ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local dad Will Lowe somehow managed to accidentally “reply all” the national emergency alert test FEMA sent to all devices in America moments ago, humiliated family members confirmed.
“I was trying to text my wife, asking if she’d pick up some Better Cheeses while she was at the store. At least that’s who I thought I was messaging. Turns out I was replying to about 330 million people who were not happy to hear from me,” said Lowe while trying to figure out how to deactivate his phone. “Yeah, I really stepped in it with this one. Almost immediately my kids started texting me those funny little faces and reminding me that ‘Better Cheeses’ isn’t a real brand. But that wasn’t as bad as the thousands of death threats I got from all the people I texted. My phone got so hot it actually burned my hand.”
Brett Charles, a dad from Indianapolis, was furious to see this message arrive.
“First off, this is a blatant invasion of privacy by the government, which just confirms all those rumors about 5G I’ve been hearing. And then, to add insult to injury, I get this green message on my phone! Do you know how hard I’ve worked to boot every Android out of my group texts? So of course I immediately texted back calling the guy a dickless moron and demanding to be unsubscribed,” said Charles, still breathing heavily and shaking slightly. “This was followed up by a string of name-signed-texts asking that I refrain from messaging further and that they be unsubscribed too. At this point, I was seeing red, so I did the only thing I could: I shot back a lengthy text asking that they all refrain from texting me further.”
Demi Bailey, a long-time government employee, has worked on this project for several years.
“Look, we did get a number of bids for some pretty robust systems that would deliver these messages in a private and secure manner. But as you know, we are required to accept the lowest bid, which was basically just some guy who put every phone number in a spreadsheet and then sent a giant group text,” said Bailey. “I admit it was not the most elegant solution, but we’re just excited to finally be using some new technology. When these proposals were submitted, we required they be mailed on floppy disks.”
At press time, FEMA confirmed that millions of dads texting each other to stop texting had crashed the Emergency Alert System and would require further testing.
Through the years we’ve seen Lucy take on a number of roles. She’s a Harvard-educated doctor. She’s a pilot. She’s a gourmet chef. Why does her identity change so often? Her real name is Maxine Cornocova, and she’s on the FBI’s most-wanted list for casino fraud.
When Angelica was hard up for cash she sold everything she owned to make ends meet. When that wasn’t enough she had to choose between her prized persian cat, or her kneecaps. Fluffy was sold to a good home, but she never recovered from the betrayal.
You don’t suddenly fall in love with and move to America for Charles Finster without becoming persona non grata at every casino in Europe first.
From an early age Kimi was always a fearless sort who tended to lep before she looked. She’s lost it all on black more often than the average person has moved.
It turns out bingo can get pretty high stakes.
We’re of course referring to all of the actors in the Reptar suit. They all gamble and none of their lives are going great.
Ever wonder what brought Minka here from the old country to begin with? That’s right, gambling debts.
One look at an in-the-box Cynthia doll vs. Angelica’s and you can see this doll is no stranger to hard living.
The stresses of single fatherhood coupled with his innate timidness alway made Charles feel like he wasn’t the main character in his own life. Then, one night at a charity event, he discovered that he had a knack for poker. Winning made him feel big, like a real somebody. He has wasted tens of thousands of dollars chasing that high.
Susie’s singing talents took her all the way to Vegas where her lounge singing would bring her close to fame. Unfortunately her favorite song became the siren call of the slot machines. Before long she was hooked, staying up all hours of the night chasing jackpots and blowing off gigs.
We all know Betty is an avid sports fan. A little too avid. The telltale black eye her husband Howard gets every year when her team get eliminated from the playoffs implies there’s some serious money on the line.
Charlotte’s access to Mega Corp’s books helped her cover her massive gambling losses betting on women’s tennis matches for many years, but eventually the feds caught up with her.
Warn down from years of trying to out-maneuver Charlotte on the corporate ladder, Jonathan sought solace in the one thing that gave him a sense of control—blackjack.
