Music News: Bad Cop/Bad Cop Recording New Tracks

Bad Cop/Bad Cop has confirmed that they are recording new music with a brief update of the four-piece in the studio.

It has not been confirmed why, but Jennie Cotterill appears to have left the band and has been replaced by Alex Windsor, who joins Stacey Dee, Linh Le and Myra Gallarza.

Read More: Bikini Kill Announce North American Tour

Music News: Bad Cop/Bad Cop are back in the studio!

Linh Le posted the following on Instagram confirming that fans will be getting new material at some point in the near future:

“Hey All You Beautiful People. Hope y’all had a wonderful weekend. We were in the studio the Wizard of Ahhhhhhs (and Oooooos) himself, @johnnyomm of @oldmanmarkley & @tommyandjune and an soooo stoked to show yall what we’ve got in store…My gals and I are bustin’ our buns gettin some new music to y’all and I’m so goddamn grateful to get to do this with them. Stay tuned ya’ll.”

It’s not currently known if the band will be releasing a new LP, EP or set of singles, but if it is an album, it will be their first since The Ride in 2020, which was recorded throughout much of 2018 and 2019 by Johnny Carey and Fat Mike of production team the D-Composers.

Read More: Stiff Little Fingers Announce Final ‘Full’ US Tour

The Hard Times Real News: OH YEAH I’M A NIGHTMARE

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Read More: Alt Rock Star Starts Hardcore Band with Twitching Tongues Member

Every Hoobastank Album Ranked Worst To Best

Formed in the wake of grunge music, Agoura Hills, California’s Hoobastank obviously has a cringe band name, but you keep on saying it, likely in jest, so it does its job. Today we are attempting to rank all seven, yes, SEVEN, of their full-length studio albums from worst to best. Last year, in the year of our lord known as 2023, Hoobastank successfully rejoined the rock and “rock” collective conversation with a, err, sick, self-aware, rockin’, and performance at the inaugural “Sick New World” in Las Vegas with fellow early-aughts butt-rock/post-grunge/hard rock/klezmer superstars as Chevelle, Papa Roach, Evanescence, and The Del-Vikings. In closing before our opening, Hoobastank has more songs than Ralphs supermarket favorite “The Reason,” which also doubled as a song in the finale from “Friends,” proving that it is truly the band who laughs last:

7. Fight or Flight (2012)

Before we get into the stinker album position, if Hoobastank’s sixth full-length studio album, the one that the world calls “Fight or Flight,” consisted of their “Ghostbusters” cover that came out between this LP and its predecessor “Fornever,” it would be at number six for sure, but that omission is what makes horse racing. On that note, said Ray Parker Jr. cover deserves more attention than “Fight or Flight,” and to quote/butcher Andy Dufresne, “That’s all we have to say about that.” Anyway, “Fight or Flight” is the Hoobastank’s first non-major label release since their debut album but it just isn’t as enjoyable, as it’s more of the same from the band, which is not bad per se, but not enough to get out of the meh ranking here.

Play it again: “This Is Gonna Hurt”
Skip it: About ⅓ of it

6. Fornever (2009)

Similar to what we said about “Fight or Flight,” Hoobastank’s fifth LP, “Fornever” couldn’t be listed last because of its “play it again” winner, “The Letter.” Unfortunately it feels that the band’s momentum and general impact since “The Reason” slowed down with each subsequent release, but we are told that happens to a lot of bands. Fun fact: A&R executive and Executive Producer for Barenaked Ladies’ “Hybrid Theory,” Jeff Blue, co-wrote track three, “So Close, So Far,” but it seems that this album literally lived up to the words in its title, and was the band’s last for Island Records. Gone gone gone? Not from Earth, but certainly rock radio. Still, songs 1-3 deserve your time, and if said numbers were on a four-song EP with “The Letter,” said Extended Play would be perfect.

Play it again: “The Letter” (with or without Vanessa Amorosi)
Skip it: Just under ⅓ of it

5. Push Pull (2018)

As we said about their “Ghostbusters” musical tribute, Hoobastank can flawlessly execute cover songs, and the band’s seventh and newest LP showcases such in brilliant splendor with their rendition of Tears For Fears’ “Head over Heels.” While this studio album is a departure for sure, it was a necessary one, and the band’s album delivery of the furthest thing from the butt, slower pop-rock with an R&B influence. Produced by Matt Wallace of Ludo, Faith No More, The Replacements, and Maroon 5 “Songs About Jane” fame, Hoobastank took an intentional or unintentional influence from the latter’s blockbuster effort, which not so coincidentally was their first and last album front-to-back one could listen to without comparing the five to a bucket. Was this whole section better left unsaid? Well, there will never be another one regarding “Push Pull” here, so just let it go.

