Lockheed Martin Holds “Bombs Not Food” Fundraising Event

Posted on by John Danek

BETHESDA, Md. — Military weapons developer and defense contracting behemoth Lockheed Martin announced that it is holding a DIY-style fundraiser to raise money specifically for more explosive munitions, confirmed ecstatic war hawks.

“Our fellow humans in the Middle East need bombs more than ever before, so please consider coming to our pay-what-you-can fundraiser at the America First Hall where the suggested donation is $2,000 per entry,” explained Lockheed Martin president and CEO Jim Taiclet, who reportedly booked a handful of Southern Rock bands for the event. “World domination is the goal, and once we raise enough money for more bombs, we will drop them off in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, and elsewhere. In lieu of money, we will also accept precision-guided missiles and B-2 bombers at the door. Can never have too many of those on hand.”

Local punk bassist Liam Marceau attempted to explain his band Crack Curtain’s involvement in the show.

“Can you blame me for thinking this was actually a ‘Food Not Bombs’ event? When I saw the email for possibly getting booked on this show I instantly replied saying ‘yes’ without even reading it,” admitted Marceau, whose songs of anarchy and anti-imperialism seemingly stand at odds with the event’s sponsor. “But the way I see it, this is a chance for us to enact change from the inside. Maybe one or two employees will hear Crack Curtain’s songs of resistance and quit on the spot. And if that doesn’t work, at least we’ll get paid handsomely for our time. This is our highest paying gig to date. I need this.”

Defense industry critics are not at all surprised by Lockheed Martin’s co-opting of leftist language as a means to their own ends.

“This is typical Lockheed. I wouldn’t be surprised if next week they announced ‘direct action’ to protest a Children’s Hospital opening in Iraq since it will undo all their hard work,” explained former industry insider Violet Rossett. “This is to say nothing of their transparent war profiteering and crimes against humanity. Reminds me of the time Lockheed held a fundraising event to support local veterans, but didn’t tell anyone that they meant the veterans that worked at their company. Lockheed Martin is surprisingly fond of malicious wordplay.”

Inspired by their rivals at Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman announced that they are starting a crust punk record label, the proceeds of which will fund research for new weapons platforms.

Mark Wahlberg Insists Monster Mash Never Would Have Happened if He’d Been at Castle That Night

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LAS VEGAS – Actor Mark Wahlberg recently asserted that the fictional events contained in Bobby “Boris” Pickett’s 1962 novelty song “Monster Mash” never would have happened if he’d been at Frankenstein’s castle that night, skeptical and spooky sources confirmed.

“Yo, I just heard about this song, and the lyrics are wicked messed up. Apparently some mad scientist’s monster came to life and started doing this dance along with straight-up psychos like the Wolfman and Dracula. Call me old fashioned, but entertaining should be done by God-fearing humans, not soulless demons,” stated Wahlberg. “Look, I’m a street guy, alright? if I was there that night there would have been a lot of coffin-banger blood on those castle walls, then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to take out all these undead motherfuckers, so humanity doesn’t have to worry.’”

Journalist Joanne Kilpatrick described what led up to Wahlberg’s bizarre statement.

“I only asked him if he was excited for Halloween before he went off on the beloved novelty song for three or four hours,” explained Kilpatrick. “He started telling me how he’d first don a frogman suit so he could survey the perimeter from the castle moat, then Mark claimed he would cave in Frankenstein’s head before spin-kicking the shit out of all the Crypt-Kicker Five, who ‘probably didn’t even have abs.’ I should mention he maintained eye contact with me the entire time, it was very uncomfortable. He also said he could definitely neutralize ‘It the Clown’ but I didn’t have the heart to tell him he’s not even mentioned in ‘The Monster Mash.’”

Celebrity psychologist Dr. Chesterfield Wynett explained how actors’ inflated egos often lead them to believe they possess superpowers.

