Music News: Mastodon and Lamb of God Going on Massive Tour

Mid-2000s metal greats Mastodon and Lamb of God will be heading out for a co-headline tour, with both bands celebrating the 20th anniversary of classic albums.

The bands’ official social media accounts confirmed the following today: “ASHES OF LEVIATHAN Tour with Lamb of God and Mastodon, celebrating 20 years of Ashes Of The Wake and Leviathan. Both albums will be played in full, with special guests Kerry King, Malevolence, and Unearth (on select dates).”

Pre-sale tickets and VIP packages go on sale today at ashesofleviathan.com. Use code LEVIATHAN20 beginning at noon EST to access pre-sale.

Read More: New Snuff Album Coming in March 2024

Music News: The Ashes Of Leviathan — Mastodon & Lamb of God 2024 Tour Dates

Here are all of the dates that Mastodon, Lamb of God, Kerry King, Malevolence and Unearth will be heading out across the US:

  • Fri, Jul-19 Grand Prairie, TX Texas Trust CU Theatre
  • Sat, Jul-20 Austin, TX Germania Insurance Amphitheater
  • Sun, Jul 21 Houston, TX 713 Music Hall
  • Tue, Jul-23 Jacksonville, FL Daily’s Place
  • Wed, Jul-24 Orlando, FL Orlando Amphitheater
  • Thu, Jul-25 Alpharetta, GA Ameris Bank Amphitheatre
  • Sat, Jul-27 Raleigh, NC The Red Hat Amphitheater
  • Sun, Jul-28 Richmond, VA Virgin Credit Union LIVE!
  • Tue, Jul-30 Pittsburgh, PA Stage AE
  • Wed, Jul-31 London, ON Budweiser Gardens
  • Thu, Aug 01 Montreal, QC Bell Centre
  • Sat, Aug 03 Uncasville, CT Mohegan Sun Arena
  • Sun, Aug-04 Manchester, NH SNHU Arena
  • Tue, Aug-06 Bangor, ME Maine Savings Amphitheater
  • Thu, Aug 08 Reading, PA Santander Arena **
  • Fri, Aug-09 Cleveland, OH Jacobs Pavilion **
  • Sat, Aug 10 Sterling Heights, MI Michigan Lottery Amphitheatre @ Freedom Hill **
  • Tue, Aug-13 Moorhead, MN Bluestem Center For The Arts Amphitheater
  • Thu, Aug 15 Calgary, AB Scotiabank Saddledome
  • Fri, Aug 16 Penticton, BC South Okanagan Events Centre
  • Sat, Aug 17 Kent, WA ShoWare Center
  • Sun, Aug 18 Portland, OR Theatre of the Clouds
  • Wed, Aug 21 Los Angeles, CA The Kia Forum
  • Fri, Aug 23 Phoenix, AZ Arizona Financial Theatre
  • Sat, Aug 24 Rio Rancho NM Rio Rancho Events Center
  • Sun, Aug 25 El Paso, TX El Paso County Coliseum
  • Tue, Aug 27 Magna, UT The Great Saltair
  • Thu, Aug 29 Morrison, CO Red Rocks Amphitheatre
  • Sat, Aug 31 Omaha, NE The Astro Amphitheater

**No Malevolence, Support from Kerry King & Unearth

Read More: Punk In The Park 2024 Lineup First Wave Confirmed

The Hard Times Real News: Blood and Thunder

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Read More: Alt Rock Star Starts Hardcore Band with Twitching Tongues Member

Music News: Bikini Kill Announce North American Tour

Punk legends Bikini Kill have confirmed tour dates in North America for this summer and fall, starting on August 15 and finishing up in mid-September.

Comet Gain, Big Joanie, Tropical Fuck Storm, Snoozers, and R.Aggs will all be joining the band for specific show dates as openers.

