Press "Enter" to skip to content

CDC Releases New Guidelines On Communal St. Patrick’s Day Puke Bucket

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention director Rochelle Walensky released a new set of guidelines for St. Patrick’s Day revelers prepared to barf their guts into shared puke buckets.

“As we enter a new phase of battling COVID-19 we want to make sure everyone remains safe as they consume countless shots of cheap Irish whiskey and attempt to fight a guy twice their size,” said Walensky. “We want to remind everyone that the safest place to spew is in the privacy of your own home in your own toilet. But we know that’s often not possible, so if you do need to ralph into a dirty bucket at a bar just make sure you keep your face at least 18 inches from the rim to avoid splashback, and make sure you have an Altoid handy to mask that awful stench left in your mouth before standing two inches from the bartender you’re yelling at.”

Freckled drunks across the country admitted they were a little confused by the new CDC announcement.

“Those idiot scientists don’t know shit. My dad was a science teacher and he knows way more about science than those science idiots,” said Boston resident Ryan Doyle while drinking Guinness from a milk jug. “Last month they were saying everyone needs to carry their own barf bucket, now it’s ok for us to all puke in the same bucket? Um, hello, Earth to morons—that doesn’t make any sense. All I know is that COVID took the only holiday I love from me for the past two years, so I have to make up for a lot of lost time.”

Bar managers were thankful for the new guidelines and to be back to regular business.

“The food and drinks industry has been under so much pressure. I almost had to shut down my bar on multiple occasions but we made it through and people will basically pay anything to get drunk in public again,” said bar owner Tammy Steiner. “The state dropped our indoor mask mandate so we expect a lot of projectile vomit. I have multiple buckets set up around the bar with hand sanitizer readily available for anyone that wipes their mouth with their palm. I’ve missed this.”

Walensky also noted the CDC is creating a new section of their website with an updated list of excuses a person can use in the post-COVID hook-up world to leave in a hurry without hurting any feelings.