Boyfriend Without Bedframe Admits It Because He’s Afraid of Monsters

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NORFOLK, Va. — Local boyfriend Byron Hogarth admitted that his lack of a bedframe was a conscious choice to avoid the possibility of monsters hiding under it, skeptical sources confirmed.

“It’s just an extra safety precaution. If there is no under the bed, there’s no place for a monster to be. I think it’s logical, and now that it’s out there, I have no choice but to stand by my decision. I’ve also hired a local construction company to fill my closet with concrete which will seal off any scary intruders from that angle as well,” said the 31-year-old Hogarth. “It’s scary out there. Especially now that I live on my own, and there’s no parents’ room for me to traipse into in the middle of the night if I see one. Nope, it’s time to be a big boy, and that means sleeping on a loose mattress on the floor.”

Hogarth’s girlfriend Rita Wadsworth was admittedly confused, but has chosen to take her partner’s cowardice in stride.

“At first, I just assumed it was out of sheer laziness. I’m honestly more relieved than anything to find out that it was not only a thoughtful measure, but one of protection…in a way,” said Wadsworth. “It got me thinking that I should get rid of my bedframe too. Better safe than sorry. I’ll never be with anyone with a bedframe ever again. I’m just imagining waking up to grab a glass of water and being pulled straight down into Hell all because a mattress has an eight-inch lift. I’ve learned my lesson.”

Not everyone is as enthusiastic about Hogarth’s methods, most notably his childhood monster The Boogey Man.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. I’ve been wanting to reconnect ever since he left for college. I hear he has a girlfriend now, and both the Boogey Ma’am and I would love to do a double-date night sometime,” said the iconic monster. “But I have no way of getting to him without that bedframe. The little guy was always so smart. Oh boy, when he was little he had these bunk beds, they were just beautiful. Double the chance to be under. It was a golden age for us, but what else is there for a bubble to do but burst, I guess…You wanna talk about scary? That’s scary right there.”

At bedtime, Hogarth was notified that, despite his lack of bedframe, he was still unfortunately at high risk for being gotten by monsters due to not being completely all the way under the covers.

Director Accidentally Locked in Criterion Closet for Weeks Forced to Eat Own Films

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK — Legendary auteur director Phillip Schaeffer was reportedly trapped in his Criterion closet and forced to survive on nothing but his own films for 48 hours, sources confirmed.

“Here I was making my selections for their YouTube channel, We Wrap, and with the slam of a door everyone’s gone for the weekend!” said a shaken Schaeffer. “A director gets hungry, you know, and I wasn’t about to eat anyone else’s work, especially when I believe so heartily in my own. But I’ll tell you, I was surprised at how awful some of my pictures tasted. Some movies are good with popcorn, but mine need a little cumin, maybe some rosemary to make it somewhat palatable.”

Schaeffer was found early Monday morning by custodian Jake Resnick, who was understandably horrified at the sight.

“Oh, the image is burned in my brain. I’ll never forget unlocking the closet during my morning rounds and bearing witness to him cannibalizing his own movies,” said Resnick, with a faraway look in his eye. “Chilling stuff. I’d say it would make a great movie scene, but it’s not something I’d want to revisit. There’s just something very disturbing about seeing a grown man with a face full of film strips…I’m still cleaning up the snap case shards.”

Though it isn’t recommended, survival experts say that one can survive on physical media for a prolonged amount of time.

“When stranded, you have to know what can and cannot be used as precious nutrients. In this incidence, Blu-Rays are typically very good sources of protein, especially from your big box-office draws. I keep a copy of Penny Marshall’s ‘Big’ in my satchel at all times, just to be safe,” said survivalist Husky Rhodes. “Unfortunately, the more arthouse you get, the more bitter and unpleasant the taste can be. In Mr. Schaeffer’s case, his films are very minimalist, often set in rural areas, not a lot of dialogue. So he’d have to eat just about every Criterion edition of his ‘Ranch Hand Requiem’ (1998) just to equal a single bite of ‘Dumb and Dumber.’”

At press time, an emaciated Schaeffer said he was looking forward to getting home and “binging an entire season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” although it is unclear in which way he meant it.

Rest of Goth Band Really Wishes New Guitarist Would Stop Wearing Big Floppy Gardening Hat With Sunflower on It

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Sullen members of goth-rock band Vacant Belfry are reportedly embarrassed with their new guitarist’s proclivity for perpetually donning a big floppy gardening hat with a sunflower on it, exasperated sources confirmed.

“So far, he’s absolutely ruined three attempts at photo shoots with that stupid, ridiculous hat. We’ve tried hiding it, we’ve tried making fun of him, even pleading with him to spray paint it black…nothing works,” said Vacant Belfry singer Tina Ephraim. “He just keeps rolling up to shows with that monstrosity on. Not to mention that chipper smile! If only he wasn’t so good at the guitar, we’d kick him out just for being jolly. Curse his ability to shred!”

