The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Viewing of Latest Pixar Movie Again Ends with Child Comforting Crying, Hysterical Parent

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Patrick Coyne

SMYRNA, Tenn. — Local toddler Lana Findlay was forced once again to play the parent and comfort her hysterical mom and dad following the viewing of yet another devastating Pixar movie, sources close to the family confirmed.

“Oh boy, not a anothaw one,” explained the 4-year-old through her adorable speech impediment. “Last summer when we watched Toy Story 3 I was up all night with Momma and Dadda as they just cwied and cwied about Andy saying goodbye to his toys. I just don’t get the big deal. They know the toys don’t disappear when the movie’s over, right? As someone that recently mastered object permanence, I twied to explain that to them, but they kept sobbing.”

Lana’s mom Carys Findlay offered her adult perspective on the 3D animated films.

“It’s nice that there’s sophisticated kid’s entertainment nowadays, unlike the low-rent Hulk Hogan vehicles and glorified toy commercials of my childhood. But our Lana is too young to get the deep emotional wounds these movies reopen. For her, ‘Inside Out’ is just funny, talking inanimate objects and bright, flashing colors. For me and my husband it’s existential dread, mental illness, and reminders of our mortality,” said the young child’s mother. “I just hope she can hang onto his innocence for as long as she can. I’ll never forget the exact moment I ‘grew up,’ when Artax died in ‘The Never Ending Story.’ That was the day I gave up my dreams of owning a horse farm and instead started emulating Brenda from ‘90210’ like every other dead inside Millennial tween.”

But while most view Pixar films as innocent animated trauma, an anonymous source recently revealed the ‘truth’ behind the film studio.

“An internal memo that only the most senior execs, as well as certain members of the Bilderberg secret society, have seen dictates that every Disney and Pixar movie must include enough fucked up shit to emotionally destroy parents, creating voids in their souls that can only be filled with landfill fodder like toys and DVDs, as well as $16 Mickey-shaped ice cream sandwiches at Disney World,” explained the whistleblower. “You don’t get it, man. This shit goes all the way to the top. Walt’s frozen head still dictates the content of the movies. And it started with that horrifying donkey seen from ‘Pinnochio.’”

At press time, Disney and Pixar announced their latest, family-friendly film entitled “Series of lovable, wide-eyed Senior Dogs Being Put to Sleep.”

The Child Labor Used To Make Kid’s Toys Was Better in the 90s

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

Is it just me or do pretty much all children’s toys suck ass now? I get very little pleasure from these new big-eyed beanie baby pieces of shit and these new-age Tomodachi’s that barely soul-bond with their owners. Sure, I may be in my 30s and, sure, I’m probably seeing things through nostalgia-colored glasses, but I think it’s fair to say that whatever sweatshop full of kids making toys today clearly doesn’t have their shit together. Not like the child labor we had in the 90s back when things were awesome.

In the 90s, children across the globe were exploited for their cheap labor and small hands to make the COOLEST toys. Barbies, Legos, Polly Pocket and Mighty Max, Stretch Armstrong. I could list these things all day. But ever since the twin towers went down, I’ve noticed there are fewer toys available for someone like me who enjoys watching really buff turtles fight radioactive warthogs and disembodied brains. The stuff that’s available now? All garbage clearly made by lazy zoomers. Well, maybe not zoomers. Whatever generation comes next. Lazy bastards.

It really takes the love out of a product when you know the child who made the toy didn’t truly have their heart in it.

And don’t get me started on fidget spinners and other sensory toys! Back in my day, the 90s in case you forgot, we had analog bubble wrap made from the same material as plastic bags. We’d pop them once and then throw that shit away so it could naturally go back to the sea and keep the sea turtle population at bay, just as God intended.

Kids today don’t know what they’re missing. They didn’t get to experience the treasures of troll dolls or any of the other perfectly crafted toys made for 90s kids BY 90s kids. Nowadays kids are coddled with safety precautions and outlawed chemicals. Except for the kids making the toys, of course.

Band Staying Together for the Merch

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS – An $1,800 investment in assorted band merchandise is forcing cash-strapped members of hardcore band Dead Popes Society to play shows until they turn a profit, those being harassed to buy XXL tee shirts and beanies confirm.

“Being around my bandmates is taking years off of my life, but breaking up before we sell all this product would be financially devastating,” bass player Andrea McDougal reluctantly admitted while taking long drags on a cigarette. “I straight up don’t want to play music with these fucking morons anymore, but as long as we can play loud, aggressive music on a stage the size of a hotel shower without killing each other, we should be able to sell the merch and go our separate ways amicably. Besides, our merch guy really deserves a band. He shouldn’t have to go to multiple shows every weekend until he graduates college.”