“Mr. Wahlberg is very typical of most Hollywood stars,” elucidated Dr. Wynett. “They spend their lives playing characters who save the world and who fight mythical creatures, so it’s natural they might also believe that they could single-handedly take out terrorists on a plane, or use their movie-based martial arts training to conquer fictitious boogeymen from a 60-year-old Halloween song. Either that or they’re just trying to get their name trending to sell more burgers for their family’s restaurant chain.”

At press time, Wahlberg was reportedly bragging to his limo driver that if he were in Golgotha in AD 33 when Jesus was crucified, shit definitely wouldn’t have gone down as it did.

Halloween Store Already Playing Christmas Music

Posted on by Bobby Korec

APPLETON, Wisc. — Local seasonal retail giant Ghouls Depot is reportedly already playing Christmas music over their sound system despite Halloween not yet technically over, sources who thought it was way too early confirmed.

“I enjoy the holiday spirit just as much as the next guy, but only when I deem it to be the absolute appropriate time of year and not a minute sooner,” said customer Blake Cody while doing some last-minute Halloween costume shopping. “As we all know Christmas music should start no earlier than the second Tuesday in December but no later than the Friday before the 25th, and it should end on December 28 at exactly noon. Isn’t that common knowledge? Plus, this is a Halloween store. I want to hear ‘Monster Mash’ and random spooky piano music while perusing the political figures and cultural icons costumes aisle. And while ‘It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas’ is a nice song and all, it just doesn’t have the same effect when I’m deciding between a bloody severed head decoration or zombie brain party favors.”

The Halloween superstore’s manager Helen Shambly didn’t really see the big deal.

“This store turns into one of those Christmas-exclusive retailers at the stroke of midnight on Halloween night, so we’re just getting a head start on the transition,” said Shambly. “Besides, today is Halloween which means Halloween is officially over and we can focus on the next commercially-viable holiday, and that is Jesus’ birthday. Sure, we’ve gotten nothing but complaints from shoppers all day about the festive music choices, but give it a few weeks and they’ll still be complaining that it’s too early to hear these songs. Complaining about holiday music starting too early is what Christmas is all about.”

Experts noted that these sorts of retail tactics weren’t terribly new.

“Just like how climate change is causing seasons to start earlier and earlier, capitalism is causing Christmas music to begin early too,” said economist Nancy Howles. “I once heard of a Toyota dealership that started playing Christmas music during their Labor Day extravaganza event. Hell, even Mattress Depot started playing it as early as their Presidents’ Day sale, which is in February. It’s like they think people will get into the purchasing spirit the minute they hear ‘Deck the Halls.’ They’re not wrong.”

At press time, Ghouls Depot compromised with disgruntled customers by playing Christmas and Halloween-themed music simultaneously over the PA.

Goth Can’t Wait to Explain Pagan Roots of Toyotathon

Posted on by Max Barth

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local goth Andrea Smith is reportedly thrilled to begin telling anyone who will listen about the pagan roots of the yearly celebration of automobile sales known as Toyotathon, preemptively skeptical sources confirmed.

“People these days are ignorant to the rich history of the event,” said Smith, sitting in the food court of a local mall. “Toyotathon is so much more than an annual opportunity to score amazing deals on bestselling cars, trucks, and SUVs with perks such as no-cost maintenance plans and roadside assistance. It’s a liminal event with well-documented pagan roots. During Toyotathon, I believe that the barrier between worlds is thin, eldritch magicks are afoot and dealerships should be culturally competent enough to ignore my credit score and multiple DUIs.”

The owner of a Toyota dealership in Altoona, Pennsylvania was more circumspect about the holiday’s history.

“Yes, we’ve had our share of folks knocking on the windows and yelling about Celtic spirits. Of course every Toyota dealer deals with these kinds of kooks towards the end of the harvest season. They try to come into the showroom and light candles, and throw motor oil all over our fully loaded Tundras. I’ve had enough,” said Dale Speck of Speck Toyota. “But I certainly can neither confirm nor deny any past or current practice of otherworldly goings-on within our company. If I do, they’ll kill me.”

