REPORT: Mom Keeps Dropping Hints She Fucked Dexter Holland Once

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

COSTA MESA, Calif. — Slightly tipsy local mom Candace Webber keeps dropping not-so-subtle hints that she fucked The Offspring singer Dexter Holland in the ‘90s, possibly on multiple occasions, skeeved-out familial sources confirmed.

“I wandered into the kitchen last week and found Mom listening to the ‘90s channel on Sirius and gently swaying back and forth with her eyes closed — the song was ‘Pretty Fly for a White Guy,’ and she just moaned, ‘He sure was fly…,’” explained son Elijah Webber. “When she said she met the band once and the lead singer was ‘so nice,’ it was immediately clear what she was hinting at. I got the hell out of there before she could wax nostalgic about her other alt-rock sexcapades.”

Without prompting, Candace elaborated on her numerous, “incredibly passionate and sweaty” meetings with Holland.

“Oh, I knew Dexter back in the day… you might say, you couldn’t keep us separated. Whenever the band was in town, I’d come out and play, if you catch my drift,” explained the 52-year-old systems analyst. “I don’t want to say too much more; I’m a mom, after all.”

“Let me just add that despite his lyrics, I’d never say it was lack of sex that was bringing him down,” she added. “Wait, was that an Offspring song? Either way, any time I see Gringo Bandito hot sauce at the grocery store, it gets me a little hot and bothered.”

Local record store owner Mahdi Townsend noted that alt-rockers like Holland still “cast a long shadow” over Orange County, Calif.

“Well, like any rock star in their heyday, Dexter Holland was very popular with young women. And eventually all those young women grew up and became unfulfilled, suburban moms with dumpy husbands and embarrassing tramp stamps,” said Townsend. “We even have the data to prove it: a study from 2016 found that every five minutes, a mom somewhere in the O.C. is getting drunk on sangria and reminiscing about sleeping with Dexter Holland, Mark McGrath, or any of the guys from Lit.”

Elijah has since scrubbed the house of every vintage bowling shirt, DVDs of “Empire Records,” and anything else that might remind his mom of dudes she fucked in the ‘90s.

Coward Hour Exclusive: At Sea

Posted on by Coward Hour

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

We discuss the tragic men in Nik’s bloodline, and speculate on Donald Trump’s opinion of various cartoon rats.

5 Reasons Why We Still Don’t Believe Those ‘3D Mario Collection’ Rumors

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

By now you’ve seen the rumors: a collection of some of Mario’s greatest 3D adventures are supposedly going to be released on Switch. 

Well, if that sounds too good to be true, that’s because it sadly is. After months of leaks and baseless speculation (heck, even the official Nintendo Twitter account shared a rumor that the game would be released on September 18), no Mario 3D All Stars ever materialized. And while some fanboys are holding out hope that the game might still see the light of day, here’s 5 reasons why those “3D Mario Collection” Rumors are false!

  1. If this game was real, how come we haven’t seen it in stores? Target, WalMart, Best Buy – absolutely no one has it for sale. You mean to tell me a collection of 20+ year old games are so popular that the biggest retailers can’t keep them in stock? Yeah right. Sounds made up to us.
  2. If it was real, Nintendo would have announced the game in a general Direct. Fact: There hasn’t been a general Direct in over a year! Sure, there’s been partner showcases (including one in August that was so terrible, I’ve been flat out ignoring everything from Nintendo since then). But no real Directs.

  3. Nintendo’s next game is Metroid Prime 4. Fan’s have been hotly anticipating this one since 2017. Obviously, Nintendo would never jerk us around for years, without even so much as a progress update, right? Clearly Metroid, and not a silly Mario collection, is the next game in the queue.
  4. We’ve suffered a traumatic brain injury. We’ll admit that it is possible, although highly unlikely, that the Mario game has been released and we forgot about it. We were in a terrible biking accident that severely damaged our short-term memory. Sometimes we forget things right after they happen. Additionally, we should also mention that we were in a horrible biking accident that damaged our short-term memory.

