BOULDER, Colo. – Local man Rozco Ambo admitted he was concerned that the entire crowd watched him completely botch his air drumming routine during a recent performance by his favorite band Propagandhi, sources confirmed.
“Dude. I know ‘Back to the Motor League’ as well as I know the lunch menu at Boulder Vegan Cafe, man. How could I have missed the hi-hat? I practice that shit every day. My boss told me if I don’t stop air drumming during my shift he’s going to have to hire a new crossing guard,” said Ambo while hiding in a dark corner. “Everything was going perfect for most of the song. I nailed the groove, the fills, I had it all then all of a sudden I just completely whiffed on the hi-hat. Thankfully the guys in the band were able to play through it, but the people standing behind me are probably still laughing their asses off at my mistake.”
Another concertgoer observed Ambo sulking in the rear of the venue.
“I can’t believe that guy. That was one of the saddest displays of air drumming I’ve ever seen. I was deep in the pocket playing air bass and I was trying to lock in with him, but he made way too many mistakes. It was unprofessional to say the least,” said Lizzie Foster. “Anyone could see he was completely off. Jord was doing a standard paradiddle behind the kit and this guy in the crowd is air-bashing cymbals like he was Neil Peart. If you can’t keep air time then please don’t come an air drum at any show I’m at.”
Ryan Utes, a local air instrument expert, says a lot of people overestimate their air-playing skills.
“I can understand the frustration. It’s easy to air drum at home when the bright stage lights that aren’t anywhere near you are turned off, but the pressure of doing it live can be too much for some people,” said Utes. It’s no easy street, but if you are at a show and start jamming along, you had better get it right. Tre Cool from Green Day is known to leave the stage and cancel the rest of the show if he sees people air drumming incorrectly. This is not a game to some people.”
At press time, Ambo was being charged with assault after he allegedly injured the bartender’s eye when he air threw his air sticks in frustration.
Coming in dead last, “Bodom’s Midlife Crisis” would have been a better title, or better yet, “Bodom Till Midnight,” since it falls so short. This album seems full of recycled material that Bodom has done better in the past. Deep down we would like to think they were trying to recycle their “heavy metal” sound to do their part in combating climate change, which would be a noble endeavor. You’d rather find yourself with some strange campers than be caught listening to this album.
Second to last on both this listing and chronological discography, with a title just as uncool, you would at least hope that some chaos worship would bring for a glorious blaze of guitar theatrics and keyboards in the haze. And while there is chaos to be found here, it’s in the inconsistent songs, quality and overall vibe, that fail to capture the very magic of Lake Bodom in winter. The danger too.
A literal and figurative question at this point, since the Wildchild antics and general ennui had taken a toll on the band, but thankfully there are some good times on this album, courtesy of singles “Are You Dead Yet” and “Trashed, Lost and Strungout.” Plus, “Living Dead Beat” is an anthem for creatures of the night everywhere. Unfortunately, the rest of the album falls flat with mediocre songwriting and unimaginative hooks.
Owing more to thrash than to the typically symphonic and melodic side, this album delivers on its promise to get us whatever the hell blooddrunk is. Fun fact, the utterance of blooddrunk on the title track can be replaced with buttchug, and it fits perfectly fine to replace in a singalong at a metal kegger. Plus, there’s a banjo solo on this album, and who doesn’t want to get down with the sick twang of the ‘jo!
Children of Bodom’s debut album contained more of a raw, black metal-influenced sound, without the refined, polished songwriting of later releases. While the riff is the undisputed focal point of heavy metal, this album contains just too much riff salad for the discerning listener, and you don’t make friends with riff salad.
A return to glorious form and a fuck you to the flower power hairband of 2010s bro festival culture, “Halo of Blood” proved that there was more in the tank from the boys. Combining sounds from all over Bodom’s storied career, with songwriting to boot, and some of the most inspired leads since “Follow the Reaper,” it sounded as if Bodom were finding their way after several average outings.
