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9 Times He Was Just Kidding, Lighten Up

I know you aren’t a big fan of Dave, but this is a really long tour. He’s a great guy with a colorful sense of humor, but he doesn’t mean anything he says. Lighten up and learn to take a joke every once in a while, okay?

“You look like shit when you sweat.”

You really can’t joke about anything anymore, can you? Honestly, I hate the term “snowflake” as much as the next anti-racist, pro-choice, left-leaning punk, but you can’t say someone is an unsafe individual with no regard for personal boundaries just because you don’t like his sense of humor. Besides, does anyone really look good when they sweat?

“During your set, I stole your phone and changed your Instagram password.”

This is hilarious–chill! Dave did the same thing to me, but before he deleted all my pictures and cleared my iCloud and Google Photos, Dave posted a bunch of super offensive shit to my Facebook. When I found my phone in a urinal, I laughed because Dave is the type of guy that will do ANYTHING for a laugh. LOL!

“We should have babies together.”

Was that really such a weird thing to say to someone in the back of a cramped, dark van with no clear exits in the middle of the night while your band is on a six-week tour together? Obviously he didn’t mean it. But if anything, I think it’s the kind of sweet thing people tell their grandkids when they ask how Granny and Pappa met.

“Good morning!”

Were you really worried that Dave snuck into your boyfriend’s room and watched you sleep or were you worried that he saw your night time retainers? I can’t believe you kicked him out for that! One time, Dave was hovering over my bed, but he poured vinegar in my ears and hit me with a pillowcase full of dog shit because the “Jackass” movies prove that physical violence is the best way to make your friends laugh. Not to be whatever, but, like, get over it.

“I invited my parents to tonight’s show to meet you.”

Greg and Marta were only trying to hug you and asking a bunch of extremely personal questions because they’re in on the joke, too! Dave’s parents wouldn’t possibly drive two hours to a venue just to see the rhythm guitar player in the opening band because they believe Dave when he says you’re getting married next month! Watching you squirm and tell Dave’s family that their son was a psychopath was like watching a live taping of “Punk’d.” Plus, I really think your band’s progressive post-hardcore won them over.

“I adopted a shelter dog with your name and killed it because you’re too beautiful to live.”

Come on, Dave didn’t really do this. And if he did actually kill a dog, it’s likely he stole a sick dog from someone else. Not like a healthy puppy or whatever. It’s pretty funny that he trolled you like that, though– but you’ve got to realize not everything is about you.

“I lit my couch on fire and pushed it down the stairs because you didn’t text me back.”

You know, it’s okay to joke about people that don’t text back even if you think the message came at a totally inappropriate time or that the sender was clearly making a shrine to you in their closet.  If I can see you read my message, don’t not reply without at least dropping a “haha” on it. Communication is a two-way street, and when it isn’t, it makes people do hilarious things.

“I’ll feed you to Lucy if you don’t go out with me. 💯”

Lucy is an emotional support animal and definitely not an intimidation tool, so let’s not jump to conclusions about whether or not your life was in danger just because you have no sense of humor. You should really check your assumptions about reptiles and reflect on why you think a nice guy you just met would want to do anything other than make you feel loved, welcome, and seen.

On second thought, Dave’s a piece of shit. You should totally get a restraining order.

“If you don’t marry me tonight, I’m gonna put you in my trunk, drive to the desert, and bury you alive. LOL”

This is clearly not a big deal because the text ended in a very chill LOL. Just because Dave is hiding in the bushes outside your apartment and tried adding himself to your insurance at the Co Op as a spouse is just tour hijinks. Sure, the tour ended weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean the fun should end or that the man hiding in the dark outside your window is a danger to your safety.