Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

5 Other Times Phil Collins Watched A Kid Drown

Posted on May 15, 2022 by Dan Rice

Ever get the feeling that you’re stuck in the same cycle of events repeating themselves over and over again? We all feel that way from time to time. But whether you’re a serial hobbyist, a serial dater or a yo-yo dieter, just be glad your loop doesn’t include the gift/curse of watching children drown and writing hit songs!

We all know the story of Phil Collins writing “In The Air Tonight” after witnessing a camp counselor allow a child to drown. What most people don’t know is that wasn’t the first kid Phil watched drown to death, and it would be far from the last!

Phil Collins has indeed watched enough children die of asphyxiation to fill a book, and what a book it would be, but who has time for books?

Here’s our definitive ranking of the top 5 times the former Genesis drummer watched a kid perish and did nothing… besides ROCK that is!

4th of July, 1984, Martha’s Vineyard
A beach town on the 4th of July, is there a better setting for a child’s tragic drowning death? As Collins noted how easily the undertow claimed the life of 11 Billy Myers he jotted a few lines into his travel notebook that would eventually become Easy Lover.

August 9th, 1983, The Atlantic Ocean
It was 9 year old Simon Perts’ stuttering, futile attempts to call for help after falling off of a cruise ship that gave Collins the inspiration for the hook “Su-sussudio” in the song “Sussudio.”

June 13th, 1997, Cape Cod
Witnessing the drowning of 12 year old Anthony Haggins in the beautiful waters of Cape Cod didn’t inspire any Phil Collins song in particular, but it’s not always about that. To quote the man himself, “Sometimes it’s just about beholding the majesty of a child drowning in the ocean.”

September 4th, 1985, SoCal YMCA
If you’ve ever enjoyed the Genesis ballad “In Too Deep,” and who hasn’t, you can thank 8 year old Ryan Pateneli, a boy who thought he could swim in the deep end and was wrong. Dead wrong.

Just the other day
Remember the late 2000s when Collins announced he was retiring from music? Well, that lasted about as long as it took for him to watch another kid drown and then BAM, 2010s “Going Back.” We can’t wait to hear what future adult contemporary mega-hits he writes after the untimely death of 10 year old Andrew Panning at a community pool early this morning.

Punk Band Kicks off World Tour With 36 Straight Shows in Hometown

Posted on May 15, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

SHEBOYGAN, Wisc. — Local punk band Disquantify announced today they will embark on an extensive world tour, with the first 36 stops right here in Sheboygan, perplexed sources said.

“It’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, you’re living the dream, but on the other hand, you really start to miss your friends back home,” said Disquantify guitarist Jimmy Jessup. “The road gets to the point where you don’t remember where you are, and that’s an eerie feeling. You’ll forget if you’re playing the YMCA Auditorium, Steve’s house party, a bowling alley, your old high school, or what. It all blends together. Sometimes it gets to where you can’t close your eyes without seeing white lines from the road. But hey, we get to tighten up and really dial it in right here in our own backyard, so I can’t complain.”

Fans say they’re excited and baffled to see the band line up so many gigs in their hometown.

“Disquantify kicks fuckin’ ass, let me first say that,” reported scene veteran Claudia Slocombe, scratching the back of her head. “But if you sleep at home for 36 shows in a row, is that even a tour? That’s gotta be at least a month, probably more like two or three. Don’t get me wrong. They’re exposing the lies and hypocrisy of this fuckin’ bullshit town, but at what point are they lying to themselves?”

Disquantify isn’t the first area band to begin a tour with an extended home stint, with metal band Menacing Onus setting a record 78-date tour of Sheboygan County in 2013.

“That tour was the wildest and craziest thing I’ve ever done,” recalled former Menacing Onus singer and current bowling alley attendant Brutus Shellbright. “It was everything I ever dreamed of, but it came at a price. My dad came down with cancer while I was on a loop up near Elkhart Lake. I considered coming back since it was only a few hours’ drive, but I couldn’t let everyone down. I knew they would have understood since I was so close to my dad, but I wouldn’t change a thing.”

