 1.5x speed, so if I can go ahead and speed things up for them, that will draw them to my show, ‘Stuff You Wish You Could Forget.’ The procedure itself was designed to make my vocal cords vibrate faster to make 1.5x speed my normal speed, so I can maintain consistency and pace even during grueling multi hour recording sessions.”

Mick Ghortner, Brandt’s creative collaborator and frequent guest, was less optimistic about the impact Brandt’s enhanced elocution would have on recording and listenership. 

“Do you have any idea how fucking unsettling it’s going to be to listen to a normal voice try to converse and keep up with someone talking at 1.5x speed at all times?” Ghortner asked. “And it’s even worse in person; it’s just fast enough to be eerie but not quite fast enough to be obviously fake.”

“Not to mention if a listener tried to speed up the show to make up for the disparity, they’d just be faced with a 1.5x voice trying to keep up with one going like four and a half times faster than normal,” he added.

Dr. Julius Macleod, the surgeon who performed the procedure on Brandt, views the podcaster as the vanguard of a new wave in the industry. 

“Maybe some people would find it unethical to stretch and tighten a man’s vocal cords so he can speak faster for his biweekly internet radio show,” he said. “But I believe the paradigm shift this will bring about will represent a net gain for society. Think of how much more free time we will all have to do something other than listen to podcasts when this procedure becomes industry standard.”

At press time, Brandt was proving Macleod’s thesis by using his newfound speed and free time between recordings to branch out, accepting an invitation to become the new Micro Machines Man.

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Podcast’s First Episode Oscillates Between Being Inaudible, Blowing Ears Out

Posted on by John Danek

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — A new podcast by an Indiana University-Bloomington sophomore created to discuss emerging math rock bands abruptly switches between being so quiet as to be hardly audible and punishingly loud, frustrated listeners report.

“I hope to shine a light on the most exciting underground bands coming out of Asia, the U.S., and elsewhere, but I’ve only received 1-star reviews on iTunes,” said “Triple Integral Pod” host Marie Spitz, whose own math rock band Buttsack is scheduled to play the student union later this month. “I don’t know… maybe there was something wrong with the audio file? But I can’t check — anytime I hear my own voice, I literally vomit. Every single time. Pure bile.”

Strangely, the “Triple Integral Pod” producer seemed oblivious to any potential audio issues with the pilot episode of the new show.

“YEAH, I’VE PLAYED IN AND PRODUCED VARIOUS POWERVIOLENCE AND BLACK METAL BANDS THROUGHOUT ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL, SO PRODUCING AND MIXING A PODCAST IS ACTUALLY MUCH SIMPLER,” shouted Willie Duran, who has an ominous “Earplugs Are for Pussies” tattoo on his forearm. “TO BE HONEST, I CAN’T HEAR ALL THAT WELL, BUT I HAVE SOME SWEET MASTERING PLUGIN PRESETS LOADED ON ALL THEIR VOICES, SO THIS SHOW SHOULD SOUND PRO QUALITY. WHAT? DID YOU ASK ANOTHER QUESTION?”

Ear, nose, and throat doctors are noticing an alarming rise in appointments to alleviate symptoms from varying podcast volume extremes.

“Usually, new podcast hosts have no idea how to configure a microphone, so the listener has to crank the volume on their end. But a few minutes in, some awful punk theme song comes in at full volume, and ear damage is done before the victim can reduce the volume again,” explained otolaryngologist Dr. Ann Ulrich. “The tragedy is that most of these podcasts are abandoned after three episodes anyways, but the damage is irreversible. Please, for the health of the people, don’t start a podcast.”

In an effort to grow the “Triple Integral Pod” community and hopefully boost reviews, Spitz has created a private Facebook group for listeners, which currently only consists of Spitz and her Aunt Beverly, who is currently banned from posting after sharing the most racist memes ever seen on the internet.

“A Week Tonight” Replaces “Last Week Tonight” as Quarantined John Oliver Loses Grip on Time

Posted on by Daniel Menegaz

NEW YORK — HBO replaced its popular late night talk-show “Last Week Tonight” with “A Week Tonight” following a deterioration of host John Oliver’s ability to grasp the concept of time while in quarantine, sources reported Thursday, or possibly Friday, nobody can confirm.

