Bands Like NOFX: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

If you’re a fan of NOFX, the iconic punk band known for their fast-paced instrumentals, (sometimes) politically charged lyrics, and irreverent humour (you probably wouldn’t be here if you weren’t), then you’re likely always on the lookout for similar bands that capture the same spirit and energy.

Even though they seem to be going on the longest farewell tour of all time (rivalling KISS at this point), it’s going to be a sad day for many, and a happy day for many, when NOFX do hang up their proverbial boots and call it a day.

With that in mind, here are some other bands that you can check out that sound like NOFX, and if you’re a fairly seasoned head at this point you’ll probably know most of these, but if you’re not, then enjoy!

Bands Like NOFX: The Skate Punkers

Bad Religion

Considering that Fat Mike has on many an occasion admitted that he basically tried to rip off Bad Religion’s Suffer album to make the original NOFX sounf, you’re probably not shocked to see them here.

Politically charged and harmonies for days, cracking on Bad Religion when you’re looking for a band like NOFX to listen to will satiate that hunger.

Pennywise

Pennywise are another band that has a similar style and sounds to Fat Mike and Co. Hailing from the same Southern California punk scene as NOFX, Pennywise embodies the skate punk ethos with their fast-paced songs and anthemic choruses.

Their tracks are filled with messages of defiance and social commentary, and they resonate well with fans of NOFX’s sound.

Lagwagon

Fat Mike signed Lagwagon to Fat Wreck in the very early days, so it’s not a surprise that later NOFX would even start to sound a bit like ‘wagon at points.

Melodic as hell, having genuine emotional depth to a lot of their songs and technical proficiency that would maybe even make some metalheads jealous, Lagwagon are great.

Bands Like NOFX: Street(ish) Punk

The Vandals

The Vandals are known for their humorous and often satirical take on punk rock.

Their music offers a blend of catchy melodies and witty lyrics, making them a perfect fit for fans of NOFX who appreciate the lighter side of punk (which is none of you lot who read stuff on here you miserable fucks).

Rancid

Rancid, with their blend of punk and ska, offers a diverse sound that appeals to a wide range of punkers and rude boys, including a lot of NOFX fans.

Their gritty, street sensibility (lol) and catchy hooks make them a band that NOFX fans also like, and their split EP with ‘FX themselves is pretty decent.

Bands Like NOFX: Melodic Hardcore Influences

Descendents

The Descendents are pioneers of melodic hardcore (to put it lightly) influencing countless bands within the punk scene, including NOFX.

Their blend of catchy melodies, fast-paced music, and personal, introspective lyrics make them a seminal band for anyone, whether or not they’re even into NOFX.

The Hard Times Real News Section

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Trump VP Shortlist Includes Tim Scott, Kristi Noem, Frankenstein-Like Abomination Made From DNA of History’s Greatest Monsters

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former president Donald Trump teased his top picks for vice president during a recent Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, according to gaudily-dressed sycophants in attendance.

“It’s a tough choice, very tough,” said Trump as he polished off a shrimp cocktail. “There are a lot of great candidates out there, they’re all begging me, ‘Please, Mr. President sir, pick me, pick me.’ But then these scientists—some say they’re mad, I don’t know—they showed me this tremendous monster and wow, I was blown away. He’s seven feet tall, so almost as tall as me but not quite, he’s got the green skin, stitches and the bolts in the neck, the whole thing. He’s a monster like you’ve never seen before and he is 100% MAGA, believe me. I’m still considering Tim, Kristi, a few others, but let me tell you, I’m leaning very heavily toward the behemoth.”

The creature’s creator revealed some details behind its origins.

“I am humbled and delighted that Mr. Trump is considering my abomination against nature and all that is holy to be his vice president,” said Dr. Josef Mengele III from his secret Argentinian jungle laboratory. “My team combined DNA from some of the most powerful and influential figures in history to construct the perfect Republican running mate. I won’t divulge the whole secret recipe here, but I can tell you that there’s a bit of Ghengis Khan in there, a dash of Vlad the Impaler, a pinch of Augusto Pinochet, and just a hint of you know who. You know, the mustache guy—wink wink.”

Fox News host Jesse Watters discussed Trump’s prospects on a recent program.

“As much as it pains me to say it, Donald Trump is no spring chicken,” said Watters. “A lot of his base are concerned about who will take up the mantle should something happen to the president. You’ve got your typical suck-ups like Tim Scott and Vivek Ramaswamy lining up. But if you ask me, there’s only one real choice: the monster. The few phrases he’s capable of saying such as ‘gun law bad,’ ‘abortion bad’ and ‘tax cut for wealthy’ really resonate with Republican voters. The fact that this inhuman fiend could be one heartbeat from the presidency should be reassuring to many MAGA voters.”

