Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Cocaine Agrees: Your Opinion Is the Best One

Posted on November 27, 2022 by Dom Turek

Not to be dramatic, but I would rather listen to a parrot read the Old Farmer’s Almanac from start to finish than hear this woman’s story about how she met her partner. Does she really think just because it’s her wedding day all the attention should be on her? My new friend Hunter and I have been patiently waiting for what feels like years to ask people about their most traumatic childhood memories.

Hunter was at rock bottom before I set up camp in his nose. He was a real people-pleaser who went to bed before 7 AM, volunteered at the local animal shelter, and listened when people spoke. Not on my watch. As long as I am his plus one, he won’t be pleasing anyone but himself.

If anyone needs us, we’ll be in the bathroom railing lines off the back of a toilet tank and drafting a business plan for solar-powered microwaves that’s going to blow your fucking mind. Take one last look at your kitchen, because with his brains and my ingenuity, we’re about to revolutionize the home appliance industry.

Most people know that high achievers sleep less on average, but did you know they also blink less? In some cases, not at all. They also shower less, eat less and shit uncontrollably. Doctors will say its drug-induced gastritis but I say its the body ridding itself of excess bullshit. The only difference between you and a doctor is a first-aid kit and a few YouTube videos on Eastern medicine. Remember that.

Great minds have always encountered resistance. It’s not Hunter’s fault that he knows more about literally everything than you do. You saw the movie? He read the book. You read the book? He wrote the book. His breath stinks? Your attitude stinks. His nose is bleeding? Thanks for letting him know. Does anyone have a napkin?

Review: Meshuggah “Koloss”

Posted on November 27, 2022 by James Knapp

Each week, The Hard Times looks back on a classic album. We also review it if we aren’t too drunk. This week we relistened to Meshuggah’s “Koloss” and discovered some interesting lyrical content we really weren’t expecting.

The brutal, extreme metal which Meshuggah has developed over the years naturally lends itself to a low, garbled vocal style. But that doesn’t mean they don’t put a shitload of effort into crafting their lyrics, focusing on themes ranging from life and death, existential skepticism, and the violence inherent of the universe.

Then there are these lyrics we discovered in Koloss’ lead-off track, “I Am Colossus:”

“I do prefer to sit in the front seat
whenever I ride in a Toyota Camry.
There’s just more legroom. It just makes sense.
Plus the cup holder is far more accessible.”

Well, that was pretty goddamn weird. It was pretty perplexing to us that a band known for heavy, brutal, and visceral lyrics would think to include a verse about seating preference in a mid-size sedan. Is it a metaphor? We aren’t sure, because before we could figure it out we were bombarded with these lyrics from “Break Those Bones Who Sinews Gave It Motion:”

“My friend Ben has a Camry.
Its front seat is cluttered
with empty McDonald’s cups.
It is hard to stretch my legs.
I want to sit there!
Clean your car, Ben!
Do it or I will
fill the cup holder with your guts!”

So is this a concept album? We couldn’t understand why Meshuggah would include two references to their friend Ben’s Camry on the same record across two songs. The good news was that we didn’t have to – because here’s the third one we found in the song “Demiurge:”

“I am sorry for my previous outburst, Ben.
I do not actually desire to fill the cup holder with your guts.
Here, let me assist you to clean up the McDonald’s cups.
Then we can drive to the rollercoaster park together.
I hope they have cotton candy.”

Okay. That’s kind of sweet. We still have no fucking idea why those are the lyrics but at least it’s nice they made up with Ben, whoever that is. So we guess, “Koloss,” kinda heartwarming. Good job, Meshuggah!

Score: 4 out of 5 Japanese sedans

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Shoegaze Guitarist Instinctively Steps on Mouse Trap

Posted on November 27, 2022 by Matt Bieker

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Local guitarist Dylan Scharm recoiled in pain earlier today after spotting a set mousetrap on his father’s garage floor and instinctively stepping on the release catch, amused medical staff confirmed.

“I don’t even know why I did it,” said Scharm, gingerly removing the thin sneaker that failed to stop him from injuring his foot. “I play live with like, 20 pedals during a set at minimum, and I’m jumping all over those things. They don’t call me the ‘River Dancer’ for nothing. But like, I saw the mousetrap down there, and then suddenly I was on stage looking down at my board about to smash the Flanger. I should have know it wasn’t a pedal because of the huge chunk of cheese just sitting there. Goddammit, I think my pinky toe is broken.”

