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Hungry Children at Home Understand That Daddy Needed $250 “Lateralus” Parka Instead of Food

PHOENIX — The children of the Aaronson family forgave their father Billy for leaving them with empty, growling stomachs in order to purchase overpriced Tool merch at their recent Phoenix show, the children reported.

“We love daddy! Do you have a banana? I’m hungry and there hasn’t been anything to eat for days,” said Lila Aaronson, the eldest child of 3 and aspiring elephant. “Our babysitter Kayla came over the other night while daddy went to see his favorite band, and she kept asking if we have another fridge somewhere else with food in it. Daddy came back super late smelling like a bonfire looking really really REALLY happy. He said it was going to be a lean few weeks, and he kept strutting around to show off his new jacket. Which does look really cool, but Daddy said he’s going to have to cancel my birthday party this weekend which stinks. I’ve been dreaming of cake at night.”

Mr. Aaronson admits he has seen Tool at least once during every album touring cycle since their debut “Undertow” came out in 1993.

“Look, times are tough financially, and my kids are being great little troopers during this period while I try to find a job, but I couldn’t miss Tool coming through and this sick Lateralus parka is quite a bargain if you think about it,” said Aaronson, who is being audited by the Arizona Unemployment Department. “Not only is it stylish merch, but it’s functional winter weather gear too. And in Phoenix, climate change could affect things so hard that it actually starts to get cold here in the next 50-100 years. Or, my kids could all fit inside as a sleeping bag. So I’m responsibly prepared.”

Budget experts expressed caution about the tempting nature of concert merchandise.

“If you have kids, your days of buying overpriced merch should be over,” said Bridget Eisen, senior writer for Kiplinger. “You don’t need to prove to other people that you actually went to the show- no one is checking receipts. Just tell the other dad in the school pickup line and move on with your life. If you really want a shirt, wait until the tour is over and the band lists all the leftovers for 50% off online. But please just feed your kids first.”

Child Protective Services have taken custody over the Aaronson children after hearing rumors that the father is “getting into guitar pedals.”