At press time, the creature’s first appearance alongside Trump was cut short after it attacked and attempted to devour several members of the media.

Opinion: If Jazz Is About the Notes You Don’t Play, Then I Am an All-Time Great

The other day, I was watching some documentary while waiting for a video game to download, and I heard a guy say something like, “Jazz is about the notes you don’t play.” That really got me thinking—if that’s true, and I’ve never played a note of music in my entire life, that must make me some sort of all-time great!

I’m not saying I know a ton about jazz, but I can’t stop thinking about how much that line describes me. Like when I was little, my parents didn’t even try to get me to pick up an instrument. I mean, they encouraged me to try other things, like sports. Well, mostly just curling. They’d drag me out of bed at 5 a.m. on weekends for rink time. And that basically crushed any interest I might have had in pursuing any hobbies at all.

As I think more about the documentary narration I heard as I looked down at my phone, there was a lot of talk about some guy who’d keep changing tempos without telling anyone. His “unpredictability made him great” they said. I thought, “Wow, I’m just like that!” I mean it. I’m totally spontaneous. Just yesterday, for example, I suddenly didn’t feel like working, so I called in sick five minutes before my shift. My manager was pretty upset, but I told him that’s just who I am. And just like that, I was napping.

Oh, you know what else? The narrator kept mentioning improv! And guess what? That’s basically the only other hobby I’ve ever tried. I even took classes! Well, I took one class. All I remember is the teacher yelling a scene suggestion at me. I froze up, and everyone got very uncomfortable. But after a while, they started laughing. I remained paralyzed in fear, yet somehow, the more time passed, the harder they laughed. I never went back, but getting that big laugh makes me think I’m kind of a natural.

When you add it all up, I’m probably even better than that famous trumpet guy they kept panning around the screen. I’ve basically got every trait you could want without lifting a finger. It’s like my report cards always said—I’m nothing but potential: neglected, wasted, squandered. And I’ve been careful not to ruin any of my untapped genius by actually trying something. Certainly not jazz.

Belle & Sebastian Show Ends in Tragedy After Several Fans Blow Away in Light Breeze

GLASGOW — An outdoor Belle & Sebastian show abruptly ended in tragedy after a sudden light breeze sent several fans flying hundreds of feet into the sky, witnesses have reported.

“We were on the fence about performing outdoors on account of it already being partly sunny. We barely got halfway through the set when a four KPH gale blew through the grounds and sent the most emaciated of fans flying two towns over, looking like bespectacled party balloons. On top of that, the wind also took my hat,” said frontman Stuart Murdoch. “Thankfully some fans got snagged on the power lines outside of the playing field, otherwise they’d be in the upper stratosphere. I just wish it didn’t happen in the middle of ‘Dear Catastrophe Waitress.’ It only added insult to injury.”

Surviving showgoers were still traumatized by how easily fellow fans were going airborne.

“I thought the rapture had come, given how suddenly people were being plucked off the ground. I’m just glad I happened to have my copy of ‘Ulysses’ on me for an anchor or I would’ve been a goner for sure. In the past, the most precarious situation at a Bell & Sebastian show was the venue running out of chamomile tea,” said Rebecca Wilson. “The EMS team is still looking for my friend. The combination of her oversized tweed jacket and being 97 pounds basically made her a human parachute. I hope they find her soon because if the trauma didn’t kill her, the anemia might.”

Insurance adjusters assessing the damage painted a grim picture regarding anyone receiving restitution.

“We provide nearly every event with optional insurance should a show get canceled or if you can’t attend because of unforeseen circumstances. But we may have to stop coverage for twee shows since they are costing us millions of dollars. The reality is that while the music is fantastic, the fans are comprised of people who majored in English Lit, and they aren’t exactly the heartiest stock. We’ve had consistent claims ranging from mass papercut bleedouts to being trampled by corgis,” said Eventsured agent Jay Sellers. “We’re already on edge about Camera Obscura returning, and now this incident at the B&S show might bankrupt us completely.”

As of press time, the band’s benefit show and vigil for the victims hit a snag after three fans floated away holding their paper lanterns.

30 Valentine’s Day Gifts That Will Keep Your Garbage Fire of a Relationship Going Months Longer Than it Naturally Should

Well, it’s Valentine’s Day again, and your so-called long-term relationship has run its course. You know it, they know it, all of your friends know it. A breakup is around the corner, and that’s usually a sad time, but on a very surface level, it doesn’t have to be!

