RICHMOND, Va. — Self-proclaimed alpha male Tom Harrington was left fighting for his life in the ICU after accidentally touching an unopened box of tampons, flabbergasted doctors reported.
“I made my girlfriend get groceries for me because pushing shopping carts is for women and cucks. I just wanted to grab the dinosaur nuggies out of the bag, and I realized too late that I’d brushed my hand against a brand new Tampax box. How could she betray me by bringing such a disgusting feminine thing in my house? Oh God, it still burns!” said Harrington meekly through a ventilator. “I could feel myself getting weaker by the second, and after consulting several Andrew Tate videos I realized I was suffering from acute toxic beta shock. This is worse than the time I accidentally watched the ‘Barbie’ trailer.”
Harrington’s girlfriend was at a loss that something so innocuous would trigger such an extreme reaction.
“He literally crawled into the living room bawling and comparing his pain to childbirth when just two days ago he completely dismissed my period cramps. His reaction was so beyond insane, it feels like this is some sort of elaborate prank with bonus gaslighting. And for someone who is allegedly dying, he sure was adamant we not take my car to the ER because he thinks only pussies drive Honda Civics,” said Emily Trent. “And yes, I am absolutely breaking up with him in the next hour. It’s mindblowing he’d be so emasculated being in the presence of an unused tampon but won’t bat an eyelash over the fact he has a catheter shoved up his pee hole.”
Trauma ward doctors were confounded at how someone who posited themselves as a “real man” could exhibit such debilitating symptoms.
“It’s an epidemic really, the number of men whose psyches are so fragile that their bodies will literally shut down if they come into contact with anything feminine. We believe this a psychosomatic affliction that we’re calling Alpha Squib Syndrome, or ASS. Just the other day we had a patient exhibiting the symptoms of a brain parasite after inadvertently reading a poem,” said Dr. Michael Bauman. “We’ve attempted to discharge Mr. Harrington but he has insisted we keep running tests to ensure he doesn’t turn into a liberal. ASS, indeed.”
As of press time, Harrington’s doctors attempted an experimental treatment consisting of medically inducing a coma and then locking the door behind them.
Why would Cynthia get a face tattoo? Can you even imagine what the neighbors would think? No, no, that face tattoo isn’t for her. She’s already confident that the star tattoo on her ankle tells the world that she used to be a pretty bad bitch, if she does say so herself.
This kid doesn’t even know what a beverage is and you think he’s going to manage to pick out “Only god can judge” or some other Obama quote to tattoo across his forehead?
As someone who has never been to New Jersey, I can confidently confirm Colleen Cavielo is the most New Jersey. With her baked Ziti, that accent, and I’m assuming mob boss husband, she fits exactly with my preconceived notions based on the single episode of “The Sopranos” I watched 18 years ago. Anyway, she can’t get a face tattoo. She needs to keep her head down while the feds are sniffing around.
This Patty Daddy is wild as hell. But Patty Daddy wild is getting face paint of a cat tangled in a ball of yarn. Mr. Frond just isn’t cool enough to go for a terrible face tattoo.
That’s a no. Speedo Guy only wears roller skates and a speedo, that’s it. He just isn’t about covering anything up and when it comes to tattoos he always says “You don’t put bumper stickers on a Cadillac.”
Having a face tattoo limits this guy’s ability to con people in different markets. But I can confidently say he’ll fake a face tattoo for his series on how to get out of jury duty, “Count of Courts.”
No middle school in 2012 would have been complete without a sea of Tina-branded “I’m a smart, strong, sensual woman” t-shirts. But you know who should have been pictured on that shirt? Marshmallow. Does that mean she’s getting a face tattoo? No. If she wanted a terrible face tattoo, she’d probably have it already.
Chloe is the worst. Here’s my impression of Chloe: “me me me. I’m so great. Eww, I’m not gonna get a face tattoo.” That’s what she sounds like. She’s only on this list because Rudy invited her.
As much as I want to say Tina would get a majestic, anatomically correct horse galloping across her face, I know deep in my heart that it probably won’t happen. Unless of course the writers finally green light my genius spec where Tina displays mood swings and a massive character change because of an undiagnosed tumor. Don’t worry—it’s more upbeat than it sounds, and includes a musical number sung by the tumor. Ball is in your court Fox.
Ron looks just like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers to me. Do you know what Sutherland’s occupation was in that movie? Health inspector. Coincidence? I don’t know, but I find it more likely that Ron would be replaced by an alien than have his face tattooed.
Courtney’s dad makes jingles, and we all know what that means: he’s in “The Industry.” With all the connections her dad has, this industry baby is destined to be a number one star in the musical jingle world. Her future certainly includes sex, drugs, and songs that’ll make Grocery Outlet Bargain Market look like some hack only put a brand name to music. However, industry babies rarely get face tattoos.