Read More: New Snuff Album Coming in March 2024

Music News: Bikini Kill US Tour Dates

Here are all of the dates currently listed on Bikini Kill’s official site, you can get more information regarding tickets here:

Date City Venue
8/15 Los Angeles, CA The Wiltern
8/16 Los Angeles, CA The Wiltern
8/18 San Francisco, CA The Warfield
8/19 San Francisco, CA The Warfield
8/21 Forest Grove, OR Grand Lodge
8/27 Denver, CO Mission Ballroom
8/29 Milwaukee, WI The Riverside Theater
8/30 Chicago, IL The Salt Shed (Indoor)
8/31 Royal Oak, MI Royal Oak Music Theatre
9/3 Toronto, ON History
9/4 Montreal, QC L’Olympia
9/6 Portland, ME State Theatre
9/7 Brooklyn, NY Brooklyn Paramount
9/8 Brooklyn, NY Brooklyn Paramount
9/10 Philadelphia, PA Franklin Music Hall
9/11 Baltimore, MD Baltimore Soundstage

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Read More: Alt Rock Star Starts Hardcore Band with Twitching Tongues Member

Music News: Stiff Little Fingers Announce Final ‘Full’ US Tour

Legendary punk band Stiff Little Fingers has declared their upcoming US tour to be the last of its kind, indicating that they will not be doing full touring schedules in the States going forward.

The band, known for their politically charged lyrics and being one of the greatest bands to come out of the UK or Ireland, will embark on a “coast to coast” journey starting in May 2024, promising to deliver their iconic sound to audiences one last time in a ‘full’ tour.

Read More: New Snuff Album Coming in March 2024

Music News: Stiff Little Fingers A Farewell to Full Tours

Speaking in a Press Release for the tour, the lead singer, songwriter, and guitarist of the ‘Fingers Jake Burns revealed that the band would be focusing more on Festival dates in North America going forward:

“We’re fired up and looking forward to playing in America again for the first time in five years. Given the amount of touring we undertake, we’ve decided this is our Final U.S. Coast-to-Coast Tour. That doesn’t mean we won’t play occasional dates in the U.S. in the future, but there will be fewer select shows, probably scheduled around festivals.”

Tickets for shows go on sale Friday, February 9 at 10 am local time. Ticket links via SLF.rocks.

Read More: Punk In The Park 2024 Lineup First Wave Confirmed

The Hard Times Real News: Alternative Ulster is still a bop

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Read More: Alt Rock Star Starts Hardcore Band with Twitching Tongues Member

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Reintroduces Jocks to Wild to Keep Nerd Numbers Down

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced today that they reintroduced the American jock to the ecosystem in order to counteract what they call a “worryingly large” population of nerds.

“A dearth of wild meatheads has led to an explosion in the nerd population over the past decade,” explained department spokesperson Nick Teller. “In cities and towns across this nation, this invasive genus continues to proliferate, whether in the form of the Lesser Spotted Weeb or the Flat Footed Magic Player. Without packs of dunderheaded beefcakes in letterman jackets prowling the streets and halls, herds of geeks have been allowed to thrive without getting the shit kicked out of them. Already this has had devastating consequences for the landscape and, without intervention, the situation could get worse and worse. If we don’t do something now, within another five years, America as we know it will be unrecognizable.”

Locals in areas where large groups of nerds have settled say they have been raising the alarm for years, and are relieved that the government might finally be taking action.

“It’s completely unsustainable. How can the local ecosystem survive when bars quit showing football in favor of running weekly ‘Lord of the Rings’ trivia nights?” asked longtime resident Brenda Whitmore. “Forty years ago there was harmony and balance. Sure, you’d see the occasional freak in coke bottle glasses reading a Spider-Man comic, but a good hiding from a guy named Billy or Butch would send him back to where he came from. Cruel, but that’s the circle of life. Now? They’ve got no natural predators, and you can hardly move for the bastards. In fact, it’s hard not to hit them with your car when they dart across the street to get to the newly opened board game store slash pinball parlor.”

Local jocks have reportedly been waiting for this sort of opportunity for a long time.

“I can’t wait to cream some nerds,” said Brock Chetson, a jock who the department has been raising in captivity for a moment like this. “And once I’ve thrown them in dumpsters and given enough of them swirlies, I’m gonna lead the breeding program. That means banging all those dorks’ chicks. For the balance of nature and shit. After we’re through, this nation will never hear the words ‘Dungeons’ or ‘Dragons’ ever again.”

At press time, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service was forced to shut down their plan after several of the jocks stuffed members of the department into lockers.

