Help! I’m Trying to Watch This Cradle Of Filth Livestream But My Cauldron Keeps Buffering

Posted on by Mike Civins

Curses! Here I am trying to enjoy a live-streamed performance from Cradle of Filth, my beloved purveyors of gothic metal darkness, and wouldn’t you know it, my cauldron won’t stop buffering! Typical. I’ve been looking forward to Dani Filth & co.’s virtual concierto all week and, of course, my connection slows to that of a garden slug before ceasing altogether.

Great, now it’s frozen on Marthus Škaroupka making an awkward face.

I tried turning the hellfire off and on again and I’m still having the same issue! At this point, I regret ever switching from Verizon Fios.

God’s Wounds, what a pain! I tried contacting my coven’s IT department but got their autoreply. I bet they’re watching CoF launch into “Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids” or “Scorched Earth Erotica” while I’m sitting here inhaling theater size boxes of Rainbow Nerds and Tropical Typhoon Mike & Ikes. A pox on you, Bed Bath & Beyond! A pox on your discounted candy sales!

I tried calling the number on the back of my cauldron but it’s one month out of warranty. How am I supposed to imbibe the bleak majesty of songs like “Suicide and Other Comforts,” “Nymphetamine Fix,” and of course, “Gilded Cunt,” when the putrid bubbling broth in front of me won’t say anything but “25% Loading” for the past twenty minutes?

Why’d I even bother with cast iron? Sure, it sounds cool, weighs a ton, and both entraps and protects the properties of potions brewed within it, but if it can’t connect to the internet because everyone in my forest is watching Never Have I Ever on Netflix, then what’s the fucking point?

Someone on the Brewdit forums suggested connecting to my router directly to the cauldron but when I tried it, the ethernet cable turned into a corkscrew duck penis, which would have been pretty cool under different circumstances.

Drats. I was hoping for “Absinthe with Faust,” but now I have to settle for Charleston Chews with Nightmare Before Christmas on DVD.

Coronavirus Instantly Cured After Scientists Discover It Can Cause Erectile Dysfunction

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

ATLANTA — A team of male researchers reportedly discovered the cure for COVID-19 yesterday, mere seconds after a correlation between the disease and erectile dysfunction was noticed.

“I was hearing about a lot of men with COVID experiencing E.D., so when I caught the virus, even before experiencing the symptom, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. Within a few seconds, I cured it — and I’m not even a doctor!” exclaimed Theodore Martin, an accountant recently diagnosed with COVID. “I knew I couldn’t sit by and let this horrific ailment run rampant through the population… erectile dysfunction is truly the worst health crisis we’ll ever see in our lifetime.”

Lead CDC researcher Dr. Samantha Forst, though not thrilled with the motivation, was excited to at least have a vaccine.

“It would’ve been nice if someone from my team figured this out back in April as opposed to some rando afraid of losing his boners, but I guess a win is a win, right?” she commented while continuing to run tests on the new vaccine. “When I said it can permanently damage your lungs and liver, no one cared… but mess with their ding dongs, and suddenly every dude is an epidemiologist.”

While most are pleased with the development, executives at Pfizer, Viagra’s parent company, could not help but be somewhat disappointed.

“We’d cornered the market, and with the coronavirus causing E.D., COVID was like Viagra for our stock price. Then this twirp comes along and ruins everything,” said Pfizer COO Shari Tarm. “It’s fine, though — dudes are always losing their hard-ons, so we have like, the greatest job security known to man. But seriously, it’s important we distribute this vaccine as widely as possible and eradicate COVID for the people, of course. We have one of those small business loans on the way anyhow, so it all comes out in the wash one way or the other.”

The FDA is rushing the vaccine through any and all trial protocols after noticing side effects where bald men regrew their hair, and short men grew in height by an average of four inches.

Opinion: Our Team Doesn’t Need To Change Its Offensive Mascot, What We Need Is Some Defense

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Let me get this straight. You wanna come to my country and tell me and my folk how to live our lives, what words we can’t say, and, most importantly, what indigenous peoples we can and cannot mock via our sports teams’ cartoonishly racist mascots?

