KANSAS CITY, Mo. — A mass shooting that left one dead and at least 30 others injured at the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl Parade, left sociologists wondering if our country has witnessed what some are calling a “peak American event.”
“Of all the mass shootings America has seen—and I’ve studied hundreds of them in just the past two years alone—I think this one is significant,” said American Sociologist Earl Blankenshire. “I once studied a hot dog contest that raised money for homeless veterans and ‘I thought, can an event possibly be a more accurate summation of modern America?’ and then this happens. I think we’ve seen possibly the most American event of all time. Maybe even rivaling the time that Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at George Bush.”
Witnesses at the event are still left asking how events like this can happen on a near-daily basis.
“Yeah you know I always do this thing with my umbrella where I think I don’t need it and the second I leave the house it rains,” said Chiefs superfan Kyle Washington. “So yeah, a big event, big crowd, I thought about bringing my bulletproof vest after what happened in New York City, East Lansdowne, Pennsylvania, Joliet, Illinois, Perry, Iowa, Paradise, Nevada, Austin, Tampa, Lewistown, Maine, Jacksonville, and Trabuco Canyon California, just in the last 6 months, I thought, you know, maybe wear it. But I didn’t want to wear it under my Mahomes jersey. Lesson learned, I’m never leaving home without it, even to check my mail.”
Kansas and Missouri politicians were quick to condemn the violence including Missouri Governor Mike Parsons.
“This violence will not stand. But look folks, we’ve got one of the biggest popstars out here who’s a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs, why did she not privately fund security for this event? Why is this a government problem? And more than that, there are tough football players out at this parade? Why are these guys not armed? At any rate, we’ve got to make sure more average Americans can return fire the next time this happens,” said Parsons. “For that reason, I’m going to fight to loosen gun laws so more good guys can show up to parades armed and ready to fight back.”
At press time, Americans took to X (formerly Twitter) to habitually offer their thoughts and prayers.