Being a timid person in a relationship with a big personality like Betty can be stressful, so every few months to blow off steam Howard drives to the bad part of town and drops in on a back alley dice game to feel alive. He is usually robbed and beaten, but that’s become a part of it for him.
Didi’s favorite child psychologist sure has a lot of products under his belt. Books, videos, his own pay per minute hotline. With all of that money coming in it’s shocking that he still burns through it faster than he can make it. Lipschitz sufferers from a condition known as “Greyhound fever,” and it’s caused him to see the backside of a bookies hand on more than one occasion.
We don’t care if several members of Guns N’ Roses eventually defended a song on this LP after the fact, saying that it was misunderstood, racist and homophobic verbiage is NEVER ok, so this album HAD to be ranked last, and we don’t care if it has one of their ten best singles, “Patience.” Because we don’t have any “patience” (see what we did there?) for bigotry. There is a reason they left that song off future releases. Anyway, onto the fun stuff, which is unfortunately tainted with “Used to Love Her,” which is also offensive in a non-funny way, but way less so than “One in a Million,” “G N’ R Lies” is an album so wild that it includes the band’s initials in its name and that’s all we have to say about that.
Even though Guns N’ Roses’ fifth studio album “The Spaghetti Incident?” features a question mark in its title, unlike “G N’ R Lies,” there are few things questionable about this fun cover song LP except for its hidden Charles Manson song track, “Look at Your Game, Girl.” We’re quite curious as to what Quentin Tarantino, fan of both spaghetti westerns and writer/director of the underrated film “Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood,” featuring both a fictionalized and truthful account of Manson and the late-Sharon Tate, thinks about this record which features GNR interpretations of songs by The Skyliners and Johann Sebastian Bach’s son, Albie, who surprisingly is not related to the singer of Skid Row, Sebastian Bach Mozart Rachmaninoff Ludwig Ludacris Beethoven. You likely got this CD in a bargain bin, or through Columbia House’s penny priced mail-order music club, but it’s worth at least one thousand times that!
We most certainly know that much about this album’s creation, costs, long-ass history, and often polarizing lore have been publicly and privately maligned since the mid-to-late nineties, and we are not making any predictable low-hanging fruit jokes about the delay. If the entire world only knew how good “Chinese Democracy” is, there would be far better and informed witticisms, and far more streams/sales for this record. Thankfully the band, even though most of its members had nothing to do with this LP, still plays songs from it live, and even the I.R.S., and not Irwin R. Schyster, father of the late, great Bray Wyatt, likely needs to audit newfound royalties from this studio album, which is Guns N’ Roses’ last as of now. In closing, special shoutouts are warranted for Bumblefoot, Buckethead, and Buckcherry for their outstanding musically dense work here!
“Use Your Illusion II” is a fantastic, yet slightly worse sequel to its prequel “Use Your Illusion I,” but sadly just isn’t on the level of “Sister Act: Back in the Habit,” in that the Whoopi Goldberg, Lauryn Hill, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Carrot Top film had no filler whatsoever. None. As you know or now know, Guns N’ Roses is forever marred with controversy, so the overly vulgar, if that’s a thing, song, if it could be called that, as it is more of a diss track, “Get in the Ring” could’ve been nixed along with several others here. One wonders if this LP and “Use Your Illusion I” were both reduced by more than a few songs to just one LP simply called “Use Your Illusion About Numbers That Aren’t Written In Roman Numeral Form” if said record would’ve been ranked at number one here! Don’t cry, alternates!
“Use Your Illusion II” may have a better opening song in “Civil War” than “Use Your Illusion I”’s “Right Next Door to Hell,” but I’s closer “Coma” is easily the best final album track in Guns N’ Roses’ catalog, and if we’re being honest, is in their top ten tracks. Said inclusion alone is enough to make I > II, but “November Rain” put this album in an even higher regard. Speaking of said song, and we don’t care if it’s uncool to say this, “November Rain” is the best GNR single, music video, song, and sonnet of the band’s career and don’t damn us for saying such. Like we alluded to before, there is some filler over the course of I and II, but in a form of the perfect crime, the former just had less spoiled/bad apples. Live. And. Let. Die. Don’t cry, originals!