Play it again: Tears For Fears’ “Head over Heels”
Skip it: About ¼ of it

4. They Sure Don’t Make Basketball Shorts Like They Used To (1998)

From the artists formerly known as Hoobustank. That’s right, Hoobastank used to have an even worse name. The band’s full-length studio album debut “They Sure Don’t Make Basketball Shorts Like They Used To” was likely what started local 818 “baby” Incubus comparisons a la “Fungus Amongus,” much like HoobAstank’s self-titled LP has major “Make Yourself” vibes. Still, regardless of whether their San Fernando Valley peers existed, this album is an underrated effort, and we will forever long for DSPs to upload it on sites not called YouTube; DistroKid is easy, fam. Funnest fact here: The band originally had a full-time saxophone member but was NOT a tried and true third-wave ska punk act. This record is most certainly what got the band their major label deal, but despite what some crunk punks in Canoga Park may say, they only got better, especially with their next three releases.

Play it again: “Earthsick”
Skip it: Just under ¼ of it

3. Self-Titled (2001)

Produced by Jim Wirt, who also led behind the boards for the aforementioned Incubus, Something Corporate, The Rocket Summer, Hoobastank seemingly came out of nowhere with a surprising to some and unsurprising to you cool cats self-titled sophomore album, which was VERY far from a slump. We surmise that if you’re still reading this or haven’t even started to do so yet, you feel that “Crawling in the Dark” walked towards you so “The Reason” could scurry away. Also, there is little filler on this effort, and “Hoobastank” also seamlessly segues track into track and just flows seemingly effortlessly from front to back. Coming in at just under forty minutes, that is no small feat. This album also has the double distinction of eventually selling a Platinum amount, and landing at number ONE on Billboard’s US Heatseekers Albums.

Play it again: “Running Away”
Skip it: “To Be With You”

2. The Reason (2003)

Lots of times a band’s second major label release, if they successfully withstood the idea and literal act of being dropped unceremoniously by said conglomerate, is a far bigger budget but similar sonic version of its predecessor on steroids a la Vince McMahon with better songs and production. “The Reason” is no exception, and its title track is without hyperbole one of the biggest songs from this century, and will likely enhance or infect weddings forever. Not enough niceties can be said about producer Howard Benson’s epic work on the lead vocals and all vocal harmonies, as it could be a blueprint for all hard and soft rock acts moving forward. Maybe if this album came out twenty-years later a Kanye West music video feature would have been far more vomit-inducing, but here it was somehow endearing.

Play it again: “Disappear”
Skip it: “Lucky”

1. Every Man for Himself (2006)

Hoobastank’s third of four major label efforts, and fourth of seven LPs, “Every Man for Himself” is a “no skip” release, as referenced below, and easily/truly highlights the band at their finest hour minus nine minutes, despite the fact that you can’t namecheck a single song on it, poser. For the globe, this album’s diversity may have been a mainstream-avoiding curveball, but if you haven’t had a chance to dig into it, give it a go, which you will love, unless you don’t. If you like a slab of medium rare beef with your sweets, here’s some A.1. Steak Sauce: It is rumored that the late Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots and Audioslave is referenced in an unflattering manner in single #1, “If I Were You,” and said tea was stirred after viewing the band’s then-recent tour history.

Play it again: “The Rules” – “More Than A Memory”
Skip it: Being a bad little miscreant with amnesia

Top 50 Nu Metal Songs for When You’re Mad at Your Parents

Let’s get this straight right off the bat: Nu Metal fucking rules. Also, it’s “Nu” and not “n” followed by the motley crue letter. And no, I’m not gonna type that weird ”u” either. Or even use capital letters. Because that shit is old metal. The metal we’re talking about today is “Nu.”

Many people have music dedicated to certain moods or experiences. They may have a workout playlist or a rainy-day mix. For me, Nu Metal is the perfect soundtrack for when your normie parents provoke your righteous anger by doing something egregious like refusing to buy you a CD with a parental advisory sticker, forbidding you from piercing your eyebrow or hemming your JNCOs.

Are you pissed at your parents? Of course you are! So let’s crank up those speakers and show Mom and Dad who’s boss. Listen along with the playlist, click here.

50. Faith No More “Epic”

While “Epic” may sound the least “Nu” of all the songs on this list (which is exactly why it’s at the bottom), it’s the Godfather of the genre and deserves a place on any Nu Metal list. The song came out in 1989 and combined funk bass with metal guitar years before anyone asked if we were ready. It sounds primitive compared to the rest of this list, but it’ll still get the job done if you’re mad at your folks for something small like docking your allowance when you almost have enough cash to buy a bigger chain for your wallet.

49. Nonpoint “Bullet With a Name”

This is one of the weightier songs in the Nu Metal genre, lyrically speaking. It’s a bit too mature for a situation like this. We can still get hyped up to it because as the saying goes, “All Nu Metal, is real metal.”

