Pervert at Burlesque Show Doesn’t Have All Day

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Local sexual deviant Glen O’Roarke wished the performers at the Cabaret Tease Burlesque Show would hurry up and get naked already because he didn’t have all day, confirmed much more patient sources.

“What’s a guy gotta do to see some full-frontal up in this joint?” said O’Roarke as he impatiently tapped his wristwatch at the dancers. “I’m only checking this place out because my normal peeler bar asked/told me not to come around anymore because of my ‘vibe,’ but I’ve already been here milking this beer for 40 minutes and so far all I’ve seen are frilly knickers, some side boob, and a bunch of long comedy skits. If I had known these chicks would be such prudes I would have just gone to Victoria’s Secret to leer at the mannequins for free.”

Performer Honey Vixen described the unruly customer.

“What kind of moron’s never heard of a burlesque show?” stated Vixen. “Everyone should know we’re not that kind of a club. We offer a unique one-of-a-kind entertainment experience, we’re not here just to flash you so you can get off. But this weirdo really freaked everyone out, obnoxiously chanting to see more skin and getting upset when he couldn’t get a lap dance. We tried to ignore him, but after he made it rain on one of the girls our bouncer Beretta Royale had no choice but to throw him out and teach him a lesson.”

Psychologist Dr. Chris Sampson explained that it’s not uncommon for perverts to misjudge their surroundings and make people uncomfortable.

“Society has a long history of trying to coexist with degenerates,” Dr. Sampson stated. “For as long as human civilization has been around, there has always been a group of dirty men skeeving everyone out. These people spend so much time in houses of ill-repute that they get a warped sense of reality and expect nudity everywhere. Ignoring them is tricky because it can have the opposite effect, so I recommend removing them as quickly as possible and if that doesn’t work a can of mace will.”

At press time, the club was able to continue the show uninterrupted while O’Roarke was finally able to get satisfaction after getting kicked in the balls by the bouncer, which was apparently one of his many sick kinks.

Oh No: I Was Visited by the Ghost of Johnny Ramone Last Night and He Was Wearing a MAGA Hat

Last night, I was visited by a punk rock god by the name of Johnny Ramone. Well, not exactly visited by him in person, because his physical body has been dead for 20 years now, but it was certainly his ghost. And although being a huge Ramones fan all my life, it turned out to be one of the most disappointing moments of my entire existence. Disappointing because on top of Johnny’s trademark mop-top sat a bright red MAGA hat.

They say not to meet your idols, but no one ever said you shouldn’t meet your dead idol’s ghost. I’ve learned that fact the hard way.

Now, I know I shouldn’t be totally shocked that Johnny would be a Trumper. I mean, look at how much he loved George W. Bush before he passed away. “God Bless George Bush?” of course if he were around, or his ghost were around, he’d mostly likely become the punk voice of the MAGA cult. But having him in ghost form visit me unannounced and saying “Stop the steal” in that thick Brooklyn accent makes me question if I ever want to listen to “Road to Ruin” ever again!

This hat ordeal was really only the beginning. He kept going on about how Trump is a “Victim of a modern day witch hunt,” and “Let’s go Brandon” at whatever chance he got. I wanted to talk to him about I don’t know…the early CBGB days or what it was like working with Phil Specter or something. But nope, he seemed like he couldn’t even hear me. You know how difficult it is to have an apparition of your idol show up in your apartment spouting right wing nonsense while wearing a MAGA hat and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt? I really wish Dee Dee would have shown up instead.

This whole experience has opened my eyes to something I never even thought of before. Something that I probably should have considered decades ago. And that is I should probably slow down on sniffing glue in my bed at night before falling asleep.

Hardcore Frontman Midway Through Rambling, Philosophical Monologue Informs Audience That All of Venue’s Doors and Windows Have Been Locked From the Outside

TYLER, Texas. — Local hardcore band Crate Full of Saws recently alarmed audience members when, in the middle of an unfocused and seemingly endless speech, the band’s frontman communicated that all of the venue’s means of egress had been firmly locked from the outside, suddenly very nervous sources confirmed.