Do I want Mort to embrace the darker side of coroner life and get full Norwegian black metal makeup permanently tattooed on his face? Yes. But would he? Honestly, it doesn’t matter—he’d still be toward the bottom, because this is a list of terrible face tattoos, and I honestly think this would be pretty badass.
How is J-Ju going to differentiate himself in the competitive world of dance? If you thought face tattoo, you’d be wrong. It’s going to be the tiniest little hot pants. Why get a poorly drawn portrait of Patrick Swayze on your face when you have the raw sex appeal of those big, juicy mounds barely contained in some bright pink spandex?
I can’t believe it, but Miss Labonz might be a badass. She’s stealing coffee filters and probably other office supplies from the teacher’s lounge. She’s been caught smoking behind the school. Also, I’m convinced teaching was only supposed to be a day job until her band took off. But thirty years later her dreams have been dashed, and so is any hope of her having McGruff the Crime Dog flashing you from her face.
Do you know what teachers are paid? I don’t think Ms. Jacobson could even afford a tattoo. And my unemployed best friend has, like, eight. That’s how little teachers make. Plus, I don’t know if you’re aware, but Ms. Jacobson is ridiculously good looking. Like, wow.
I think we all know the only reason why the staph-infected mats at the Capoeira Center for Capoeira are still in use is because of the Fabio running it. Until Fabio shows up in some Tom of Finland meets discount tattoo parlor romance novel, Jairo probably has to maintain his current look.
The only way this guy is getting a face tattoo is if he’s going undercover. Which is pretty unlikely because, have you seen this guy? That’s like asking Larry King to pose as a high schooler. I don’t care how young your new wife is, you don’t look 17. Bosco is still going to look like a cop no matter how many veiny one-eyed snakes you put on his face.
While he’s definitely interested in making a statement that people won’t be able to look away from, his dad is totally going to cut him off if he finally gets that face tattoo of a butchered Ronald McDonald that’s says “would you like fries with that?”
Edith and Harold are pretty close-minded. So it’s unlikely they would ever try butt stuff. And you know what? They’re missing out on a whole portal of pleasures that the good lord gifted us. And if they aren’t even up for a little taint tickling, they’re probably not going for face tattoos.
Would Linda straight up get a face tattoo? No, probably not. But would Linda audition for a local theater production as a streetwise gang banger and get one of those “made to fade” tattoos of a Bazooka Joe on her face because she asked for a tattoo that “y’know, a gun guy” might get, but the artist heard “gum guy,” and find out six months later that for some people those tattoos actually don’t fade as much as one might hope? It’s not out of the question.
Mr. Ambrose is the librarian we all wish we’d had: a gossipy bitch that doesn’t give a fuck. Mr. Ambrose also practices witchcraft, and if you ask me, that puts him awfully close to going in for some tasteful Wicka symbols around the eyes, but ending up with large Will Ferrell Bewitched-inspired tattoo because the artist found out Mr. Ambrose had been talking shit.
A band’s first album sometimes is a peak version of said act, and in other instances it foreshadows what the group is going to become, in a good to some and meh to others way. “Sounding the Seventh Trumpet” is more of the latter than the former, but overall, it’s still quite strong. A lot of people thought that Avenged Sevenfold was in the Christian club populated by Underoath, Emery, and Sons of Abraham because of this collection of songs’ title, which comes from the Book of Revelation, but it couldn’t be further from the truth, as the band has been practicing Dudeism since the Coen Brothers’ “The Big Lebowski” came out. What’s rad about this is that the band doesn’t preach or proselytize, knowing that said darkness surrounding verbiage will be an epic of time wasted… Through thick and thin, this band has morals that may surprise you!
Alright, it’s feather ruffling time now, or possibly said birds perished because of the previous mention about 76 trombones. Despite this LP containing the band’s highest public number of streams title track, any record after the perfect and dreamy “Nightmare” likely would’ve been at least a disappointment. “Hail to the King” was not only produced by Mike Elizondo of 50 Cent, Twenty One Pilots, and Winger fame, but it’s also the first and last A7X record to feature drummer Arin Ilejay, who played the kit like a technically proficient badass till his departure just two years later. “Hail to the King,” like all Avenged Sevenfold records, is great, but the royal family may take issue with its title, and most certainly, Prince “We Want Privacy” Harry, Duke of Sussex, and Megan Markle, Duchess of “Suits,” will make a tell-all Netflix documentary about it.