The Final Chapter of the Bodom saga, the band goes down swinging with a swagger unseen since their prime, with fresh axeman Danie Freyberg providing arguably the best counterpoint to the maestro since Alex Kuppola (sorry Roope, it’s not you, but also, it’s you). Plus, the entire band is on full display, with keyboard wizard Janne Wirrman being on point as always, basslines forged by Henkka T. “Blacksmith” Seppala, and ole reliable drummer Jaska Raatikinen bringing their A+ game. Truly, the band is on full display, no songs that dismay, living proof of their fame, and as Mike Shinoda would say, a reason to remember the name.
When the opening notes hit like a bunch of needles, directly thrust into your skin, you just know this is the stroke of genius. Not only had Alexi and co. not just popularize shredding for the next generation, but also tattoos, as millions across the globe would try in vain to capture the static, but beautiful attack of Bodom. Blistering guitars, melodic keyboards, rhythming rhythm section, this beauty’s got ‘em all.
Don’t let the title fool you, there is so much love to give to this album, and so much more if you share it with a friend. This is the record where Bodom found their sound and perfected it, allegedly by hiking through the Swedish Woods instead of the Norwegian woods, hence the toning down of the black metal influences. What’s left is moody, melodic and shreddy metal that would influence a generation of guitarists and nail polish enthusiasts.
Since the very title of this album is a call to arms, you answer, or the reaper will presumably get you, and in your undead state, you would be forced to Follow the Reaper regardless. This album almost made the band change their name from Children of Bodom, to Adults of Bodom, due to its sheer quality, but it doesn’t have that ring to it. Rumour has it that Michael Fassbender based his performance in the perfection meme on his reaction to hearing this album. Soooo metal that scientists have yet to classify it.
What the H-E-double FUCK what this movie about? It was just a bunch of people wandering around a dusty old hotel and like… thinking about stuff. Do you even realize how boring this is? You could have the perfect setup. Sweet-ass love triangle about Gal Gadot, Ryan Reynolds and Vin Diesel staying at the same hotel, and then… giant robots attack and try and blow up the place. And they escape through the basement which is also a rocketship. How sick would that be?
Are you serious? Are you so serious right now? This was unbelievable! The “Godzilla” movies are like my favorite things in the world. He’s the King of Monsters. He fights King Kong. He’s amazing! but this movie is just a bunch of scientists sitting around talking about how sad they are. Next thing you’ll be telling me there’s a “King Kong” film that’s old and cheesy and black and white. Thank God they fixed all that in the ‘98 remake.
So much wasted potential here in another movie about some maid who just stands around being sad. I know this movie’s about racism. I’ve seen movies like it. I’ve seen “The Help.” But this movie could’ve been like a really sick, slasher thriller. Eventually, this lady should’ve gotten fed up, said “I’m not gonna talk French anymore,” and took a kitchen knife and slashed that family up. Like this could’ve been Jason-core, straight up.
Speaking of horror… more like speaking of snore. How can a movie this short be this boring. This is the story of a lady who’s mad that her husband cares more about hunting than her (probably because she won’t stop yapping at him) and so she turns herself into a vampire reindeer and starts eating all the men in the village. And not in a fun way. Imagine how could this could’ve been if they’d really gone all out on like the vampires vs. vampire-hunters. It could’ve been like “Blade” or even better, “Van Helsing.”
Don’t start with me on this one. I know they were technically speaking English in this film, but Australia is like England’s Quebec. I couldn’t make out a single word of what they were saying. Plus, like… this is clearly a movie where they… I don’t know… forgot to end it. Like WTF? Did they run out of money? I mean, first of all, those girls were clearly snatched up by aliens. So let me ask you this… why don’t we remake this… and instead of ending the story way too early, you get the Rock to go up into space, kick some alien butt and save those girls? Too easy. Billion dollars opening weekend guaranteed.
