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“Careful Out There, It’s Amateur Night!” Says Man About To Break Own Neck During Keg Stand

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local man Jerrod Wader was seen advising caution to a group of friends leaving his home during a St. Patrick’s Day party just hours before severely injuring himself in an alcohol-related incident, sources report.

“Aw yeah. It’s a nightmare out there on these drinking holidays. Especially when you have all these college kids out who can barely hold their booze,” explained Wader as a friend taped a 40 oz. of Olde English 800 to each of his hands. “Honestly, I don’t even know what’s so special about St. Patrick’s Day. I pound about a 30 pack a day before, during, and after work, so I’m basically a pro at this point, not like these baby amateurs who only come out to drink ‘to have a good time.’ What a bunch of assholes.”

A friend of Wader’s, Greg Barry, expressed gratitude for having a safe place to enjoy the holiday.

“Duuuuuuuuuude! Jerrod’s the best, man. I’m so pumped that I get to be here instead of bar crawling with all those fuckin’ newbs,” said Barry, “I can chug an entire pint of whiskey and not even have worry about drunking my car drive. Can you believe these kids just risking it all for some overpriced green beer?”

“Is just sad an I can’t eben imagine how bad…” he added, before wandering into a nearby closet.

Long time neighbor, Cecilia Dawkins, lamented the nuisance caused by Wader’s seemingly non-stop partying.

“Alcohol poisoning, fights, lacerations from failed attempts at Edward Fortyhands, ‘Tubthumping’ playing at ear-splitting volumes… I’ve seen and heard it all,” sighed a visibly exhausted Dawkins. “Last week I almost tripped over a guy who passed out on my porch. It’s ridiculous and it’s only getting worse. At this point, I’m relieved it’s St. Patrick’s Day because at least maybe some of the water he sprays on college kids passing by will accidentally make it into his system.”

In a scene that was described as ‘epic’ by attendees of the party, Wader was being carried away in a neck brace on a stretcher.