Sure, if a person is in a relationship that’s turned toxic they need to end it. A person also needs to get that wisdom tooth removed, get a weird skin tag checked out, or start job hunting. That doesn’t mean said person won’t do all kinds of rationalizing mental gymnastics to put those scary/painful things off for as long as humanely possible!

Breaking up is such a to-do. Not only is it a painful process that usually involves a lot of false starts and back and forths, but on top of that, you need to pack up your stuff, find a new place to stay, divvy up friends and assets, change passwords and aaaaaahhhh it’s just a lot! On some level, your partner is probably just as desperate as you to put all that off for months, maybe years. And THAT is why we celebrate Valentine’s Day!

The right Valentine’s gift can make your partner overlook months of feeling awkward in a room together and extend your relationship well beyond its natural expiration, all the way to the point where you’re honestly afraid you might kill each other if you spend one more night under the same roof. Here are 30 gift ideas ranked by how much unnatural longevity they’ll give your doomed coupling!

30. Gift Cards

The most impersonal, transparently for-appearance-only gift of all time. Are you even trying to pretend you still love each other?

29. Something That Isn’t Normally Shaped Like A Heart Shaped Like A Heart

Wow, do you give Christmas-themed Christmas presents too? Why would you gift someone something they’ll only be able to use 12 months from now? That’s no way to buy yourself another 12 months.

28. Makeup

If your partner is female presenting you may think that fancy makeup is a suitable Valentine’s Day gift, because you just don’t think things through do you? Watch them turn this “gift” into a personal attack faster than you can say “I wasn’t implying that you look ugly!”

27. Something Just Expensive, Like a PS5

To certain personalities, this may seem logical, but it’s non-thematic overkill and when it fails, guess whose out a PS5? J.Q. You, that’s who!

26. A Horse-Drawn Carriage Ride

In February? Are you insane? No couple in the history of relationships has a story that goes “Well we were going to break up but then one night we were cold as hell together and that dissolved all of our tensions.”

25. An Activity

Oh sure, why not trigger the growing animosity between the two of you out in public for all the world to see? Come on, you want this thing to end in the privacy of your own home, not in an escape room or at a sip and paint.

24. Flowers

A classic, but really sort of a flash in the pan. They’ll avoid a fight for a day or two but that’s about it. Flowers AND something else, that’s the move.

23. A custom mug

A coffee mug. With their name on it. Great. You’re trying to convince yourself and them that the two of you can build a life together, not congratulating the runner-up in a sales contest. Do better.

22. A Puzzle

You can only ask “Does this look like a match to you? I can’t tell” so many times before your partner starts internalizing the obvious metaphor.

21. Matching PJs/Clothing

It could work, but it could also backfire. It’s a little too on the nose really. It basically says “Hey, debase yourself with me!”

20. A Giant Teddy Bear

Super cute at first, but eventually your partner will see it as impractical and in the way, sort of like your relationship.

19. A Niche Kitchen Appliance

Waffle Irons, pour-over sets, fancy mixers, etc. For the right partner, someone with a true passion for the kitchen, this could work, otherwise avoid it. Giving someone who doesn’t earnestly love cooking a gift that says “I thought maybe you could make us stuff” isn’t a strong selling point for staying in a relationship you both know in your hearts is over.

18. Scented Candles

Nice, neutral, and safe, but where’s the flair? Scented candles are for couples secure enough in their love to not make Hallmark holidays a big production, that ain’t you.

17. Basic Chocolate

Your Russell Stover hearts and the like. A little more shelf life than just flowers, but not by much. By the time they get down to the imitation dark chocolate, it’s over.

16. Ferrero Rocher

Okay, now we’re cooking a bit. Sure it’s just candy, but these things are delicious, and there’s sort of an unwritten rule that you’re not allowed to buy them for yourself. It’s the gold wrapping, too opulent. You maybe bought yourself a month.

Local Father Sets Up Sweeping Investigation Into Whose Car That Is Parked in Front of His House

MONTEREY, Calif. — Recently retired father Fred Maligno has set up a 360-degree investigation into the car that mysteriously appeared parked in front of his house yesterday afternoon, sources confirmed.