This was one that I watched because this girl wouldn’t stop talking about it. Normally when girls are always on about animated films, it’s like some big-eyed Pixar B.S., but this was even worse. I would’ve sat through “Wall-E” a hundred times before I watched this. The plot made no sense, the animation was wayyyyy too all over the place, and they were speaking Spanish and German. Two languages I don’t speak a lick of. Made no sense. She should’ve gotten a gun and shot the wolf down. Then she and the pigs should’ve become bounty hunters. Would’ve been sweet. You could do it all sick and bloody like that animated flashback scene from “Kill Bill.”
BRRRRROOOOOO! Like, literally, just leave. Just leave the house, bro. Just have them leave the house. Like, was this made for no money? I kept waiting for the moment when the bad guy was gonna show up. They said this movie was gonna be about someone called the “exterminating angel,” but there wasn’t an angel and no one got exterminated. Sucked. My pitch is, do away with the plot entirely, except have it be about this supervillain who can freeze people in place. You could probably do a whole cinematic universe about that. Maybe he could be a new villain for Daredevil to fight.
This movie is supposed to be about knights. There wasn’t even a single medieval set piece. Nobody ever fought a dragon or an orc or a dark wizard or anything. When I read the plot summary on IMDb, it said it was about a knight trying to play a game of chess with the Grim Reaper so he doesn’t die. That’s a cool premise, straight up. I mean chess is boring, but at least that’s a plot. But there’s barely any time spent on the chess game. So stupid. What it should be is like a literal chase. Whole movie should’ve been like “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Seriously, “Fury Road” is like the greatest movie ever made. It’s like high art. “Furiosa” is gonna clean sweep the Oscars, dude. Seriously.
Y’all are just trying to piss me off at this point. Not only is this movie boring AF, all the important stuff is like… not in it. Nothing happens, except people talk about stuff happening. It’s basically a play. And the only play I’ve ever seen is “Cats” and that gave me weird feelings when they all started crawling out over the audience. I don’t know what to do with this film other than the fact that the father/daughter relationship is really big here. Gotta be a cool daddy/daughter action flick in that. Maybe with ninjas.
UUUUUUUGH! These guys over at A24 are just killing me lately. This is a movie that ends where a good movie should begin. It’s got the perfect set-up. This gross ram-guy comes out of the woods, shoots this lady’s husband and steals her lamb/human baby. That’s not an ending. That’s the set-up to the next “John Wick” movie.
Everybody’s all hot and crazy for this Yorgos Lanthimos dude lately. I don’t get it. I saw “Poor Things.” They brought Emma Stone back from the dead and she didn’t even get superpowers. And this movie… it’s about these parents who are basically raising their kids in a cult to never leave the house. So much you could do with that. The kids could plot their escape “Shawshank” style. Or at the very least, there could be a final fight between the Dad and the kids. Something!
Man, Billy Idol must be a lot more pretentious than I thought he was if he was willing to name a song after this thing. This could’ve been an amazing film. Like this is a story about a dude cutting peoples’ faces off to try and graft them onto his daughter. That could’ve been like something out of the greatest movie ever… “Hostel: Part II,” but instead it’s just more Frenchies whining.
I’ve literally never wished I was watching future Best Picture winner “The Flash” more than when I was watching this movie. “Where Is the Friend’s House?” (dumb title, by the way) is just about this stupid kid walking around trying to return a notebook. Imagine how great this would be if he could run fast. He’d probably arrive at the house in time to save his friend from violent home invaders. That’s like primal stuff. Pretty cool if ya ask me.
Oh my God… make up your mind. Not only did this movie decide it needed to be three hours long – I could’ve literally watched three “Game of Thrones” episodes in that time – the plot was complete gibberish. First it was this bit about hair, then it was this weird long bit in the snow. I thought it was setting up character arcs like “Oceans 11” but then it kept going. Eventually it got to this big battle scene and I thought finally. But then that just became this story about this musician guy. And it kept going. And guess what, the main guy – Kwaidan – he never showed up. Not one of the guys in the movie was Kwaidan. They should remake just the part with the battle, but as like a super cool sequel to “The Last Samurai.” Tom Cruise could definitely play Kwaidan.