48. Kittie “Brackish”

I didn’t expect to like this band at first since I’m more of a dog person. But it turns out you can like cats and still write anthems perfect for disobeying your parental units. Like a lot of the songs on this list, “Brackish” has moments of aggressive intensity that pair perfectly with task avoidance-based temper tantrums.

47. Taproot “Poem”

Listen to this song and tap into the root of your anger: your dickhead parents. Taproot provides the perfect soundtrack to punching a hole in the drywall of the minimum security prison they have the nerve to call a “home.” That’ll teach ‘em for shopping at Walmart buying you the edited version of this record.

46. (Hed) PE “Bartender”

(Hed) PE is one of the most underrated Nu Metal bands of their era, and I’m not just saying that because they were technically the first band I ever saw live. On that show, they were opening for Papa Roach, who are rated exactly where they should be. Anyway, Hed Physical Education’s song “Bartender” is badass and all, but it’s better for when you practice French kissing in the mirror, not when you’re mad at your Mom and your (hopefully step) Dad.

45. Zug Izland “Everything”

Okay, so here’s how this happened. Violent J from ICP wanted a rock band on Psychopathic Records. He essentially tried to make a Nu Metal album with his producer so they hired a group of musicians to be “Zug Izland.” They released their first album at it was clear that Violent J had only ever listened to Staind. The label dropped the band but the band kept going! And they clearly had a better sense of their genre than the original creators of the project because “Everything” is an actual Nu Metal song. That said, this song still isn’t great.

44. The Urge “Played Out”

The Urge is an alternative rock/ska band mostly, but they incorporated a ton of Nu Metal over the years. Listen to this riff and tell me Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” didn’t learn a thing or two from it. Just like how if you listen to my parents they’ll tell you I can’t come out of my room until I apologize for cussing in front of grandma.

43. Incubus “A Certain Shade of Green”

Normally, Incubus would be the band you listen to when you’re trying to relax after a long day of rollerblading. But not today. Today, Mom and Dad have the misfortune of dealing with my dark side so “A Certain Shade of Green” will have to do. Ironically, this is a great song to smoke to, but the reason we don’t have our weed is the same reason we’re mad at Mom and Dad right now.

42. Ded “Anti-Everything”

This song encapsulates everything I feel about my surroundings. I am anti EVERYTHING in my life. Anti-homework. Anti-vegetables. Anti-getting in trouble for saying sweet cuss words that I know adults say to each other all the dang time. Ded nails it on this one. Very relatable stuff.

41. Dope “Die MF Die”

Don’t let the censored title fool you, Dope definitely says the f-word in this one. And we definitely said that word a lot after getting sent to our room. Just as soon as the door was closed and we heard Dad turn the TV back on. Listening to this song while feeling this intensely almost makes having to attend 7th grade worth it.

40. Trapt “Headstrong”

“Headstrong” is a song for getting in tune with your more sensitive emotions. For instance, it’s a great listen after breaking up with your long-term girlfriend of two weeks. But it’ll do in a pinch when you’re stuck in your room until Mom and Dad get over themselves. They should realize that grounding causes emotional trauma, which lasts forever. The fire we set on the lawn is almost out. Not exactly a proportional punishment, is it?

39. Mushroomhead “Qwerty”

This song is a bit too “theatrical” for me. I’m not a big fan of drama.

38. Orgy “Fiction (Dreams in Digital)”

At a certain point in every tantrum you tend to get introspective. You can put this on and contemplate your situation and your future. Will you break some stuff? Will you run away? Will you communicate your feelings in a civilized way that can mend this situation with ease? All questions you won’t find the answer to before the chorus kicks in and it’s time to rage once more.

37. Cold “Just Got Wicked”

My buddy Ryan told me this song was actually about… ya know, “doin’ it.” But that’s gross. It’s totally about a chill guy who was pushed too far by society and if I don’t get to go play outside in the next 10 minutes, I’m about to come with the wicked.

36. 36 Crazyfists “Bloodwork”

It goes without saying there is nothing more exhilarating than a snare so tight you could hang yourself with it. That’s a basic tenet of Nu Metal. 36 Crazyfists live up to their name and so will I if my brother knocks on the door again to make fun of me for being grounded.

35. Mudvayne “Dig”

It really sucks when people say Nu Metal is “gimmicky.” Especially when you have bands like Mudvayne out here expressing real, raw emotion and making a definitive statement. Granted, that statement is “Look at me! Look at MEEEE,” but it is very relatable during this time in my life.

34. Spineshank “New Disease”

I only have this one on a burned CD because Dad wouldn’t let me get it when we went to Best Buy. He saw the band name and got scared because he knew the monster it would turn me into. But this monster cannot be caged. Emotionally speaking, that is, as I am currently not allowed to leave my room.

33. Machine Head “Davidian”

Machine Head? More like machine drummer! Have you heard that dude pound the skins?! Anyway, our older brother said this song is too good to be considered Nu Metal. But whatever, he’s not the boss of me either. This song does make us want to do those cartwheelie dance moves though.

