GREENVILLE, Miss. — Enlightened musician and your friend Tocarra Yost assured you that you will eventually find the missing capo you’ve been searching for the moment you stop tearing your house apart looking for it.
“People are always spending so much time and energy worrying that they’ll never find the capos they’ve misplaced, and I understand, because I used to be just like them,” Yost stated. “But then one day, I realized that if I needed some piece of equipment to affect the pitch on my guitar, that I was never gonna be happy: I had to rely on the capo in me before I could use the one I bought from Guitar Center two years ago. The moment I did that, everything changed, and my capo appeared — right there on top of the refrigerator, under an old calendar from 2017 I got through a secret Santa thing at work.”
While Yost’s outlook sounds nice in theory, it is of absolutely no help to you at all in the present moment.
“Tocarra watched one guided meditation on YouTube while she was all fucked up after she had her wisdom teeth removed, and now she thinks of herself as some spiritual guru or something,” you explained. “I think it’s all bullshit, but if I told her that, she’d say something about the Law of Attraction that also doesn’t make any sense. And plus, it’s so easy for her — she has a real job, so she can have her choice of any capo she wants. I bet capos are knocking down her door just to get clipped to her Martin. No capos ever notice me.”
Misplaced items expert and local Guitar Center assistant manager Marky “Dio” Del Rio suggests taking a more aggressive approach when searching for capos.
“It’s not easy, and sometimes it seems like they don’t even wanna be found, so I always get straight to the point, right outta the gate,” Del Rio said. “I usually hit up all the hotspots first, like the nightstand, coffee table, or kitchen counter, before I move to less obvious places — your backs of toilet tanks, your underneath cars, and what have you. I’m not going home without a capo, so even if I have to swipe one off some other dude’s guitar… whatever, man. If I wanna play ‘Aqualung,’ I’m playing ‘Aqualung,’ pronto.”
At press time, your capo was still being used as a bookmark in a copy of War and Peace, and will likely never be seen again.