At press time, Jessup could be heard explaining to a print shop employee that he needed 10,000 Disquantify shirts with “Sheboygan, Wisconsin” printed 36 times on the back.

9 Times He Was Just Kidding, Lighten Up

Posted on May 14, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

I know you aren’t a big fan of Dave, but this is a really long tour. He’s a great guy with a colorful sense of humor, but he doesn’t mean anything he says. Lighten up and learn to take a joke every once in a while, okay?

“You look like shit when you sweat.”

You really can’t joke about anything anymore, can you? Honestly, I hate the term “snowflake” as much as the next anti-racist, pro-choice, left-leaning punk, but you can’t say someone is an unsafe individual with no regard for personal boundaries just because you don’t like his sense of humor. Besides, does anyone really look good when they sweat?

“During your set, I stole your phone and changed your Instagram password.”

This is hilarious–chill! Dave did the same thing to me, but before he deleted all my pictures and cleared my iCloud and Google Photos, Dave posted a bunch of super offensive shit to my Facebook. When I found my phone in a urinal, I laughed because Dave is the type of guy that will do ANYTHING for a laugh. LOL!

“We should have babies together.”

Was that really such a weird thing to say to someone in the back of a cramped, dark van with no clear exits in the middle of the night while your band is on a six-week tour together? Obviously he didn’t mean it. But if anything, I think it’s the kind of sweet thing people tell their grandkids when they ask how Granny and Pappa met.

“Good morning!”

Were you really worried that Dave snuck into your boyfriend’s room and watched you sleep or were you worried that he saw your night time retainers? I can’t believe you kicked him out for that! One time, Dave was hovering over my bed, but he poured vinegar in my ears and hit me with a pillowcase full of dog shit because the “Jackass” movies prove that physical violence is the best way to make your friends laugh. Not to be whatever, but, like, get over it.

“I invited my parents to tonight’s show to meet you.”

Greg and Marta were only trying to hug you and asking a bunch of extremely personal questions because they’re in on the joke, too! Dave’s parents wouldn’t possibly drive two hours to a venue just to see the rhythm guitar player in the opening band because they believe Dave when he says you’re getting married next month! Watching you squirm and tell Dave’s family that their son was a psychopath was like watching a live taping of “Punk’d.” Plus, I really think your band’s progressive post-hardcore won them over.

“I adopted a shelter dog with your name and killed it because you’re too beautiful to live.”

Come on, Dave didn’t really do this. And if he did actually kill a dog, it’s likely he stole a sick dog from someone else. Not like a healthy puppy or whatever. It’s pretty funny that he trolled you like that, though– but you’ve got to realize not everything is about you.

“I lit my couch on fire and pushed it down the stairs because you didn’t text me back.”

You know, it’s okay to joke about people that don’t text back even if you think the message came at a totally inappropriate time or that the sender was clearly making a shrine to you in their closet. If I can see you read my message, don’t not reply without at least dropping a “haha” on it. Communication is a two-way street, and when it isn’t, it makes people do hilarious things.

“I’ll feed you to Lucy if you don’t go out with me. 💯”

Lucy is an emotional support animal and definitely not an intimidation tool, so let’s not jump to conclusions about whether or not your life was in danger just because you have no sense of humor. You should really check your assumptions about reptiles and reflect on why you think a nice guy you just met would want to do anything other than make you feel loved, welcome, and seen.

On second thought, Dave’s a piece of shit. You should totally get a restraining order.

“If you don’t marry me tonight, I’m gonna put you in my trunk, drive to the desert, and bury you alive. LOL”

This is clearly not a big deal because the text ended in a very chill LOL. Just because Dave is hiding in the bushes outside your apartment and tried adding himself to your insurance at the Co Op as a spouse is just tour hijinks. Sure, the tour ended weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean the fun should end or that the man hiding in the dark outside your window is a danger to your safety.

