ATLANTA — A team of male researchers reportedly discovered the cure for COVID-19 yesterday, mere seconds after a correlation between the disease and erectile dysfunction was noticed.
“I was hearing about a lot of men with COVID experiencing E.D., so when I caught the virus, even before experiencing the symptom, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. Within a few seconds, I cured it — and I’m not even a doctor!” exclaimed Theodore Martin, an accountant recently diagnosed with COVID. “I knew I couldn’t sit by and let this horrific ailment run rampant through the population… erectile dysfunction is truly the worst health crisis we’ll ever see in our lifetime.”
Lead CDC researcher Dr. Samantha Forst, though not thrilled with the motivation, was excited to at least have a vaccine.
“It would’ve been nice if someone from my team figured this out back in April as opposed to some rando afraid of losing his boners, but I guess a win is a win, right?” she commented while continuing to run tests on the new vaccine. “When I said it can permanently damage your lungs and liver, no one cared… but mess with their ding dongs, and suddenly every dude is an epidemiologist.”
While most are pleased with the development, executives at Pfizer, Viagra’s parent company, could not help but be somewhat disappointed.
“We’d cornered the market, and with the coronavirus causing E.D., COVID was like Viagra for our stock price. Then this twirp comes along and ruins everything,” said Pfizer COO Shari Tarm. “It’s fine, though — dudes are always losing their hard-ons, so we have like, the greatest job security known to man. But seriously, it’s important we distribute this vaccine as widely as possible and eradicate COVID for the people, of course. We have one of those small business loans on the way anyhow, so it all comes out in the wash one way or the other.”
The FDA is rushing the vaccine through any and all trial protocols after noticing side effects where bald men regrew their hair, and short men grew in height by an average of four inches.