Scharm’s loved ones have said that the 29-year-old’s performance habits have affected his daily life.

“It’s constant with him,” said Scharm’s girlfriend Natalie Ramirez. “”He’s spent thousands of dollars and several years on custom pedals with stupid names like ‘Caustic Fuzzbucket’ and ‘The Grub,’ so I get why stepping on shit is ingrained at this point. He honestly just can’t help himself. Last week it was my phone. I put it on the ground for one second while I tied my shoe and he just stomped it like it was his fucking Boss OD-3. I’m scared to let him drive at this point.”

Scharm’s bandmates also weighed in on his strange and often destructive behavior.

“I’ve learned to live with it,” said Mark Tinsley, drummer for MOON/DOOR. “After our show at Mully’s Hideout a few months back, I went outside to smoke and I put my brand new pack of American Spirits on the steps next to me when I heard the door open—I barely moved them out of the way in time but he still got my thumb a little bit. The worst part is, all the stomping would be worth it if it actually made him sound any better.”

At press time, Scharm was seen removing all dangerous obstacles and potential pitfalls from his home, including his actual pedals.

We Look Back at 10 Years of “American Idiot” Because We’re in Denial About the Passage of Time

Posted on November 26, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

Wow. Where does the time go? One minute you’re thirteen years old jamming out to your new favorite album, Green Day’s “American Idiot” of course, and the next minute an entire decade has gone by. Just a decade, though. Not any longer than that because I refuse to acknowledge how old I’ve become.

How can we forget those nights of staying up late and watching the “Holiday” video or looking up half-correct tabs for “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” on Ultimate-Guitar.com? It feels like it was just yesterday when we were all “rocking against Bush.” But, according to our best estimate, it’s been 10 whole years. But just ten years. It’s crazy how time flies when you’re in denial and terrified of death.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but no one is immune from the inevitability of aging. Hell, even the guys in Green Day must be in their late thirties by now! Can you even imagine a middle-aged Billie Joe Armstrong? It’s all but inconceivable!

Admittedly, we brought this on ourselves. We were in such a rush to grow up, it didn’t occur to us to cherish the privileges of youth. If we could turn back the clock we’d tell our younger selves just how fast ten years, and only ten years, can go by.

But denial is a dead-end road. “American Idiot” turning 10 shouldn’t scare us. If anything, it should warm our hearts, thinking back to that time when we saw ourselves as the “Jesus of Suburbia.”

We must also acknowledge how well this album has held up. So many albums show their age in one or two years, it’s remarkable that Green Day made something ten years ago that still feels relevant now. And given the current political climate, it might be relevant for another ten years.

10 Must-Try Coping Mechanisms That Won’t Help Phoebe Bridgers Fans

Posted on November 26, 2022 by Nick Lundquist

If there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, it’s that existence is a punishing ordeal that we all must endure until our inevitable deaths. But don’t let that keep you down! We’ve come up with a handy list of must-try coping mechanisms designed for anyone with a case of the blues…unless you’re a Phoebe Bridgers fan, obviously. None of this shit will work for anyone who owns “Punisher” on vinyl.

Stop Listening To Phoebe Bridgers

We highly advise against listening to any of Phoebe Bridgers’ discography if you’re suffering from the following issues: anxiety, depression, PTSD, allergies, stomach aches, or skelephobia as they will all be enhanced by her emo-folk indie-pop. We also suggest avoiding her collaborations with Conor Oberst and Julien Baker as they’ve been shown to cause severe indigestion. This should be a fairly easy one to follow, unless you are a Phoebe Bridger’s fan, then obviously you’re SOL.

Deep Breathing

We recommend taking a deep breath through your nose, holding it, and then slowly breathing out through your mouth. Let’s try it now! Mmh, ahh. Wasn’t that nice? And of course try not let this exercise remind you of Phoebe’s lyric “But you’re breathing in my open mouth, you’re the gun in my lips that will blow my brains out.”