Vegan Stoked About Fast-Food Chains Offering Worse, Plant-Based Versions of Already-Mediocre Menu Items

Posted on May 14, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

DENVER — Local man and vegan of two months Gabe Rumsey voiced his delight over the abundance of tasteless, processed plant-based options being unveiled at his favorite fast-food restaurants, confirmed sources.

“I’ve always wanted to go vegan, but how could anyone give up those delicious KFC nuggets? I’d formed so many fond memories of just shoving them into my mouth at 2 a.m in depressive agony that I thought I could never quit them,” said Rumsey. “Lucky for me, they have these new ‘Beyond Nuggets’ that pretty much taste like unseasoned, deep-fried erasers. And I hear McDonald’s has a vegan Big Mac in the works? I can’t wait to spend $6 on that and feel nothing but numbness while I eat in my car.”

Rumsey’s new dietary habits have received a mixed response from his friends, who question the nutritional value as well as some of his claims.

“I was really happy to hear Gabe went vegan. He hasn’t stopped talking about his ‘reducing his carbon footprint’ and ‘increased energy,’” said friend Lucas Lund. “But I’m not sure how true that is when he’s eating like, 10 vegan sliders a day and the closest thing to a fruit he’s eaten is just family-sized bags of Skittles. I came over the other day and the only things in his fridge were a jar of Just Mayo and some hot sauce packets from Taco Bell. He lives a block away from a grocery store too.”

Tracey Tompkins, Director of Innovation & Product Commercialization at Burger King, cited Rumsey as a ‘perfect example’ of who the company is trying to reach with their plant-based offerings, like the Impossible Whopper.

“When someone makes a commitment to veganism, there’s this assumption that they’ll develop a whole new relationship with food, one that emphasizes freshness, sustainability, and nutritional content,” said Tompkins. “Mr. Rumsey, on the other hand, is content to consume any cheap room-temperature mediocrity so long as it’s been labeled ‘plant-based.’ And he doesn’t even seem to care when it’s cooked on the exact same grill as our meat-based products. Rock bottom standards like these show vegans can be just as undiscerning as anyone else.”

At press time, Rumsay announced that he will continue to improve his overall well-being by cutting out all alcoholic beverages and instead drinking six cans of Mr. Pibb every day.

If Alcohol Is Bad For My Body Why Is It Giving Me The Strength To Fight All These Bouncers?

Posted on May 14, 2022 by Doug Kolic

All I’ve heard my entire life is that alcohol is bad for my body, it’s destroying my insides, it’s gonna send me to an early grave, and blah blah blah. If that were true, then why is it giving me the strength to fight all these bouncers single-handedly right now?

How can something supposedly so destructive provide me with so much superhuman power that I’m able to hold my own against these juiceheads twice my size? The only explanation is that my family, friends, doctors, and old AA sponsors are all full of shit and have been lying to me for years. Why? Probably because they’re jealous that I can do cool ass things like use this pool cue as a bo staff to swing at these goons who want to kick the shit out of me for no good reason other than the fact that I’m “a threat to their clientele and property.”

I’ve never studied martial arts a day in my life, but now thanks to ole’ John Barleycorn, here I am Jason Bourning the SHIT out of these black shirts.

If you don’t believe that consuming a bottle of 50 proof hooch coupled with the numerous beers I’ve had makes me an expert at hand-to-hand combat, that’s fine. But then how do you explain all the other impressive things I was able to do because of it?

None of my friends believed that I could/should drive after all the booze I’ve had today, but not only did I get here in one piece, I performed a sick daredevil trick out front by jumping over some parked cars with my motorcycle. And I almost pulled it off except for that son of bitch gust of wind that came out of nowhere and hurled me through the windshield of a Honda Civic. If it wasn’t for the potent reposado pumping through my veins, I would have been in A LOT of pain.

