CHICAGO — Taylor Swift concertgoer Noah Nussbaum was torn into dozens of bloody chunks of meat by dark, shrieking shadows in front of shocked onlookers after he attempted to throw his iPhone at the “Shake It Off” singer, sources confirm.
“The shadows came out of nowhere,” said Swiftie Eleanor Feist while the international pop star continued to play “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” from the stage. “They just surrounded him and ripped that kid into a million pieces. Part of his lungs got on my shoes. He just said ‘Watch this’ and lifted his phone, and all the shadows came alive and turned into dark hands that lifted him screaming into the air and flayed him alive. I didn’t have much time to think about it though because she was just about to get to the chorus and I had to sing it back as loud as humanly possible.”
Bruce Tadburn, a roadie on Swift’s Eras Tour, has seen the evisceration of a malcontent fan before.
“I’m not really sure what those…things are,” said Tadburn while looking around suspiciously. “In Arlington, they came for a girl in the crowd who was trying to film Taylor. She couldn’t have been more than 16 years old, and they couldn’t find enough of her to put in a Ziploc for the parents. And then in Houston, someone snuck backstage, and I’m told ‘their suffering will only end when the universe itself does.’ On the other hand, those shadows are awesome security and Taylor gave us all a huge bonus, so it kind of evens out.”
Tour manager Derricka Verbosa had little to say publicly about the nature of the avenging shadows who tore Nussbaum apart and sent an eerie chill into every person in a two-mile radius of Soldier Field.
“A star of Tay’s magnitude cannot rely on normal security,” said Verbosa, stubbing out a cigarette and staring into the cheering audience. “Especially with this awful trend of throwing things at performers. Taylor has had to enlist rather unconventional protection for this tour, and all things she borrows from the beyond must someday be paid for in full. Taylor knows this and accepts the risks.”
As of press time, the audience was ecstatic as Bon Iver was being gutted from within during a surprise performance of “Exile.”
Alright, he was a paranoid schizophrenic with a long history of brutal violence, this one probably isn’t on Loomis. Still, it’s perplexing that the doctor recommended driving lessons as part of Simm’s treatment. Pretty much as soon as he learned what the gas pedal did he was gone.
Cain had come to Loomis seeking advice to quit smoking, but the doctor became immediately convinced that he was pure evil. He told Cain this repeatedly, but for reasons unknown Cain kept seeing him. Eventually, in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, Cain internalized this message and murdered three of his coworkers.
Tristen sought Loomis’s advice in navigating communication issues she was having with her husband. The good doctor’s diagnosis? Pure evil. Time and time again Loomis’s go-to move is telling a patient they have the blackest eyes, the Devil’s eyes, and accusing them of being inhuman. In this instance, it turned a suburban housewife with no history of violence or wrongdoing into a jogger-strangling monster.
“Tell me about your mother. Was she also pure evil?” Jesus dude, change up your approach.
In one of his all-time greatest blunders, Loomis meant to write Lorenzo a prescription for Xanax that he could take on airplanes but got his notes mixed up and wound up prescribing pure evil.
Yes, late-night host Bill Maher is a patient of Dr. Loomis and has killed 7 people. How have we not canceled this guy?
During the routine transfer of murderer Henry Parsons, Loomis was twirling around his therapist gun and singing a little song to the tune of “The Muffin Man.” It went like this:
In his first session with Tommy, then a teen caught doing graffiti, Loomis called Tommy pure evil. Tommy replied “No I’m not,” and Loomis replied, “Oh, what’s the matter, chicken?!”
When Loomis insisted that McCray’s recurring dream about falling wouldn’t stop until his inherent evil was satiated, McCray took matters into his own hands in an incident now known as the Carlsville pitchfork slaughter.
Loraine was a violent psychotic under Dr. Loomis’s care who was set free when Loomis accidentally texted “FREEBACON” to a Smith’s Grove guard. Apparently, this was a promo code for a meal delivery service sent by mistake. How is this man still a doctor?
Samantha and Cindy Gursch were sent to Loomis’s office to test for ADD. The first thing he asked them was “Are you two regular twins, or creepy evil murder twins?” That planted a seed that led to the deaths of 16 people in foster homes across the United States in the ‘90s.