“He was going on and on about unity and how we are all of the same blood and a couple people went to step outside for a smoke and that’s when we were told there was no escape. I really can’t believe I’m trapped listening to this low-rent philosophy lecture right now,” said showgoer Teresa Chandler while frantically checking latches. “I don’t even know who this band is, but for the past twenty minutes I’ve been forced to listen to this weird diatribe, he’s actually pulled up a PowerPoint presentation about the importance of loyalty. This should be considered illegal detainment.

Crate Full of Saws frontman Steve “The Prophet” Howard took a brief break from his ongoing remarks to remark on said remarks.

“I’m just trying to keep it real out here! I believe that a positive mental attitude is the most important part of better living,” began Howard before obviously losing this thread as his eyes glazed over. “I also believe that the Gulf of Tonkin was an inside job by the Disney corporation, women voters are the reason that the moon landing wasn’t faked, and that Sigmund Freud didn’t die, he just got really sleepy. So I’ve been trying to tie all that into this spiel as well.”

Local Fire Marshal Peter Stiller expressed his disapproval for locking people inside a building under any circumstances.

“I’ve seen this happen too many times. Some new hardcore band realizes they only have 10 minutes of material for a 20-minute set so the frontman is tasked with lecturing everyone. But imprisoning people while ranting about the scene is a bad idea, this venue already has two strikes against it,” stated Stiller. “I’m shutting this crap down, if they want they can finish up their little conspiracy seminar in the parking lot, but I’m guessing by the way everyone is all bolting for the doors that that’s probably a nonstarter.”

At press time, Crate Full of Saws had cornered the show’s promoter and claimed that Howard’s speech put them long over their set time and they should get paid double.

Music News: Dave Grohl Releasing Bad Brains Cover

Dave Grohl will be releasing a Bad Brains cover for Record Store Day this April, and thankfully it isn’t of Don’t Blow Bubbles.

Anthrax teased a collaboration with the Foo Fighters and Nirvana legend last year, posting an image on social media with the caption “New album is going to be awesome #FooThrax”.

It now appears that what they were recording was a cover of the not-homophobic song ‘The Regulator,’ with the release coming out under the name G.B.I. and only 3000 copies being pressed.

Anthrax co-founder Scott Ian and drummer Charlie Benante will also be on the exclusive Record Store Day 7 inch.

Read More: Bands Like Propagandhi: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

Music News: Dave Grohl Releasing a Bad Brains Cover for Record Store Day

Scott Ian of Anthrax revealed (via NME): “We ripped Regulator live in 2 takes, the way it should be! It was so much fun to get to play with Dave on drums and to hear his voice with my guitar! We’re all such huge Bad Brains fans and have asked WWBBD? (What would Bad Brains do?) many times. Hope you get a copy!”

Record Store Day is on Saturday, April 20th 2024, but actually, every day is Record Store Day so go to your local record store now.

Read More: Bands Like NOFX: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

The Hard Times Real News: Yes I also Google Bad Brains every other week hoping they’ve apologised so I can listen to them guilt-free again

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

Music News: IDLES Show Palestinian Solidarity Following Bob Vylan Critcism

British Punk band IDLES recently showed solidarity with the people of Palestine during a launch show for their new album Tangk.

The band played at the Brixton Electic in London on February 16th in a special ‘out-store’ event that was hosted by Rough Trade. It was exclusively for fans who had already preordered the album.

IDLES played nine songs from Tangk, as well as a ton of different classics from their repertoire, amid backlash from acts like Bob Vylan for remaining silent regarding the ongoing conflict in Gaza.

Read More: Bands Like Propagandhi: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

Music News: IDLES Show Palestinian Solidarity Amidst Criticism

As reported by NME: “Several times during the night, frontman Joe Talbot voiced his support for the people of Gaza suffering as a result of the war with Israel. Introducing ‘Mother’, he paid tribute to his own late mum’s social conscience and said that if she were alive today, she would also support the Palestinian cause.”

On top of that, Talbot changed lyrics to the chorus of IDLES song ‘The Wheel’ to “Can I get a hallelujah? Viva Palestina.”

These statements come after Bob Vylan criticised both IDLES and Sleaford Mods last year for not being publicly vocal about the issue:

“It’s a cowardly fucking thing,” Bobby Vylan during a gig. “So fuck Idles, fuck Sleaford Mods and fuck every single one of those fucking apolitical bands that don’t want to fucking speak up when there’s something a little bit iffy, a little bit touchy, a little bit sensitive [because they’ve] got a fucking bullshit album to sell.”