They say you can’t keep a good man down, and I believe that. Especially one who’s dangerously over the legal limit and who clearly has no regard for the safety of himself or any other human being.
With the combination of an overinflated ego and my desire to numb my senses with alcohol, I can do anything — even fight off these fucking cops who just showed up, and who think their shitty batons/tasers/guns with have any effect on me or my invincibility.

Also, I look better drunk!

New Sid Vicious Signature Bass Doesn’t Come With Output Jack

Posted on May 14, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

LOS ANGELES – Legendary guitar manufacturer Fender announced their new Sid Vicious Signature Classic bass guitar which will feature a rosewood fretboard, vintage sculpted rear body, premium pickups, and absolutely no output jack whatsoever.

“We’re so proud to capture the essence of what made Sid such a memorable figure and someone that still inspires bass players to this day,” said Fender PR Lead Miguel Hopkins. “For months we researched his style down to the finest detail. And what we learned was that the rest of the band did everything in their power to ensure there was no way in hell anyone would ever hear him play. Ever. Turns out Sid was essentially a strung-out mascot that did more harm than good to not only the Sex Pistols, but to the punk genre at large.”

Enthusiasts are ecstatic that soon they’ll be able to get their hands on a detailed replica played by one of punk history’s most incorrigible characters.

“Sid Vicious was so cool, I want to be just like him when I grow up. The clothes, the girls, the heroin addiction, I want all of it” said 15-year-old Eric Raskin, who was introduced to the Sex Pistols by his cool older cousin. “I’ve always wanted to play just like him ever since I heard about him last year, and now I can! Plus the strap is a chain with a padlock, so once you put it on you can’t take it off. Should help weed out some of the posers. ”

Original Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones confirmed the rumors that Vicious was not only a terrible bass player, but was barely a musician at all.

“I considered him more of a fan than a band member, funny innit?” Jones reminisced. “I played bass on the record. And live? Let’s just say nobody seemed to mind that Sid never plugged in, did they? Ironic, that. Even today he’s still our most famous member, but he really didn’t do much except for murder that Spungen bird, did he? Maybe if he’s your favorite bass player you don’t deserve an output jack in the first place. But who am I to say?”

Feedback on the new bass guitar is mostly negative with users saying that the “Sid Vicious Signature Classic is a cheap, gimmicky, watered-down version of the ‘Punk Legends’ Dee Dee Ramone Signature Classic bass guitar model.”

How to Grill a Steak So Perfectly That No One Realizes You Don’t Know Your Children’s Birthdays

Posted on May 13, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

There’s nothing worse than a gray, flavorless steak. You might as well be eating a piece of shoe leather! Fortunately, we can give you tips on how to select the perfect cut of meat, dry-rub that is chock full of flavor, and give it that perfect char that makes you seem like the kind of parent who knows their children’s birthdays!

It’s not as difficult as you’d think, unlike remembering the specific day of the year your children first came into the world because you are always too busy working!

Select Your Steak: Not every piece of meat was created equal. Just like when you are desperately racking your brain to pick the date that seems most likely to be the little one’s birthday, you need to be able to make a decision. Different cuts of meat all have different levels of fat marbling, tenderness vs chew factor, and what connoisseurs call “butteriness.” Decide what you’re looking for in the steak (and in a family life that seems more distant every day), and pick accordingly.

Assume the Biggest Child is the Oldest One: This one can be tricky! Most likely, the biggest kid is the oldest, but you can’t take that for granted. The rule of thumb is that height and muscle density are the best way to get a good idea of a child’s general age or the firmness of a sirloin.

Dry-Rub That Sucker: Purists will say a good steak should speak for itself, just like those kids could maybe drop a hint if they were spring babies or maybe summer? One of them was around Christmas, it feels like. But rubbing your steak with kosher salt, black pepper, and our secret ingredient, a pinch of ground coffee will bring things to the next level!