If AI is So Smart, Why is it Doing My Dead-End Shit-Paying Job?

It’s been eight months since the company I worked for replaced everyone in our call center with artificial intelligence software and walked us out the door. I’m still pissed, but I get it. Telemarketing isn’t brain surgery, and it was only a matter of time before computers figured out how to sling testosterone boosters to lonely sad sacks and conspiracy freaks.

But you can’t convince me that this is the same AI we’re constantly being told poses an existential threat to humanity – I just don’t see how Skynet ends up enslaving mankind with its arsenal of corny icebreakers and free boner pill samples.

Losing my job to a stupid machine was a real punch in the gut, but I know I’ll be fine. If anything, this experience has taught me that human beings are meant to do more than spend their waking life crammed into a windowless basement repeating the catchphrase “…and she’ll like it too!” five thousand times a day.

Let AI do all of the braindead, soul-crushing work – there are so many more meaningful, high-paying jobs that incentivize patience and a strong work ethic, qualities a machine that’s been programmed to do the same tasks over and over without complaint will never achieve.

For the sake of argument, let’s just assume that AI ends up replacing the entire human workforce, from burger flippers and Walmart greeters to astronauts and male enhancement supplement sales reps, we’re still going to need people to manage the AIs, right?

Sentient programs will likely struggle with the same workplace tensions that we meat puppets always have. Like harassment is probably still a thing – who is going to navigate that awkward conversation with the chatbot who got sloppy at the virtual happy hour and went on a 280-character rant about Mexicans? I’m sorry, but if you’re gullible enough to believe that AI is going to solve racism, I have some dick pills to sell you. I used to, anyway.

The more I think about it, there doesn’t appear to be any job a human can do better than a computer that never sleeps and doesn’t need to pay rent, even if that computer happens to be a bigot. AI is coming for all of our jobs and we might as well embrace the change. I mean, how bad could it be? As someone who happily licks boot any time Elon Musk shits out of his mouth, I figure I’m already wired for success in this technocratic hellscape.

Man Waits Until Best Song of Set to Shout Relationship Problems Into Friend’s Ear

NEW YORK — Local man Doug Clearing has been accused of shouting his relationship problems into friend Lewis Samson’s ear during the band Mudd Butt’s best song of their set, annoyed sources confirmed.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t bring Jessica up, but I just couldn’t help it,” Clearing admitted. “Mud Butt started playing this song that reminded me of her. We’re on a break because she says I’m too vanilla. She wants to try pegging and keeps talking about opening the relationship. I’m just not ready for either of those things. Now she’s seeing some jerk who works at the Subway next to my apartment. I don’t want some random dude who permanently smells like an Italian BMT to watch my girlfriend penetrate me. Am I not enough for her? Thank God my boy Lewis was there to listen. I really opened my entire soul to him during that show.”

Samson had a completely different sentiment when recalling events.

“Dude, I was this close to punching him in the throat,” said the longtime friend. “I paid a lot for these tickets and honestly only invited him because my buddy canceled last minute. He used my favorite Mudd Butt song as background music to his weird relationship issues. He could have talked about this to me at absolutely any other time—before the show when we got beers or on the bus ride home or when the opening band played, like a normal person. I didn’t need to know how little sex they’ve had in the past six months or how hung that sandwich guy is during the best moment of the show.”

The lead singer and guitarist of Mudd Butt, Danny Mooreland, was able to witness the event from the stage.

“I’ve never had someone have a conversation so loudly during a set that I could hear them,” Mooreland said while restringing his guitar. “If I could hear him talking about how he was unable to satisfy his girlfriend from the stage, I’m sure everyone else could as well. At first I was a little annoyed, but then I wanted to hear more about that dude with a monster dick that makes paninis. I just let him scream away, even though it was during our biggest hit, ‘Eat. Sleep. Shit.’ For some reason, that song always inspires audience members to open up about their relationship problems.”

Since the show, Mudd Butt has asked Clearing to retell his story as an opening act for their next gig.