“That Nissan Altima doesn’t belong to Linda next door, and that is a fucking fact,” Maligno confirmed while staring out his kitchen window. “I’ve got a whole sting operation set up here: Bob down the street sends text updates on his morning walks, while Sonny and Sharon keep an eye out from their porch. I’m mostly on window duty till noon, followed by tactical surveillance from the backyard and roof. Ring camera is active, got pots of coffee brewing to keep me alert, and have update notifications set for the Nextdoor app. Maybe they’re looking to case houses, or sell drugs, or it could be a whole human trafficking situation. You can’t be too safe nowadays. Might dust the car handle for fingerprints, after I watch a quick YouTube video on how that works.”

Not everyone in Maligno’s family is as supportive of his recent interest.

“This always happens when he watches too much ‘Law and Order: Special Victims Unit’ in one sitting,” shared his daughter Samantha. “It’s pathetic, constantly twitching the curtains back just to spy on a parked sedan. He can’t even get the Ring camera to work. Whenever friends come over, I tell them to park three blocks away. He gets so weird about it. I’ve had friends receive windshield notes asking ‘Do you live in this neighborhood?’ He even blocks people with recycling bins. Sometimes he just stands out front, watering the cement, mean-mugging cars that drive by. Now that he’s retired, it’s only going to get worse.”

Luckily for Maligno, there are services that cater to his needs.

“Defending your home and keeping your family safe is no joke, especially from cars that suddenly appear out of nowhere. We keep vehicular intruders where they belong: parked somewhere else,” shared Curbside Security CEO Vince Shahan, laser-pointing at city grid layouts. “You see the gas lines and water pipes running under the street? This parking may actually be a form of domestic terrorism, expressed through errantly placed vehicles seeking to distract from devious behavior. Our team will help you call ‘dibs’ on a spot in front of your property by placing cumbersome dumpsters or long-term construction cones. We even provide a branded detective kit, with a special tactical notepad for recording license plates.”

At press time, Maligno announced the creation of an anonymous tip line and plans to reach out to satellite services for tracking, once he gets his email address connected to his phone.

Help! I Met a Great Guy but He’s Really Into Owl City

I was on this date with this incredible man, Connor. Not only was he charming and personable, he is also a doctor and volunteers at the animal shelter on weekends. He even has two rescues of his own. It’s crazy to me that he is still single.

However, my suspicions were finally answered at dinner that night. We were discussing music tastes and he replied “Oh yeah, I’m really into Owl City!” It was a bit of a shock to me but I went with it. We all liked Fireflies when we were freshmen in high school.

He goes on to say, “Fireflies, I remember that song too! I’m just not really into it. I think everything off of his “All Things Bright and Beautiful” tops that song. Just much more lyrically superior” That’s exactly what he said—”much more lyrically superior.” This is when I realized in horror that not only does Owl City have more music, but Connor knows the entire discography by heart and articulates his love for it poorly.

I don’t know how this happened. Maybe I was the fool and should have seen the signs. Like we went bowling, and I don’t even like bowling and I told Connor that I’ll still go and try and have fun, and he replies “You don’t even have to try, it’s always a good time!” Like what?

How can I take him home to my parents? I was raised on Bob Dylan, Prince, The Replacements. And now I have to explain to my dad that the guy I’m seeing thinks Adam Young is the best musician to ever come out of Minnesota. I want to go to the beach on vacation. Connor wants to go to South Dakota to take a pilgrimage to fucking Dinosaur Hill. Am I crazy?!

But…he’s just so sweet and great otherwise. We went on a walk and the spaces between his fingers were right where mine fit perfectly. Talk about true love.

Ugh this is hard. At least the James Blunt fan I dated was also a Packers fan so he was easier to dump.

Please help! The last thing Connor said to me was “When can I see you again?” and I haven’t given him a definite answer.

Punk With New Boyfriend Suddenly No Longer Calling Valentine’s Day “Disgusting Corporate Capitalist Scam”

Newburgh, N.Y. — Kirsten Emery, guitarist in local punk band Feral Insurgence and vocal critic of Valentine’s Day, curiously embraced the “sham” holiday now that she is in a relationship, report sources who are rolling their eyes.

“I first noticed something was off when she didn’t punch the Whitman’s Sampler chocolate display at CVS,” said friend and bandmate Arlo Woodward. “Look, it’s totally fine to be into silly traditional Valentine’s Day things, and it’s also fine to hate it. But Kirsten’s timing here is so obvious. I guess last year she wasn’t that sincere about destroying ‘evil patriarchal consumerism’ and was just bitter about being single when she suggested stealing all the rose bouquets for sale outside the gas station and dousing them in drain cleaner and throwing them on her ex’s car.”

Emery denied that her sudden pro-Cupid attitude was related to her new boyfriend Tom Stantevich.