Always Have Some Generic Gifts Ready: Keep all-age gifts like socks, watches, or maybe a bottle of schnapps (if they look like they’re maybe close to drinking age or just hit puberty early) around in your hiding place in your den, and make it look like you know anything about the lives of the human beings you’ve created!

Feigning your way through knowing it’s your kid’s birthday with a pre-prepared stock gift will make the entire steak cooking process go a lot smoother.

Always Charcoal, Never Propane: Wait, who’s that child? Do you have another kid somehow? That’s the neighbor kid? Right. Okay. Whew.

Let The Meat Rest, Unlike Your Conscience: A lot of amateurs cut into a steak fresh off the grill, just like they would say the first date that comes to mind without even watching their kids’ faces carefully while saying some days that seem likely. You need to let cooked steak rest for at least five minutes for its juices to reincorporate back into the meat, and you need to be absolutely sure you don’t accidentally say your boss’s birthday instead of the middle kid’s, unless you want to be sleeping on the couch and looking into divorce attorneys.

Bon Appetit!

Boyfriend Exhibits Worrisome Signs of Early Onset Townes Van Zandt Phase

Posted on May 13, 2022 by Tim Graham

WEST NEWTON, Mass. — 28 year old Jim Sylvia’s deep dive into Townes Van Zandt’s catalog has become a cause of concern for his girlfriend, Heather Ferreira, according to sources close to the couple.

“I was hoping it would just be a brief infatuation, but it’s been a few months and he’s still listening to nothing but Townes,” said Ferreira of her partner’s newfound obsession with the road-weary outlaw country artist. “He’s had me watch that clip from ‘Heartworn Highways’ where the old guy cries dozens of times now. Now he wants to rename our cats Pancho and Lefty. He even traded in his scally cap for a cowboy hat. My father went down a Van Zandt hole a few years back, and I refuse to watch that happen again.”

Sylvia, a data analyst, claimed his partner is overreacting and doesn’t understand his new outlook on life, which was shaped by repeated exposure to Van Zandt’s morose lyrics depicting the troubled lives of down-and-out blue-collar folk.

“Yeah, my old lady keeps ridin’ me about my lifestyle,” said Sylvia with an affected Texas accent while ordering lunch on Doordash. “She just doesn’t get it. But how could she? She listens to Arcade Fire and The White Stripes. Nothing that plumbs the depths of despair like Townes. She was concerned about my habit of slugging bourbon straight from the bottle until I showed her it’s just kombucha. I wish I could drink like Townes but sadly alcohol just makes me feel queasy.”

Psychologist Gary Wagner is alarmed by the spread of what’s become known as ‘Townes Van Zandt Syndrome’ among young people.

“While it is rare for someone in their twenties to exhibit signs of TVZS, it’s not unheard of,” explained Wagner. “And diagnoses are on the rise as more people discover Mr. Van Zandt’s music online. All the telltale signs are present in Mr. Sylvia’s case: frequent discussions of the futility of life and the inevitability of death, a fixation with ‘ramblin,’’ repeated utterance of the phrase ‘waitin’ around to die,’ the use of chewing tobacco, or in Mr. Sylvia’s situation, Big League Chew. This is a textbook case.”

At press time, Sylvia was spotted attempting to hitchhike to his Brookline office along Route 9 with an acoustic guitar slung across his back.

5 Ways To Drive Your Man Crazy As Outlined By Recently Declassified MK Ultra Documents

Posted on May 13, 2022 by Tracy Kellett

Having trouble keeping the spark alive with that special someone? You may be having a communication problem, but who gives a fuck about that when you can just break his mind and bend it to your will?

We have 5 sure-fire methods, as conducted and perfected by the CIA, to keep your man coming back for more or, at the very least, too weak to leave!

DRUGS:
Prepare a romantic, candle-lit dinner, subtly laced with LSD. We personally love Martha Stewart’s chicken pot pie recipe available on her website; creamy, flakey, and just enough garlic to hide that telltale acid flavor, this delicious dish will surely become one of his favorites, and not just because it makes him roll his balls off.