Talking With Friends

Spending time with your closest friends can be just what the doctor ordered! The support of a loving companion who is willing to listen can rejuvenate even the most downtrodden among us. Honestly this one is foolproof, it would work for literally anyone! Anyone except the type of person who would spend hours telling their friends about the time they made .5 seconds of eye contact with Phoebe Briders at Lolla.

Adopt A Pet

When in doubt, take on more responsibility! That should sort everything out. Adopting a furry, scaly, and/or feathered friend could put the shambled state of your life into perspective, but remember that your pet isn’t a toy. If you start dressing your fur baby in a skeleton onesie and posting pictures until Phoebe Bridgers retweets you, that could actually make your pet’s mental health worse instead of making yours better. Really makes you think, huh?

Professional Help

Seeking help from an expert is nothing to be afraid of, and may provide key insight into your state of mind. If it’s good enough for Tony Soprano then it’s good enough for us! If there’s one thing we learned from that show it’s the efficacy of psychotherapy. Meeting with a professional is a fantastic idea as long as that “professional” isn’t a singer, songwriter, or music producer who looks like an insomniatic Targaryan.

Seriously, Just Take A Break From Phoebe Bridgers For A Bit

We get it, you’re enchanted by her poignant songwriting and haunting vocals. But we’re all getting worried by how much Phoebe Bridgers you’ve been listening to lately. Maybe take a break for a bit and listen to something more upbeat? How about some Lizzo? It’s bad bitch o’clock… Right?

Medication

Now, you may believe this one might actually work for Phoebe Bridgers fans. It’s just brain chemistry, right? It’s gotta do something! Wrong. You are wrong. Having worked closely with PBF’s in our research, we can say from first-hand experience that SSRI’s didn’t stop a single person from listening to “Moon Song ” on repeat until they passed out from crying-induced dehydration

Practice Yoga

Namaste! If you’re anything like us, then you’re not nearly as flexible as you could be. Practicing yoga would do wonders for your ability to stretch, relax, and meditate on your life. You could even try going to a yoga studio to downward dog in a group… but be careful. If “Scott Street” starts playing on the instructor’s downtempo playlist then you need to evacuate immediately.

Writing

Journaling is an excellent method of interpreting your thoughts and feelings in a logical way. Try writing down more ideas throughout the day to see the progress you’re making! Just be careful with how deep into your psyche your writing goes, or you’ll end up creating song lyrics like “I’m gonna kill you, if you don’t beat me to it” about your emotionally distant father! And we all know who would be into something like that, don’t we?

Physical Activity

Guess what, Bridgeheads? Gently swaying back and forth for five hours at a Better Oblivion Community Center concert doesn’t count as exercise. If anything that’s just alternative sleepwalking with extra head-bobbing. Go for a run instead!

Fine, Listen To Phoebe Bridgers

Whatever, go ahead. See if we care.

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Aging Fans Spend Most of Show Discussing Best Route Home

Posted on November 26, 2022 by Doug Kolic

LA MESA, Calif. – A group of 38-year-olds attending last night’s Social Narcolepsy gig reportedly spent the entire show discussing the best route home, confirmed nearby sources.

“Look, I’m trying to be in the moment and enjoy the show, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t also be thinking about the best way out of here as quickly as possible. We drove almost two hours to get here, I want to make it back at a decent hour,” stated Bryce Ferguson as he attempted to get a network connection for his Waze app. “There are like 70 people at this show, that could create a real bottleneck getting out of the parking lot and set us back upwards of 15 minutes, so we need to be efficient. There’s nothing ‘metal’ about only getting five hours of sleep. It’s still a work night.”

Bartender Janice Tewksbury explained how most conversations she had that night centered around the fans wondering how they could avoid construction traffic on the 405.

“When I wasn’t dishing out pitchers of water to those lame old dudes they kept asking if the roadwork is just on the shoulder of the highway or if they are shutting down lanes. It was the worst conversation I’ve had since an old guy asked me what my vagina looked like,” said Tewksbury. “They insisted I find them a physical map like it was 2005 so they could sketch out a route on a napkin. They didn’t even stay for the headliner, which is too bad since the band later announced it was their secret retirement show. Trust me, anyone who was here witnessed an epic once-in-a-lifetime performance.”

Expert at The Aging Fan Institute (AFI) Alana Mendoza, described how priorities evolve as you get older.