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

 

Music News: Strung Out Reveal Inspiration Behind New Track ‘New Gods’

Music News: Punk legends Strung Out has released a new single, ‘News Gods,’ and have also confirmed what the inspiration is behind it.

“New Gods are the things we live for that get us through the day, every day,” vocalist Jason Cruz noted about the new track (via PunkRockTheory).

“Against all odds, they give us hope and purpose. They can be songs, ideas, or a helping hand from a friend or stranger. We wanted the video to represent the feeling of being inspired, as well as the feeling of inspiring and passing the torch- to begin something new and to live as a creative force in a world constantly destroying itself.”

Read More: Bands Like Propagandhi: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

Music News: New Strung Out Track Released

You can check out the (quite frankly, banging) new track from the Fat Wreck legends below:

Read More: Bands Like NOFX: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

The Ten Best ‘90s Soundtracks to Show Your Gen Z Cousin to Make Yourself Seem Cool

When one thinks of the ‘90s, mainstream acts like Nirvana, Garth Brooks, Alanis Morissette, and Bill Clinton’s jazz quartet often come to mind for pedestrians and non-pedestrians alike. However, it was also potentially the last decade in recent memory to have, as the Brawling Brutes say in truly bastardized form, soundtrack banger after banger after banger. We listed the top ten best soundtracks from the 1990s in alphabetical order with just one caveat other than not listing albums from other decades: No musicals made the cut, but several releases with the buzzwords “Motion Picture” did. Sorry not sorry, Simba. Also, the fact that almost half of the LPs highlighted here came out in 1994 is not lost on us, as it was the best year since 1969 for arts, entertainment, and Orenthal James Simpson.

“Batman Forever: Music from the Motion Picture” (1995)

Seal’s blockbuster song known as “Kiss from a Rose” is likely the most successful tune here, and as you know, the more popular a track is, the better it is. Naturally. Also, we have no idea who the music supervisor was on this Jim Carrey flick, but the fact that Sunny Day Real Estate has a song here is not lost on us and we are happy to find it every hour on the hour. Add in some The Flaming Lips, Nick Cave, The Offspring, and PJ Harvey and you have a sonically diverse mid-’90s soundtrack that somehow makes sense with a white tank top over baggy jeans with a random yet dated patch on one buttcheek. Hold us, thrill us, kiss us, but please, don’t kill us.

“The Crow: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack” (1994)

Unless you lived under a crow’s nest in BFE in 1994, you likely know about Brandon Lee’s disturbing fate on the set for this film, but possibly spent more hours enjoying the soundtrack to “The Crow” than the movie itself, which no one literate or illiterate would fault you for. “The Crow: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack” debuted at number one on the Billboard charts, an impressive feat for both standard LPs and soundtracks alike, and has sold over three million copies domestically. In addition, blockbuster acts like Nine Inch Nails, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Cure have standout tracks on this CD (remember those?) and an li’l act that was about to blow up named Rage Against the Machine is also featured; Reel Big Fish is NOT. Cover songs are F-U-N!

“Dazed and Confused” (1993)

A plethora of films have soundtracks, but not that many have sequels to such, and there’s just ONE “Dazed and Confused”! Not only did Richard Linklater’s throwback classic have a cast that few films could rival in any way, shape, or form, but its first soundtrack featuring Alice Cooper, The Runaways, ZZ Top, Black Sabbath, and so many more rock and roll for your party and your soul icons, is for your deadbeat dad who made just one child support payment, perpetually stoned regardless of the time of day second cousin Albie, and your nascent yet nostalgic AM radio loving hearts. Rumor has it that approximately ten percent of the film’s budget was previously set aside for music rights, showcasing that the creators wanted authenticity. That’s what we love about soundtracks, man, we keep getting older but they stay the same age.

“Forrest Gump: The Soundtrack” (1994)

Speaking of classic rock and music, we don’t understand why “Forrest Gump: The Soundtrack” doesn’t get mentioned with the same gold medal reverence as critical and social darlings “Saturday Night Fever” or “The Big Chill,” but it may be because stupid is as stupid does, Jenny. Regardless of which social global blunder caused this cataclysmic omission, this soundtrack is so good it was on not one, but TWO freaking compact discs, and told a chronological story in music form that was just as good, if not better than, the actual movie. From Elvis Presley to Creedence Clearwater Revival to The Mamas & the Papas to The 5th Dimension, the audio listener grew as Forrest lived his incredible and unbelievable life. What’s even more wild and mind-numbing about this whole shebang is that the movie is now THIRTY years old, making it a classic form of art as well; we’re old.

