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Metalhead Running Late for Show Accidentally Puts On Sister’s Girl Scouts Vest

WAUKEE, Iowa — Tardy metalhead Colby Shelton accidentally wore his young sister’s Girl Scout vest to a recent show, mistaking it for his battle vest, confirmed multiple sources

“I was running late because the pre-show beef lo mein sent me running for the crapper. I didn’t want to miss the opener so I quickly grabbed my battle jacket out of the mud room, got in my car and dragged ass over to the venue,” said Shelton. “Yeah, my jacket felt a bit snug, but I didn’t notice anything was weird until I started spotting a bunch of people giving me the three-finger salute and asking if I could hook them up with a few boxes of peanut butter Tagalongs.”

Venue barback Erin Glibert was one of the few in attendance excited to see a “Girl Scout” at the show.

“To be honest, I didn’t even notice that the ‘Girl Scout’ was a 20-something bearded man and not a little girl. All I knew was that the venue was really in the weeds, and I figured with some of the badges they had, they could be a huge help to us,” said Gilbert. “The guys at the merch table accidentally ripped a bunch of shirts and needed someone who was good with a sewing needle. Maybe the scout could also give them some advice on salesmanship, considering how those girls are slinging cookies. And then a mama opossum and her babies made a nest inside the bass drum. And I figured since they earned their ‘animal habitat’ badge they’d be just the person to help get them out safely and humanely.”

Local Girl Scout Samantha “Big Sammi” Blankenship expressed her frustration regarding Shelton’s mistake.

“Frankly speaking, this is a bunch of bush league bullshit, and this wannabe scout can get fucked,” explained the seven-year-old. “Stolen valor doesn’t just apply to fat middle-aged dudes pretending to have been Navy Seals when the only time they’ve been at the bow of a ship is on Disney’s Jungle Cruise. We’ve got a rep to protect. And if any of us girls see this guy on the street we’re swinging on him, no hesitation. That’s what it means to live by Girl Scout law.”

At press time, Shelton found himself in even more hot water after mistaking his younger brother’s Boy Scout neckerchief for a bandana.