“Early in quarantine, John would be late to online meetings or ask what day of the week it was. But around June, the whole writers room could tell he was really slipping,” said executive producer Tim Carvell. “He started asking when Jon Stewart was going to return from filming ‘Rosewater,’ like he was still subbing on ‘The Daily Show.’ But that was seven years ago.”

While the content of the temporally stranded British comedian’s show has seen a shift towards the incomprehensible, its format has remained largely unchanged.

“Welcome, welcome, welcome to ‘Last Week Tonight.’ I’m your host, John Oliver. Thank you so much for joining us in this blank white void, which I have been trapped in for approximately… three years, eight months, and 21 days,” said Oliver, scratching his 995th tally mark into the canvas backdrop behind him with the sharpened end of a wooden spoon. “Let’s jump straight into our main story this week: the ongoing religious violence sweeping across Europe in the wake of Prague’s 3rd defenestration since 1419, barely 200 years ago. To commemorate that, this episode’s big fun ending thing is, I will jump out a window. Who said that? What year is it?”

However, an HBO spokesperson noted Oliver’s ratings have remained steady since the mental breakdown/format retooling.

“We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: HBO does not give two fucks what John Oliver does, as long as his show keeps raking in truckloads of Emmys. He could spend 28 minutes defending the photorealistic ‘Lion King’ remake, and Democratic Twitter would elevate that sack of shit to cult classic status. So what if he wants to rage against Maximilien Robespierre or recap the 1875 Whiskey Ring Scandal as if it just happened yesterday or whatever?”

Tentative plans for a new show in which Oliver recounts future events, titled “Next Week Tonight,” have stalled after Oliver was found nearly drowned in a DIY precognition bath of cow’s milk and cornstarch.

U.S. Military Considers Dropping Gender Reveal Bombs in Middle East

Posted on by Jay Shingle

WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense began compiling a report this week aimed at assessing the viability of gender reveal “bombs” as effective weapons in ongoing U.S. military efforts in the Middle East.

“I was astounded to see the impact made by a simple gender reveal device,” said Lennox Coby, a National Defense Strategy analyst with the Department. “In just two days, the reveal managed to destroy nearly 9,000 acres with only 7% containment. These kinds of numbers are unheard of from such a simple gadget on our battlefields abroad, so it’s definitely something to look into. Plus, they come in pink and blue, which is super fun.”

The couple identified as detonating the device and triggering the fire, Helen & James Gwendoline, initially figured they would forever live in regret for the destruction they caused, but are embracing what they see as a “bright side.”

“While we are very ashamed of the fire we caused here at home, we choose to find the silver lining in this,” Helen Gwendoline stated. “We’re very pleased that our gender reveal bomb is being considered by our armed forces; we are blindly supportive of our military and want to help the U.S. do whatever it does abroad. James and I hope that the courts will show us some mercy since we pioneered a new technique, and come from extremely white families on both sides.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, many are baffled and even enraged by the Department’s move.

“To think that this gender reveal fiasco is anything but a travesty is insane to me,” said anti-war activist Paula Robi, as she stapled flyers calling for an end to gender reveal parties to telephone poles. “It’s 2020 — we should be over the gender binary by now, and our military, if it’s going to exist, should also reflect that sentiment with gender neutral weaponry.”

The Department’s program will include the testing of these devices for potential impact, as well as allow soldiers who are expecting babies to detonate the devices themselves, giving them the opportunity to do gender reveals far from home without any responsibility for the consequences.

Opinion: Yes I’m High, but That’s Not Why I’m Naked and Sweating

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

It would indeed be astute of you to point out that I am naked, sweaty, and on drugs. However, I can assure you that these facts are most definitely not connected.

Why am I naked? Well, earlier in the day, I thought I saw Gary Busey at Corgi Beach Day, so I ran towards him. I’m a huge Point Break fan and he’s the only one in that movie whose autograph I don’t have yet. Anyway turns out it wasn’t Gary Busey, just a guy who looks a lot like Gary Busey and is sick and tired of hearing about it, apparently.

The false Busey started screaming at me saying that I was a disgrace to the spirit of Corgi Beach Day. All the yelling must have upset the corgis because a pack of about twelve of them started chasing me down the beach. I started to get a fairly good lead on them but they were pretty quick to catch up with me.