“Judgment Night” (1993)

If you were cognizant in 1993, you likely missed this flick, as even many in its cast did, but the cool kids DEFINITELY heard its genre blending soundtrack, and could NOT avoid reading about it in inferior publications trying so damn hard to be uber edgy and super cool. Trust us, bro, the marketing on this one was pristine, perfect, persuasive, and another POSITIVE adjective starting with the letter “P”! Anyway, Immortal/Epic Soundtrax were certainly ahead of their time with this one as the eleven songs on “Judgment Night” were all fun collabs between modern acts in the rock world and established rappers in the hip-hop lexicon: Notable songs come courtesy delivered from Helmet/House of Pain, Biohazard/Onyx, Slayer/Ice-T, and Britney Spears/NWA. The soundtrack eventually went Gold which stood out as the movie got globally panned and was not profitable… JUST ANOTHER VICTIM!

“Music from the Motion Picture Pulp Fiction” (1994)

Before reading the pulp section of this piece, you may desire to scold us for this LP seemingly being incorrectly alphabetized, but you’re wrong, as we are sticklers for both smugness and accuracy, so just sit in your mis ir lou and jungle boogie the hell home if you’ve got one. Likely your favorite soundtrack here, and certainly from our second or most favorite movie mentioned, “Music from the Motion Picture Pulp Fiction” was a welcomed retro and cinematic surfy throwback for audiences of all ages in 1994 even if the movie was inappropriate for those under legal smoking age. Audiences across the globe ate both this film, and soundtrack up, proving that Quentin Tarantino sure knows how to write/direct a fantastic film, and most certainly how to curate a badass soundtrack, that’s for damn sure!

“Natural Born Killers: A Soundtrack for an Oliver Stone Film” (1994)

If you thought that “Pulp Fiction” was a little dark, let’s go to an even more messed up place, fam, and dive into “Natural Born Killers.” Released on Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails’ Nothing Records, which was a subsidiary of Interscope Records, it not only had a narcissistic album title, but it was a seventy-five-plus minute journey that left the listener soaked in blood and sweat, much like its motion picture. Acts not named Nine Inch Nails on this soundtrack include Cowboy Junkies, Patti Smith, L7, and Tha Dogg Pound, and normally you’d assume that we are joking about the last inclusion, as we are sneaky little devils, but we are not here, we swear! It’s still quite hard to believe that Juliette Lewis was only twenty-one years old when this movie hit theaters and she licked.

“Singles: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack” (1992)

As grunge slouched in seemingly effortless style and took over the world of rock music in the early-’90s, it found a way to infect the cinemas then as well with the movie “Singles,” and its objectively and subjectively perfect soundtrack, the appropriately titled “Singles: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack.” Much like “Judgment Night” above, which came out just one year later, the suited folks at Epic Soundtrax were on quite a roll around this time, and they showcased their gumption over the course of this soundtrack’s hour plus duration in thirteen tracks: Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, The Smashing Pumpkins and even The Jimi Hendrix Experience were just some of the highlighted artists here. You can nostalgically smell the flannel as soon as you drop the needle down on your player, and the ghosts of Chris Cornell and Andrew Wood will sing to you till you can’t handle their greatness anymore.

“Wayne’s World: Music from the Motion Picture” (1992)

Fun fact: “Wayne’s World,” and particularly its off-the-wall now classic car scene wherein various characters “sing” and rock out to Freddie Mercury, Brian May, Roger Taylor, and John Deacon’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” successfully made a 1975 hit even bigger seventeen years later, so thanks, Wayne, Garth, and the Mirthmobile. Much respect, y’all. Queen wasn’t the only legacy act that got a boost because of this soundtrack as well, as Alice Cooper, who also appeared via a short and sweet moment in the film, was exposed to a younger audience as well; we’re not worthy indeed. To this day, “Wayne’s World” has quite a legacy in that it is the highest grossing Saturday Night Live film to be based on a sketch, and likely will be forever, AND it had countless poor imitators, none of which we will highlight here because we don’t want to further contribute to a problem.