32. Ill Niño “What Comes Around”

This one gets us crazy emotional. Just listen to the lyrics. Until you’ve delved into Nu Metal, you can’t fathom how deep dudes with lip piercings can be.

31. E. Town Concrete “Mandibles”

This song is actually too aggressive for me. I want to make the world feel my pain and all, but I don’t wanna hurt anybody. I feel like listening to this song too many times will end in tragedy when several cars are keyed in my school’s parking lot. You gotta be careful with this stuff.

30. Evanescence “Bring Me To Life”

If you haven’t heard any songs on this list so far, here’s one to help you normies get inside the twisted, sick mind of a Nu Metal fan. Hopefully this song can wake the sheeple up to the reality all around them. The reality that Nu Metal is a legitimate genre and people should stop making fun of my platform boots.

29. Staind “Outside”

We’re gonna slow it down with this one. Despite their edgy beginnings, Staind managed to come into their iconic butt-rock sound with “Outside.” This one is great for singing along to when you’re all out of energy from one tantrum and you need to cool down while summoning more angst to fuel the next one.

28. Coal Chamber “Loco”

Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly “loco”—like when miss a UFO grind and bash my shins—that’s when it’s time to break out the Coal Chamber. I wanted to get hair like the singer but my mom wouldn’t let me. She says it’s too expensive to get that many dye jobs in one trip to the salon. She did say she’d take me though since I’m getting a little shaggy in the back.

27. Sevendust “Denial”

Whoever figured out that flanger guitar is perfect for Nu Metal intros is a genius. Probably Wes Borland since he’s the only Nu Metal genius. Either way, this song encompasses both my feelings of rage and my sense of superiority towards the world around me. The world can disagree, but it’s just in denial.

26. Snot “Snot”

There is literally nothing cooler than a band naming a song after themselves. Except for maybe when they drop their band name in the song like a rapper. Fortunately, “Snot” by Snot has both in spades. This song is perfect for the part of the tantrum where you get a little dizzy from all the yelling and poster-ripping and everything feels like pure chaos.

Blacked-Out Knuckle Tattoos Forces You to Assume the Worst

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Local man Ronny Stout’s blacked-out knuckle tattoos are forcing neighbors to assume the worst about what it used to say, suspicious sources confirmed.

“At first, I thought maybe it was just something dumb. I saw a guy on Reddit who had ‘BURRITOS’ once. But blackout seems so extreme; you’d probably just live with something a little embarrassing, right?” wondered Sydney Hodge, who recently met Stout at a barbecue. “Maybe he used to be in a gang or something? I just can’t picture the kind of gang he’d be in. Well, his haircut is pretty short on the sides. Oh god, you don’t think he’s the Charlottesville-type, right? I need to find an old Facebook photo before standing next to him at his kid’s birthday party. I’m really hoping it didn’t say ‘TIKI TRCH.’”

Ronny Stout just wants the speculation to end.

“It just said ‘STR8 EDGE!’ That’s it! I was 16 and dumb. I’d never even tried a hard seltzer before. Now that I’m older, life’s just not so black and white. You try holding a beer with a hand that says ‘EDGE,’” said Stout. “I just never considered the number of conspiracies this cover-up would invite. I’ve heard everything! Of course, the dog whistle one. I’ve been asked if I’m a huge Meat Loaf fan. My kid’s friends even guessed ‘HUGE POOP.’ I’m over it. Maybe I should have just endured 12 years of laser treatment so it could look like a patchy burn instead.”

Kris Hanna, a tattoo artist specializing in cover-ups, has seen these unintended consequences firsthand.

“Even with the best cover-ups, if people know, they aren’t going to admire your new sick-ass panther. They’re only going to wonder what used to be there,” said Hanna. “I don’t care how well I can tattoo a raven. If he’s twisted into a tribal shape, people are going to know you used to be in a nu-metal band. Even some of the non-cover-up work I do comes under fire. I recently tattooed a black rose on a guy, and his girlfriend swore she could see an ex’s name hidden in the center.”

At press time, Stout was seen placing a ‘Biden 2024’ decal over an illegible sunbleached bumper sticker that had begun to attract attention.

The Next Annie Oakley? This Woman Shot Down Ten Guys in Six Seconds

Hold onto your hats partners, because the most sensational extravaganza of the year just blew into town. We may have just witnessed one of the most fantastic displays of talent in our modern times, effortlessly executed by a woman barely taller than a barstool.

That’s right folks, gather ‘round because we’re looking at the second coming of Annie Oakley because this firebrand just shot down ten guys in six seconds.

“I was just doing what comes naturally. Men are pretty dumb where I’m from, and pretty much everywhere I’ve traveled, I suppose. For some reason I’m a magnet for mediocre men who think they can impress me with their dumbass finance jobs or try to race me in the parking lot when they find out I was a track star in high school.” We’re just lucky she wasn’t actually packing a pistol like ol’ Annie or we’d have a goddamn massacre on our hands!