I genuinely couldn’t believe this movie won Best Picture. Like… genuinely. You know what should’ve won best picture? “Avatar.” Okay, you know what should’ve won? “Endgame.” Greatest movie of all time. You know what? I’m just gonna say it… “Way of Water” and “Top Gun: Maverick” should’ve both won last year. They should’ve gotten to split the Oscar. Those are real movies. Not this. My girlfriend at the time said it was a thriller. Thrillers have explosions. Where were the explosions? You know what, though? It’s gonna be fine. “Sound of Freedom” is gonna win this year. That movie brought me to tears.
Oh Lord, not singing. Anything but singing. I went into this film being told it was a really cool movie about computer hackers and telekinesis. That’s dope. That’s like “Blackhat” meets “Firestarter.” I was actually really excited for this one. And then… then the singing started. You know what I found out after? That Lin-Manuel Miranda dude who did like “Hamilton” and other stuff… yeah, he produced this. Take out the singing and we’ll talk.
I was really stoked for this movie. Granted, I read nothing about it, but I was still stoked. Based on the title alone, I figured it was gonna be like a ghost story about a family being haunted by a literal headless woman. And then it turned into this hit and run drama, so I thought… okay cool, it’ll be like a police procedural. And then it wasn’t. So much wasted potential. Hollywood, take notes, this is the perfect chance to do a movie where a little ghost boy decapitates the lady who ran him over.
I love spy movies. I’ve seen all the recent James Bond films multiple times. So imagine how excited I was to hear about a movie where this KGB dude was spying on people. I thought it was gonna be epic, lots of chase scenes and shootouts. Like “Atomic Blonde” but… you know, better. Maybe I should make films. I could totally make those films. How much could it cost, anyway? Like, not as much as “Endgame.” Probably not even as much as “Age of Ultron.”
How is it possible the only interesting scene in this movie is where that Mike Pence-looking dude with the hands chases after that girl scout? And like seriously… why don’t we know more about these monsters? This thing could’ve been its own cinematic universe. Like, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know the mom’s backstory. The stepdad’s backstory. I wanted to see more of the rebels. I wanted to see the little girl running the kingdom with her Mom and Dad. So much wasted sequel potential here. Really tragic.
Look, don’t get me wrong, I love a good courtroom thriller. In fact, “Bee Movie” is one of my favorite films. But this? What even was this? It couldn’t decide what story it wanted to tell, so it needed to tell the same story four times? Nah. Pass. Plus, this movie made my girlfriend and me get into a huge fight. She says I talked all the way through it, but I genuinely don’t remember that.
I’m genuinely pissed off about this one. The girl I was with at the time (same one I watched “Rashomon” with) she flat out lied and told me this was a Japanese remake of the movie “Drive.” And she knows that’s one of my favorite movies. Ryan Gosling is literally me in that. Instead, I got a confusing three hours of people talking about Chekhov, the guy from “Star Trek.” And they never even watched “Star Trek.” What a waste. I would’ve rather watched three hours of car crash videos.
I actually really tried with this one. People were calling me a dumb, stupid idiot. They said I had no culture. I went down to the library, I told the librarian “I want something exciting, but also foreign and old.” She gave me “M.” Apparently this was supposed to be the first-ever police procedural. But there was barely any police work. When there were police, the movie just made them look stupid. Imagine how cool this could be with Jason Statham. He’d be like: “Oy! Come ‘ere you fuckin’ kiddy-diddler!” And then he’d beat the guy to a pulp. Good shit.
See, I’m a big fan of James Cameron. Not sure if you know this, but he directed “Way of Water,” a film that has had colossal cultural influence. He also directed “Aliens,” which is the best movie in the “Alien” franchise. My man can’t miss. You should never bet against box office Jim. That’s why I think he should remake this film, except he should make like a sci-fi action horror film about a shape-shifting alien hunting the crew of a ship. That’d make a billion at the box office, easy. Probably win Best Picture.