“Participating in the most disgusting corporate capitalist scams is a valid form of protest,” she said, pausing to text kissing-face emojis and a shopping link to a large heart-shaped diamond pendant to Stantevich. “If Tommy buys me this necklace for Valentine’s Day and I wear it everywhere, it raises awareness, okay? It raises awareness of how much he loves me. And the whole diamond mining thing. Right?

“And Huggy Teddycakes is a punk icon,” she added, pointing to a giant stuffed teddy bear next to her. “We’ll put him on stage at our next show to prove that bears wearing heart bandanas that say ‘You Are Beary Special to Me’ are so subversive. Wild bears don’t use money, so Huggy here is the realest anti-capitalist symbol.”

Relationship expert Dr. Fitzgerald van Herk confirmed that new romantic love can transform even the most aggressive Valentine’s Day haters.

“It happens a lot in cultures where there was a built-in excuse for disliking the holiday before, such as punk groups that object to mainstream trends, societal expectations, or consumerism,” he explained. “All that goes out the window once you’re getting that committed sweet sweet lovin’ every night. Suddenly in February we see newly boo’d-up punks in Hallmark stores tenderly grabbing anything sugary or heart-shaped. Not even stealing it, actually buying it! Miss Emery’s transformation is very common.”

At press time, following her first big fight with Stantevich, Emery had returned to calling Valentine’s Day a scam and was spotted flinging Huggy Teddycakes into the Hudson River.

Every Veruca Salt Album Ranked Worst To Best

Formed in 1992 during grunge’s height between Soundgarden’s “Nevermind” and Pearl Jam’s “In Utero,” Chicago, Illinois’ darlings known as Veruca Salt, named after an annoying and cringey character from “Charles in Charge,” took MTV and people with good taste by storm the year that punk rock broke into the mainstream with “American Thighs,” one of the better 90s debut rock records. Much like every band of all time, Veruca Salt had their fair share of drama with co-lead vocalist Nina Gordon leaving after their sophomore LP, “Eight Arms To Hold You,” and returning with VS mainstay Louise Post for their latest and fifth full-length studio effort, “Ghost Notes”. We ranked all five of their LPs below, and no, EPs like “Blow It Out Your Ass It’s Veruca Salt” are disqualified from entry; disinherit your surroundings, as volcano girls, THEY really can’t be beat. Celebrate them with some letters to Cleo:

5. Resolver (2000)

Growing pains isn’t just a show featuring demigod Kirk Cameron, and “Resolver,” Veruca Salt’s third LP altogether and first of two without Nina Gordon, who was riding a super pop solo wave of her own around that time with “Tonight and the Rest of My Life,” is good, but not great, and as you know, good is the enemy of great. Still, Veruca Salt doesn’t have a bad record, and this full-length, or at least 66.66% percent of it, deserves your time; the band is chock full of born entertainers and you’d be hard-pressed to argue with that assertion. Produced by Brian Liesegang, founding member of fellow ’90s peers Filter, “Resolver” sounds really good, and the catchiness of the songs are counterbalanced with a tried and true rocker grit. In closing, Inferior publications were divided regarding this record but that’s how they typically are so we can’t fault them.

Play it again: “Born Entertainer”
Skip it: ⅓ of it

4. IV (2006)

“IV,” Veruca Salt’s, uh, fourth full-length studio album is not only, in a display of extreme wit and cultivated vigor on our end, ranked in the fourth position right here and right now, but it is the band’s sole release via the curiously named label Sympathy for the Record Industry, former home to Rocket from the Crypt, Turbonegro, Holly Golightly, and Polly Goheavily. However, for some sad and alarming reason, “IV” is not on DSPs like Spotify or Apple Music, and that’s a low down dirty shame making us not feel very blissful… Fix that and get your ish together, SFTRI! Anyway, six years after this LP came out, the band took a short break, but reformed with Nina Gordon, and announced their reconciliation to the world exactly one year and one month after they publicly took a hiatus. Coincidence? Not sure. Cool circular trend? Very, very much so.

Play it again: “Blissful Queen”
Skip it: ¼ of it

3. Ghost Notes (2015)

Despite what many might think, but likely not you, you smart warrior of a rock hepcat, Veruca Salt has a song other than “Seether,” and released a full-length, their FIFTH altogether known as “Ghost Notes” in the year of our lord known as 2015, a full twenty-one years after their debut LP “American Thighs” hit stores. Overall, “Ghost Notes” is an underrated highlight, and truly closed the museum of their own broken yet mended relationships with a smile and a ghoul. We here truly clamor for more, we’re telling you know, we implore the band to create another with both lead vocalists. El Camino Records released this gem of an album to minor fanfare, and producer Brad Wood, who also worked behind the boards for VS’s debut record and ones by Liz Phair, Sunny Day Real Estate, and Big Bird, majorly shone in the greatest way.