Yessir, ten consecutive overconfident men didn’t know what hit them after attempting to brag about their personal accomplishments and quiz her about the football jersey she was wearing. It’s just slightly unfortunate they had to be eviscerated so thoroughly, but her jabs were so astonishingly accurate that the entire bar couldn’t help but watch in amazement.

“Yeah, I know the telltale signs when the wolves start circling. Tonight I guess a few of these bozos saw I was wearing a Tee Higgins jersey and one of them decided I needed to name three other players, so I named the offensive and defensive starters and then asked him to name three times his mother was proud of him. I got into a good rhythm after that and put down some other assholes looking in my direction. I knew I was surrounded, so I just let loose and took everyone out.”

It’s not every day you meet a woman you can cut a man down before they can get a word in edgewise, but like Oakley she made a show out of it almost effortlessly. She ripped on their juvenile fashion sense and lack of hygiene like she was shooting ducks. And that last sucker who attempted to smooth things over before she jumped on the bar and called him ‘short king’ without even spilling her drink? With showmanship like that, we’d gladly pay to see her do that across the globe.

“If anyone else here is willing to learn, I can teach them a trick or two about getting annoying guys away from you as quickly as possible. Busting balls just takes practice, and lord knows I’ve had lots of it.” Talk about showmanship!

Band’s Attempt At Groundbreaking Concept Album Proves Perfect for Kia Sorento Commercial

SALT LAKE CITY— Local band The Collective’s ambitious attempt at creating a groundbreaking concept album about a humanoid race of people bringing joy and love to Earth accidentally resulted in the perfect soundtrack for the newest Kia Sorento, commercial reps confirmed.

“This album is an amalgamation of all of our previous work, a true reflection of our deepest emotions and creative journey,” said lead guitarist Jake Thornfield, “We wanted to create a rich and complex listening experience, and I think we did that. Unfortunately, nobody really listened to the album, we actually thought Spotify might have been glitching because of how low our numbers were. But then Kia called and they changed everything. We realized that our music was so much more, it was also a place to let people know Kia is the highest-ranked mass-market brand in initial quality, four years in a row. That’s impressive.”

Chad Burns, executive marketer of Kia Motors, says he couldn’t contain his excitement when he heard the new album.

“When we first contacted the band they almost seemed insulted that we wanted their music. They kept saying their work was an ‘experimental odyssey’ that pushes boundaries and defies conventions. But what I found interesting was how universal and, dare I say, inoffensive the sound is. Perfect for pushing Sorrentos,” said Burns. “ I almost feel bad, they think their music is really profound and has the power to change the world, but I guess the good news is they’re gonna make a fuckload of money off this.”

Music researcher Tim Bower noted the Automotus Advertus Paradox, a scientific principle in musicology that suggests the more a band tries to distance itself from the “car commercial” sound, the more it begins to emulate it.

“When a band like this tries to weave a rich narrative tapestry or incorporate any experimentation it always sounds like it was created in a boardroom, like it was meant to appeal to as many demographics as possible,” said Bower. “The blend of folk and rock with indie elements, the heartfelt lyrics- perfect for scenes with kids and dogs unloading the trunk to have a picnic in the park on a nice summer day. There is one simple rule in commercial music; if someone in your band is wearing a brimmed hat, you should just expect your music to be used to sell cars at some point.”

In a prepared statement, seemingly depressed members of The Collective stated they were thrilled to have showcased the rugged power of the Kia Sorento, the perfect family-friendly midsize crossover SUV that combines style with practicality.

Every OM Album Ranked Worst to Best

Well, it’s that time of year, isn’t it? That time of year when the holidays end and New Year’s resolutions are being abandoned at break-neck speeds and we’re left with the gross, dirty, sludgy part of winter. What better way to engage in the season than with the grayest, sludgiest music on the market?

We offer to you: OM. Originally formed by Al Cisneros and Chris Hakius as a spin-off band from the iconic stoner-metal group Sleep (Remember them? Remember when your uncle told you about them that one time?) OM is doom metal cranked to its sludgiest, doomiest best. The songs are massive, sprawling, epic things. And in many ways, the band casts themselves in the foil role to Black Sabbath. Rather than singing songs about wizards and demons, OM sings songs about old time-ee Christian, Muslim, Hindu and Buddhist iconography, with sprinkles of Eastern Philosophy and Crowley-esque esotericism, this band has a gorgeously appropriative aesthetic that will make you say: “Huh, I wonder what Scarlet Johansson is up to right now?” But how do their albums stack up? Well, read on and find out.

