LOS ANGELES – The neighbor of Fred Durst is reportedly nonplussed after his chainsaw was returned absolutely covered in the skin of someone’s ass after allowing the Limp Bizkit frontman to borrow it for the weekend, neighborhood sources confirmed.
“I figured that he probably needed to cut down a tree or something but damn was I wrong,” said Durst’s neighbor Scott Ebley. “Instead there’s chunks of skin gunking everything up. I assumed he did some crazy shit like cutting up a pig but no, he confirmed to me that it was 100% ass skin and nothing else. Like what the hell man? Any reasonable person would’ve at least done the smallest bit of cleaning but nope, all blood and ass skin. He then called me a chump and said I had to stop talking shit about ‘My Generation’ and flipped me the bird before driving away in a car shaped like his iconic red hat. We’re only two years apart in age.”
Durst believes that his neighbor should’ve expected this outcome because his catalog of music clearly showed that this is what would happen.
“I have made some things very clear about myself, I pack a chainsaw and if you come at me I’ll skin your ass raw all the way down to your chocolate starfish,” said a peeved Durst. “If I find someone rolling rolling rolling my way and I’m feeling like shit well you can only expect that you’re gonna to get it. Talk shit and you’ll be leaving with a fat lip. Do I have to make myself any clearer that I, the man who single-handedly destroyed Woodstock ‘99, will fuck you up? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
One new chainsaw company CEO believes he has the solution to this problem if Durst is willing to hear his offer out.
“The problem with using most chainsaws to skin asses is that the blades of a chainsaw aren’t really designed to cut flesh,” said Suleyman Gorbon the CEO of ‘ChainMaul’ a company that specializes in flesh cutting chainsaws. “However, with our special vibrating porcelain chainsaw teeth you can easily skin any ass raw in half the time without risking cutting into the flesh below. I’d love to give Fred a ChainMaul and have him join on as our spokesman but he said he wouldn’t do it for anything less than 1,000,000 gallons of hot dog-flavored water and some nookie. Where the hell am I going to get that much hot dog water? The nookie shouldn’t be a problem though.”
At press time, Ebley was refusing to let Durst borrow his ‘The Who Greatest Hits’ album for fear he would be tempted to cover more of their songs.