Did you know that a pack of Corgis is called a Rowdy? I know that because I was almost killed by a Rowdy. How cute is that?

One of the corgis latched on to my pant leg. That would be bad enough but one of the other dogs bit on to that first dog’s tail. All of the dogs did this and created a sort of dog chain. Then with the force of twelve corgis, those little pups worked together to yank the pants clean off my legs.

The only thing I managed to wrestle out of my pockets before the Corgis devoured them was all of my drugs. I consumed them immediately because I no longer had pockets to keep them in. It’s not a crime to be on drugs, right?

Oh the underwear? Well, previous to the incident, I was eating jello and someone asked me to help pick up their corgi’s massive poo. I didn’t want to throw the jello away, so I put the jello cup in my pocket. Well, I guess by the time the corgis latched onto my pants, the jello had leaked and formed a sort of sugary glue, acting as a bond between my pants and my thong. So when the dogs tugged, the underwear went with the pants right away.

The shirt was removed because I didn’t want to be Donald Ducking it. In for a penny in for a pound as they say.

Anyway, I’m stumbling down the boardwalk naked and sort of high when who do I see but my ex! The one who left me at the alter mind you! This is when the anxiety started to be coupled with anger. Large beads of sweat started to frame my entire body like shimmering Swarovski crystals. I was absolutely floored by this encounter. The anxiety started at my feet and went up to the top of my head like an old-timey thermometer.

My body suddenly surged with adrenalin so that I could either fight or take flight, but for some reason, I used it to shit myself and cry right in front of her.

Anyway, she got me an uber home and I grabbed a shower and now I’m jogging naked to blow off steam. Can I go now?

Guy You Ordered Record From Four Years Ago Blaming USPS Slowdown for Late Shipment

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local distro owner Andy Klein assured you today that the Pelican “Australasia” record on limited edition orange vinyl you ordered from him four years ago is in the mail and most likely delayed because of President Trump’s recent cuts to the postal service.

“Man, what a headache. As soon as I got the payment cleared I packed that thing up and marched it right down to the post office, probably,” said Klein. “I figured the record made it safely based on all the mentions and DM’s popping up on my socials, but clearly something went wrong. Fucking Trump, man — what a dick. Maybe all the mail-in ballots are fucking things up. I’d say maybe give it another 18-24 months before you email me again.”

Klein continued to give you the runaround despite your repeated check-ins.

“After three months I figured I should check in with the guy to see what’s up, and he told me he was going through a rough patch because his dog just died in a boating accident. Six months later, I checked again, and this time he said his dog got attacked by a cougar. I felt bad at first, but now I think he was feeding me a bunch of bullshit,” you said while staring at an empty turntable. “A few months back I asked if he could just refund me the money, and he claimed that since we don’t live in the same state it’d be illegal to transfer the money back to me, and that I just need to be patient. Now he’s blaming Louis DeJoy for a record I ordered before COVID-19 existed.”

Online sales experts say a lot of shady retailers are using the current USPS climate to rip off customers.

“Motherfucking pieces of shit. I ordered a ceramic jewelry dish off of Etsy last summer, and I just got an update, reading, ‘Due to the current limits on the postal service, all our orders are expected to be delivered by 2032,’” said consumer advocate Madi Willette. “The seller lives 90 minutes away from me. I swear I’m going to drive to their fucking house and smash every window I see until I get this fucking dish. My bracelets aren’t going to store themselves.”

At press time, Klein informed all past customers in a mass email that he would be forgoing all shipments in order to protest police violence.

Grandma Playing Super Mario 64 Can’t Get Past Part Where You Endlessly Pull Mario’s Cute Little Cheeks

Posted on by Peter Casciato

PEEKSKILL, N.Y. — Local grandma Meredith Blum has been stuck for two days on the opening screen of Super Mario 64, reportedly unable to complete the part where she can pull on Mario’s adorable, puffy cheeks.

“My gosh, isn’t he just scrumptious?” said Blum, entering her fourth straight hour of the opening screen. “I’m starting to understand why my grandkids spend all day on this thing. Video games are a blast! Golly I could just eat him all up.”

Despite the large blinking letters in the left hand corner saying “Press +,” Blum seemed unable to actually start the game, instead staring transfixed. 

“I don’t know if violent video games lead to real world violence,” Blum continued, “but this virtual cheek pulling will definitely lead to some real life action!”