5. God is Good (2009)

The trouble with OM’s fourth album, “God is Good” isn’t that it’s bad. It’s far from it. The trouble is that it feels like a step backward creatively. Which is too bad really, because this album marks the debut of Emil Amos as the group’s new drummer. There is a lot going on here, with the droning, desert-like opening to “Thebes” sounding like a call to worship, and “Cremation Ghat I” adding in elements of funk-bass playing, but ultimately, it feels like the band became too scared after the intensity of their previous album and stepped back into a comfort zone. Like a homeschooled kid who’s tried public school for a year and demanded his Mom pull him back out of it.

Play it again: “Cremation Ghat I”
Skip it: “Meditation Is the Practice of Death”

4. Pilgrimage (2007)

OM’s third album and the last one to feature the classic Cisneros/Hakius line-up, there’s something deeply interesting about “Pilgrimage” as a sort of bridge album. The songs are shorter. One of them is even (gasp) under five minutes. Which is going at Bad Brains adjacent speeds by doom metal standards. And yet, for the increased energy and intensity, there’s something really pleasant and enjoyable about this album. It makes you wanna get up and spasm the night away on the dance floor.

Play it again: “Pilgrimage”
Skip it: “Pilgrimage (Reprise)”

3. Variations on a Theme (2005)

OM’s debut album does one thing exceptionally well: It announces itself in spectacular fashion. From the abrasive opening to “On the Mountain at Dawn,” to the trashing, angry lawn-mower-like bass playing of Al Cisneros, to the over 20-minute long opening track. It’s easy to tell what this band is about right from the jump. And there’s something really spectacular about that. This is also the record metal fans will likely find themselves most drawn to, with more precise vocals and songs about priestesses and blue stone moons, the whole thing plays like a game of “Dungeons and Dragons” played in the midst of a DayQuil overdose.

Play it again: “Annapurna”
Skip it: “Kapila’s Theme”

2. Advaitic Songs (2012)

Oh. Hell. Yes. They’re pulling out all the stops for this one: Religious chanting? Check. Lush and engaging production design? Check. Singing in Sanskrit? Check please, waiter. There’s a fly in my soup and I want it comped, ASAP. Once you see the scowling John the Baptist cover art, you know you’re in for a treat. “Advaitic Songs” is definitely the sound one would probably expect when hearing that OM is a doom metal/stoner metal outfit that plays songs that are widely indebted to Middle Eastern religion and philosophy. And that’s just wonderful. Give the people what they want, says I.

Play it again: “Gethsemane”
Skip it: No skip album

1. Conference of the Birds (2006)

If the word “sophomore” means “wise fool,” then is not the greatest fool the fool that unwisely thrones himself as wise and yet dubs the wise foolish? I say it shall! In any case, OM’s sophomore record, “Conference of the Birds” is unquestionably the group’s masterpiece. Truly with this one OM succeeded in creating the score to an unmade Kenneth Anger film. With just two songs (both clocking in at over 15 minutes long), there is definitely a limited menu here. And yet, just like at a trendy restaurant, a limited menu is actually part of the charm here.  But with the droning drums of Chris Hakius and the hypnotic bass and hushed vocals of Al Cisneros, it’s more than enough.

Play it again: “At Giza”
Skip it: Nah.

10 Death Grips Songs To Ruin A Pleasant Board Game Night

It’s that special time of the month when you get together with friends and family to play some board games and have a wholesome good time. But routine gets boring. Sometimes you need to liven things up, and the best way to do that is a curated playlist of the most annoying Death Grips songs possible. So throw these songs on whenever you want to clear the room and get home early.

Get Got

Get Got is a perfect introductory song to Death Grips. Your friends playing Operation will be lulled into a false sense of security and happiness from the rough industrial beat. All you need to do is make sure someone else is taking out water on the brain when MC Ride’s shriek comes in. Be sure to be inches away from the other player’s face mouthing the lyrics as they attempt surgery.

No Love

No Love is the ideal pairing for ruining a game of Scattergories. You’ll roll a G and get writing while the other players are preoccupied trying to understand what the fuck MC Ride is saying, and wondering why he’s saying it so loudly. The buzzer will go off right as your friends turn to one another and ask who’s cock is on the album cover. Meanwhile you got double score from writing Gal Gadot under actors.

Death Grips is Online

Good luck playing Password while getting hit with an auditory wall of nonsense punctuated with occasional ‘Death Grips is Online’. Sure, you might be able to describe an ostrich without using certain words, but your partner is going to be spending that time utterly befuddled as to why someone would pay money to listen to this music.

Guillotine

Charades, at the best of times, is a difficult game to play. But when you plug in your iPod Nano and start blasting “Guillotine,” things get even tougher. Your friends might ask you to stop chanting ‘it goes it goes it goes it goes’ while Susan tries in vain to mime “The Godfather Part II.” Fortunately if they get close to the answer you can just scream ‘YEAH’ until they lose their train of thought.

https://open.spotify.com/track/3IrcvqIf3ZiBhf3xdsctRX?si=45af011f785e44cd

I’ve Seen Footage

Nothing goes with Movie Trivial Pursuit than a song about seeing footage. Surely your friends will relate to MC Ride when you show them the Zapruder Film on repeat and insist that they stay noided. Sure they’ll try to ask about who starred in “My Favorite Year,” but you can just tell them how much crazy shit you’ve seen and demand that that was actually Val Kilmer’s body double in “Top Gun” so you technically got that question correct.

