SWEET HOME, Ore. — Local merch guy Adam Planville reluctantly went into work at 4 a.m. to prepare for the punk band Vegan Werewolf’s Black Friday sales event, sources who wanted to hit snooze a few more times confirmed.
“The show doesn’t start for another 15 hours and the venue’s not even open yet, but I have responsibilities as a merchandise professional,” said Planville while peeking outside to see if anyone had camped out for the deals. “I actually had to bust in one of the windows, carry in all the merchandise through broken glass, and set up in complete darkness because I couldn’t find the light switch. Breaking and entering is just sort of routine in this line of work. But hey, at least I’m getting compensated time and a half today, which means instead of the normal dozen beers they pay me, I’ll get an 18-pack. I guess there’s a silver lining in being taken advantage of.”
Members of the band stood firm in their decision to make Planville come in early.
“It’s Black Friday, fuck’s sake. We need to be prepared in case we get a rush of holiday shoppers who want to buy our demo as a stocking stuffer for their family members,” said guitarist Lenny Gravesight. “Last year we had as many as two fans burst through the door before sunrise, and we weren’t ready for that sort of volume whatsoever. This year we’re expecting way more. Maybe a whole six people. After all, this is quite possibly the biggest sales event we’ve ever run. Our fans can get 5% off their purchase of 10 or more products. Not even Best Buy is offering deals that juicy.”
Economist Tiffany Lambert revealed that no retail worker is safe on the historically polarizing shopping event.
“Employees are exploited 365 days a year, but Black Friday is typically the exploitiest,” said Lambert. “For one, retail workers are asked to come in while they’re basically still half-drunk and digesting Thanksgiving dinner. Mall Santas take quite a beating from children. And merch guys are forced to stand behind a table for over an hour while people peruse their products from a safe distance and avoid eye contact without actually buying anything. It’s inhumane, really.”
At press time, Planville wasn’t sure what the band meant when they asked him to come in early for their Cyber Monday deals.