How dare you escalate the division in this country with such a minor issue. What we need in America right now is strong values. Values rooted in history. Specifically, history between the years 1619-1865.

We don’t need race-baiters telling us how to represent our team. What we need is some God Damn defense if we’re ever gonna bring home a championship.

I am a huge fan of a football team with an offensive name and mascot. I can admit that. Now can you admit that this issue may not be that big a deal? Shouldn’t focus on more important things like world hunger, decreasing our dependence on Saudi oil, and drafting a fucking cornerback next year because Jesus fucking Christ, they’re just letting them march down the field every God Damn drive!

The world is far too big for us to focus on such small problems. Do you have any idea how much of the rainforest is being cut down to build things that 99% of people can’t afford? Did you know that if we don’t trade for a free safety before the deadline, we might as well just bend over and let the opposing team have their way with us! Sure, that opposing team is also using a derogatory word for the same group as ours, but they’re using a different derogatory word. We are a noble people with a proud tradition of using every part of an oppressed people.

And that’s another thing. Every other team has an offensive name too. Why are we being targetted? Every year, the locations that fans of our team can openly celebrate our fandom is shrinking. Soon, we may only be able to freely gather on small reservations. Or in a casino if they’re playing the game at the bar. But none of that will matter when we’re sitting in last place because we’re in a conference that airs it out and we can’t get half the pressure on the quarterback as our team owner has on him to change the name.

Oh, and fuck the Cowboys. Not the actual Cowboys who rightfully took this country for the real Americans. Fuck the Dallas Cowboys.

REPORT: No One Actually Expects Newly-Engaged Punk Couple to Live Until Wedding Day

Posted on by John Danek

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Those invited to celebrate the marriage of punk drummer Scotty Corless and slaughterhouse foreman Anna “Slander” Dietrich are reportedly not bothering to RSVP on the assumption that at least one will die before then.

“I’ve never met two unhealthier people, and my band opened for Fucked Up twice, so that’s really saying something,” said longtime friend to the couple and best man Marc Reysandro. “There’s no way both Scotty and Slander will be walking this earth, let alone the aisle, come March 2022. No chance in hell. They both like starting fires way too much, and I don’t think either has drank water in years. I fully expect to be required to put a suit on for a special occasion surrounding them, but not exactly to celebrate their union, if you catch my drift.”

The bride-to-be seemed shockingly oblivious to the damage her ruinous lifestyle has on her body.

“I’m so excited — I just got ‘’Til Death Do Us Part’ tattooed on my clavicle, which promptly got sunburned during socially-distanced drinks in the Wal-Mart parking lot to celebrate the engagement,” recounted a wincing Dietrich. “I’m sure it will heal fine, though. And our engagement party was catered by the Taco Bell drive-through: they know mine and Scotty’s orders by heart when we roll up. Don’t even have to speak to anyone, which is pretty good for COVID or whatever, I think.”

Anthropologists proffer various theories as to why the life expectancy of the average punk couple is so low compared to other similar demographics.

“There are many factors that help explain why punk couples in particular die so young: terrible diets of Slim Jims and PBR, a complete lack of sustained exercise, and the twisted glorification of Sid & Nancy,” explained punk anthropologist Dr. Whitney Yonkers. “If only punk couples would continue to mosh regularly into old age, that might give them enough of a cardiovascular workout to survive into at least their 50s. But most punks over the age of 16 linger near the back of the venue, waiting to chainsmoke between sets.”

As of press time, not a single guest has purchased a gift for the couple from their wedding registry on Interpunk.com.

Betsy DeVos Calls for Public Schools to Be Defunded After Witnessing Rodney Mullen Do a 360 Kickflip Through Gymnasium Roof

Posted on by Andy Holt

SCHOOL II — U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos demanded funding cuts after witnessing a professional skateboarder do a 360 kickflip into a high school gym in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2.

“Seeing this kind of behavior, I can only come to one conclusion: we need to give less money to public schools,” said DeVos after seeing a five-second clip from the popular video game. “As much as I’d love to guarantee education to all children regardless of circumstance, I just can’t support a system that allows a grown man to nail a switch 360 kickflip through a roof for bonus points. Teachers unions and Rodney Mullen have had it too good for too long. Enough is enough.”