“When people are young, their unbridled enthusiasm for live music takes center stage,” Mendoza described. “But as they age, fans attend concerts for very different reasons. Just the act of getting your friend group to actually commit to buying tickets and attending a show is a victory. But once they get to the venue their focus shifts to hightailing it out of there as fast as they can. Because at this point in their lives they have less in common with the spirit of the music than they do with their shared desire to get back to the burbs and watch ‘House Hunters’ with their respective partners.”

At press time, the friends were almost halfway home and reminiscing about how awesome the show was.

Photo by James Knapp.

Merch Guy Asked to Start Work at 4 a.m. For Band’s Black Friday Deals

Posted on November 25, 2022 by Bobby Korec

SWEET HOME, Ore. — Local merch guy Adam Planville reluctantly went into work at 4 a.m. to prepare for the punk band Vegan Werewolf’s Black Friday sales event, sources who wanted to hit snooze a few more times confirmed.

“The show doesn’t start for another 15 hours and the venue’s not even open yet, but I have responsibilities as a merchandise professional,” said Planville while peeking outside to see if anyone had camped out for the deals. “I actually had to bust in one of the windows, carry in all the merchandise through broken glass, and set up in complete darkness because I couldn’t find the light switch. Breaking and entering is just sort of routine in this line of work. But hey, at least I’m getting compensated time and a half today, which means instead of the normal dozen beers they pay me, I’ll get an 18-pack. I guess there’s a silver lining in being taken advantage of.”

Members of the band stood firm in their decision to make Planville come in early.

“It’s Black Friday, fuck’s sake. We need to be prepared in case we get a rush of holiday shoppers who want to buy our demo as a stocking stuffer for their family members,” said guitarist Lenny Gravesight. “Last year we had as many as two fans burst through the door before sunrise, and we weren’t ready for that sort of volume whatsoever. This year we’re expecting way more. Maybe a whole six people. After all, this is quite possibly the biggest sales event we’ve ever run. Our fans can get 5% off their purchase of 10 or more products. Not even Best Buy is offering deals that juicy.”

Economist Tiffany Lambert revealed that no retail worker is safe on the historically polarizing shopping event.

“Employees are exploited 365 days a year, but Black Friday is typically the exploitiest,” said Lambert. “For one, retail workers are asked to come in while they’re basically still half-drunk and digesting Thanksgiving dinner. Mall Santas take quite a beating from children. And merch guys are forced to stand behind a table for over an hour while people peruse their products from a safe distance and avoid eye contact without actually buying anything. It’s inhumane, really.”

At press time, Planville wasn’t sure what the band meant when they asked him to come in early for their Cyber Monday deals.

Steve-O Trying to Figure out How to Get Black Friday Mob to Trample His Balls

Posted on November 25, 2022 by Vince Ratti

LOS ANGELES — “Jackass” star Stephen “Steve-O” Glover was spotted early Black Friday morning pensively inspecting the entrance of a Best Buy while writing on a notepad and occasionally looking down at his crotch in apparent preparation for a testicle-related stunt, cringing witnesses confirmed.

“I can’t help it dude, everytime I think I’m done, I get an awesome new idea for destroying my penis, shooting something into or out of my butt, or a way to get covered in shit that’s never been done before,” the “Wildboyz” co-host explained while looking at the long line of shoppers. “It’s tricky though, people don’t realize you have to carefully plan these stunts out and sometimes it takes some trial and error before you find the perfect way to get a crazed army of shoppers to just annihilate your balls. It’s an art.”

Black Friday deal-seeker Nick Smith was at the front of the line when the store opened.

“We saw this guy wearing nothing but reindeer ears, a red nose, and a diaper with the American flag on it loitering around all morning. Then just as they started opening the doors he shouted ‘I’m Steve-O and this is the Black Friday Sack Stampede’ and hurled himself, spread-eagle, onto the ground,” recalled Smith, wiping blood from his own shopping wounds. “I felt bad stomping his cherries, but even the possibility of involuntary manslaughter wasn’t going to keep me away from a $25 air fryer. Besides, I’m pretty sure I heard him grunt ‘hell yeah’ as we trampled him, so I think I’m in the clear.”

Medics managed to extract Steve-O from the dangerous situation.