Dr. Kendra Turner, head of The University of Iowa’s Automotive History department is no stranger to the mystery and controversy surrounding Toyota’s high holy days, which typically are celebrated from November through January.

“Anyone who says they know for sure how [Toyatothon] began is selling you something,” said the professor, whose recent published work includes a paper on the intersection of Happy Honda Days with the Sumerian calendar. “While there is a written tradition of 12th century Indo- European horse traders offering limited time yet truly exceptional leasing rates with zero cash down, it’s important to recognize that other cultures have oral histories which tell of far earlier periods of sensational blink-and-you’ll-miss-it sales. Egyptian pharaohs, for instance, often buried favored servants in classy yet affordable chariots.”

Certified Toyota dealers across the country have already reported mobs of goth revelers scurrying towards Toyota dealerships, seeking 0% APR, hybrid vehicles and spiritual communion with the infinite through ritualized human sacrifice.

Trust Me, Halloween is Actually the Worst Day to Poison Candy

Posted on by Dan Rice

If you’re a parent you’ve probably spent the week combing blog posts about Halloween safety. By now you know how to identify any signs of tampering, should some sick bastard decide to try and poison your innocent child. As one of those sick bastards I can tell you, you’re wasting your fucking time.

Think about it. Why would I, a murderer of children, waste my time poisoning candy on the one day of the year when people are actually looking for poisoned candy? That’s when the heat is on!

It’s high risk, low yield, and frankly a huge waste of candy.

We in the candy poisoning game have a name for anyone who tries to tamper with Halloween candy: amateur. Go ask one of those posers to name 3 kids they’ve successfully poisoned on Halloween. Deer in headlights.

Maybe you’re thinking that we’re compelled to try anyway, that psychos like me enjoy the challenge of slipping arsenic into a Reese’s cup while every parent in America is on high alert. Newsflash, we don’t. We like killing kids successfully and keeping a low profile.

I’ll tell you when I like to do it, Easter. No parent is inspecting an Easter basket for poison candy, and I’ve capitalized on that for over two decades. Thanks, Jesus!

Here’s a fun fact for you, there have only been two reported cases of poisoned Halloween candy in American history, and both cases were instances of the parent trying to poison their own child. Those selfish assholes ruined it for everybody, and OG monsters like myself have just taken that night off ever since.

The worst thing your kid is gonna get from me this Halloween is a toothbrush because no one suspects that guy of being a child killer.

Parents, stop being an overprotective wreck and just let your kids enjoy being kids this Halloween. Childhood doesn’t last forever, and if I have my way, it will end sooner than you think!

Real-Life “Scream”? This Guy Won’t Stop Quizzing Us About Horror Movies

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

The original “Scream” is a must-see horror classic that still terrifies audiences today, mainly because it’s so true to life. I can sleep comfortably after watching supernatural horrors like “Child’s Play” and “It” knowing that dolls aren’t possessed and clowns aren’t real, but the terrifying antagonist in “Scream,” Randy the annoying film bro, is very real. And men just like the horrifying and inquisitive character brought menacingly to life by Jamie Kennedy are hiding in plain sight, ready to attack with unsolicited trivia questions.

I know this because I am a real-life “Randy” victim. Currently I’m trapped in the garage at a house party with this guy from my film class who won’t stop quizzing me about iconic horror films. It started off innocuously enough. He asked about my favorite scary movies and I answered “Scream.” But what followed was a flurry of vicious and insulting questions each designed to surgically weed out any so-called “fake” horror fans. Maybe this onslaught isn’t as bad as getting stabbed to death by a masked maniac that turns out to be your boyfriend, but it’s definitely a close second.