Play it again: “The Gospel According to Saint Me”
Skip it: “I’m Telling You Now”

2. Eight Arms to Hold You (1997)

Veruca Salt’s sophomore LP, is the band’s best-produced album for sure via King Bob Rock of Metallica, Motley Crue, Bon Jovi and Canadian fame, and contains, in our opinion that literally/figuratively doubles as a fact, their most superior song and single, “Volcano Girls.” Still, it has a few songs worthy of skipping we can’t give it the Subway-sponsored and endorsed Michael Phelps gold medal slot here, but silver ain’t too shabby either. One more hot take for good measure and good clean fun: If “Eight Arms to Hold You” was a four song EP consisting of tracks 1-4 back to back to back to back, it would be one of the better ’90s EPs for sure, along with Salt-N-Pepa’s screamo classic “Jar of Flies”.

Play it again: “Volcano Girls”
Skip it: “Loneliness Is Worse”

1. American Thighs (1994)

Veruca Salt’s first full-length studio album, and likely the reason you’re here and actually read this piece for as long as you have, is truly a “no skip” effort from the band, and provided the globe with a solid vocal harmony driven rock band with a fantastic and delectable combination of saccharine and sour. Seemingly coming out of nowhere, the band initially released this LP in late-1994 via indie Minty Fresh Records, and re-released it on their then-new label Geffen Records, who also put out Weezer’s self-titled debut in ‘94 along with (not joking) Slash’s Snakepit the following year, and “American Thighs” eventually and justifiably earned a Gold-certified record. Plus, its epic album cover could unironically be showcased more than seasonally in an art museum and certainly on an overpriced crewneck at a high-end clothing store. Control your car and don’t spin out.

Play it again: Every song in order
Skip it: Songs that they didn’t write

Top 20 Modest Mouse Lyrics To Carve into the Walls of Your Murder Cabin

Fellas, your secret carnage castle near the coast is drab and SCREAMS, “My wife decorates our nondescript house in the suburbs because I’m trying to keep a low profile!” Sure, your cabin is where you’ve dismembered dozens of hitchhikers and countless dock workers. Sure, it stinks to high hell of rotting flesh, but your human butcher shop needs a makeover. What fun is having a slay chalet if it isn’t aesthetic? The interior designers at the Hard Times HQ can give you a fresh look that says, “NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!” just as well as it says, “I have impeccable taste in music.”

So, sharpen your knives and arrange an alibi because today we’re carving 20 of our favorite Modest Mouse lyrics into the walls of your murder cabin! (Listen to the playlist, click here)

20. From Point A to Point B (Infinity)

“Point A to point B, oh, I know
Lots of points with no points in between for me
So lonely but never alone, I know
I’m at my house, but I wish that I were at home”

These lyrics from the fifth track on “Sad Sappy Sucker” will really bring out your explorer, growth-mindset vibes. Everyone is on a journey, and we should be open to wherever it takes us–like learning how to balance family, career, and a passion for slaughtering nameless human cattle. Slash these lines into the wall next to your tooth collection and watch your home absolutely radiate a churning sense of listlessness.

19. The World at Large

“I like songs about drifters, books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
Walked on off to another spot
I still haven’t gotten anywhere that I want”

As a homicidal sociopath, your maniacal lust for power is only surpassed by your love of art. These “Good News for People That Love Bad News” lyrics perfectly express your lack of meaningful human connection, and they’ll look charming above your first-edition book collection. “The World At Large” will make your study the A24 nightmare palace you’ve always dreamed of! Imagine dismembering a stranger in the backyard and then, hands still shaking from the rush of extinguishing a human life, sitting down to read beneath Isaac Brock’s timeless wisdom. Positively TRAUMATIC!

18. Wild Packs of Family Dogs

“A wild pack of family dogs came runnin’ through the yard
As my little sister played, the dogs took her away
And I guess she was eaten up, okay, yeah, she was eaten up, okay”

Carving this passage from “Wild Pack of Family Dogs” beside a portrait of your own sister will remind you of the time she was dragged into the woods and eaten by a wild pack of dogs. Did you once train some dogs living near your childhood home to be hardened and cruel because you heard this song as a deranged youth? Sure. Did you become their alpha and entice them to creep ever closer to your family? Absolutely. Will these lyrics tastefully memorialize your first steps toward insanity? Stylistically.