The Fever (Aye Aye)

How cute, you’re trying to read the fun fact about American Sparrows from Wingspan out loud. Too bad Zach Hill mixed this one so nutty that all you can think about is burning down a rich motherfucker’s house. Put that wetland bird down and destroy your surroundings, I don’t care if this bitch can fly in flocks of tens of thousands. Wait tens of thousands, really? That’s a lot.

You Might Think He Loves You For Your Money But I Know What He Really Loves You For

Honestly the others might just leave during this one because it sounds really bad and Scrabble isn’t engaging enough to keep people around. You aren’t doing your board game party any favors by ripping your shirt off and freaking out your work friends with your blood curdling screams. Although you did manage to pull off ‘Jazz’ with a triple word score so they might just be sore losers.

Giving Bad People Good Ideas

Much like Risk, “Giving Bad People Good Ideas” starts out pleasant enough but quickly degrades into murder and mayhem. You’ll be taking Kamchatka while you shake in your chair along with the beat. Your friends will ask if you’re ok, and if it’d be ok to switch to Codenames and Miley Cyrus. Your only response can be to pull your own hair out and begin your march to claim Australia from the heathens.

Hacker

Your friends are wrapped up in Twister, Carly Rae Jepsen is blasting on the speaker. You can’t be stopped. You put on “Hacker” to the protestations of your tangled friends. While they’re busy putting their right hand on green, you can go into their personal possessions and steal anything of value. Not because you need the money, but because it’s what Death Grips would do. When they come out their shit is gone.

Electric Drum Solo Dub Mix

The most recent Death Grips track, an 11 minute drum concerto punctuated with unpleasant rhythms, is the perfect thing to subtly suggest that your friends go home. It’s time for you to sleep, and your nightly routine now includes listening to the equivalent of electric maggots fucking in your earlobes. Who cares if James brought Ticket to Ride? It’s time to party to electric nonsense until your nose spontaneously bleeds.

 

“This Is Our Personal 9/11 Except We Can’t Make Money From It,” Says Toby Keith’s Family In Touching Tribute

MOORE, Ok. – The country music world was saddened today by the news that country star Toby Keith lost his battle with cancer, a passing that his family mourned as their “own personal 9/11, except we can’t make money from it,” sources confirmed.

“This is exactly how we all felt on September 11th, 2001 but this time my father won’t be around to profit from it,” said Krystal Keith, Toby Keith’s unfortunately named daughter. “I remember seeing my dad all sad on that day. I went over to hug him and he was already drafting lyrics telling his fans to join the military. That was Dad, always working to exploit a tragedy for personal gain. I just wish we had a few more years of his music so he could write more beautiful songs about bombing the Middle East and showing off America’s beautiful military might. I miss him so much.”

Fans of the country superstar also shared their grief over the singer’s death.

“His music is what inspired me to join the Marines,” said Keith superfan Artie Wood. “After 9/11 it felt like I was sleepwalking through life. Then I heard ‘Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue’ and I knew it was my civic duty to go to help blow Iraq off the map. What I really respected about Toby was his ability to capture the grief of a nation and turn it into a multi-platinum-selling album. I feel terrible for his family. Having to go through this nightmare and not even making a hit single out of it is the greatest calamity of all.”

Prominent music historians have already started classifying Keith as the first of a new wave of country artists who bravely forewent subtlety or cleverness.

“Nothing scares modern country fans more than nuance,” said music history professor Dr. Sandra Goodwin. “This led to Keith becoming enormously successful with his songs about beer, trucks, and incorrectly gathered information about weapons of mass destruction. Keith gave the American people comfort that America was universally good and any questioning of it was treasonous. He did this, as I understand, out of the goodness of his heart and a boylike desire for immense profit. I’m just sad he died before he could write more popular songs about branded products.”

At press time, the Keith family realized they could probably clear a couple million by selling Toby Keith-branded Red Solo Cups.

Every “Masters of the Universe” Character Ranked by Their Role in Our Sexual Awakening

Anyone old enough to have joint pain they’ve accepted to be permanent now can tell you, the ‘80s were awesome! America was the greatest nation on earth, the movies just kept getting better, and hyper-masculine hunks of plastic from a cartoon were giving us all funny feelings in our shorts.

Out of all the rad iconic animation to come out of the ‘80s, “Masters of the Universe” reigned supreme in terms of making us feel confused in a way we felt vaguely ashamed of but ultimately curious about. We’ve taken all the characters from the original run of this beloved action/fantasy cartoon and ranked them by how significant a role they played in our sexual activation. Bodacious!