Figures the “Exterminating Angel” guy did this. Like what, was that one not weird enough for you? You had to make another super weird, super-nonsense film about rich dudes having a dinner party. I will say, I was interested in this film at first because I thought it was gonna be about cocaine smuggling and assassination attempts. I actually liked those bits. But the rest of this was just complete nowheresville.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s that vampires were ruined by the “Twilight” movies. And this is clearly just a part of that trend. It’s a movie about some weepy teenage girl and her vampire obsession. Like, give me a break. See, this is why Universal never should’ve abandoned the Dark Universe. We need vampires to be cool and macho again. Although, seriously, NGL… the de-aged Grandma was a straight-up baddy.
“You’ll definitely like this one,” the librarian told me. “It’s just like ‘Blade Runner.’” Yeah, or not. Not only was this a foreign film, it was a silent film. Silent. No dialogue. Which don’t get me wrong, I hate when movies have a lot of talking in them, but this is ridiculous. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate this film as much as a lot of the others, but it still wasn’t very interesting. They should’ve at least had the robot try and detonate a nuke or something. Like “Age of Ultron” is definitely the weakest “Avengers” movie, but at least it’s more interesting than this.
I’ll admit it. I watched “Mulholland Dr.” And I did that mainly because I heard you got to see naked Naomi Watts in it. I didn’t like haaaaaate that movie, so when I heard about this one, I was willing to give it a shot. And I’ll admit, out of all of the ones we’ve talked about so far, this is actually maybe the most interesting. I mean, it’s still fucking weird, but like… I kinda got this one. Honestly, what pissed me off was the ten minutes of just nonsense images that played at the start of the film. Like bro, if you need to pad out your movie so bad, just put in a sex scene.
I… did I… like this film? I think I might’ve. “Breathless” is the story of this petty criminal who kills a cop and then hides out at his girlfriend’s place. And despite all the… you know… Frenchiness of it, this had everything I was looking for. Pretty ladies, cool dudes, gunfire. This movie would be perfect for an American remake, and I think it should star Ryan Gosling, because just like in “Drive,” he would be literally me.
Like “This is Spinal Tap” but about a dictator. Like I’ll admit, I found it a little bit far-fetched, but as far as mockumentaries go, this one was actually pretty good. And it was in English, thankfully. It’s a bit of a far-fetched premise, I think, and definitely shows its age with some of the jokes, but it was nice to have a comedy on here. Unfortunately, I got into a fight with the people I was watching this with, because they were like super convinced this was all real. But jokes on them, they don’t make mockumentaries about real things. Idiots.
Alright. Now this… this right here. This is the movie that pissed me off the most. This movie is about some dude whose bike gets stolen and he and his son wander around all day like a couple of jackasses trying to find it. And guess what… they don’t. I mean, what a waste. If I’d made this movie, I would’ve had it end with the main characters tracking down and infiltrating an evil syndicate of bicycle thieves. Definitely I would’ve had a high-speed chase on bikes as a climactic point. And in the lead role, you know I’d cast the absolute GOAT Chris Pratt.
Despite the cool “Twilight Zone” reference in the title, the band’s debut full-length is easily dead last. It’s meat-and-potatoes grindcore that likely would have been consigned to the dustbin of extreme music if Cattle Decapitation hadn’t gone on to evolve as dramatically as they did. “To Serve Man” is not a pleasant listen; the songs are gross, both conceptually and aurally, and the production makes early Carcass sound nuanced. But as a counterpoint to their more recent work, it’s a nice reminder that even a band with song titles like “Testicular Manslaughter” can grow and refine their craft.
Cattle Decapitation is well known, especially in their earlier work, for having a gift for puns and wordplay, but surely they’ll never top this album title. They were, in this era, truly the Oscar Wilde of deathgrind. Musically, this is a huge improvement over “To Serve Man.” The songwriting is more dynamic and you can already hear a glimmer of the proggy/techy death metal that they’ll fully embrace later in their career. The title track has some riffs you could easily mistake for early Morbid Angel. And the production is light-years better. But let’s be honest, the cover art is always going to be the most memorable thing about this one. There’s gross, there’s REALLY gross, and there’s this.