When questioned about the situation, guitarist and de facto band manager Ben Simpson was skeptical of the plan to stay together until everything sells.

“First off, nobody listened to me and we ended up making the weirdest fucking merch. I told them that shoelaces, swim trunks, and butt plugs wouldn’t sell, but they ordered it anyway. They also insisted on designing everything, so the shirts look like they came from Wish.com,” Simpson ranted during a soundcheck. “I’m pretty sure this box of weird, ill-fitting merch is preventing us from moving on with our lives. At this point, I’m willing to move back in with my parents if it means I don’t have to sell fitted hats, flags with our band name spelled wrong, and short-sleeve hooded sweatshirts in the corner of a VFW anymore.”

Fashion sales consultant Dana Martin believes the band is unwisely flooding the market with products while demand is low.

“Shutting down and running away is the most American thing a business can do. Besides, who wants to buy this stuff right now?” Martin asked while holding up a Dead Popes Society silk robe. “This will only sell after the band becomes a nostalgia act. At that point, everyone will forget how bad the band is, so it won’t matter that the shirts smell weird and leave a rash on your chest.”

At press time, the band’s plan to mint NFTs and launch a cryptocurrency has stalled because the members refuse to speak directly to one another unless they’re standing in front of a room full of people.

Electric Bill Somehow Includes Ticketmaster Service Fees

Posted on March 14, 2022 by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Local City Light customer Jacqui Drisdale noticed Ticketmaster service charges on her monthly electric bill, sources who just can’t seem to evade these gratuitous fees no matter what they do, confirmed.

“This must be what the electric company meant when they said I could go paperless or pick up my physical statement at will-call,” said Drisdale before flipping the bill over to the back to discover even more seemingly unrelated costs. “A $4 facility fee I can see, a $6 service fee is pushing it, and $12 for something called ‘manual electricity handling’ just seems like a thing they made up to milk me for more money. Honestly, there really shouldn’t be some sort of bureaucratic middleman getting in between me and my electricity. Enough is enough.”

The entertainment ticket giant defended the charges.

“Technically you order tickets online using electricity, so clearly we’re entitled to at least some sort of compensation on your utility bills for our troubles,” said Ticketmaster spokesperson Bernie Trailman before hopping on a call with shareholders to discuss future plans to tack on fees to every water bill in the nation. “Sure, it may look like we’re coming up with these fees out of thin air, but I assure you that each one has its own unique yet highly top-secret purpose. Also, these extra costs are helping us stay in business. If we had to shut down, all ticket proceeds would just go directly to artists, entertainers, and venues. What kind of business model is that?”

Experts painted a bleak picture of the current state of administrative fees.

“Corporations are slowly encroaching onto every part of our everyday lives, including entertainment and utilities alike,” said amateur historian Julie Davepowder. “That means their ridiculous fees are too. And it’s not like there’s any way to avoid them either. The only way to effectively bypass extra fees on concert ticket purchases is to not buy tickets at all. Hell, just the other day I had to pay $3.50 in Ticketmaster fees at the door of an otherwise free basement show. How they were able to pull that one off I’ll never know.”

In related news, Drisdale noticed a slew of pointless StubHub fees on her Trader Joe’s grocery receipt before vowing to never look too closely at receipts or bills ever again.

American Police Donate Water, Tear Gas to Russian Law Enforcement Pummeling Protesters

Posted on March 14, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Police precincts across the country are joining forces to send supplies of water, body armor, and tear gas to help Russian cops in their battle against people peacefully protesting war in Ukraine, multiple sources with Punisher logos on their uniforms confirmed.

“I was seeing some of the footage coming from Russia and it was making me sick,” said Craig Lally, the leader of the Los Angeles police union. “These brave officers are going into battle wearing body armor from 2019. There is much better equipment on the market these days and they need to be fully equipped if they want to take down every college student or senior citizen standing still and holding a cardboard sign. If I could still get a passport I’d be there in Moscow with them I would book a ticket right now.”

Russian police officers were stunned by the outpouring of generosity from their American counterparts.

“These demonstrations have been exhausting for everyone on the force. We tried to explain to the protesters that there was no war and that Ukrainians want to be bombed,” said special operations officer Sergei Popov through an interpreter. “When they didn’t listen we had no choice, we had to start clubbing them in the knees with our batons and firing live rounds into the air to scare them off. We started running out of handcuffs and zip ties after these first three days but then we got a very generous shipment from America that even had a signed photo from Steven Seagal.”

Some Republican voters are still coming to terms with the right’s changing views of Putin, but their love of law enforcement.