Ugh, now he’s asking me to name my three favorite kills in the franchise. And apparently one of my answers is wrong because the body never appeared onscreen. Who cares? I’ll name every kill in the franchise if it means I can return to drinking in peace. I tried telling him my favorite kill was seeing that “dipshit film geek Randy” get stabbed to death by Ghostface in “Scream 2” but apparently he doesn’t get the hint and instead explains to me how that was meant as an homage to Hammer horror films. I asked him which Hammer movie is his favorite but he quickly changed the subject.

I’m not sure how much longer we can keep answering these questions. As if gatekeeping movies wasn’t bad enough, this guy is also gatekeeping re-entry into the party by standing in front of the door while he interrogates me about “Dead/Alive.” There’s a doggy door in the garage that looks big enough to fit a skinny, desperate partygoer. Let’s just hope nobody decides to get their car in the next minute or two.

Real Life Babadook? I Hate My Kid

Posted on by Dan Rice

They say the day your child is born is supposed to be the greatest day of your life. I’m here to tell you that’s a crock of shit. Ever since my little bundle of scream-crying, temper tantrums, and expenses came into this world my life has been an elevated horror.

Everyone, say hello to my little guy. My guy is named Brandon. My guy fucking sucks.

Back in 2014, I watched a little sleeper-hit horror movie called “The Babadook.” It follows a woman in a situation so horrifying I thought it could only occur in fiction; being saddled with a kid you don’t like very much. I remember thinking “Wow, thank God that in real life when you have kids they don’t completely suck like that kid sure seemed to.”

Apparently, life really does imitate art, because two years after we watched that movie my wife gave birth to Brandon and I haven’t slept a full night since. Spooky!

Pretty much the only difference between me and that lady in the movie is I don’t have a cool fairy-tale ghost to play around with.

Sure, Brandon doesn’t excel at making improvised projectile weapons from household items like that little Damien in the movie did, but he wreaks just as much havoc without them! His weapons of choice are the word “no,” throwing fits in public places, and leaving his goddamn toys right on the goddamn stairs every goddam night!

I tried explaining all of this to a psychologist to see if they could fix this little shit but they just gave me an earful about depression this, narcissistic personality disorder that, “you need medication and therapy” and blah blah blah. They didn’t say anything that addressed the primary issue that I thought I laid out pretty clearly, this kid sucks!

If someone could take this fucker off my hands for a night or two or forever I would super fucking appreciate it because I’m at the end of my goddam rope with his “I’m hungry! I can’t sleep! Pokemon!” fucking nonsense! That or send some A24 cameras down here so at least we can get another good movie out of the hellscape that is my life.

Don’t have kids, you guys.

Ghost at Ouija Board a Little Freaked Out Because He Also Didn’t Move the Thingy

Posted on by Vince Ratti

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – A ghost present while several tweens were playing with a ouija board became pretty freaked out after the thingy moved without his intervention, multiple giggling sources confirmed.

“I’m not going to be mad, I just want to know who did it,” moaned the mildly shaken, amorphous spirit. “I know I didn’t move the lil’ slidey piece and Isabella, Sophia, Emma, Emma S., and Emma J. all say they didn’t move it, so one of these little shits has to be a liar. Because if they didn’t do it, and I didn’t do it, that’s fucked up, and I don’t like it.”

Tension was temporarily broken when Claire Dublois, the host’s mother who had been keeping an eye on the group, announced that dinner would be there soon.

“I thought it would be fun to sit down with the girls for a minute, ask the ouija board what it thought dinner was going to be, and then push the spooky puck around to spell out p-i-z-z-a,” Dublois explained. “The girls groaned at my joke, of course. But then there was an unsettling gust of cold air and I swear I sensed this anxious, gullible presence in the room. As if there was an increasingly nervous idiot sitting right there with us. Certainly in the Halloween spirit!”

Jimmy Barnett, the pizza delivery guy, was able to catch a glimpse of the phenomena firsthand.

