Having trouble keeping the spark alive with that special someone? You may be having a communication problem, but who gives a fuck about that when you can just break his mind and bend it to your will?
We have 5 sure-fire methods, as conducted and perfected by the CIA, to keep your man coming back for more or, at the very least, too weak to leave!
Prepare a romantic, candle-lit dinner, subtly laced with LSD. We personally love Martha Stewart’s chicken pot pie recipe available on her website; creamy, flakey, and just enough garlic to hide that telltale acid flavor, this delicious dish will surely become one of his favorites, and not just because it makes him roll his balls off.
Decorate your love nest so it’s homey, yet also effective as an interrogation cell. You’re a beautiful girl who is always cold, he doesn’t need to know that’s because you have the A/C on in January. And like any good girlfriend, steal his hoodie! This doubles as a sign of dominance and is a bonafide torture method. You think the boys down in GTMO have blankets?! Also, loosen those light bulbs! Nothing says “you WILL tell me what happened on boy’s night” quite like a flickering overhead lamp.
ISOLATE YOUR MAN
You deserve his complete attention, and the only way to get it is by driving an irreparable wedge between him and his friends and family. This is where you get to have fun with it! After all, relationships are meant to bring YOU joy!
Our go-to method is simple: change his phone number, deactivate his social media, publish an obituary, buy a coffin, hire an actor as a reverend, rent out a church, and fake his funeral. In the grand scheme, a burial plot with an empty coffin is a small price to pay for your future happiness.
Every photo you take needs to be flattering, and of course, full of subliminal messages. Crop out that double chin and extra thigh meat and with all that additional space you now have room for love notes. Some of our personal favorites are “you could never live without me, like really, you would kill yourself” and “I am your Queen, bow to me peasant”. Feel free to personalize by exploiting your man’s individual fears.
Curate the perfect Spotify playlist that keeps him up all night! After all, a tired man is a pliable man. You’ll need a speaker, a laptop and/or burner phone, and a Spotify account – that’s it! Now hide that speaker under his pillow, and have it play disturbing, sub-aural frequencies in 10-15 minute increments. But remember ladies,if you’re spending the night you’ll need ear plugs! After all, you still need to get your beauty rest.
Finding your soul mate can be hard Queens, but turning the man of your dreams into a zombie-like love slave is so much easier if you follow these 5 love hacks. Happy hunting!