“I just want to make sure all those Russian cops are safe out there enforcing the law. If the protesters don’t want to be beaten senseless then they should just stay home,” said Bakersfield, California resident Ernie Leprey. “Russia was one of the only countries that supported President Trump and I want to make sure I support all the hard-working politicians and police officers that make Russia so great. I looked into moving there when Sleepy Joe stole the election but I was stonewalled by the corrupt Democrats that run California. No surprise there.”

With nearly 15,000 protesters having already been arrested, Russian leaders are now attempting to reach out to American politicians to get advice on how to keep so many people behind bars.

We Sat Down With A Godsmack Fan Because We Accidentally Wandered Into The ROTC Office

Posted on March 14, 2022 by John Danek

College rules. That’s why people wear shirts that just say COLLEGE on them. You can do whatever you want. For example, instead of using the money my mom sent for a winter jacket, I bought a liquid jacket in the form of a Jagermeister handle. This all seemed like a good idea until we got a little too tipsy on a Friday afternoon and accidentally walked into the ROTC office in the student union while looking for the bathroom.

Here is a chat with the diehard Godsmack fan we found blasting “I Stand Alone” inside.

THE HARD TIMES: Oh, woah, sorry. Thought this was the bathroom.
GODSMACK FAN: No worries! Actually, we have a bathroom here. Why don’t you come on in?

No thanks. Didn’t mean to disturb you.
Woah! What a coincidence. Disturbed is probably my second favorite band of all time, after Godsmack of course. Ok, if you had to choose, which is better: Faceless, or the self-titled album?

I’m gonna be honest, nu-metal isn’t really my fav-
I haven’t seen the Smack live since before COVID. Freakin’ bullcrap. But I have tickets to see them at 102.9 The Hog Fest. Three Days Grace is playing too! Do you want to play Call of Duty?

I’m more of a Stardew Val-
Great, pick up the sticks right there. We’re playing team deathmatch online. Just curious, how are you planning on paying for college?

My mom is helping a bit. And I have some loans. I don’t know the controls for Call of Duty.
You’ll get the hang of it. Just get a killstreak and call in the gunship. What if I told you there was an easy way to pay for college and see the world? And arguably the best part is that literally everyone loves Godsmack too. You’ll hear it in the barracks, during training, in vehicles. It literally never gets old.

I’m planning on just joining my dad’s law firm.
Okay sure, but what if Keith David told you all that stuff, over a Godsmack banger of course.

That would be more compelling, dude has a cool ass voice, but again, I’m all set.
Well if you need any more incentive, you get more free camo than you can possibly imagine. Clothes, backpacks, everything.
Oh, shit. That’s actually tight… damn, sign me up.

“She’s The Nancy to My Sid,” Says Bassist Who, Hopefully, Has No Idea What He Is Talking About

Posted on March 14, 2022 by Alexandra Johnson

PHOENIX, Ariz. — Local bassist and film studies drop-out Will Levey reportedly refers to his new love interest, Allison Alonzo, as “the Nancy to my Sid,” sources who hope he’s not exactly sure what a phrase like that might mean, confirmed.

“Every star needs his muse that is totally and unabashedly defined by his existence. Our aesthetic as a couple will define my music for a lifetime,” explained Levey. “John had Yoko. Tommy Lee had Pamela Anderson. When I saw her at my band Boot Dirt’s basement house show last week, I knew that she was, like, the Ramona Flowers to my Scott Pilgrim. We fight and scream and yell with a passion that only musicians and their girlfriends could understand. That’s how I know she’s the one this year.”

Alonzo is reportedly flattered by the comparison, and aims to finish watching the film that inspired the comparison “pretty soon.”

“‘Sid and Nancy’ is a cult classic. I think cult classic movies have the most accurate portrayal of healthy, loving, and successful relationships,” she explained. “When Jason Dean from Heathers said their love was god when he killed those kids? Or when Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles trades his unconscious girlfriend for a pair of Sam’s underwear? I’m so lucky to have watched and romanticized these films at such a young and impressionable age. I bet the ending of Sid and Nancy embodies that.”

Some of the new couple’s friends are hesitant to accept the foundation that Levey and Alonzo have built their love upon.

“Honestly, I am worried Will and Allison have blurred the line between what they think are fictional characters and real people while chasing a joint aesthetic,” announced mutual friend Lana Wood. “I’m not confident that either of them actually knows who Sid and Nancy were or how that whole thing played out, or that that movie is based on a true story. It hurts me to see people glorify drug use and inappropriate behavior with a paramour. I can only approve of the toxic relationships I get in, not other people’s. It’s called being a good friend.”

At press time, the couple had broken up for the eighth time.

Photo by Jana Miller.

“She’s The Nancy to My Sid,” Says Bassist Who, Hopefully, Has No Idea What He Is Talking About

Posted on March 14, 2022 by Alexandra Johnson

Alonzo is reportedly flattered by the comparison, and aims to finish watching the film that inspired the comparison “pretty soon.”

