NEW YORK — Board members at New York University decided to do away with any attempt at holding up appearances and just allow students to declare “Being Famous” as a major, sources confirmed with a shrug as if to say “makes sense.”
“We simply looked at the fact that 100 percent of our graduates go on to be famous in the arts in some form or another, and decided to cut out the middleman. Kids were applying to our school with the express purpose of making it big, why not make that ‘express’ all the quicker?” said NYU Head Linda G. Mills, as she copy-and-pasted the entire text of today’s Variety into the upcoming alumni newsletter. “It’s a very popular major, with nearly every new student we’ve accepted since the announcement declaring it. We had to read through so many application essays, which we requested, of course, to be written in the style of SNL five-time host monologues. That’ll get that out of the way for them when that day inevitably comes.”
Those who have completed the required coursework for the major were surprised at the perks it came with.
“Graduation was really fun because in addition to my diploma, we were also given the option to take a Tony award, a five-picture movie deal, or an official adoption from a potential famous parent that had connections to the John Oliver writer’s room. I couldn’t decide, with all the lights in my eyes and cameras going off, so they just told me to take all three,” said recent graduate Gerard Holcomb, who minored in “Talk Show Anecdotes.” “They did scold me afterward for not being used to the lights and cameras though, since a lot of the curriculum was based around…that…Ah, sorry to trail off, I’m just noticing the weird ‘grey’ color of this carpet…I’m just so used to red, it really threw me off.”
Hollywood agents are beginning to take note, relieved that their already easy job has been made that much easier by the streamlining.
“It’s just nice to know that someone has a four-year degree in being famous, to prove they’re ready for it,” said talent manager Taryn Linskey, as he sent a client an email requesting 10% of the pay from an acting role the client booked on their own and he in no way helped them get. “From now on, no more walk-ons, even if they’ve got talent spilling out of every one of their head-holes, capisce? They’ll need to make that dean’s list if they want that shot at the A-list, plain and simple! Now, excuse me, I need to go make a bunch of empty promises or I won’t hit my quota.”
Not to be outdone, the Berklee College of Music has now begun to offer the major “Couch Surfing” to prepare their graduates for the life ahead of them.