Guns N’ Roses’ “Appetite for Destruction” is one of the best rock albums from the 20th century, and has an insanely insane amount of mega-mega-mega-hit after hit after hit singles, and killer-killer-killer-death after death after death deep cuts, thus making it one of the best debut LPs ever… By far! Because of such, we are listing no “skip it” tracks here, but will personally shout out the OGNR five-piece: W. Axl Rose on lead vocals/whines, Slash on lead guitar/hat, Izzy Stradlin, who eventually quit the group four years later, on rhythm guitar/anger, Duff “Rose” McKagan on bass guitar/being tall, and Steven Adler on drums/other things, who was ousted in 1990. In closing, this album said a huge F.U. to other ‘80s peers who spent way more time utilizing hairspray than rocking out.
Blowjob Bear’s first credited role was a brief scene in Arthur Penn’s neo-noir crime film, “Bonnie and Clyde.” If you keep a close eye on the bank heist scene in Joplin, Missouri, you can clearly see BB blowing a customer waiting in line before the police arrive for a shootout.
Aficionados of Neil Simon comedies often consider Blowjob Bear’s supporting role as a frustrated neighbor whose blowjobs keep getting interrupted by Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon’s antics to be a highlight of the subgenre.
Reportedly, Blowjob Bear was briefly considered to replace Sean Connery as James Bond, but producer Albert R. Broccoli cast Australian George Lazenby after seeing him in a Fry’s Chocolate Cream ad. BB was given the minor role of a Blofeld henchman, “Blobear,” instead.
The Norman Jewison adaptation of the smash hit stage musical is known for its stripped-down, nearly abstract set design, but more for Blowjob Bear’s stirring, layered performance as Caiaphas, the high priest and chief giver of head.
Blowjob Bear later expressed his embarrassment at appearing in the cult science fiction Sean Connery vehicle, but by the end of his life, had begun to speak of the film with more fondness, particularly the blowjobs.
Steven Spielberg made his feature directorial debut with this true-life crime thriller, which starred Goldie Hawn as desperate mother Lou Jean Poplin and Blowjob Bear as a guy in a bear suit who performs oral sex on the ghosts of debauched hotel guests.
The on-set battles between star Dustin Hoffman and Blowjob Bear were legendary, but not as legendary as BB’s portrayal of a rival standup comedian whose set was exclusively about going down on people while dressed as an animal.
According to Jack Nicholson, he was so impressed by Blowjob Bear’s performance as Nurse Ratched that he personally recommended him to Stanley Kubrick for “The Shining.” Kubrick called it the “worst casting [he] had ever seen.”
Sylvester Stallone denies Blowjob Bear had any involvement in the Oscar-winning screenplay of “Rocky,” but most film historians believe BB’s one-scene cameo as a fellow boxer and fan of blowjobs was an appreciative gesture for his uncredited script doctoring.
It’s one of the greatest lines of dialogue in Hollywood history: “The Blowjob will be with you. Always.”
By 1978, Blowjob Bear had fallen on hard times, exacerbated by his worsening addictions to cocaine and increasingly elaborate bear costumes. Still, this is considered one of the better-acted movies of Porn’s Golden Age.
Many critics felt that Stallone’s first “Rocky” sequel lacked the grit and realism of the original, but no less a critic than the New York Times’ Janet Maslin said of the movie: “Damn, that bear can suck dick.”
Blowjob Bear was cast in “Caddyshack” as a favor to Chevy Chase’s coke dealer, who just wanted to get him out of his crotch for 15 goddamn minutes.
Blowjob Bear’s scene with Dudley Moore reportedly took over 40 takes, but when that waiter turns around, and you see that it’s a bear giving a guy a blowie in a crowded restaurant, it was worth it.