“I was so fucking high when I delivered their pizza that I swear I could see some kind of knockoff Casper floating around those kids,” Chasford recalled, shivering. “They asked the ouija board to tell them who was going to bring them to the dance, and as that doodad spelled out the names, the girls squealed, and the creepy ghost motherfucker started having a full goddamn meltdown. He was clearly way more scared than they were. Who knows what he would have done if i had told him about the poltergeist I saw rolling its eyes right behind him.”

At press time, the ghost was having a panic attack when the group of 13-year-old-girls decided to play “light as a feather, stiff as a board.”

Review: Type O Negative “The Origin of the Feces”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times reflects on a classic album from rock history. This week we decided to review Type O Negative’s “The Origin of Feces” because our dad wouldn’t let us listen to it when we were growing up.

Yeah, we know it’s fucking lame. But hey, our old man sure was a huge lamewad. He never let us listen to anything cool, especially if the record had a picture of a butthole on the front of it, so that meant “Origin of Feces” was not an option. We had the same argument with the old buzzkill about “Frankenchrist” as well – so look forward to that review later on as well.

So dad really was a jerk. He wouldn’t even listen to the album. He’d just look at the sleeve at tracks like “I Know You’re Fucking Someone Else” or “Kill You Tonight” and just dismiss the whole fucking thing outta hand. Open your mind, pops! You don’t understand the young people.

I mean, if we’re being honest, this record isn’t even that heavy. A handful of songs with moderate distortion about shitty ex-girlfriends and wanting to kill yourself – subject wise they’re basically eight-minute-long versions of Descendents songs. And dad had no problem with those records because of the “funny nerd drawing” on the cover.

And yeah it’s been kind of a bummer about the record but don’t tell our dad that. He can never know that he was sorta right about this. We mean, he wasn’t, he never is. But still maybe just don’t mention this to him at all.

Anyway, next week we’re gonna review beer. Like, just beer as an intoxicant because that one time he caught us drinking in the laundry room and he made us pour out our whole six-pack of Bartles and Jaymes. Fuck you dad! We do what we want now!

SCORE: 5 out of 5 mid-nineties wines coolers

/**/

Deluxe Reissue of The Cure’s “Disintegration” Comes Pre-covered in Cat Hair

Posted on by Dave McNamara

CRAWLEY, West Sussex — Goth rock giants the Cure reissued their seminal 1989 album “Disintegration” in a deluxe box set complete with bonus outtakes, live tracks, and an 80-page booklet, all completely covered in a thick layer of cat hair.

“At first I was confused. I thought my tabby Edgar had gotten to the records before I did,” said Cure superfan Todd ‘Sepulcher’ Sadowski. “But then I read the packaging notes and realized the cat hair was intentional. It almost made me cry tears of joy, if that were at all possible anymore. The only thing that brings me any semblance of joy in this world is the sound of Robert Smith’s guitar and the fluffy snuggle of a feline friend, and now I have both. You do have to lint brush the vinyl before you play it, but lord knows I have plenty of those lying around.”

Cure frontman Robert Smith was extremely proud to be a part of the world’s first feline-based reissue.

“If I could make records exclusively for cats instead of people, I would,” said Smith. “I’ve really lost my love for humans long ago. They let you down and they break your heart. Cats are the only ones you can truly depend on in the end. Then they’ll eat your face to survive, but after I’ve shed this fuselage my cats can do with it what they please. And I know my true fans feel the same, that’s why I decided to shroud this reissue in the dearest substance possible.”

Cosmo Doyle runs the Black Wax record pressing plant in West London charged with the production of this unusual request.

“Turns out you can’t shave cats for commercial purposes in the UK,” said Doyle. “So all the hair used in this packaging had to be shed naturally. This was a bit of a curve ball, so I had a couple of employees hit the thrift shops looking for old clothes and jackets covered in the stuff. We really hit the jackpot when I had them go to the coatroom at the Substitute English Teacher’s Union headquarters in Sussex. Those people really love their cats.”

At press time, the band announced plans to release a deluxe edition of “Seventeen Seconds” which would be soaked in the tears of an actual grieving widow.