The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Woman Using Venue Bathroom Makes Sure to Put Seat Down Before Hovering and Pissing All Over It

Posted on March 18, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

TACOMA, Wash. — Show regular Harmony Smith put the seat down in the bathroom of venue Plaid Pig before squatting and hovering above the toilet and inevitably pissing all over it, sources who appreciate the consideration confirmed.

“It makes me so angry when someone forgets the toilet seat up and I have to touch it and physically put it down myself before I can pee,” an able-bodied Smith stated from the venue’s only handicap stall. “Yeah, ok, I’m definitely not sitting on it cause it’s for sure already covered in someone else’s urine, but I’m a fucking lady. We put the seat down before we spray hot piss all over it. I have decent aim, so when I hover to pee there’s probably only a little splash here and there and it’s not like I’m gross or anything. Like, it takes two seconds, pay it forward.”

Plaid Pig regular and cocaine enthusiast, Lex Monsanto, applauds Smith’s considerate actions, which allow him the use of the stall’s private sink counter and extra legroom without judgment.

“For a while this bathroom was just too clean and made what I was doing feel unnatural,” a highly stimulated Monsanto commented between sniffles. “Folks like Harmony really help set a more welcoming vibe by urinating in, on and around the toilet. Nowadays, there’s the ripe scent of piss in the air and all my toots feel like a fish in the ocean. Plus, most people take one look at the toilet and turn around when they see it, so I could essentially stay in here undisturbed all night.”

As luck would have it, the toilet seat was available for comment before putting in another late-night shift.

“I’m going to be real with you, every night is a war in this stall, and I’ve seen some strong seats crack under the pressure,” the toilet seat commented with a far-off glare in their eyes. “In the end, you just have to wipe up, think to yourself, ‘sure, that’s good enough’ and prepare for what tomorrow may bring, but we all know it’s just a steady stream of hovering asses and piss. Sometimes if we’re lucky some well-meaning soul will put one of those microscopic paper covers down before hovering to piss all over us, but we can’t count on that.”

“Listen, if you touch me, you’re gonna want to wash your hands long enough to at least count to 100,” the toilet seat added.

Heartwarming: When This Talented Band Didn’t Have Festival Submission Money the Promoter Booked His Own Band Instead

Posted on March 17, 2022 by Kevin Hufe

Everyone knows how tough it is for local bands. Often, members of the most popular bands have access to disposable resources like money and time. Sadly, for most struggling to make it, things like work, family, or intergenerational poverty make it nearly impossible to rise in the ranks of the music world. Sometimes, very talented bands are simply unable to showcase their abilities for the masses due to a lack of these resources. That’s why when one talented band didn’t have the money to pay the fee to submit to a local festival, the promoter lept into action, quickly filling the spot with his own band instead.

“We really were looking to catapult out of the township’s scene and into the greater county’s scene, which is why we knew the ‘Love is Death Fest’ at the Episcopal church would be a great opportunity to showcase what we can do,” vocalist Cecil Powers said. “Unfortunately, being a three-person band, the $40 submission fee was a little steep. Thank God the promoter was able to fill the void on the lineup with his own band.”

Nick Kearney, the promoter who has been running the LiD festival for the past three years, took an immediate interest.

“Hearing about young bands with so much talent struggling to apply to festivals because they don’t have any money is so heartbreaking,” Nick said. “It reminds me of the struggles my band used to face before I started charging bands to submit to my fest.”

That’s when Nick hit the ground running with his idea. After collecting 40 dollars from his bandmates, he slipped them into the lineup. And boy was it worth it! The group gave a rousing performance to a record-setting festival attendance of about 14 people.

CDC Releases New Guidelines On Communal St. Patrick’s Day Puke Bucket

Posted on March 17, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention director Rochelle Walensky released a new set of guidelines for St. Patrick’s Day revelers prepared to barf their guts into shared puke buckets.

“As we enter a new phase of battling COVID-19 we want to make sure everyone remains safe as they consume countless shots of cheap Irish whiskey and attempt to fight a guy twice their size,” said Walensky. “We want to remind everyone that the safest place to spew is in the privacy of your own home in your own toilet. But we know that’s often not possible, so if you do need to ralph into a dirty bucket at a bar just make sure you keep your face at least 18 inches from the rim to avoid splashback, and make sure you have an Altoid handy to mask that awful stench left in your mouth before standing two inches from the bartender you’re yelling at.”

Freckled drunks across the country admitted they were a little confused by the new CDC announcement.

“Those idiot scientists don’t know shit. My dad was a science teacher and he knows way more about science than those science idiots,” said Boston resident Ryan Doyle while drinking Guinness from a milk jug. “Last month they were saying everyone needs to carry their own barf bucket, now it’s ok for us to all puke in the same bucket? Um, hello, Earth to morons—that doesn’t make any sense. All I know is that COVID took the only holiday I love from me for the past two years, so I have to make up for a lot of lost time.”