Some of the new couple’s friends are hesitant to accept the foundation that Levey and Alonzo have built their love upon.

At press time, the couple had broken up for the eighth time.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Review: Cannibal Corpse “Eaten Back to Life”

Posted on March 13, 2022 by Bobby Korec

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Eaten Back to Life,” the 1990 debut from death metal pioneers Cannibal Corpse.

Everyone remembers exactly where they were the moment they experienced a Cannibal Corpse album cover for the first time. This is commonly referred to as death metal 9/11. My initiation was no different.

There I was flipping through the Candlebox section at Tower Records as I did every week hoping to find a Japanese import of their self-titled album (don’t even act like “Far Behind” doesn’t still rip) when all of the sudden the Candlebox vinyl I was carefully perusing unexpectedly switched over to the Cannibal Corpse inventory without warning. The divider that typically separates each band’s records was curiously missing. Alphabetically speaking, very serendipitous.

That’s when I laid my eyes on the Corpse’s very first release titled “Eaten Back to Life.” It immediately struck me that this was not your everyday cover depicting the undead feasting on its own rotting intestines with blood and guts spilling over its relatively intact jeans. No. It was so much more.

I mean, for the first time in my life I had forgotten why I had even stepped foot into Tower Records in the first place before eventually remembering I was there to complete my collection of rare Candlebox records. But I couldn’t look away from that Cannibal Corpse cover. Candlebox just never put in this level of effort on their album art. The best they gave us was a somewhat blurry photo of them surrounded by an assortment of chrysanthemums.

I just had to know if the tracklist lived up to the artwork, so I flipped “Eaten Back to Life” to the back and let me tell you I was not disappointed. From “Edible Autopsy” to “Rotting Head” to the other nine brutally named tunes, you’ve got to admit that Candlebox did not have a brand this succinct.

I bought a copy of “Eaten Back to Life” without ever hearing it before. The sound of the record immediately seemed off. I thought maybe the rpm on my record player was set to the wrong speed because they were playing too fast and the vocals were muffled. Turns out that’s just Cannibal Corpse being Cannibal Corpse.

But anyway, what I heard was some pretty evil and downright satanic material, so I went to my backyard, whipped out the lighter fluid, and set fire to my Candlebox collection. I didn’t need them anymore. I had found my new Candlebox.

Score: Five out of five maggot-filled skulls.

/**/

Nickelodeon Executives Still Use Old Legends of the Hidden Temple Set for Ritual Sacrifices

Posted on March 13, 2022 by David Arriaga

ORLANDO, Fla. — An alarming new report revealed that Nickelodeon executives have been using the set of ‘90s game show “Legends of The Hidden Temple” for ritual sacrifices designed to appease the gods of children’s entertainment.

“Back when the show was airing, we always had a seventh sacrificial team of kids that we edited out of the final show. This would set us up for a strong ratings ‘harvest.’ Plus, we could feed the scraps to Olmec. So it was a win-win,” said David Bittler Sr. VP at Nickelodeon. “These days Nick murders interns. We pick a random corporate buzzword and the first one to say it gets dragged to the altar by the temple guards. This week’s phrase is “at the end of the day.’”

Considering the traumatic events, very few of “The Legend of The Hidden Temple” contestants actually remember being on the show.

“The whole thing was a blur. First, They locked us in a waiting room for hours with the temple guards. They would chant something about sacrifice for the greater good and honorable death,” claimed former contestant Ely Kreimendahl. “Then during the game, as I slid the head onto the silver monkey idol I swear I could hear screaming and saw blood dripping out of Olmec’s eyes. Finally, I remembered one of the temple guards grabbing my shoulder before relinquishing and saying ‘this is not the one’ before offering me a gift certificate for a free pair of British Knights sneakers.”

Mike Lazzo, former Executive VP of Adult Swim explained that this is a common practice in the TV industry.

“I know how it might sound, but it’s pretty standard to boost ratings with a ritual blood sacrifice,” said Lazzo. “Unless you’ve been in the live audience for ‘Price is Right’ you’d have never heard the sound of a losing contestant’s bones being crushed into dust by the big wheel. Over at Adult Swim, we practice a more ethical ego death by force-feeding all the unpaid staff members a potent cocktail of psychedelic mushrooms, LSD, and Ayahuasca.”

In related news, Orlando police officers were horrified recently upon discovering over 46 malnourished former contestants of ‘Nick Arcade’ that had been trapped inside a video game cabinet for the past 30 years.

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Eaten Back to Life,” the 1990 debut from death metal pioneers Cannibal Corpse.

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