Bear with me here: This album is Cattle Decapitation’s “Rubber Soul.” It’s a crucial pivot for a band that wants to reinvent itself but isn’t QUITE sure how to do it yet. There are still some nasty grindcore moments, but their sound is drastically evolving here, with the tech-death elements slowly but surely taking shape. This is also where the band starts to get serious about their socio-political stances, and the relative lack of gross-out song titles suggests a more earnest sense of purpose that’s reflected in the ferocity of (most of) the music.
Why stop the analogy now? This album is Cattle Decapitation’s “Revolver.” It’s the beginning of a sustained period of prolific and absolutely ass-kicking output from a band that suddenly seems entirely confident in its artistic identity. And the album art is harrowing as hell. While most of their covers (all of them done by the legendary Wes Benscoter) are gross in a cartoonish, Cannibal Corpse kind of way, this one is just flat-out grim, and a logical continuation of the relatively cheesy “Karma Bloody Karma” cover (that’s totally a cow in the prison guard uniform; we will fight you about this). We’re only at #5, but we’ve already reached the point where you could put this and the remaining albums in any order and it would be perfectly respectable. We wouldn’t even blink if someone said Harvest Floor was their #1. It’s brilliant.
At last, we deviate from chronological order! For almost any other band in this genre, “Anthropocene” would probably be considered a magnum opus. Cattle Decapitation has so many great albums that it’s only barely in the top half of the ranking. This album has a bit more emphasis on melody than a lot of the discography, but that doesn’t make it any less ferocious. A lot of people will say it sounds like they’re trying to recreate its predecessor (see #2), but there are far worse albums a band could try to recreate. We are, however, docking one point for the presence of Phil Anselmo. Yeah yeah, Pantera was a Very Important Band in the ’90s. But still, ugh. All that said, this too is a brilliant album.
So intense. So heavy. So brutal. So well-written. Such an intriguing narrative concept. Such an immaculate production job. Such superhuman speed from Dave McGraw’s peerless drumwork. Such offputting album art. And SO much critical consensus. Every reviewer out there pretty much tripped over themselves to heap praise on this thing. It showed up on literally every single year-end list we checked out, and we are music obsessives who love a good subjectively determined hierarchy, so we checked out quite a few. This album proves that Cattle Decapitation just doesn’t miss. When they put out an album, you can count on it being a banger. And it’s still only #3…
OK, so this is their “Sgt. Pepper.” Yep, the analogy is still going. It’s a front-to-back stunning record, with a fully-formed narrative concept that will continue through the next several releases. Travis Ryan’s vocal stylings, which were always noteworthy, hit a new and jaw-dropping peak, something that will also continue through the next several releases. The band’s socio-political rage only gets more intense from here, and the music that it’s channeled through on “Monolith” will floor you, plain and simple. It’s the kind of album you wish you could go back and listen to for the first time again.
You can smell the hatred for humanity’s innate badness emanating off of this album from the moment you drop the needle. It’s a relentless indictment of the irreversible damage we’ve done to the earth, to each other, and to ourselves. Previous albums seemed to have an inkling (like, a REALLY REMOTE inkling, but still an inkling) of hope that maybe we could set things right. But the DNA of “Death Atlas” is all fire and brimstone, apocalypse and obliteration. That they were able to follow this album up at all, much less with the excellent “Terrasite,” is a testament to the band’s creativity. This is a concept album in the purest sense, a multi-modal account of everything going to hell, with some of the most punishing and precise death metal you’ll ever hear. Far from seeming to pad out the runtime, the spoken word and ambient passages provide a grim backdrop of global calamity that gels perfectly with the music. If there were ever an extreme metal album that ought to be regarded as a complete and unified work of art, it’s this.