Bar managers were thankful for the new guidelines and to be back to regular business.

“The food and drinks industry has been under so much pressure. I almost had to shut down my bar on multiple occasions but we made it through and people will basically pay anything to get drunk in public again,” said bar owner Tammy Steiner. “The state dropped our indoor mask mandate so we expect a lot of projectile vomit. I have multiple buckets set up around the bar with hand sanitizer readily available for anyone that wipes their mouth with their palm. I’ve missed this.”

Walensky also noted the CDC is creating a new section of their website with an updated list of excuses a person can use in the post-COVID hook-up world to leave in a hurry without hurting any feelings.

Sticking It to the Man: This Guy Poops on the Clock 40 Hours a Week

Posted on March 17, 2022 by Ben Friedman

A great 20th-century philosopher/astronomer once said, “work sucks, I know.” Long hours, stagnant wages, and poor management have left a majority of America’s working-class feeling unable to get the upper hand. However, there is a light in the darkness. Daniel Smith, a local Kroger’s employee, has found a way to beat the system. His strategy to stick it to his employers is simple. He poops every single hour of every single workday.

Sure, we’ve all stolen a few precious moments to deuce on someone else’s time. But this guy has found a way to weaponize it and beat the man at their own game. While his coworkers waste their valuable time hustling to shell out discount groceries, Daniel is hunkered down in his modest two-stall command center with an endless supply of podcasts. He refuses to sacrifice his time when they’re only paying 11 dollars an hour.

And at the end of the day, Daniel clocks out with his head held high knowing that he put in an honest day’s work of not getting pushed around by middle management. With a brain that full and bowels that empty, Daniel could be running his own company one day! Just as soon as he gets his self-caused IBS under control.

We can’t help but see the similarities between Daniel’s stand against capitalism and John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s “stay in bed” protest. Could his bowel movement turn into a labor movement? Only time will tell. Regardless, I think we can all agree that this working-class hero knows where to tell “The Man” to shove his minimum wage, long hours, and “customer is always right” policy: right in the fucking toilet.

“Careful Out There, It’s Amateur Night!” Says Man About To Break Own Neck During Keg Stand

Posted on March 17, 2022 by Corey Montgomery

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local man Jerrod Wader was seen advising caution to a group of friends leaving his home during a St. Patrick’s Day party just hours before severely injuring himself in an alcohol-related incident, sources report.

“Aw yeah. It’s a nightmare out there on these drinking holidays. Especially when you have all these college kids out who can barely hold their booze,” explained Wader as a friend taped a 40 oz. of Olde English 800 to each of his hands. “Honestly, I don’t even know what’s so special about St. Patrick’s Day. I pound about a 30 pack a day before, during, and after work, so I’m basically a pro at this point, not like these baby amateurs who only come out to drink ‘to have a good time.’ What a bunch of assholes.”

A friend of Wader’s, Greg Barry, expressed gratitude for having a safe place to enjoy the holiday.

“Duuuuuuuuuude! Jerrod’s the best, man. I’m so pumped that I get to be here instead of bar crawling with all those fuckin’ newbs,” said Barry, “I can chug an entire pint of whiskey and not even have worry about drunking my car drive. Can you believe these kids just risking it all for some overpriced green beer?”

“Is just sad an I can’t eben imagine how bad…” he added, before wandering into a nearby closet.

Long time neighbor, Cecilia Dawkins, lamented the nuisance caused by Wader’s seemingly non-stop partying.

“Alcohol poisoning, fights, lacerations from failed attempts at Edward Fortyhands, ‘Tubthumping’ playing at ear-splitting volumes… I’ve seen and heard it all,” sighed a visibly exhausted Dawkins. “Last week I almost tripped over a guy who passed out on my porch. It’s ridiculous and it’s only getting worse. At this point, I’m relieved it’s St. Patrick’s Day because at least maybe some of the water he sprays on college kids passing by will accidentally make it into his system.”

In a scene that was described as ‘epic’ by attendees of the party, Wader was being carried away in a neck brace on a stretcher.

Man Falls Down Five Flights Of Stairs Without Spilling Beer

Posted on March 16, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

SAN FRANCISCO — Local bar fly Brock Cooper accomplished the impossible after he tumbled down five full flights of stairs without spilling a single drop of the beer in his hand, multiple tipsy to trashed witnesses confirmed.

“We responded to a 911 call at The Red Clam and when we showed up there was a concussed man on the floor holding his beer in the air like a fucking champ. Dude was out cold, but he didn’t let a drop hit the floor,” said EMT Amani Goldmann. “We put him on the gurney, and I swear, he was still balancing the beer and keeping it level even though he was entirely unconscious. If I’m not mistaken, the hospital emergency room nurses even had to x-ray his body with the beer still in his hand. This guy is a legend.”