It’s a killer move to open an album with an eight-minute plus track, and close it with one approaching sixteen minutes; much respect to the band’s sunny disposition in a simulation era world populated by Neil deGrasse Tyson, and a Roman Sky creating our heavenly father, hallowed be thy name, the angel to the land, a typical example or pattern of something, and the best or worst Summer Stock Stage. It sounds like Avenged Sevenfold listened to a lot of progressive rock/metal between “Hail to the King” and this studio album in the best way possible. Concept albums can fall flat, but “The Stage” truly rises vertically, and if we’re being completely honest, we’re just happy that this one exists. Sincerely. Also of note, in a surprising move to everyone but Bleeding Through, A7X covers Creed’s hit “Higher” to perfection and you need to listen to it right now.
“Life Is But A Dream…,” A7X’s only album containing an ellipsis, and second LP featuring former Bad Religion, Bad4Good, and Bad Company drummer Brooks Wackerman, is easily their most polarizing release, and possibly one of the more loved yet maligned and maligned yet loved records in the metal world since Megadeth’s live acoustic album “St. Anger”. It’s openly weird AF, and we wish that we were a fly on the wall for Jethro Christianson III’s backwoods Missouri solo album listening party wherein Jethro threw the mp3s of this record into a wall that was clad with SARS, sawdust, and asbestos. We’re all about this. For lack of a better word, dreamy psychedelic masterpiece, yet we’re scared to try 5-MeO-DMT or 4-NotMeP-LOL like da boys in da band. Also, Avenged Sevenfold’s vocalist/frontman/svengal/bouncer M. Shadows publicly acknowledged that this album isn’t for everyone, but it may be for Y-O-U!
We know that you’re metaphorically going to burn us down and feel betrayed by this non-bronze, silver, or gold medal album ranking, spouting drivel that A7X’s major label debut should’ve been at the very least in the top three or two here, but the wicked strength of the world gives us permission to blind your faulty senses in chains, and eventually trash and scatter your newfound ashes all across your personal city of good, thus making our private country sponsored by evil. The boys look like they work out a lot in each of the music videos for this album’s singles. While the first single from “City of Evil,” “Burn It Down,” essentially didn’t, TRL played the hell out of its follow-up, “Bat Country,” which puts the Bat in “Bateaux,” and the five-piece earned enough royalties from this song/album to procure their own boats.
Sophomore slump? More like a second heartbeat, amirite! Anyway, Avenged Sevenfold’s breakout album “Waking The Fallen” introduced beginner, intermediate, and annoyed passerby guitarists at Guitar Center to the band, and deservedly so… The main riff is a radiant eclipse that could truly wake the fallen from eternal rest, and then you will see the ones that fell so graciously tonight twice whilst all things will begin, end, begin again, and eventually end! We know, like every ranking piece we do, our opinion is so, so wrong, and this album should so, so be number one, regardless of the fact that you don’t know what the hell a remenission is, and are a huge freaking poser… So, so much posing/posturing/positivism/postmodernism here! This record also has the distinction of being the last A7X release with “bleghs,” ogre noises, and “grrrs,” displeasing ardent idiots, and pleasing vocal coaches.
Self-titled albums could go any way under the sun, and self-produced efforts could fall any way below the earth’s core. It’s almost easy to rag on “Avenged Sevenfold” and the literal Avenged Sevenfold, but your hilarious comments are lost before they are found… This LP was apparently inspired by Disturbed’s set at Ozzfest, and that is not a joke! We would find ourselves scarfing at a little piece of heaven if you gave this succinct and fun record a chance, as it is ten tracks that inspire a confluence of emotions in the best way. Also, “Afterlife” is their best single, and “A Little Piece Of Heaven” is the band’s most grandiose and awesomest Tim Burton-inspired song that never got a chance for soundtrack placement and is way too #$%^ vulgar for a PG-13 rating, but not creepy enough for an NC-17 one like Elizabeth Berkley’s brilliant opus, “Showgirls”.
Before we get to the sad stuff, we have to shout out three current members of A7X that haven’t been mentioned yet here: Rhythm guitarist who can also masterfully play lead guitar, Zacky Vengeance, lead guitarist who is also an underrated singer, Synyster Gates, and badass bassist Johnny Christ. “Nightmare,” Avenged Sevenfold’s fifth/most superior album, is the first in their catalog without longtime drummer Jimmy “The Rev” Sullivan, who passed away in late-2009. However, the drum parts he wrote were executed flawlessly by former Dream Theater, and eventually former A7X drummer Mike Portnoy, who is a proud Long Beach High School alum on Long Island, New York, but we digress. In addition, The Rev’s vocal takes are featured on “Nightmare” as a loving and powerful tribute. In closing, “Save Me” is the best Avenged Sevenfold tune, and we will take that to the streets!
