MIAMI — Claiming her client was clearly cheating the fates, local psychic Madame LeMystique beat the shit out of her client, Darrel Hudson, for counting tarot cards to get a better reading and prophecy of his future.
“You think your fancy math can trump the Hermetic Qabalah?!” screamed LeMystique as she pummeled Hudson’s smug grin after once again drawing two Emperors and a Death reversed card, signaling he will have a long and prosperous life ahead.
“Think again, motherfucker, the Occult always wins!” continued the enraged soothsayer, throwing Hudson out of her divination room and issuing him a lifetime hex.
Hudson, 27, has reportedly cheated fortune tellers and The Great Powers That Be out of many predictions of bad karma, such as fixing the weights of animal bones when casting lots and only visiting soothsayers when his moon is in Capricorn.
“If I can get away with it, it usually means I go home with imbued confidence, good luck in all my endeavors and aligned chakras,” said Hudson, dusting himself off from being bludgeoned with a crystal ball. “But sometimes these psychics catch on really quick. That’s how you know they’re the real deal, I guess.”
Still, Madame LeMystique worries this incident will harm her business’ reputation.
“No one comes into my chamber and tricks me into having a bogus premonition,” she commented. “I only hope the rest of my clientele can still count on completely accurate and unmanipulated oracles going forward.”
Photo by @fox_emm
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