This is your favorite brand. You don’t go to any funeral without a Truly hidden inside each coat pocket. It makes hugs bulky and awkward, plus may give you moisture stains, but you can ditch those aluminum bad-boys once you pinch your nose and throw back a few Trulys in the bathroom. Eulogies are truly better when catching a pleasant, low-humming buzz.
Originally launched as SpikedSeltzer in 2013, this is one of the O.G. brands. Hell, you remember your cool older cousin slipping you one of these before Grandpa’s wake. He handed you the can, like a passing of the torch or visualized metaphor for familial alcoholism. You were underage, but hey – this is a funeral. Like a long marriage, gotta keep it exciting somehow.
Unfortunately the liquor store around the corner from the funeral parlor only sold 24 oz. cans of Bud Light Seltzer, which you discreetly pound in the parking lot before taking a seat. Try not to yak, those flavors aren’t sitting well with the Qdoba you scarfed at home. Those cans are too big to bring in, best to post up near the recycling bins for easy disposal and discreet voms.
Hey, the first hard seltzer with antioxidant Vitamin C! It’s like medicine, right? You’re practically getting your exercise for the day, chugging your Vizzy while crouched on the floor, nestled between pews. Just pretend you dropped your wallet or fidget-spinner. Or begin crying, like you’re overwrought with grief. People may politely ignore you, but if they’re particularly over-emotive, or Eastern European, they may even join in.
On a budget? Natty Light’s got you covered. Hell, bring a whole case in. But be careful: this is in a traditional can, slightly wider, harder to sneak in. May make the pocket seams burst at the can’s girth. Perhaps bring a large bouquet of flowers, hiding your Natty Light Seltzers deep inside the lilies and carnations. You’re a classy dude! Hell, you might even wear your wallet chain to the funeral. That’s like the equivalent of a modern pocket watch, right? Natty Light seltzer, for those of discerning taste.
OK, so it’s not technically seltzer, but be careful with these. Those vodka/soda grapefruit-flavored drinks go down easy. You definitely don’t want to be blackout at a funeral (again). In fact, there was a period where you were no longer invited to family funerals, ever since “the accident.” Long story short: it was autumn 2021, you had too many High Noons, you peed yourself while Aunt Gretchen’s casket was lowered and the stream trickled into the burial plot. Stilettos got wet. The story is just too infamous for younger cousins to forget about.
Speak in an obnoxious Russian accent and remind everyone about being “iced” with Smirnoffs from like 14 years ago. With only 1 gram of sugar, you have a field day – especially with the pink lemonade flavor, your all-time favorite. If the church allows it, offer the priest a seltzer. He’ll be appreciative and see that you’re just trying to get him in the groove, especially since he’s one of those granola “acoustic guitar” priests that has a Cat Stevens song prepared at all times.
Your dad always liked Michelob, so this is a nostalgic choice. While he’s up there giving a eulogy for some distant cousin (this church is so huge, you might as well be Siberia), you can always “cheers” him from the back. “That’s my dad!” you can yell, turning heads and keeping the spirit jovial. Keep this can firmly in the wooden seat pocket in front of you, next to the tattered Bible and leaflet celebrating this bozo’s life. Who died this time? Too distracted by that Berry Hibiscus flavor, gets you every time.
The one that started your addiction, kicked it all into high gear. The cans are so tiny that you can sneak an entire 6-pack in. Go with Black Cherry, everybody loves that flavor (except the assholes at Pizza Hut, who kicked you out for demanding bespoke pies). If anyone gets suspicious, pour some into a water bottle and just say it’s Perrier. Try to keep from winking at people. You’re on that low-calorie drunk, no guilt here!
Bring this one to the swankier funerals, the ones with car processions a mile long. This is the natural choice for the sophisticated drinker, these botanically-infused hard seltzers will impress. Hell, you may even score. These church volunteers with laminated name tags are giving you bedroom eyes! Or are they angrily staring? Crack open another Social Club and vibe out, maybe even stretch out in the back pew with your sunglasses on. Make this about you, baby.
