BOSTON — Local woman Rachel Burch recently described her boyfriend Daniel Talbott’s sociopathic tendencies to her friends and family as him being a “silly goose,” confirmed sources who were more scared than impressed by his humor.
“I just need someone in my life who makes me laugh, and Dan always commits to the bit, even if it means harming the family dog. What a goofball,” Burch explained after witnessing Talbott gaslight her 66-year-old mother to give him 50 bucks at her dad’s birthday dinner. “The guys I dated before were always too macho to be funny, but when Dan left his girlfriend and kid after two months of us seeing each other, I knew I had found someone who was ready to create joy in their life.”
Burch met Talbott outside of a dive bar where he’s “made her giggle” ever since.
“What can I say? I’m always the funniest guy in the room and I will beat the ever-living shit out of anyone who thinks otherwise. I could tell Rachel liked me after I used my pickup line that involves asking how big her tits are,” Talbott recounted while casually shoplifting at a grocery store. “It tickles her that I text pictures to her ex-boyfriends from outside their homes with a skull emoji and buy burner phones to text ‘Do I scare you?’ to her extended family members who don’t like us together. All while on ketamine, of course.”
Not all of Burch’s friends are convinced by her explanations of Talbott’s antics.
“Dan is more frightening than funny. Rachel came by with him at an art fair I was tabling at, and immediately started saying that he’s always gotten the best head from Asian girls,” explained her best friend Isabelle Li. “He took a bunch of stickers off the table and then denied taking them while calling me slurs when I asked him to pay. When I saw Rachel a few days later, I told her what he called me and she said that I need to stop being so sensitive and saw that all the stickers were on her Stanley cup.”
At press time, Talbott received an offer for employment as Brand Image Consultant for AIPAC.