Ryan Marcus, a Clam regular, was still in awe at the incredible spectacle of a man eating shit with the nimbleness of a thousand baby lambs.

“I mean, I understand falling down one or two flights of stairs but, five? Incredible! I just assumed he would have figured out a way to slow down or stop or something,” said Marcus while standing by the staircase and noticing how dry it still was. “I was at the bottom of the stairwell having a cigarette and I heard his head hit the stairs like 12 times. It is a sound that will haunt me for years. I’d say he was falling for a total of at least two minutes straight and his beer seemed to be floating, steady as a sniper’s scope. I honestly kinda got bored watching after the third flight. Oh, I mean, it was undeniably incredible though.”

A bedridden Brock Cooper in a full-body cast commented on the extravagant display of grace and emphatically denied any allusion to negativity.

“Yeah, I broke my pelvis, both arms and legs, four fingers, eight ribs, two vertebrae, my nose, half my face, and had to have my spleen partially removed, but fuck if I’m wasting a beer or getting my new jacket wet,” Cooper stated between sips of a beer from a straw. “The Guinness Book of World Records was vehemently uninterested in identifying this as a world record, but I’m having trouble finding any evidence that suggests I didn’t hit that mark.”

At press time, Cooper was observed riding a hospital bed down a hill aimed at the window of a nearby pub.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Western Leaders Worry About Putin’s Mental State After Speech Explaining That Real Emo Refers to Emotional Hardcore That Came From the DC Area Scene

Posted on March 16, 2022 by Andrew Murphy

LANGLEY, Va. — American intelligence analysts are increasingly fearful that Putin’s mental situation is worsening after a statement to Russian state media about what constitutes “real emo,” confirmed multiple officials who found themselves agreeing with the despot.

“Bands like My Chemical Romance are not emo,” said Putin during a four-hour-long speech where he went over a full emo timeline and never once mentioned the war in Ukraine. “They display none of the experimental song structures and unguarded emotionalism of bands like Rites of Spring and Embrace. The influence of social media like Myspace bastardized a sound heavily influenced by legitimate mid-Western emo, and now we are left with garbage that is not suitable for human consumption. Western Imperialist Mall Emo must be stopped.”

The CIA frantically attempted to scrutinize the speech, hoping to find some detail as to Putin’s mental state and objectives in Ukraine.

“We have no idea why Putin is choosing to make this stand now. He’s sounding more and more like a 50-year-old Reddit user who is upset about the When We Were Young lineup,” said CIA Spokesman Walter Taylor. “Russia has been investing heavily in new tanks and cyber warfare, but he’s also been buying stuff like a first pressing copy of ‘Yank Crime’ by Drive Like Jehu and a rare Braid long sleeve. This is not the behavior of somebody who is doing well. If we don’t intervene we could see eBay and Discogs prices reach new levels.”

While Putin’s obsession with early emo comes as a surprise to many, gatekeeping the genre is not a new phenomena.

“Like Russia, the exact boundaries of emo have always been contentious. Both have erratic structures and rampant depression. Also, emo and Russia prospered in the early 2000s but were never taken seriously. Putin resents the wealth and success of the western powers who ignore and mock Russia, just like major labels rejected Gray Matter or Moss Icon,” said Micheal Kowalski, author of Shred My Diary: NAFTA, First Wave Emo and the Last Gasp of Pre-9/11 Post-Hardcore. “Also neither of them has any money.”

The CIA also believes that Russia’s social media propaganda wing might be behind a recent onslaught of social media clickbait blaming Hilary Clinton for Jawbreaker’s decision to sign with a major label.

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Plot Twist: This Woman With Die Antwoord Hair Is a Republican

Posted on March 16, 2022 by John Danek

You should never judge a book by its cover. That said, you should always judge a person by how they cover their head. Usually, a haircut tells you everything you need to know about a person. Do they have a mohawk? Then they are clearly into punk rock. Or they’re Native American. Or they’re Travis Bickle. Do they have a faux hawk? Then they work in finance and they love the movie “Out Cold.”

So when we were recently alerted to a particularly unique case of mismatched hairstyle to personality, we jumped at the opportunity to blow one stereotype out of the water. A woman whose hair closely resembles Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord is, shockingly, not an anarchic performance artist or radical bookstore owner, but rather a Republican campaign coordinator.

Irene Cordoba’s hair is bleached vibrant white and has incredibly blunt bangs in the front, yet flows in the back like a mullet in the Appalachians.