Yes, this patient had his name legally changed to “Evil.” He walked right into Loomis’s office and said “I am pure evil, I have the devil’s eyes, and I thirst for blood.” Loomis dismissed Evil as an attention seeker, saying “Get back to me when you’ve got some blood on your hands.” Maybe he was, but Jesus man, you shouldn’t call a bluff like that!
In an ill-advised foray into immersion therapy, Loomis escorted an unrestrained serial killer to a crowded fair, put a knife in her hand, and said “Don’t do anything.” She did stuff.
Gissimons wanted to lose weight, so Loomis made him a subliminal meditation tape to play while he slept. “You are in control of your eating habits. Cheese and cream sauces have no power over you. You are inhuman. Pure evil.”
When Webber approached Loomis requesting his antipsychotic medication be renewed, Loomis replied “I don’t negotiate with evil.”
Drax is the closest approximation to Elon Musk on this list and thus last. He builds spaceships, he’s into eugenics, and he’s arrogant. Probably thinks he’s funny too, all spot-on Musk attributes. Plus he’s hard to work with—even Jaws quit on him! Still, he’s at least straightforward about his plan to abandon Earth and start a master race on the moon.
This evil media tycoon is clearly based on Rupert Murdoch, but that old Leviathan is finally stepping down, and if Musk has his way Twitter will be the Fox News of the future. His plan to start World War III simply to get more engagement on the platforms he owns feels pretty Musky, but there’s a sense of genuine fun to him that Elon could never replicate.
Killed by piranhas by her boss after she failed to kill Bond, Helga’s fate is too similar to that of the average Musk employee for us to lose all sympathy for her.
Rich, snobbish, and hell-bent on plunging the world into chaos simply because he can, Musk and Khan would get on like gangbusters. He’s not far off from the Boring Company founder at the end of the day, but at least he has a touch of class.
You know what a loser villain you need to be to get outshined by the charisma of Joe Don Baker? Musk does. Next to him Mark Zuckerberg almost seems like someone you could have a beer with. He can, however, land the occasional one-liner, putting him miles ahead of Musk likeability-wise.
A chess master and chief strategist for SPECTRE, Kronsteen is one of many many characters on this list who are genuine, capable examples of what Musk pretends to be.
Not much personality, but when he ripped a sink out of a wall to smash James Bond with he didn’t quip “Let that sink in” so he’s the better man.
You would need to be a real piece of shit to be less likable than the guy who maimed Felix Leiter and killed his wife. You would have to say, accuse a rescuer of being a pedophile just because his plan worked and yours wouldn’t have.
He gave us one of the most iconic death scenes in the James Bond franchise. What has Musk given us, exploding electric cars we can’t afford?
One of many, many blond muscle men in the James Bond franchise and a particularly bland one at that. Still, he would never name a kid X Æ A-Xii.
His overwhelming loyalty suggests a capacity for human connection.
Sometimes, all someone needs to do to be more likable than Elon Musk is to fall off a cliff.
Morzeny runs the training facility on SPECTRE island, hardening the world’s top assassins to kill James Bond. He’s able to work for Blofeld long term, but it’s hard to picture him working for musk more than a month before he says “Fuck this guy” and quits.
You know the bad guy trope of holding the world ransom? Largo invented that. Musk would have hired people to invent it for him and then taken all the credit.
Kaufman specializes in making his assassinations look like suicides. He’s not a nice guy, but he never tweeted “pronouns suck,” so there ya go.
He’s an egotistical, morally bankrupt computer programmer who looks like he would be right at home ironically smoking weed on Rogan, but he does actually know his way around a computer.
Mollaka is as good at parkour as Elon probably likes to think he would be.
He’s got a cool “I bet my sports car in a hand of poker” story at least. Elon would float the idea of raising with an Aston Martin, then take 30 minutes explaining that it’s a very funny joke, then make like he’s actually going to do it anyway, then back out.
Any character played by Mads Mikkelsen and Orson Welles is more likable than Musk, including Hannibal Lecter and Charles Foster Kane.
The laughter of this immortal voodoo priest is sinister but genuine. The laughter of Elon Musk is clearly rehearsed minutes before camera time.
His scars and demeanor suggest a working class background making him worlds more relatable than Tesla’s CEO.