  5. Super Mario Sunshine is dumb. No one wants to play that game, so why would that be included as one of the three Mario games in a 3D collection? It just makes absolutely no sense. You run around shooting water? Come the fuck on.

Based on the facts, there’s simply no conceivable truth to the outrageous rumors. But in the interest of fairness, we’ll check back again around April or so and see if we can find the game available for purchase then. But, we’re not going to hold our breath! Especially because our body is pretty weak after that biking accident.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

New Facebook Tab Switches to Classic Mode If Clicked, But Somebody You Don’t Know Will Die

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

SAN FRANCISCO — Facebook has debuted a new feature that allows users to revert their profiles to Facebook Classic for 48 hours by clicking a tab, although doing so will result in the death of a stranger somewhere in the world.

“Zuckerberg forced all the devs to come into the office on a Saturday a few months ago to watch The Box together, that movie from ten years ago with the button that gives you a million dollars but kills someone if you push it,” said Facebook developer Jaleel Davidson. “After the screening, Zuck explained how it matched the core philosophy he had in mind for Facebook. He said that people should be able to make small choices to personalize their newsfeed, but that it should come at a grave, grave cost. That’s when we started working on the new Facebook design.”

“Part of me wanted to walk out of the company right then and there,” Davidson added. “But, you know, I get paid pretty well and it’s a chill job.”

Though every aspect of the new tab is explicitly stated, most users have thus far found no qualms causing a stranger to die.

“It was a little frustrating because the app kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to be responsible for someone’s literal death, and I’m like, ‘As long as I don’t have to relearn how to access to my QAnon Cuties Facebook group, I’ll strangle somebody I do know,’ you know?” explained recent tab-clicker Larry Johnston while cleaning a loaded AR-15. “Then it made me do all these CAPTCHAs that said ‘Click on all the people you wouldn’t mind dying horrifically,’ and it took me a few minutes to click every picture. It was very annoying and took me forever.”

“The stupid thing resets every two days,” Johnston said. “I’ve killed like seven people already.”

Results seem to indicate that Facebook users are both very much enjoying the new feature and dying at an alarming rate. 

“My sister clicked it yesterday, and she couldn’t stop talking about how much she preferred Classic Mode and how she hoped whoever she killed was a criminal. And then weirdly this morning she tripped while making cereal and impaled her brain with a spoon,” said Gary Legland. “You know, our other sister also died a few days ago after electrocuting herself with an old Bop It toy. I wonder if she’d switched to Classic Mode, too.”

As of press time, Facebook was also testing out a new functionality on IGTV whereby The Ring antagonist Sadako Yamamura crawls out of users’ phone screens if they watch any videos that didn’t pay Facebook for a boost.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Help! I’m Trying to Watch This Cradle Of Filth Livestream But My Cauldron Keeps Buffering

Posted on by Mike Civins

Curses! Here I am trying to enjoy a live-streamed performance from Cradle of Filth, my beloved purveyors of gothic metal darkness, and wouldn’t you know it, my cauldron won’t stop buffering! Typical. I’ve been looking forward to Dani Filth & co.’s virtual concierto all week and, of course, my connection slows to that of a garden slug before ceasing altogether.

Great, now it’s frozen on Marthus Škaroupka making an awkward face.

I tried turning the hellfire off and on again and I’m still having the same issue! At this point, I regret ever switching from Verizon Fios.

God’s Wounds, what a pain! I tried contacting my coven’s IT department but got their autoreply. I bet they’re watching CoF launch into “Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids” or “Scorched Earth Erotica” while I’m sitting here inhaling theater size boxes of Rainbow Nerds and Tropical Typhoon Mike & Ikes. A pox on you, Bed Bath & Beyond! A pox on your discounted candy sales!