When informed that she had mistaken a video game for real-life footage, DeVos responded by demanding a massive budget reduction for public education.

“See, that’s another problem: video games are getting way too realistic these days. Luckily, I have the perfect solution,” said DeVos, skipping back to the beginning of her presentation. “We need to cut funding to public schools. Any other questions? Seriously — I can do this all day.”

Local gamer Devin Peters, the player behind the kickflip in question, expressed confusion when reached for comment on the matter.

“She said what? That’s so dumb,” said Peters, 17, a high school student. “If the public schools aren’t good enough, why don’t you just give them enough money to make things better? Seems fishy to me.”

After a full briefing on the video game, DeVos later released a plan to replace the School level with a Charter School level, which is much smaller and only accessible via lottery.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Plans To Definitely Get Together Soon Now In Ninth Year

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ATLANTA — College friends Aisha Brooks and Jason Haley promised to get together soon yet again today, just as they had for the past nine years, following a chance encounter at a local grocery store, eavesdropping witnesses confirmed.

“It was so good to run into Jason today — I keep meaning to plan a happy hour or dinner with him and his wife sometime soon,” reported Brooks, whose excuses over the years have ranged from “busy with work” to “not feeling well tonight.” “It’s just been tough to hammer things down. We both have active schedules ever since I started writing on Medium, and I think he got a cat. Plus, he’s living out in the suburbs now… but I definitely think once the pandemic is over, we’ll definitely figure something out.”

Haley confirmed Brooks’s recollection of mutual, empty promises.

“Aisha and I were super close for a long time — I was always there for her when some guy jerked her around. I would definitely like to connect again, I just keep having last minute shit come up and have to cancel,” concurred Haley, who said during the encounter that he was “too busy to grab coffee today” and immediately returned home from the store. “We were supposed to meet last summer to see Deerhunter, but I just was too wiped to drive all the way to the city and back home on a Monday. And we tried to get together just before the pandemic, but she said she had already changed into her pajamas and was probably in for the night. Hopefully, we can get together soon!”

Experts note that as people enter their 30s, there’s a documented uptick in “creative flakiness.”

“Older millennials place more value on having a few close friends rather than a large group of friends, so the two constantly blowing each other off is pretty typical,” noted social psychologist Dr. Amber Dawson. “In this case, there may not be any ill-will these two have towards each other: it’s just that going out these days requires a lot of work and effort, and most of us have had a really long day, okay? As such, we often find ourselves making empty promises to hang out in an effort to spare each other’s feelings.”

Experts predict the next time the two will interact will be when Haley comes up with a bullshit excuse to skip Brooks’s wedding.

Metal Singer Just Diagnosed with Obscure Terminal Disease Thinks That Would Be a Pretty Sick Song Title

Posted on by Michael Luis

CLEVELAND — Engorged Pustule singer Alec Matthewson, recently diagnosed with a debilitating, deadly illness known as spinocerebellar ataxia, realized today that the disease name would make a great song title, bewildered hospital staff confirmed.

“When my doctor told me about spinocerebellar ataxia, right away I thought of super gnarly lyrics about ripping out a spine and replacing it with bags of pus and maggots,” said Matthewson. “And when she said stuff like ‘degenerative’ and ‘incurable,’ I just kept thinking about how it sounds like something a fucked up alien would drill into your brain while probing you with burning logs from a tree made of bones.”

Physician Dr. Jamela Dawkins hadn’t ever seen a reaction like Matthewson’s.

“Telling someone that they will soon pass away is one of the hardest parts of being a doctor — we like to make sure they’re comfortable, and that they have loved ones with them for support,” said Dr. Dawkins. “But Mr. Matthewson thanked me for curing his ‘writer’s block,’ which I had to explain to him wasn’t a medical condition. Every symptom I mentioned, he just gave me that heavy metal hand gesture. I’m sorry if this comes off as crass, but his internal organs are in the condition of someone who’s been drinking battery acid… which also seemed to excite him. Wherever you can find silver linings, take them, I suppose.”

Matthewson’s bandmates assure that this level of optimism is standard for the singer.