17. 3rd Planet

“Well, outside, naked, shivering, looking blue
From the cold sunlight that’s reflecting off the moon
And baby cum angels, fly around you
Reminding you we used to be three and not just two
And that’s how the world began
And that’s how the world will end”

The lyrics to “3rd Planet” are a lot like your favorite steak: cold, blue, and naked which makes them the perfect addition to your patio! Put these lyrics somewhere near the grill because even bloodthirsty hellhounds like to entertain!

16. Dramamine

“Traveling, swallowing, Dramamine
Look at your face like you’re killed in a dream”

It’s toxic to believe that psychopaths don’t need inspirational quotes on their mirrors, too. The motivation to eliminate human vermin while remaining undetected is exhausting! But, what if you remember that you’re an angel with the face of 1,000 fistfights? What if the lyrics to “Dramamine” make you sneer a little harder today? What if we also told you that updating your cabin will increase the resale value when you’re inevitably caught and your slaughter castle is sold at auction?

15. Cowboy Dan

“Because Cowboy Dan’s a major player in the cowboy scene
He goes to the reservation, drinks and gets mean
He goes to the desert, fires his rifle in the sky
And says, ‘God, if I have to die, you will have to die’”

The only wet dream you ever had was the one where you killed God. Who hasn’t woken up in a puddle of their own goo after strangling the Alpha and Omega in their sleep? Slashing these “Cowboy Dan” lyrics into the ceiling above your mattress will look great and remind you to always chase your dreams.

14. Every Penny Fed Car

“So you spilled every last penny into the car
And it still won’t even barely leave your home
So you spilled every last penny into the car
And it still won’t take you where you need to go”

Even unhinged maniacs need a hobby, and restoring the Saab you committed your first hit-and-run with is yours! Gouging the lyrics to “Every Penny Fed Car” in your log cabin garage will remind you how chaotic and uncaring the universe really is. While rehabilitation is impossible because you’re too far gone, you might be a passable mechanic should you have to go on the run and assume a new identity!

13. Coyotes

“And we say, we’re in love with all of it
And we say, we’re in love with everything
And we say, what can we say?
And we say, we’re in love with all of it
And we say, we’re in love with everything
And we lie, we love to lie”

Making your guests feel welcome and at ease is an important element of hosting. They should believe that you’re honest, trustworthy, and generous. But you’re a human butcher with no values or redeeming qualities! So they’ll be surprised once you flip the coffee table and shout, “YOU’RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT, AND NO ONE’S GONNA FIND THE BODY! YOU’LL BE JUST ANOTHER RED SMEAR ON MY BASEMENT WALL!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!” When that happens, just point to these, and they’ll get it. It’s just the polite thing to do.

12. Lampshades on Fire

“Our eyes light up, we have no shame at all
Well, you all know what I’m talking about
Shaved off my eyebrows, let ’em fall to the ground
So I can’t look surprised right now”

Remember in “Silence of the Lambs” when Buffalo Bill was a freak for putting on makeup? Well, the world has evolved, and it’s okay for men to groom themselves like the golden gods they are now. Grab your most flexible blade and get your swoop on because these lines are going to look almost as good as you look standing in front of the mirror naked, hairless, and caked in the bloody entrails of what used to be your family’s cat.

11. Classy Plastic Lumber

“Cause I’m a bastard bastard bastard
In my lipstick I’m so much fun”

Who doesn’t love a photo booth? It’s always fun to put a sassy little phrase in the background so everyone knows it’s the last picture they’ll ever take and that they had better smile if they know what’s good for them!

10. Gravity Rides Everything

“When we die some sink and some lay
But at least I don’t see you float away
And on spilt milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place”

These perfect lines from “Gravity Rides Everything” will look great on the dinghy you hang from your ceiling. The words will remind you to always be sure you weigh down remains before you drop them in the lake or those pesky little buggers will come back to the surface! No one was upset that the prep cook in the local restaurant died, but they were pretty pissed that his corpse burned out their trolling motor. Keeping these words around is as practical as it is insane!

9.  Never Ending Math Equation

“Infinity spirals out creation
We’re on the tip of its tongue, and it is saying
“Well, we ain’t sure where you stand
You ain’t machines and you ain’t land
And the plants and the animals, they are linked
And the plants and the animals eat each other”

What cabin in the woods would be complete without something cute in the laundry room?! This is where you spend so much time burning off your fingertips, making bleach buckets to wipe down the prison cell, and burning bloody clothes in the incinerator hidden in the wall! If you don’t have enough space to gouge the timber, try putting these lyrics on a cute little canvas.