I tried calling the number on the back of my cauldron but it’s one month out of warranty. How am I supposed to imbibe the bleak majesty of songs like “Suicide and Other Comforts,” “Nymphetamine Fix,” and of course, “Gilded Cunt,” when the putrid bubbling broth in front of me won’t say anything but “25% Loading” for the past twenty minutes?

Why’d I even bother with cast iron? Sure, it sounds cool, weighs a ton, and both entraps and protects the properties of potions brewed within it, but if it can’t connect to the internet because everyone in my forest is watching Never Have I Ever on Netflix, then what’s the fucking point?

Someone on the Brewdit forums suggested connecting to my router directly to the cauldron but when I tried it, the ethernet cable turned into a corkscrew duck penis, which would have been pretty cool under different circumstances.

Drats. I was hoping for “Absinthe with Faust,” but now I have to settle for Charleston Chews with Nightmare Before Christmas on DVD.

Coronavirus Instantly Cured After Scientists Discover It Can Cause Erectile Dysfunction

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

ATLANTA — A team of male researchers reportedly discovered the cure for COVID-19 yesterday, mere seconds after a correlation between the disease and erectile dysfunction was noticed.

“I was hearing about a lot of men with COVID experiencing E.D., so when I caught the virus, even before experiencing the symptom, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. Within a few seconds, I cured it — and I’m not even a doctor!” exclaimed Theodore Martin, an accountant recently diagnosed with COVID. “I knew I couldn’t sit by and let this horrific ailment run rampant through the population… erectile dysfunction is truly the worst health crisis we’ll ever see in our lifetime.”

Lead CDC researcher Dr. Samantha Forst, though not thrilled with the motivation, was excited to at least have a vaccine.

“It would’ve been nice if someone from my team figured this out back in April as opposed to some rando afraid of losing his boners, but I guess a win is a win, right?” she commented while continuing to run tests on the new vaccine. “When I said it can permanently damage your lungs and liver, no one cared… but mess with their ding dongs, and suddenly every dude is an epidemiologist.”

While most are pleased with the development, executives at Pfizer, Viagra’s parent company, could not help but be somewhat disappointed.

“We’d cornered the market, and with the coronavirus causing E.D., COVID was like Viagra for our stock price. Then this twirp comes along and ruins everything,” said Pfizer COO Shari Tarm. “It’s fine, though — dudes are always losing their hard-ons, so we have like, the greatest job security known to man. But seriously, it’s important we distribute this vaccine as widely as possible and eradicate COVID for the people, of course. We have one of those small business loans on the way anyhow, so it all comes out in the wash one way or the other.”

The FDA is rushing the vaccine through any and all trial protocols after noticing side effects where bald men regrew their hair, and short men grew in height by an average of four inches.

Opinion: Our Team Doesn’t Need To Change Its Offensive Mascot, What We Need Is Some Defense

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Let me get this straight. You wanna come to my country and tell me and my folk how to live our lives, what words we can’t say, and, most importantly, what indigenous peoples we can and cannot mock via our sports teams’ cartoonishly racist mascots?

How dare you escalate the division in this country with such a minor issue. What we need in America right now is strong values. Values rooted in history. Specifically, history between the years 1619-1865.

We don’t need race-baiters telling us how to represent our team. What we need is some God Damn defense if we’re ever gonna bring home a championship.

I am a huge fan of a football team with an offensive name and mascot. I can admit that. Now can you admit that this issue may not be that big a deal? Shouldn’t focus on more important things like world hunger, decreasing our dependence on Saudi oil, and drafting a fucking cornerback next year because Jesus fucking Christ, they’re just letting them march down the field every God Damn drive!

The world is far too big for us to focus on such small problems. Do you have any idea how much of the rainforest is being cut down to build things that 99% of people can’t afford? Did you know that if we don’t trade for a free safety before the deadline, we might as well just bend over and let the opposing team have their way with us! Sure, that opposing team is also using a derogatory word for the same group as ours, but they’re using a different derogatory word. We are a noble people with a proud tradition of using every part of an oppressed people.