Every Shades Apart Album Ranked Worst To Best

One of the more underrated Revelation Records acts to speak of is Bridgewater Township, New Jersey’s power trio Shades Apart. They formed in the late ’80s, released two LPs before being picked up by RR, signed with Universal Records for two more, and split in 2003, only to reform and put out a non-major label LP just a mere seventeen years later via indie Hellminded Records. Whether you know them from their “Tainted Love” cover, track eight on the original “American Pie” soundtrack, or from just being the cool guy in high school who mail-ordered rare/hard-to-find compact discs, we can all agree that the band’s legacy needs more light shined its way, and we’re happy to do our part with our subjective album ranking that is perfect in every which way, and stranger by the day. Bare (eye)witness, and please watch us save it, whatever it is:

7. Self-Titled (1988)

Every band has to start somewhere, and Shades Apart’s lone-1980s self-titled LP proves just that. You punks will all claim to love Orange County, California’s Uniform Choice, but we know the truth, and that you only know that one U.C. “Straight and Aware” longsleeve. Anyway, the two Pats of Uniform Choice,  P. Dubar and P. Longrie, signed the band to their personal Wishingwell Records label, and put out SA’s debut just after the punk AF George Bush, Junior’s CIA poppa dog was elected Commander-in-chief. Though imperfect like most first records, we believe that the band’s self-titled studio album deserves your time, especially if you’re a hardcore Shades Apart fan and want to hear them literally come of age in sonic form.

Play it again: “Shadow of a Cross”
Skip it: Just over ⅓ of it

6. Sonic Boom (2001)

Shades Apart’s second/final major label effort, which led to the band going into hibernation for almost twenty years, (we’ll get to that in a bit) was a misfire by definition that landed in a, you guessed it, sonic boom. Perhaps the band would have churned several more LPs by now, instead of just one, if “Sonic Boom” was morphed into a four or five-song no-filler EP, but, alas, the band got shot down by themselves. Still, it would have been quite tough for any band to release a follow-up album to “Eyewitness,” so we can understandably cut the band some slack.

Play it again: “Behind The Wheel,” even though the one from “Seeing Things” is more endearing
Skip it: ⅓ of it

5. Neon (1993)

Shortly after the band released their “Dude Danger” EP in 1992, the band put out their second LP “Neon” via St. Paul, Minnesota indie label Skene! Records. This album is likely the good luck charm and sole reason that Revelation Records, then home to post-hardcore legends Farside, Into Another, Iceburn, and Kelly Pickler, signed SA, “Neon” is the band’s first consistent effort front to back, and at just nine blistering tracks, it bashes you in the skull with melodic sensibilities that also work as aggressive lullabies until its finish at just over a half an hour. We’re forever calling for Skene! to upload this LP to DSPs so we can listen to it on a platform not called YouTube.

Play it again: “Calling”
Skip it: ¼ of it

4. Eternal Echo (2020)

The COVID-19 pandemic was strange for all of us, but one of the better surprises occurred in the summer of 2020 when Shades Apart released their (lucky) seventh full-length “Eternal Echo,” and it ended up becoming their finest LP from this century. Happily, it’s mostly light not in terms of subject, but in regards to brightness and overall quality here! Lots of recording/songwriting technology changed from 2001 to the year that “Eternal Echo” came out, and the band took advantage of such for this album’s creation in the best way. Perhaps if it was released as album #6, things would have been different, but, as an interesting, at least to us, posit, maybe the failure of “Sonic Boom” inspired the victory of this effort.

Play it again: “95”
Skip it: Just under ¼ of it

3. Save It (1995)

Likely your favorite release here, unless we’re wrong, but we know that we aren’t, Shades Apart’s debut LP for Revelation Records, “Save It,” is a solid record front to back with the band’s finest original compositions at that time, but it is most known for its “Tainted Love” cover, which is so good it is our “play it again” track below… By the way, that is NOT a bad thing! Fun fact: Synthpop duo Soft Cell’s “classic” non-secret life version is also a cover song, so this version is a cover of a Gloria Jones cover. There is nothing new under the sun. Anyway, reverential doo-wop pioneers Descendents members Bill Stevenson and Stephen Egerton produced this raw yet polished effort to a “T,” and set the band up for the next successful six years or so.