“William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet: Music from the Motion Picture” (1996)

Let’s end this piece with the most recent movie film referenced, which is actually based on text from several centuries earlier: “William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet,” complete with a plus sign. We hope that you love us, love us, and say that you love us because we didn’t omit the one containing the dude from “Growing Pains” and one of the gals from “How to Make an American Quilt,” and if you don’t, maybe box office superstar M. Emmet Walsh will inspire a happy and fulfilled belly. Anyway, this film featured The Bard in extremely cinematically ambitious and avant garde form, and its soundtrack showcased the underrated act that we alluded to known as The Cardigans, along with tracks by Garbage, Des’ree, the brilliantly named The Butthole Surfers, and the awfully monikered The Pee Pee Hole Skateboarders. Young hearts run free, and even out of touch old heads dug this soundtrack!

7 Intellectual Properties We’re Going to Sully Once They Enter the Public Domain in 2025

Milking the public domain for profit is nothing new, but Steamboat Willie becoming fair game has everyone tripping over themselves to exploit it for personal gain. Since that train has left the station, we’re looking forward to January 1, 2025 to see what IP copyrights are expiring so we can ruin or subvert them.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

Martin Scorcese and asshole film school snobs love this influential silent horror film, and we can think of no better way to take the absolute piss out of them by rebooting it as an MCU knockoff where Doc trains zombie ninja assassins in post WW1 German. And if we can get Sony to produce it, there’s a 100% chance they’ll fuck it up.

The Skeleton Dance

Those vultures at Disney built their empire on public domain fairy tales, so once we get our hands on it we’re going to hold this little Halloween staple hostage and desecrate it until they pay us to get it back. We’re talking truly vile stuff like skeleton blood orgies, diatribes about how Hitler did nothing wrong, and replacing the music with Imagine Dragons. Bob Iger has 24 hours to pay or we’re coming for ALL the Silly Symphony cartoons.

The Sound and the Fury/A Farewell to Arms

We’re straight shitting on the legacies of two iconic authors for the price of one. Faulkner and Hemmingway hated each other in real life, so what better way to sully their rivalry than to reinvent their (arguably) best works and mash them together as a road trip buddy comedy through Italy about an ambulance driver and an idiot from Mississippi. Also, we’re going to drop that stream-of-consciousness crap and add a talking cat, Mister Meowsulini.

Little Nemo

If we’re being real there’s nothing about Little Nemo that we’d change, and it has nothing to do with its groundbreaking dream logic narrative and art style. Frankly it’s already tarnished by the character of Impie, arguably one of the most wildly racist caricatures ever conceived. If this kid dreams in bigotry, we don’t even want to know what his waking hours are like.

The Barcelona Chair

$3,000 for a fucking chair? Hell naw. And screw Barcelona, this will now be forever known as the Hard Times chair. We’ll charge $25, make it green, and add a shit ton of studs and zippers that stab the hell out of your ass, thighs, and back. Each one will be assembled in a poorly ventilated punk house basement by a squatter named Patches. Suck on that, you rich jackwads.

Alfred Hitchcock’s “Blackmail”

There’s actually a precedent for fucking up Hitchcock movies thanks to the completely unnecessary remake of Psycho that came out in 1998. We can go lower though, with another copy + paste job but with a cast of today’s most grating TikTok celebrities. Nothing like the words “starring Charlie D’Amelio” to shit on Hitchcock’s grave.

The Works of Frida Khalo

Hot damn are we going to exploit this one. Nothing says feminism like ruining her life’s work by plastering it all over shirts, stickers, coasters, and Stanley mugs. And why stop there when we can run “The Two Fridas” through an AI generator and add a third Frida, or better yet merge her paintings together and market them as new. Hang it in the Louvre!

Teen Shocked to Learn Commercial Spokesperson Snoop Dogg Used to be a Musician

SPOKANE, Wash. — Local Gen Alpha teen Angelina Stephenson was shocked and appalled to learn that famed commercial actor Snoop Dogg was not only not a fictional mascot, but once a well-respected musician, confirmed sources who used to own “Doggystyle” on CD.