SETTING
Decorate your love nest so it’s homey, yet also effective as an interrogation cell. You’re a beautiful girl who is always cold, he doesn’t need to know that’s because you have the A/C on in January. And like any good girlfriend, steal his hoodie! This doubles as a sign of dominance and is a bonafide torture method. You think the boys down in GTMO have blankets?! Also, loosen those light bulbs! Nothing says “you WILL tell me what happened on boy’s night” quite like a flickering overhead lamp.

ISOLATE YOUR MAN
You deserve his complete attention, and the only way to get it is by driving an irreparable wedge between him and his friends and family. This is where you get to have fun with it! After all, relationships are meant to bring YOU joy!

Our go-to method is simple: change his phone number, deactivate his social media, publish an obituary, buy a coffin, hire an actor as a reverend, rent out a church, and fake his funeral. In the grand scheme, a burial plot with an empty coffin is a small price to pay for your future happiness.

BRAINWASHING
Every photo you take needs to be flattering, and of course, full of subliminal messages. Crop out that double chin and extra thigh meat and with all that additional space you now have room for love notes. Some of our personal favorites are “you could never live without me, like really, you would kill yourself” and “I am your Queen, bow to me peasant”. Feel free to personalize by exploiting your man’s individual fears.

AUDIO
Curate the perfect Spotify playlist that keeps him up all night! After all, a tired man is a pliable man. You’ll need a speaker, a laptop and/or burner phone, and a Spotify account – that’s it! Now hide that speaker under his pillow, and have it play disturbing, sub-aural frequencies in 10-15 minute increments. But remember ladies,if you’re spending the night you’ll need ear plugs! After all, you still need to get your beauty rest.

Finding your soul mate can be hard Queens, but turning the man of your dreams into a zombie-like love slave is so much easier if you follow these 5 love hacks. Happy hunting!

The Gaslight Anthem Tour Delayed Until Band Figures Out How To Load Gear Into ‘57 Thunderbird

Posted on May 13, 2022 by James Webster

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Fans of The Gaslight Anthem were disappointed to learn that the band’s long-awaited reunion tour will be postponed until the band can figure out how to load their gear into a classic 1957 Ford Thunderbird.

“We’re so excited to be back on the road as a band,” said frontman Brian Fallon while wiping his hands clean with an old rag after giving the car an oil change. “But we all agreed we don’t want to do it until we can do it right—in a 1957 E-Series Ford Thunderbird. In my head, we’re cruising down Route 66, following the neon signs and the whiskey bottles just like Kris Kristofferson or Tom Petty, but these days the dream has worn thin, and the neon’s burned out. Also, it’s hard to fit a bass cab into a two-seat convertible.”

A representative from Stub Hub confirmed the delay.

“It’s disappointing, to be sure, but we knew there might be issues with this tour from the start,” said sales rep Angela Stafford. “The guys in The Gaslight Anthem are fans of all things retro and sometimes that can be difficult to manage. For example, we only just got them to buy cell phones for the ‘59 Sound anniversary tour in 2018, before that, they would only call from payphones outside of 24-hour diners, and only after dark, when you could hear the streetlights buzzing. We’ve also got a Rolodex full of every diner waitress whose name is just ‘Red’, just to keep an eye on them.”

Others, while a little let down, saw an opportunity in the announcement.

“Sure, I want to see them sooner rather than later, but this will give me a chance to break in my leather jacket,” said Billy “Switchblade” Martinez while shining an apple on his well-worn blue jeans. “Don’t want to look like an idiot, wearing clothes from this century. Plus, I was instructed to follow the band around on tour. Not just as a fan, but as a mechanic. Do you know how often a car like a ‘57 Bird is going to break down? I’ll be stocked in hair pomade for years after this.”

At press time, Stafford confirmed that the band had sold the Thunderbird and instead bought a van that was nearly identical to the one that Springsteen would tour in, but that Gaslight’s would go about twice as fast.