Play it again: “Tainted Love”
Skip it: “Weight Of Years”

2. Seeing Things (1997)

First of all, we hope that DSPs eventually fix the typo in the second word to this album title, as not only is “Seeing Thing” not grammatically correct, it is wrong and the person who uploaded it should be chastised forever and ever. By far Shades Apart’s best non-major label LP, “Seeing Things” is also one of the better/more underrated melodic punk rock albums of the ’90s. Why doesn’t it get its justifiable flowers? Beats us, but we will get over it, turn it back around, and provide a fearless bravado with our fist(s). Also, this LP contains little filler, but we legally had to list one song in the “skip it” section, so we did below. While this studio album is the silver medalist, the divide between number one and two would be smaller if said track was eliminated and the record was just ten tracks.

Play it again: “Second Chance,” even though the one from “Eyewitness” is slightly better
Skip it: “Turn It Back Around”

1. Eyewitness (1999)

Speaking of underrated, Shades Apart’s fifth full-length studio album and major label debut for Universal Records is one of the more overlooked rock albums of the ’90s, and try to disagree once you listen for the first time or revisit for the 1999th.  There are no “skip it” tracks here at all. In addition, not every band can make the shift from melodic punk rock to beyond melodic pop rock so effortlessly but not every band is SA… What a major label debut! We will forever wish that the band rose to major headliner status, but sadly that’s not how the underground cookie with stevia and salt crumbled. Still, the band had a minor radio hit with track four, “Valentine,” and we can’t scoff at that. We’ll see ourselves out and make our escape at the end of “Casablanca”.

Play it again: “Edge Of The Century” – “Speed Of Light”
Skip it: “Corner Of The Decade” – “Rise Of Sound”

“Curb Your Enthusiasm” Characters Based On How Likely They Are to Help Your Band Unload Gear

With Larry David announcing that the twelfth season of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” will be the iconic comedy series’ final one, we decided to offer our take on the show. So, keeping in the spirit of the show’s regular look at social rules and faux pas, please enjoy the list of which characters will be most receptive to your band’s request for help bringing your gear from the van to the venue that we happen to think is prettay, prettay good.

50. Susie Greene

You’d think we’d be stupid enough to even ask Susie to help lift a bass cab? All we’d get is her screaming at us that we’re a fat, bald, or four-eyed fuck the whole time and that we’re doing it wrong. Just the thought of it is enough to cause us to curl in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably.

49. Carl

He’s dead, so he probably won’t be at your show, let alone able to help unload your gear. You can blame the New York Jets for that. Still, we think attempting to raise the dead in order to put them to work is less stressful than having to deal with Susie.

48. Cheryl’s Mom

If she can’t be bothered to get her own sponge, we can’t really see her unloading amps and other large instruments from a van. Just be happy if she doesn’t ask the band is going to pray before going on stage.

47. Antoinette

Given that Larry can barely get Antoinette to perform her actual job duties without it becoming a whole thing, the likelihood of her offering you any assistance is next to zero. Though given that she’s not especially good at her day job, this might be a good thing.

46. Stu Braudy

You honestly think the guy who always had to go to the bathroom whenever the check showed up is going to unload your van for you?  Not a chance, but he will ask to be on your guest list.

45. Norm

He just seems like a generally unpleasant person to be around altogether ( even in death, Larry called him a prick,) so he’d likely just flat-out turn you down and say something about his high blood pressure. He’s a slow golfer, and golf is way easier than lugging your gear down a flight of dimly lit, soaking-wet stairs to play a basement show, you’re probably better off having him shoot you down.

44. Cassie David

Larry’s cousin Andy’s wife doesn’t really seem like the type that does heavy lifting. Actually, from her few appearances, we’re not really sure what it is exactly she does. Something arts and crafts related we think? Anyway, if she did say yes, she’d probably just send Andy in her place.

43. Marla

Probably a no, but, given her tendency to simply take things out of other people’s vehicles without even asking, there’s a possibility that if you park the van close enough to her, she might just poke her head in and grab a cymbal or some merch. Just don’t expect it to be in the same condition it originally was.

42. Albert Brooks

Not to cast aspersions on Albert Brooks’ work ethic, we’re just a bit skeptical that the kind of person who hoarded masks and hand sanitizer during Covid and threw a “living funeral” to hear his friends say how great he was is going to help unload your van.