“I was on YouTube watching an unskippable ad starring that dude Snoop Dogg was pushing Bic lighters. Which is weird, because I thought he was the spokesperson for Corona. Or was it Tostitos? Or The General? I didn’t realize brands lent out their fictional characters to other companies,” said Stephenson. “I asked my dad about it. But it turns out Snoop Dogg isn’t a character invented solely to sell cheap insurance and Mexican beer. He’s like a real person named Calvin. I mean, I knew Snoop wasn’t his real name, but I figured it was like Flo from the Progressive commercials or something.”

Stephenson’s Gen Z older brother Michael lamented the ignorance of his sister’s generation.

“These kids today just don’t get,” explained the 24-year-old. “Of course, Snoop Dogg was more than just some crip-walking caricature. His career actually started as an actor way back in the mid-’90s, playing bit parts in movies. Gen Z is well aware of Snoop’s previous artistic endeavors, such as his role as Ronnie Rizzatt in ‘Malibu’s Most Wanted,’ and Smoove Move in ‘Turbo.’  Now he’s just a fucking sellout, man.”

Sociologist Anna Chaney elaborated on the surprisingly common phenomenon.

“Longevity in the entertainment industry is both a blessing and a curse. Snoop Dogg is of course still a cultural icon, even if young people are completely unaware of his music career,” said Chaney. “But this ignorance of the past is not unique to Gen Alpha. For instance, while Baby Boomers fell in love with Paul Lynde as a flamboyant comedic actor, he first came into public consciousness as a sniper in the Korean War, setting a new record for confirmed kills. And then there’s Mark Wahlberg, Sean Penn, and Matthew Broderick, who all did horrible things in the past we now choose to ignore.”

When reached for comment, Snoop Dogg was unavailable as he was simultaneously filming commercials for Tyson Chicken, PETA, and Diva Cups.

Here’s How I Get 8 Whole Minutes Of Sleep By Remembering Something Embarrassing I Did 12 Years Ago

If you’re like me you probably stay up all hours of the night tossing and turning while trying to stop your brain from remembering an embarrassing interaction from over a decade ago. Well guess what—you can get shut-eye, too! After several months of therapy, I’ve managed to get 8 whole minutes of deep sleep some nights of the week. Here’s how I managed to get a bit of R&R after reliving the ultimate nightmare: once calling my boss “mom” during a company meeting.

It happens every once in a while. I’ll be lying in bed after a long day of work. I take a deep breath as I feel myself drifting off into a peaceful slumber. Suddenly a flash of light sends me straight back to my worst memory.

It’s 2012 and I’m working my first big-boy job. I’m attending one of those all-hands meetings that start at 8 a.m. There are never enough ugly, company-branded mugs or sad pizza parties to make up for them. Pat, the wholly sinister HR woman, tells everyone, “clap your hands twice if can hear me,” with a shit-eating grin on her face.

I look down and distinctly remember the corporate blue polo shirt I was wearing when the tragedy occured. I’ve burned it since. My boss Kelly is sitting across from me going over some Q4 bullshit. In a single careless moment, I ask a question and accidentally address Kelly as “mom” in front of 50 people.

There it is—the sick, perverse word hanging above the conference table. I feel like I’m going to vomit. The silence is loud as Kelly contorts her face in a way that makes me think I’m going to be put on some type of list.

I’m quickly pulled back into reality. I open my eyes and realize I’m at home in bed. This happened during the first Obama administration. There’s no way anyone remembers this, right? It was probably just one of those fleeting moments that only I remember. It’d be selfish to think people are still thinking about this. I mean, it happens all the time, right? No one’s retelling this story at a party and laughing at my expense, are they? My ex-coworkers wouldn’t use my humiliating moment as a way to… climax… would they?

I’ve started seeing someone about this—a sleep specialist who recommends hypnotherapy. She says this will bury the memory so deep, I’ll only relive it in my nightmares. The tradeoff for sleeping again is that I’ll have more nightmares.

So far it’s working. I’ve developed a nasty rash around all of my orifices that has hindered my sex life, but I’m getting 8 whole minutes of sleep at least 2 nights a week! Almost got to 9 last night. It’s kind of a miracle. And this is why I know you can do it too.

Next I’ll be addressing that time I told a joke and no one heard, so I had to repeat it after the moment had passed and no one laughed. I might not sleep for another 2 years.