8. Doin’ the Cockroach

“One year
Twenty years
Forty years
Fifty years
Down the road in your life
You’ll look in the mirror
And say, ‘My parents are still alive.’”

Every home should celebrate family which is why you have a sepia portrait of your great, great grandparents where a television should be. Their cold, dead eyes bring you waves of agony and joy. Their disapproving glares make you writhe in misery and ejaculate without warning. The fact that your own parents–such sad, forgettable creatures–still exist is proof of your magnificence and mercy.

7. Paper Thin Walls

“These walls are paper thin and everyone hears every little sound
Everyone’s a voyeurist, they’re watching me watch them watch me right now”

The only thing that’s paper-thin in your cabin are the remnants of human leather you use to make wallets, and your Etsy store is getting orders day and night. So pound this paranoid wisdom into the wall directly beside the secret window that looks straight into the fish cleaning station on a nearby dock. Plus, this will really pair so well with your antique binocular collection.

6. Ocean Breathes Salty

“Well, that is that and this is this
You tell me what you want and I’ll tell you what you get
You get away from me (you get away from me)
You get away from me”

Clearly, this is the perfect thing to put on your porch to keep those pesky solicitors away. You don’t want nosy, magazine-sellin’ interlopers to smell the putrid stench of decay and ruin all your fun. This is the perfect way to say, “As a disenchanted former young person, I have made cranky-ass music my personality,” while also saying, “Please respect the privacy of my home.” If they still ask if you’d like to subscribe to “Sports Illustrated” or sign a petition that gives fish the right to vote, just tell them your checkbook is in the basement. You tried to warn them.

5.  Satin in a Coffin

“Often times you know our laughter
Is your coffin ever after”

“Satin in a Coffin” really understands that being a Millenial murder-fiend means connecting senseless acts of violence to your greater sense of detachment. We kill, but outside of the thrill of inflicting pain, do we ever really feel alive? After you chisel this helpful reminder to turn your frown upside down into the wall, you’ll never stop smiling. Ever. No matter how uncomfortable it makes anyone that can see your hardened, leathery face.

4. The Stars Are Projectors

“God is a woman and the woman is
An animal, that animal’s man, and that’s you

Was there a need for creation?
That was hidden in a math equation, and that’s this
Where do circles begin?
Where do circles begin?”

Honestly, are these lines from a song on “The Moon and Antarctica” or something you said after snorting a line of Ketamine? Because they are–like you, a God-King among insects–perfect and flawless. This holy scripture belongs somewhere near your stainless steel dissection table that you sometimes do Sudoku on.

3. Tundra/Desert

“Get too creative ordering our drinks
And mine stinks, mine stinks
Get too creative ordering our drinks
And yours stinks, yours stinks, yours stinks”

What your cabin’s wet bar really needs are the lyrics to a song that sounds like demonic disco. If you’re feeling extra vibey, display them in custom pink neon lights. You can find those online without posting a cryptic Craigslist ad meant to lure an unsuspecting simpleton into a 4 foot cell. Resist all urges to ask the artist what their greatest fear is and simply mention that you like Modest Mouse and want to make your single plastic gallon of vodka less depressing. Please don’t kill the artist.

2.  Bukowski

“If God controls the land and disease,
Keeps a watchful eye on me,
If he’s really so damn mighty,
My problem is I can’t see,
Well who would want to be?
Who would want to be such a control freak?
Well who would want to be?
Who would want to be such a control freak?”

Can anyone really define what insanity is? Probably not–which is why you should slap Isaac Brock’s most important questions up in your home gym! Let these words wash over you as you train to become nature’s most perfect killing machine. You don’t need motivation or discipline because you are a fit, agile, and absolutely gorgeous instrument of the natural order. Bench press hundreds of pounds while you listen to this solemn, accordion-driven song and remember that you are a wildfire. You will cleanse the forest so a new, more perfect one may grow in your likeness.

1. Secret Agent X-9

“Got a race car grin and a calculation
An elegant gun for a secret agent
Defunct that time bomb
At the space station”

Honestly, we’re not even sure we can pretend to know what the fuck this means or where it would look cute in your cozy murder hut. Just throw it up on the wall somew–”HEY! YOU DID IT ALREADY?! IT LOOKS SO GOOD NEXT TO ALL THAT BLOOD! YOU WERE REALLY LISTENING!”

“YES!!!!! WE WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE IN THE SHED! WE DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF THAT!!!”