Electrolytes included? Whoa, it’s like you’re practically going to the doctor and getting exercise! Plus you love how literal their branding is. In fact, this is what you call any alcoholic drink – “boozy water.” And if it is alcohol-free, you’re used to shaking the glass at whoever is around and chanting “boozy water!” until someone plies you with spirits. Hand this out to your health-nut cousins from Colorado, maybe they can bring Boozy Water on their next karmic retreat!
Bust out the Corona Hard Seltzer and offer subtle sips while your loved one is being laid to rest. If anyone protests, just throw an empty can at them. You have sympathy for Corona as a brand. It’s hard to bounce back after sharing a name with a worldwide global pandemic. You just wanna show your support. After all, Corona has always been there for you: from sneaking beers in middle school, to the prime college beer pong option. Chug a few cans during the interment and time will fly.
PRESS Premium Seltzer will fuck you up. With a slightly higher alcohol content, be careful – these will creep up on you, like an assassin in the night. Damn, you’re getting poetical at this burial! Cry into your can and howl after the funeral in a drunken rage. Yell at the funeral director “You can’t entomb my emotions!” and then chug another PRESS, claiming it’s just an energy drink. Mourners will be impressed with your dedication, and thank you for the solid excuse to suddenly leave.
Now we’re talking! Made with real tequila? Hell yes. The Paloma flavor is particularly delicious. If you grow your hair out, you can pop in AirPods and jam to some Electric Light Orchestra while enjoying your Mamitas. In fact, it may be a good idea to sneak in the night before and hide a case under the pulpit. Be sure to bring a high-visibility vest and a ladder, which will allow you access to almost any building.
Linked to a more outdoor nature-loving brand voice, feel free to bring this to ceremonies in the wild, natural burials or a forested “celebration of life.” Perhaps as cremains are scattered into the ocean, pour out some Wild Basin for the deceased. Let it swill and mix with the ocean foam. 2Pac was surely talking about Wild Basin in “Pour Out a Little Liquor,” that’s just a fact.
You knew this brand made kombucha, but apparently they make hard seltzer now too! Wow, this top-shelf supermarket down the street really has quite a selection. You talk about this brand so much that people think you are suddenly a spokesperson for Flying Embers. You begin targeting other funerals in your area, scanning obituaries for service information where you can push bootleg cases of Flying Embers on unassuming family members looking to bond despite the tragic circumstances.
You love their tequila, now get ready for the sweet sugary rush of their hard seltzer. At the open-casket wake, shake the deceased’s hand and pour Hornitos into their mouth. If anyone is mad, tell them it’s a religious expression of grief. People get weirdly respectful and reverent if you say it’s “part of your religion,” no matter the crazy bullshit you may be justifying. Hey, maybe this can get you out of paying taxes, too!
Want that margarita kick? Look no further than Juneshine. Unfortunately packaged in cans less slim than other brands, so maybe chug one behind your open trunk before going inside, as if this was a tailgate. (Business idea: “Funeral Tailgates.”) Or if you do bring it inside, duct tape a few Juneshines around your ankles. That way you can accidentally drop your toothpick and rise back up ready to rock with a new cold can.
The Philadelphia-based seltzer is a tasty treat for any funeral. Sip in respectful silence, or belch out their delicious flavors as the eulogies drone on and on. Don’t get too drunk though, you need to make it to the post-funeral family gathering, where it will be appetizer paradise. Club sandwiches, cold cuts, cheese plates – people should honestly die more often, you save a bundle on meals.
You love their plain seltzer, why not give in to the temptation of their hard seltzer? You used to think “Ranch Water” was a muddy puddle in an agricultural outcropping, but this shit is delicious. At this point, people may be avoiding you. Better sober up with that microwave coffee and wafers in the rectory. Good thing you took an Uber here. Now it’s time to mingle with family while pounding hard seltzers in obscure shady corners of your uncle’s backyard. Put the “fun” back in “funeral!”