“A lot of people see my hair and think ‘She knows her way around an espresso machine,’ but nope! I know my way around the geopolitical defense machine much better,” said Irene, who has worked for Congressional Republicans like Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, and Lauren Boebert. “Just because I have an aggressively confrontational hairdo doesn’t mean I can’t believe in the benefits of small government and hyper-individualism.”

Neighbors first noticed the discrepancy between appearance and virtues when they saw the Wall Street Journal being delivered to Cordoba’s apartment. But Irene’s surprising proclivities aren’t limited to just her career or political beliefs.

“One of my favorite bands of all time is Rage Against the Machine. But just the instrumentation. I wish they’d just shut up and play,” admitted Cordoba. “Also, I’m a big Noam Chomsky fan, but just because he’s super hot. I think all his ideas are moronic.”

Irene also reportedly has an “ACAB” tattoo on her right shoulder blade. But unlike the popular acronym for “All Cops Are Bastards,” she states that her acronym stands for “All Conservatives Are Beautiful.”

Singer Pressured to Improve Stage Banter After Bassist Learns “Seinfeld” Theme

Posted on March 16, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

NEW YORK — Local band Junk Cat’s vocalist Ron Stallinger is at odds with his bassist who recently learned how to play the opening theme from “Seinfeld,” causing him to become self-conscious about his stage banter abilities, petty and indifferent sources confirmed.

“It’s just like her to do this kind of shit,” Stallinger complained as he shuffled through a stack of index cards he wanted to have memorized for the next show. “Normally we just introduce ourselves, plow through the set, and bounce. But this fucking asshole comes into rehearsal like a whirling dervish slapping and popping like a maniac. If she pulls that shit at a show, I’ve gotta at least have a bit about traffic, or owning a cat, or how there are too many toothbrushes to choose from these days. Otherwise, we’re dead in the water. Worrying about our setlist is hard enough. Now I gotta make sure I don’t bomb between songs.”

Junk Cat’s resident four-banger Billie Glass sees things differently and insists that Stallinger is overreacting.

“I had just picked up a new set of strings, and ‘Seinfeld’ showed up on my Netflix queue,” Glass stated. “I learned the theme song that Jerry and the gang were introduced with week after week as a joke to make the guys in the band laugh. Between songs we were joshing around about cereal, lines at the deli, and other trivial stuff. It was a riot! But Ron just sat in the corner staring me down as if to say ‘what the fuck are you trying to do to me, Bill?’ The whole vibe was off the rest of the night, so we all packed up and went home early.”

Slap bass expert Theodore Funke warns of the dangers of playing the “Seinfeld” theme to a crowd full of people.

“Ron is right to be concerned, and it’s a slippery slope that he has every right to want to avoid. When people hear the opening hear that bass lick they turn into animals. Women try doing their best Elaine dance impersonations. People start chanting incessantly about airplane food, and the band falls apart on stage,” said Funke. “The best remedy is to switch Billie’s strings out with a set of flatwounds. She’ll be stopped dead in her tracks the second she strikes down with her thumb, and she’ll never know what hit her.”

At press time, Stallinger was seen workshopping bits about reheating leftovers at a nearby open mic.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Opinion: Passing Out On The Neighbor’s Lawn Technically Counts As Camping

Posted on March 15, 2022 by James Knapp

I’ve always been the outdoorsy type. There’s nothing I love more than wrapping myself in a dirty flannel and striking out into the wild, untamed beauty of nature to get back in touch with my adventurous spirit.

Or at least I did, before my jerkass neighbor filed a police report against me for blacking out in the grass next to his kid’s backyard swing set. I guess some people just don’t appreciate roughing it the same way that I do.

What does he think, just because I didn’t go to a campsite and get a permit and have any camping equipment that it doesn’t count as camping? To that, I would like to point out the line in my Tinder bio that reads “avid naturalist.” Maybe he can think about that the next time he wants to say that drinking thirty beers and throwing up in his kid’s sandbox isn’t conservationism. I’m returning nutrients to the earth, fuckface!

Still though, I’m understanding. I suppose I could see how he would view it as an inconvenience that I used all of his patio furniture for firewood. And the blood on my hands from trying to learn to whittle did attract several bears that still haven’t left his property. But that’s all just a part of the outdoors experience. You gotta learn to adapt, dude.

And yes, I am aware that the bears also killed the guy’s cat. Look, I’m not happy about it either, but that’s the circle of life. Just grab another one from the shelter and tell your little weiner kid to stop crying already — it’s loud and I have a hangover.

Anyway, I guess I’ll just have to accept that not everyone is as free-spirited and open to experiencing nature as I am. In the meanwhile, I’ll just go ahead and add “expert hiker” to my Tinder bio as well, since apparently I walked all the way to Wendy’s while blacked out for Baconators and spicy nuggets.

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