41. Dr. Morrison

Hard no. The man just wants to enjoy a quiet evening with his wife in peace after a hard day’s work. If you’re a patient of his, you shouldn’t even ask him to come to the show as he doesn’t like to be bothered by patients outside of office hours. Call his service, they might be able to help.

40. Monena

Given all the demands she made when Larry offered to pay her just so he could use the carpool lane, it’s not looking good. She’d probably expect you to pay her, have her tab covered, and get put on the list. Any refusals would likely result in her pimp being called. Just ask if she’s got any Chronic and get on with your day.

39. Marcos Estrada

The only way this sleazebag would do it is if you agreed to let his talentless daughter be your band’s new lead singer and if her singing is as good as her acting, you’re set is kinda fucked. Plus, he seems to be a litigious type and would probably make up some bullshit about hurting his back and sue you.

38. Mr. Takahashi

He’s got a whole country club to run, a swan murderer to find, golfer’s wives to fuck. You think he has time to help your little pissant band unload their gear? Besides, he probably views manual labor as being beneath him. Ask him again and you’re going to find yourself banned from the club.

37. Omar Jones

Just because you’re paying him to be your private investigator doesn’t mean he’s at your beck and call 24/7. Especially for something like this. He has other clients you know and is still pretty pissed about you eating his edible panties while stuck on that ski lift.

36. Dr. Templeton

Just like you don’t mention his love of truffles, you don’t ask your therapist to help you move your shit. Like not mentioning anything he told you during your session, asking him to do you a favor violates the patient-doctor trust, which we’re still not really sure is a thing.

35. Merle

You would think a character played by Sleater-Kinney’s Carrie Brownstein would be higher on this list, but given her limp, work ethic, and tendency to use constipation as an excuse to take a sick day, it’s not likely she would and probably wouldn’t be much help anyway. Just foist her on the merch guy.

34. Michael

Sure, he owes you more than a few favors as you’ve helped him move, cleaned his apartment, and even went to see his god-awful show. It’s just asking a blind guy to help carry your gear could be seen in poor taste and people will talk.

33. Auntie Rae

Why are you even asking Auntie Rae to unload your gear? This poor woman survived a horrible hurricane and got uprooted across the country and you’re asking her to take your Marshall stacks up to the stage? There aren’t even stairs, it’s just milk crates stacked up, shes going to get hurt. Just be happy she came and let her enjoy the show. Fuck you, that’s some bullshit.

32. Yogi Tina

As a yoga instructor, she probably has good core strength and heavy lifting is definitely a good way to work on your core. Plus, believing in harmony and balance, she’d see good karma coming from performing a favor. On the other hand, we didn’t say Namaste with the rest of the class at the end of our last class.

31. Dylan O’Brien

He’s a celebrity and they’re not used to having to do actual work. Plus, he’s got his own musical thing going on and he’d likely only offer to help in exchange for you coming to his show or letting his band open for yours. Unless you like terrible covers of “Peaches” it’s probably best to just not even bother.

30. Krazee Eyez Killa

Within the Curb universe, Krazee Eyez is an established star, so if anything your band would be unloading gear for him. On the off-chance he is at whatever garbage venue you’re lucky enough to play at, just thank him for attending and ask if he has any tips for eating pussy.

29. Mary Steenburgen

She was working as a struggling actor in the late seventies in New York, so she might’ve gone to punk shows then, but now that she’s an Oscar winner and 70, she may not go to many shows anymore. She might offer an empty “anything I can help with” gesture, but you probably shouldn’t take it up.

28. Cha-Cha

You can try asking, she might even say yes! But, prepared to be confronted by Richard Lewis asking where the hell you get off asking his girlfriend to be your roadie? Plus, she’d probably talk your ear off about some bullshit the whole time and you really need to be in the zone before your gig and not engage in small talk.

27. Sammy Greene

In Sammy’s defense, she’d probably help, but the second Susie finds out, she’d put a stop to it and ask who the fuck we think we are making her little girl haul our shit around and to “do it yourself you lazy fucks’. Then she’d start throwing accusations of us being up to something and you don’t really need that energy ahead of a gig. On the plus side, this interaction will likely keep your frontman from sliding into her DMs.