“Alec’s a half-glass-full kind of guy… especially when that glass has whisky and paint thinner, which is his favorite drink,” said bassist Darren McManus. “When we were on tour and hit a deer, it was his idea to eat the venison. And then when he got stomach worms from it, it was his idea to name our new album ‘Parasitic Roundworm.’ He’s probably going to come up with a two-disc concept album from this disease. But judging by the prognosis, he’ll also probably die before the end of the week.”

Matthewson has also encouraged his bandmates to book doctor’s appointments, certain that his drummer’s mouth fungus is “good for one song, at the very least.”

If We Defund the Police They Won’t Have Money To Pay Wrongful Death Lawsuits To All Those Families

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Cops suck. There’s no question about that. I’m not a dumbass boot licker. However, I don’t know if we should be calling for the police to be defunded. I mean, I get the sentiment but I don’t believe it’s going to fix the problem.

These assholes aren’t going to stop killing people. Especially if they’re making less money. In fact, I’m worried that making less money will incentivize them to kill even more. This would be a real problem because they wouldn’t have anything left in the budget to keep paying all the families in the wrongful death lawsuits.

People who want to kill people and are too stupid for the army are always going to exist. That’s part of why we have police in the first place! At least this way there is a system in place to ensure that families are somewhat compensated.

This country obviously doesn’t care enough to end police violence so the only form of justice the families of these victims can expect in this country is cold hard cash. Sure, they’ll never be able to hold or even talk to their loved one ever again but that’s so much easier to cope with when you can buy yourself something nice.

We need to stop focusing on the fact that there is a system in place that uses our tax dollars to pay people who can pull you out of your car or bust down your front door in the middle of the night to kill you for no reason without consequence and start focusing on how big the payout for that murder is going to be for our families.

Just think of it like the hunger games! You or one of your family members is selected to be sacrificed to our capitalist overlords and in return, your family gets a fat payout and moves up a wealth class.

Again, I’m not saying I support this system. It’s really fucked up. But, as long as there are police, there will be cold-blooded murders by them. We can’t risk cutting their funds because the big post-execution payout is the best we’re gonna get.

Report: Drum Kit Belongs to That Huge Spider Now

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

MANKATO, Minn. — Speedwolf drummer Levi Daniels abandoned his Tama Swingstar kit and assorted hardware yesterday to a “pants-shittingly” large spider spotted on the snare drum, visibly squirming sources confirmed.

“Since we can’t play any live shows, we’ve been slacking on rehearsing… and the spider took advantage of our laziness and basically claimed the entire kit for itself by spinning an elaborate web of death that I don’t plan on falling victim to. I’m just not that metal,” said Daniels, with his closed-face skull hoodie fully zipped. “I was already planning on selling that kit anyway. Maybe I can claim it as a charitable donation on my tax forms or something. I suggested to the other guys in the band that we pack up what we can and try to rebuild in a new practice space, just to be safe.”

Guitarist Zig Stantz believes it falls to Daniels to deal with the spider, rather than relocate and buy a whole new set of drums.

“There’s a pulsating egg sac covered in spines on the double kick pedal that looks like it’s ready to explode evil, eight-legged beasts all over the place,” Stantz said as he clutched a can of hairspray and a barbecue lighter. “I understand why Levi is being such a puss — the spider itself has markings that look like an epitaph in a forgotten language. I’m pretty sure none of us even have the power to kill it. I firmly believe this spider was sent from hell.”

Arachnologist Dr. Joelle Tableton confirms the spider is known to science, but has yet to be properly studied and classified.

“None of us will fucking go near it,” said Tableton from a distance. “We know it builds its webs exclusively on ‘metal’ gear, like drums with more hardware than necessary, or guitars at least as obnoxious as a Flying V or Explorer. It has to eat something, but all it seems to take in is carbon monoxide and irradiated lead. To this point, we’ve been unable to collect any further data. For me, when I get within six feet of it, I can hear my dead mother screaming.”

“My official recommendation is that the house be abandoned and exorcised,” she added. “The band should begin auditioning new drummers.”

Since discovery, researchers were flocking to church in search of hope, while Speedwolf was creating a crowdsourcing page to fund their upcoming acoustic EP.