The Ramones were masters at writing instructional punk songs. Songs that teach the listener how to sniff glue and how to not go down to the basement have informed generations of punks everywhere – and we here at The Hard Times consider ourselves well-educated.
However, as the court documents that we’re allowed to tell you about clearly state, “beat[ing] on the ‘brat’ (Timmy Goodson: accuser) with a baseball bat was not intended to be taken literally, and Hard Times [The] are liable…” and yadda yadda you get the gist, right? Our attorney has advised us not to continue.
Look, we didn’t plan on teaching all the kids what to do with a brat like that who’s always on your back when we went to the daycare center that day – we were only there to pick up our sister’s dumb little wiener kid while she was, ironically, tied up in court. But then we saw that Timmy kid being a dick to some other preschoolers over by the sports equipment shed and we just kinda thought “what can we lose?”
The answer to that question is potentially more than all of our assets and a mandatory 5 years in prison if this case doesn’t go our way. Unfortunately, our attorney is not optimistic as it turns out that the daycare center has security footage of us actually wielding the baseball bat – it was aluminum though, which we feel should count for a reduced sentence.
Do we admit we may have taken it a bit too far? Well, our legal counsel has advised us to say “no,” so that’s what we’re going with.
The important thing to remember here is that, regardless of what happens to us, there’s still a playground full of kids out there who definitely know now how to beat on a brat with such intensity and bloodlust that the judge in our case has called “so horrifying it could be modern art.”
So listen to the Ramones to learn life lessons and cudgel-based combat – just make sure that there aren’t too many witnesses.
And if someone could post our bail we’d appreciate it. We used our one phone call to prank Danzig again.