“He’s lucky we were already here because of the beheadings at last year’s sale. But as we were dragging him out from under the mob, he kept resisting and shouting ‘cut!’ even though there was no film crew or anything,” said EMT Brianna Reid between breaths from an oxygen mask. “He probably has some serious internal bleeding and should absolutely come with us to the hospital, but he refused. I’ve seen this too many times before and it’s tragic. And also, he really should have called the stunt ‘Black Friday Ball Busters.’”

At press time, Steve-O was overheard asking everyone if they could get back in line so he could try another take with a candy cane up his ass.

Who Rescued Who? I Adopted an Aggressive Dog To Avoid Talking to Neighbors

Posted on November 25, 2022 by Dan Bookbinder

When I moved to this neighborhood, it was dirty and industrial. Now? Condos and kava bars. The friendliness is out of control. I should be able to get ramen without dodging kids on scooters or chatting with the local mom squad. I needed a dog for protection from small talk.

I went to the kill shelter and it was fucking sad. Even the Rottweilers had the fight drained out of them. Then I saw Ronnie, a Pitbull mix. She had a big frame but only weighed 19 pounds. She was mangey, her teeth were worn down, and she was covered in snot. When they told me her owner went to jail, I knew she was perfect.

I changed her name to Venom and got her fixed. If I wanted to keep people away, I can’t have horny dogs sniffing around. I spent the next few weeks bulking her up, feeding her peanut butter out of my palm. When she got up to 80 pounds, she looked like a beast, and I knew she was ready to go to work.

The problem? She didn’t have a mean bone in her body. I wanted an attack dog but got a best friend. I invested in training. For $650 a month, I got this silly, lazy dog to act like a rabid monster on cue. Granted, she only knew German commands, but that works!

I got her a custom harness and spiked collar from a BSDM leather sculptor. It was worth it to have my cute baby looking like a sick-ass warhorse, ready to trample some Goldendoodles.

Scaring neighbors is a partnership and I learned to meet her halfway. A little slack on her leash allowed her to lunge at the baby strollers. I’d pretend to be apologetic and act like she’s out of control, saying, “Sorry, she’s not friendly” with the right amount of mock concern.

When a high school track team was running toward us, I gave her a quick “Gib laut!” and she barked her ass off, sending them sprinting in the other direction. If kids are too loud on the playground across the street, I have her run up slides and leap over swings, clearing them out real fast.

I set up a grooming regime, shaving random spots on her body and using dreadlock wax to make her fur matted. It’s hard work, but when trick-or-treaters avoid my house and there are pages of complaints on the Nextdoor app, I know it paid off.

Pit Bulls have been getting good PR lately, so people aren’t as afraid of her as I’d like. But if someone still wants to approach, all I have to do is tell them I got a deal from a backyard breeder and they keep their distance.

Opinion: I Prefer Sonic Youth’s Earlier Stuff, I Presume

Posted on November 25, 2022 by Bobby Korec

Sonic Youth is quite possibly one of the most influential bands of all time, at least I think so anyway. Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon have single-handedly inspired thousands of musicians, from what I understand. And although their later albums are listenable, I much prefer their earlier stuff, I assume.

Sure, I haven’t actually heard their early work, but I have heard of it. That’s what matters.

To be frank, I’m not sure I’ve ever listened to the new stuff either. One time I accidentally heard some of their middle-era material and really liked what I heard. But it turned out I was just listening to Nirvana’s b-sides and getting it confused with the Youth. Happens to everyone.

But from what I can tell from those lesser-known Nirvana tracks I heard, I definitely think I would prefer Sonic Youth’s early material. What’s the “Bleach” of Sonic Youth? That’s my favorite, I think.

Either way, I most certainly prefer Sonic Youth’s early t-shirts for which I have several. I have one I bought at a vintage boutique store for $80. It has holes which not only makes it look cool, but it’s also a sign that it’s old and part of their “early stuff” apparel.

And while I’ve never heard their album “Goo” I have seen a poster of it in my friend’s room and thought it was cool. Is that considered early stuff? I’m going to say it is and then go out on a limb to say I actually prefer it to their later posters.

If we want to call a spade a spade I have never in my life actually heard a Sonic Youth song. But if I did I’d just know their early stuff was better. Not, like, their first album. I’m talking their very first demo. I’m that big a dedicated fan of Sonic Youth, I presume.