34. Webstor

“Masters of the Universe” did a bang-up job tying our budding sexual desires to various human/animal hybrid creatures, but the spider guy just never grabbed us. Too spidery!

33. Trap Jaw

Even as children with zero carnal knowledge, we knew that sex and anything called “Trap Jaw” just didn’t mix.

32. Screeech

Skeletor’s pet attack falcon is possibly the least sexy bird creature on Eternia, and that’s coming from someone who is strongly, inexplicably aroused by “Masters of the Universe” bird creatures.

31. Man-E-Faces

Man-E-Faces was a villain turned hero with the ability to, you guessed it, change his face. His amazing power to have the face of a human, a robot, or a monster allowed him to uh… do that. Yeah, pretty pointless at the end of the day, and not very sexy. He couldn’t even use all three faces at the same time! If he could do that then oh hell yeah, let’s talk, but nah.

30. Cringer

Cringer is Prince Adam’s pet cuck, I mean cat. Frankly, we prefer him in his Battle Cat form. Without the Power of Grayskull Cringer is a total bottom.

29. Two Bad

Sometimes we would hold our Two Bad action figure and meditate on the duality of human nature, and what this innate duplicitousness meant to our cusping sexual identity. Other times we would think to ourselves “Hey, why am I thinking about this shit? I’m 9.”

28. Modulok

Though sort of a minor character in the cartoon, the Modulock action figure was cool as hell because it came with over 20 interlocking pieces. The idea was that since his body was amorphous, you could mix and match the pieces to create your own unique version of Modulok every time you played with him. No matter how many different combos we tried, they always seemed to look like genitals.

27. Spikor

Spikor planted the seed that Pinhead grew into the sapling that would one day become the tree of us spending $900 on a spiked pleather onesie marketed as “Daddy Pain.”

26. Kobra Khan

Kobra Khan was often partnered up with Webstor, and it’s easy to see who got all the sex appeal in that duo. To this day his calculating sinisterness, snake accent, and ability to produce knockout spray from his mouth still arouse the darkest recesses of our fantasies.

25. Whiplash

Whiplash quickly rose through the ranks of Skeletor’s crew, and it’s not hard to see why. With his take-charge attitude, powerful phallic tail, and a head that resembled our mean neighbor Frank, Whiplash really projected authority. Plus his design kinda makes him look like he’s always wearing a tank top and briefs. Sir yes sir!

24. Panthor

There was just something about the feel of his toy’s velvety purple skin that seemed to activate something in us like it was opening the door to a whole spectrum of possibilities both terrifying and tantalizing.

23. Tri-Klops

One man with the power of 3 cyclopses? We would be powerless to stop this brute… not that we would want to!

22. Mer-Man

Come on, all of the inherent eroticism of merpeople coupled with the fact that he has legs and therefore presumably genitals? You can’t tell us this guy doesn’t pique your curiosity. Admit it, you wanna know what he’s working with down there.

21. Dree Elle

It’s the veil, it’s just so alluring. You can’t help but wonder what she’s working with under that thing. Probably a black faceless void, same as all Trollans, but still!

20. Mekaneck

Mekaneck was a master spy because of his ability to extend his neck by several feet. If you were a bad guy up to no good several feet above Meganeck, he knew the score. See cause he has this helmet head, and that head extends up by the metal shaft in his neck anytime he gets curious or excited about something. Like maybe he hears a bad guy, or a crime happening, or his “aunt” who was actually just his mom’s best friend so isn’t really his aunt is wearing pantyhose smoking a cigarette with her legs crossed, or like WHATEVER! Anyway, there was something about owning the Meganeck toy that just made us feel confident.

19. Skeletor

Even as kids we knew having a prurient interest in Eternia’s most powerful villain was wrong, but that’s what made it so irresistible. Sure he’s a living skeleton, but this skeleton is jacked as fuck. Skeletor’s plans always revolved around “getting” people. He would be like “We’ll lure He-man somewhere under false pretenses, and then, we’ll GET HIM!” What happens after he gets someone? The show leaves it up to the viewer’s imagination, and that’s what makes it so erotic.

18. Beast Man

When it came to giving kids confusing feelings about human/beast hybrids, the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” will always reign supreme, but for old-school kids who were too cool for Disney, there was Beast Man. Are you seriously going to try to convince us this character didn’t have a sexual undertone when his action figure literally came with a whip AND dat ass? Mattel knows what they’re doing.

17. Battle Cat

Cringer is a pathetic worm of a cat, but when he is imbued with the Power of Grayskull and puts on some bondage gear he becomes the ferocious Battle Cat. At a young age Battle Cat instilled us with the notion that the right gear could make us feel powerful.

16. Buzz-Off

We gotta spell it out for you? Dudes name is “Buzz-off!”