Blum’s grandson, Jacob Haynes, said that he purchased the game for his grandma in the hopes that it would give her something to do. If she was occupied, he reasoned, he would have to visit less often. 

“Look I love my grandma, but I’m not sure how many more visits my cheeks can take. Once she gets her claws into you, it’s over.” Haynes explained. “I guess I’m happy that she’s having fun, but it’s a limited edition game, so I thought she’d at least play it. You see a lot of those gaming grandmas online — I think one was covered in the New York Times — so it’s not an age thing. Grandmas are capable, in theory, of gaming.”

At press time Blum had grown worried that Mario wasn’t eating enough. “I hope they’re feeding him over at Nintendo. He looks so thin! I wouldn’t have to worry so much if he could just find himself a nice Jewish mushroom girl, instead of that shiksa, Peach.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Being funny is the hardest job in the world, which I am sure you’ve heard before, but it bears repeating. That’s why we put out this column every week to commend the brave efforts of all our readers who are willing to post on the internet of all unholy places in an attempt to make strangers laugh. Join us as we celebrate the heroic gladiators of the digital age.

5. Gamer needs to Gamify Playing Video Games In Order to Get Through Gaming

There’s no reason to be ashamed, Andrew, and in fact, I am glad to finally see someone taking gaming seriously. This is exactly why Steam logs your hours of gameplay, so you can regularly evaluate your productivity. If you’re playing games just to screw around, I suggest you find a new hobby. Gaming isn’t some sort of game.

4. YouTube Movie Critic Fails to Suspend Disbelief After Girlfriend Breaks Up With Him

Every relationship I’ve been in always has the same ending — it’s so boring. How about something new and original, like a girlfriend who always lets me pick what movies we watch, or one that doesn’t leave after I propose to her? Now that would be something I’d like to see. That’s something that would go viral on Letterboxd for once.

3. lol try me

Oh, you think that’s bad? I had a fight with my roommate last night and now I keep getting this pop up:

My plan right now is to drink all of our whiskey in order to raise my Charisma and try to smooth things over with him.

2. Wizard Casts ‘Mage Hand’ So It Feels Like Someone Else is Doing It

Don’t worry my minotaur friend, I have the solution for you: Unseen Servant is the superior spell for any adventurer seeking adult recreation. This servant can handle whatever weight you’re working with, is completely invisible for extra discreteness, and obeys mental commands to save you the effort. Mage Hand is like using a fleshlight, while Unseen Servant is like an automated sex doll. Work smarter, not harder.

1. Nintendo in Panic Mode After Microsoft Acquires Luigi

Buddy, that’s not how Halo Infinite ends.

That’s how it truly begins. 

I want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments, which make this column possible. They also make it possible for me to explain the best mechanics for masturbating in Dungeons and Dragons, which is morally ambiguous at best. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

 

5 Happy Hour Cocktails That Will Make Your Coworkers Say, “Chill, This Is a Business Lunch”

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Happy hours are an opportunity to get to know your coworkers, network, schmooze with the bosses, and impress all of the above with your fashionable, yet fun, drink order! Here are five happy hour cocktail ideas that will make everyone at your business lunch think, “Wow, things must not be going well at home.”

Old fashioned – A classic drink for a classic event, an Old Fashioned is the perfect selection to get this party started! We know these are delish, but try not to drink it too fast. You’ve still got four more drinks coming!

Long Island Iced Tea – Now we’re talking! And, now your coworkers are talking, because your words are slurring and you just stumbled on the way to the bathroom. They’re probably saying things like, “Maybe it’s money. Could they be in debt? Or have a gambling problem?” Time to prove ‘em all wrong by stepping it up on your next drink order.

Bad Decision – You came up with this one yourself. It’s four parts top-shelf vodka and one part drinking it with the head of HR at the table. You made sure to shout this to everyone while doing four shots of bottom-shelf vodka.

Look, Just Get Me A Fuckin’ Shot, Okay – You came up with this spicy little number of the fly as you walked up to the bartender. He looks less than charmed. You should probably get some coffee.

Entire Bottle of Jameson – Bar cut you off? No worries! You bring a bottle of Ireland’s finest everywhere you go. Your coworkers will remember you forever as the life of the party and the reason your office can’t have parties anymore.