Ted Pheasants, the hat-wearing guitarist in question, took the rest of the band’s repeated pleas to throw it away as merely gentle suggestions.

“I’ll defend this big floppy gardening hat with the sunflower on it till the day I die. Heck, I see it as a part of me, and thus, a part of my art. I wouldn’t be surprised if I get some of my guitar skills from the good vibes this hat brings me,” said Pheasants. “I get that the sunflower may not scream ‘goth’ at face value, but think about it: that flower’s dead. Long dead. I’m basically wearing a corpse up there. Nothing more goth than that, I reckon.”

The guitarist’s mother Ms. Penelope Grier-Pheasants has, perhaps surprisingly, taken the rest of the band’s side.

“I’m not saying he doesn’t look downright dear in it, but the simple fact remains: my geraniums need tending to, and I need that hat back,” said Grier-Pheasants. “He can get his own big floppy gardening hat, but that certain big floppy gardening hat—the one with the sunflower on it—has been mine all along. Maybe I’ll get him one for his birthday, or even a few so he can share with his little bandmates. That ought to brighten their day, I saw them grabbing at mine. And from the looks of those kids, they need all the brightness they can get.”

At press time, members of Vacant Belfry were further embarrassed after Pheasants showed up to practice with matching overalls he just got back from the dry cleaners, noting that the sunflower on them was even larger than the one on the gardening hat.

We Revisit Our Sexual Orientation Because Paramore Just Released a New Song

Posted on by Sara Mellas

It had been five years and five months since Paramore last graced our eardrums with new music, but on September 28th the veteran pop-punk band gifted us “This Is Why,” the first single off their upcoming sixth studio album. Our review is two words: Hubba. Hubba.

Just when we thought we knew exactly where we sat on the sexuality spectrum, Paramore had to drop a banger and look so good doing it that we’ve been forced to reevaluate what we’re into.

Hayley Williams has been a smoldering short baddie since day one according to most experts. But this 33-year-old version of Hayley? The shiny red platform boots! The CEO-ing of a successful hair dye company! The false eyelashes! The fervent advocacy for civil rights! Color us eternally seduced by this flame-maned siren. We will follow her song to the ends of the emo revival and back.

As for guitarist Taylor York, not only have his funk-influenced riffs and catchy progressions been a force in Paramore’s musical evolution, but we just want to wrap ourselves up in a strand of his perfectly coiled locks. With a five o’clock shadow that holds steadfast through all hours of the day and night, his look practically screams, “I have great manners.” We defy you to think of anything hotter.

Then there’s drummer Zac Farro, who’s always dressed like the foxiest 32-year-old grandpa you’ve ever seen. His beats are driving, his fills are furious, and his collection of hats looks very handsome on his head. We don’t even need to mention that delicate, stealth mustache, but we’ll say this: we want it to be on our faces, too.

It’s going to take us some time to calibrate all these feelings and redetermine what our sexual orientation is. Honestly, we won’t even try until after the full-length album gets released. But while we wait and figure it out, any or all members of Paramore can get it.

Man Figures He Should Get Twisted, Demonic Face Growing Out of His Back Looked At

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PARAMUS, N.J. — Local man Mike Jarbowski finally decided to seek medical treatment for the twisted, demonic face growing out his back after weeks dealing with the wretched figure, his family has reported.

“Being a plumber I’m in and out of old houses all the time, so I just chalked it up to an asbestos rash at first. I get busted up all the time on the job but that doesn’t mean I’m running to the doctor, I just put antiseptic cream on it and move on. But it was when my wife noticed there were teeth growing out of my back and it was speaking Latin that I figured I should pop into urgent care,” said Jarbowski. “Now this damn thing is cursing my family to burn in Hell all day, plus it’s the size of a watermelon and now none of my shirts fit. I’m hoping they can laser this little fucker off in outpatient surgery, I’m giving up overtime to get this thing looked at.”

While Jarbowski’s wife had been urging him to seek medical help for weeks, she now fears it may be too late to do anything.

“I’ve told him over and over not to take any non-union jobs fixing up creepy old houses. But does he listen? Of course not, and now he’s fated to be consumed by the unholy forces of the underworld. This is just like the time he came back with lice from that shut-in’s house, but at least those little fuckers weren’t trying to bite my tits off every 10 minutes,” said Stephanie Jarbowski. “At least this will make our Professor Quirell and McGonagall joint Halloween costumes much more realistic, if only that gaping maw can stop calling me a ‘stupid cunt’ constantly.”

Medical experts weighed in on the demonic prognosis, noting that trans-dimensional ailments can be serious if not treated.