And that’s another thing. Every other team has an offensive name too. Why are we being targetted? Every year, the locations that fans of our team can openly celebrate our fandom is shrinking. Soon, we may only be able to freely gather on small reservations. Or in a casino if they’re playing the game at the bar. But none of that will matter when we’re sitting in last place because we’re in a conference that airs it out and we can’t get half the pressure on the quarterback as our team owner has on him to change the name.

Oh, and fuck the Cowboys. Not the actual Cowboys who rightfully took this country for the real Americans. Fuck the Dallas Cowboys.

REPORT: No One Actually Expects Newly-Engaged Punk Couple to Live Until Wedding Day

Posted on by John Danek

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Those invited to celebrate the marriage of punk drummer Scotty Corless and slaughterhouse foreman Anna “Slander” Dietrich are reportedly not bothering to RSVP on the assumption that at least one will die before then.

“I’ve never met two unhealthier people, and my band opened for Fucked Up twice, so that’s really saying something,” said longtime friend to the couple and best man Marc Reysandro. “There’s no way both Scotty and Slander will be walking this earth, let alone the aisle, come March 2022. No chance in hell. They both like starting fires way too much, and I don’t think either has drank water in years. I fully expect to be required to put a suit on for a special occasion surrounding them, but not exactly to celebrate their union, if you catch my drift.”

The bride-to-be seemed shockingly oblivious to the damage her ruinous lifestyle has on her body.

“I’m so excited — I just got ‘’Til Death Do Us Part’ tattooed on my clavicle, which promptly got sunburned during socially-distanced drinks in the Wal-Mart parking lot to celebrate the engagement,” recounted a wincing Dietrich. “I’m sure it will heal fine, though. And our engagement party was catered by the Taco Bell drive-through: they know mine and Scotty’s orders by heart when we roll up. Don’t even have to speak to anyone, which is pretty good for COVID or whatever, I think.”

Anthropologists proffer various theories as to why the life expectancy of the average punk couple is so low compared to other similar demographics.

“There are many factors that help explain why punk couples in particular die so young: terrible diets of Slim Jims and PBR, a complete lack of sustained exercise, and the twisted glorification of Sid & Nancy,” explained punk anthropologist Dr. Whitney Yonkers. “If only punk couples would continue to mosh regularly into old age, that might give them enough of a cardiovascular workout to survive into at least their 50s. But most punks over the age of 16 linger near the back of the venue, waiting to chainsmoke between sets.”

As of press time, not a single guest has purchased a gift for the couple from their wedding registry on Interpunk.com.

Betsy DeVos Calls for Public Schools to Be Defunded After Witnessing Rodney Mullen Do a 360 Kickflip Through Gymnasium Roof

Posted on by Andy Holt

SCHOOL II — U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos demanded funding cuts after witnessing a professional skateboarder do a 360 kickflip into a high school gym in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2.

“Seeing this kind of behavior, I can only come to one conclusion: we need to give less money to public schools,” said DeVos after seeing a five-second clip from the popular video game. “As much as I’d love to guarantee education to all children regardless of circumstance, I just can’t support a system that allows a grown man to nail a switch 360 kickflip through a roof for bonus points. Teachers unions and Rodney Mullen have had it too good for too long. Enough is enough.”

When informed that she had mistaken a video game for real-life footage, DeVos responded by demanding a massive budget reduction for public education.

“See, that’s another problem: video games are getting way too realistic these days. Luckily, I have the perfect solution,” said DeVos, skipping back to the beginning of her presentation. “We need to cut funding to public schools. Any other questions? Seriously — I can do this all day.”

Local gamer Devin Peters, the player behind the kickflip in question, expressed confusion when reached for comment on the matter.

“She said what? That’s so dumb,” said Peters, 17, a high school student. “If the public schools aren’t good enough, why don’t you just give them enough money to make things better? Seems fishy to me.”

After a full briefing on the video game, DeVos later released a plan to replace the School level with a Charter School level, which is much smaller and only accessible via lottery.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.