26. Nat David

For one, the likelihood that an elderly Jewish man is going to a punk show is slim. In his younger days, he probably would be game, but are you seriously asking an octogenarian to haul the theremin your pretentious frontman just got? Just let him enjoy the show until it gets too loud for him.

38-Year-Old Hospitalized After Second Shot of Goldschlager

HARTFORD, Conn. — Elder millennial Thomas Sharpe is reportedly in “critical and deteriorating condition” after erroneously believing that his haggard husk of a body could handle a second of shot of Goldschlager, sources who wish they could just die already confirmed.

“Well, it looks like this is the end. I just wanted to go out for beers with the guys from my old band, Trash Cumpactor. But now I guess I’m just gonna continuously sweat and vomit myself to death in this janky hospital,” bemoaned Sharpe, while simultaneously hooked up to three different life support systems. “I wish I could say I’ve lived a good life, but that would be a lie. The only time I’ve ever been on an airplane was a family trip to Disneyland when I was 14, and I nearly puked myself to death after eating two full clouds of cotton candy. Please, someone tell my wife that I love her. And also, tell my buddy P.J. that he’s a real dick for buying me that second shot.”

Attending physician, Herdy MacMillan M.D., detailed Sharp’s remarkably grim prognosis.

“Mr. Sharpe has what we medical professionals refer to as ‘a shitty old person body.’ Unfortunately there’s not much we can do at this point but make him as comfortable as possible with intravenous Pedialyte doses,” explained MacMillan. “Frankly, telling you all this is a flagrant disregard for doctor-patient confidentiality – but hey, the guy’s gonna be dead in a few hours anyway and we are going to harvest the hell out of his organs, so fuck it.”

A bartender at The Shady Ambulance, the dive bar where Sharpe was served the second Goldschlager shot against recently imposed Connecticut liquor code regulations, shared his perspective on Sharpe’s impending death.

“Yeah, I see it every day. These old fucks come in here thinking they can still drink like the degenerate frat boys they once were, forgetting all the while that they have to drive their five-year-old to ballet class at 6 a.m. the next day,” said bartender Shep Plantina. “But hey, it’s not my problem if they can’t handle their booze – at least not until they vomit in one of the ashtrays. Then the homeless guy we give five dollars to clean up once a week has to deal with it. So it’s still not my problem!”

At press time, Sharpe had begun revising his last will and testament, emphatically insisting on the exacting wording of the phrase “P.J. gets nothing and can suck it.”

If You’re Having Girl Problems, I Feel Bad For You Son. You’ll Feel Better If You Talk About Them—Let’s Go Get Some Ice Cream On Me and Chat, Bud

Hey man, you ok? You’ve been looking a little down lately. From 93 til infinity, we’ve always been honest with each other. Are things going well in your relationship?

If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. That can be really tough— you’ll feel a lot better if you get those feelings out and talk about them. Want to go get some ice cream and chat bud? I’m paying. I know a good place right around the corner just past the crossroads. They have 99 flavors but a peach ain’t one, sadly.

Sometimes in relationships, negative things build up inside. And before you know it, the temperature’s rising. So you have to sit down and get to the heart of the matter before your girl comes at you with the ol’ “Don’t push me because I’m close to the edge,” (emotionally speaking).

Is it money problems? You know, the more money we come across, the more problems we see. Financial strain in relationships is very real. Maybe you could work together to set expectations? Budgeting ain’t nuthing ta f’ wit!

Or are the problems more bedroom-related? You need to exercise and eat healthy to maintain that O.P.P. (optimal penis performance). Sex is a very important part of relationships; you got what your partner needs. Without it, she’ll say you’re just a friend. So it’s time to have those tough conversations and get both of your desires out in the air. If you don’t know, now you know, brother. Ask her what she wants.

The only way you can fail is by inaction. You have to fight for your right to a girlfriend; otherwise you’ll have to move back into your parents’ basement and eat mom’s spaghetti. Nobody wants that. Time to get ready for the next episode. Hey hey hey heyyy- gratitude journal every day!

So what are you gonna order? French vanilla, butter pecan, chocolate deluxe. Even caramel sundaes is getting touched, so hurry up and pick. My cone is melting.