“Most people don’t realize this, but not every search on the site snowballs into you potentially having cancer. There’s a small subsection near the bottom reserved for curses, hexes, and possessions. You’d be shocked how many staph infections turn into sentient demon claws,” said WebMD rep Charles Thompson. “The entity plaguing Mike is completely treatable, but needs immediate attention or at the very least switch up rubbing alcohol with holy water.”

After finally seeking treatment, Jarbowski was informed by his doctor that he would have to pay 100% out of pocket to remove the demon, as it was from a circle of Hell not covered by his HMO.

Review: Rise Against: “Nowhere Generation”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we were excited to take a look at Rise Against’s “Nowhere Generation,” which Loudwire ranked as the 42nd best rock/metal album of 2021, but we aren’t going to just take Loudwire’s fucking word for it.

Wait a minute. 42nd? How the hell long was that list? Are you fucking kidding Loudwire? Is it really a “best of the year” list if you just rank literally every fucking record that came out that year?

How about, oh we don’t know, top 10? Top 20 if you’re feeling saucy. Man, you guys must have really been trying to pad your word count on that one. Otherwise you’re getting some sort of kickbacks from the whole of, like, not even a specific industry but just the whole of music as a sort of broad concept. So which is it?

And how did Rise Against end up all the way in 42nd? Even taking into account that 2021 was a pretty lonely year, and pretty much everyone recorded their own album, it was still only one year after all. Did you assholes really dig through literally every shitty Soundcloud melodic hardcore band to write this fucking “best of” list?

What if we ranked the top 42 best meat lovers’ calzones we ate in our neighbor’s bathtub in 2021? Would that be a good list for you? Because that’s basically what you have done here with this clickbait monstrosity you call a best of.

You’re like a real music media company, Loudwire. You need to get your shit together and knock off this bush league nonsense like writing music journalism as fucking listicles. Especially if you’re doing that shitty thing where the reader has to click on every single item in the list and then a new page has to load so you get like 42 fucking page views for one garbage article, then you guys are fuckers.

In fact, just for this list we’re turning things around and giving “Nowhere Generation” our highest score ever.

SCORE: 42 out of 42 fuck yous to Loudwire

Crowd Suspicious of Doom Metal Band With Zero Bearded Members

Posted on by Chris Bowen

DETROIT — Crowd members attending a show headline by doom metal band Wretched Wizard questioned the band’s authenticity when they noticed their lack of long scraggly facial hair, several burnt out sources report.

“Once the smoke machine calmed down and we could see what the band actually looked like, I, like many, had a couple questions,” said doom metal fan Angela Green while opening her Chipotle burrito. “Like, first of all, why would a band with ‘wizard’ in the name have no members with long white beards? Also, not one person in the band was overweight, these guys looked like they jog for fun. I was under the impression that doom bands need at least one fat guy. At one point, I thought they could have been Mormons or maybe even undercover cops or something. However, I don’t think any cop or Mormon would smoke weed from a real human skull mid-set like that.”

Wretched Wizard guitarist Brian Gonzalez explained the band’s history of confusion in the doom metal scene.

“No matter what city or state we play, we always get the same funny looks and confused stares,” Gonzalez said. “Many times, people don’t just question our doom metaldom, they are just straight-up bullies to us. Comments like, ‘Oh look, it’s Babyface Sabbath!’ and ‘Get off the stage, no-weird-beard!’ One time when we played Baltimore, our bassist’s fake ZZ Top beard came off right in the middle of our set. Now we’re too embarrassed to book anything in the entire state of Maryland because of that.”

Doom metal expert George Brennan weighed in on how some doom bands have run into similar issues in the past.

“In order for a proper doom metal to remain beardless and still pull off the doom aesthetic, they need to get creative and make up for it, “Brennan said while fiddling with his cross necklace. “Back in the ‘80s, premier Swedish doom metallers Candlemass totally mastered the genre with not a single beard on their faces. Not one person was suspicious however because they made up for it by having a poofy-haired guy in a monk cloak stomping around on stage. That’s arguably more doom than having a shitty beard.”

At press time, Wretched Wizard’s singer was seen walking into a barbershop restroom with a big bag of cut hair and a tube of model glue.

Hey, Did You Listen to the 76 Hours Worth of Podcasts I Recommended Yet?

Posted on by Dave McNamara

I know you’re super busy working two jobs and getting your real estate license in your free time, so I’ll be quick. Did you get a chance to listen to the 76 hours of podcasts I recommended to you last week?

Let’s start with “Book Crusher.” It’s the one hosted by those two former CrossFit trainers who read heavy-duty novels and tell you how to talk about them at bars and parties. I learned the characters in “Gravity’s Rainbow” and “Satanic Verses” and I swear I’ve gotten laid like four times since. So what do you think about Bo and Chase’s first dozen or so episodes? You didn’t get to them? Oh. I guess there was no traffic this week, ha!

No worries! Next up we got “Ummmm, Actually…” This is the one hosted by a dude that took three semesters of Philosophy at Yale. He contradicts popular social justice movements with his own ideas and opinions. You didn’t listen to that one either?? But each episode is only ten minutes long! You can get through every episode in like two weeks, tops.

You had to have checked out “Splatter Files.” Just look at the title! It’s the internet’s best gore podcast. No plot. No investigation. Just graphic details of wounds. Come on!

Look, I know you’re crazy overworked right now. But, if I’m being honest, this feels personal. I just find it hard to believe you can’t squeeze in a measly four days of podcasting. Just put it on in the background!

Are You a Real Black Flag Fan, or Do You Just Like the T-shirt, the Music, and the Meaning Behind the Songs?

Posted on by Harry Valentine

Hey everybody, look at this poser in the Black Flag t-shirt! Real original, asswipe. Did you get it at Target, in the Goodfellow and Company section? Probably did, because Goodfellow and Co. is the Target brand for men’s clothes so yeah, I bet. Check the tag for GF&C, you fake-ass corporate faker.

Oh, it doesn’t have a tag, because you made it yourself in 1984? Whoa, okay. That explains the classic, worn-in look.

Well, big fucking deal, man. Do you think that makes you a real fan? Hardly. Being a Black Flag fan is about more than a fan-made piece of merch. Being a real fan isn’t about whatever iconography leaks out into the world to get co-opted by you normies; it’s about the hard-driving hardcore songs that defined a genre. Quick, name three Black Flag songs.

Wow, you did that REALLY quickly.

I mean, quick for a fake fan. “TV Party,” “Rise Above,” and “Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie”? You couldn’t be more obvious, probably just naming the three top songs on the Apple Music app. Not even the top three from the Spotify app, which wouldn’t be much better, but would for some reason be a little better. What about pre-Rollins? I bet you couldn’t — what’s that, “Nervous Breakdown”? Is that not Circle Jerks? No, no, you’re right.

Shit!

Whatever. Now that I think about it, anyone can musically appreciate Black Flag. That’s not what being a true fan is about. Being a true fan is loving the meaning behind the songs, and Black Flag songs are about rebellion, about fighting authority. So if you don’t wear your anarchism like a badge of honor, then you’re just a mindless foot-tapper who likes the tunes more than — damn, is that an ACAB tattoo inside of an anarchy tattoo? You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Those don’t look temporary either. Is that stick and poke?

Not like it matters. You think you’re a real fan just because you love the t-shirt, the music, and the meaning behind the songs, but it’s much more than that.

So what makes a real fan?

Seeing 100 live performances? Playing in a Black Flag cover band? Hating their most popular music? Being a moderator on r/hardcore? Making an unauthorized documentary? The answer is simple, and I’ll tell you. You just have to tell me first which of those don’t apply to you, please.

Punk Company Gives One Week of Paid Medical Leave to Employees Breaking in New Doc Martens

Posted on by Zach Hudson

OMAHA, Neb. — Punk-owned pomade company Skankin’ Slick received widespread praise for a policy giving all employees one week of paid medical leave to break in their new Doc Marten boots, sources now out $180 confirm.

“The health and wellness of our employees has always been my top priority,” said Founder and CEO Dan Green. “I was inspired to make this decision after purchasing a pair of Doc Marten Vegan 2967 Felix Chelsea Boots. I wore them on a walk to the office because my car was impounded, and for the rest of the day my feet were so torn up I had to cancel all my meetings. I took the whole week off after that. It occurred to me then–if I’m going to do this, I have to give my staff the ability to do the same.”

Long-time staff member Hillary McPatten says that the policy has not only boosted company morale, but also drastically improved turnover rate.

“It’s a pretty sweet gig. I work in packaging and I’m on my feet all day, and there’s no way I can do my job properly while wearing a fresh pair of Docs,” said McPatten while lounging on her futon. “Dan also doesn’t have a limit on how many times a year you take advantage of this policy. I’m taking all of next week off to break in my sixth pair this year.”

While Green has been looked at as a leader in workplace benefits by other punk-owned businesses, others have been critical of his policies, especially Doc Marten executive Mark Craig, who once called Green a “little bitch” on record.

“I’m really starting to get sick of this guy,” said Craig while ignoring Green’s phone calls. “He’s been trying to bill us for the time he gives his staff off for years. We’re not an insurance company. We are one of the most popular footwear companies in the world. Just put some bandaids on your heels, get a pair of socks that aren’t full of holes, and you’ll be fine.”

At press time, sources report that Green had taken the entire month off to break in the full Doc Martens Fall collection.