Vegas Bookies Set 1:1 Odds of Uncle Bringing Up Benghazi at Thanksgiving Dinner

Posted on by John Danek

LAS VEGAS — Various sportsbooks set the odds of local Uncle Ron Whitmore mentioning the 2012 Benghazi incident during a heated political rant at 1:1 for Thanksgiving 2022, confirmed multiple problem gamblers.

“Uncle Ron’s 10 for 10 years running now, but people are really starting to forget about ol’ Benghazi—it isn’t the political flashpoint it once was,” observed veteran oddsmaker Lou Kirkland, who has previously set odds for Uncle Ron sharing Q Anon memes to the family group chat. “There are few certainties in gambling, but we know that Uncle Ron is going to bring up Joe Biden eating fetuses and Bernie Sanders being a Soviet plant. But Benghazi is the topic we all have our eye, and our money, on. It might not come up!”

Lara Oliver, Uncle Ron’s liberal college student niece, is a major X factor to consider in the unfolding of events at Thanksgiving dinner.

“I’m so sick of his conspiracy theory nonsense, and I’ve taken enough poli sci classes to shut him down if he even thinks about starting up,” stated a defiant Oliver, who volunteered to phonebank for John Fetterman’s Senate campaign. “Last year he referred to it as ‘the real 9/11’ which really set me off and inspired me to train year-round. If I ever hear the syllable ‘Ben’ you better believe I’m going to start screaming. But I did end up seeing some great odds on Uncle Ron getting mad enough to throw the turkey on the front lawn, I put $100 on that and I’m going to do my best to make it happen.”

Veteran sports pundits offered their veteran perspectives on the upcoming holiday dinner.

“Thanksgiving has been politically contentious for years now, so one of the major keys to success is to focus on the defense,” said Boomer Esiason, NFL analyst and frequent stater of the obvious. “More open-minded nieces and nephews may want to test the waters by poking Uncle Ron, but I don’t know that their offense is up to snuff. The X factor here is the special teams; can Aunt Mary bring out pumpkin pie fast enough to shut down a family-ruining fight? And let’s not forget that this is the first Thanksgiving since Grandma Whitmore died from Covid. That is definitely going to cause some problems down the stretch.”

Bookies are also scrambling to set odds of the likelihood that Uncle Ron will gift everyone in the Oliver family MyPillow-brand products.

How I Learned To Avoid Politics at Thanksgiving and Dive Right Into Physical Violence

Posted on by Dave McNamara

The holidays can be hard for even the closest families. Plus, with culture war tearing us apart, it can be difficult to sit down at the table and break bread with people on the other side of the aisle. That’s why I leave the bread basket alone and just start throwing haymakers as soon as the words “George Soros” leave uncle Kyle’s fucking mouth.

It’s important to make sure you’re not at the kid’s table when the shit goes down. It’ll be harder to explain your side when the cops come. Also, make sure the elderly folk are away from the frontline too. Grandpa hasn’t been in action like this since the Tet Offensive. And speaking of offensive, don’t let your sister’s shitty husband get away with wearing another “Don’t Tread on Me” shirt with a snake holding a pair of AR15s. Tread on this uppercut, motherfucker. One punch and all he’ll be able to eat this year are mashed potatoes.

If you decide to go for any weapons, make sure that the carving knife is not your first option. You don’t want to make any permanent mistakes. This is family, after all.

I recommend a pair of tongs or even lobbing a few wads of grandma’s sweet squash casserole at your target before you go in fists-a-flying. You might also consider the pepper mill your mom only puts out for holidays. That thing has some weight to it. Both physically and sentimentally.

Remember, it’s important to demand your worldview be acknowledged, even if it means busting a few heads at the dinner table. I did it and I don’t regret a thing, even with the 6 months of physical therapy I needed after last year’s Thanksgiving. Turns out cousin Jimmy still remembers a lot of his marine combat training.

Vegan at Thanksgiving Dinner Creates PowerPoint to Explain How They Get Their Protein

Posted on by Amanda Russel

MINNEAPOLIS — Longtime vegan Julia Trask presented a full 25-slide PowerPoint explaining how she gets her daily protein to attendees at her family Thanksgiving dinner this year, confirmed skeptical sources.

“Every fucking year I have to put up with all this fake concern about how I get my protein, and I know nobody actually gives a fuck,” explained a beleaguered Trask. “So this year everyone is going to sit through a 45-minute presentation with lots of sounds and animation about how nutrition works and how my eating habits are perfectly healthy. There are photos, flowcharts, and I’m going to really hammer this into their heads so nobody gives me any more shit from now on and I can just refer back to my presentation if anybody tries to.”

Trask’s mother, Lisa, says she is dubious about her daughter’s protein intake, but will reluctantly hear her daughter out.

“She’s been doing this dingdang nonsense for ten years now and I worry that she’s going to waste away into nothing if she doesn’t start eating real food,” said the elder Trask, who has been trying to get her daughter to just eat a little turkey at Thanksgiving for years now. “I don’t think she knows what she’s doing. Everybody knows meat is a hearty, healthy way to help build muscle. Meat, meat, and more meat, and then maybe some cheese and eggs. But I will admit, I’m a sucker for a solid, organized PowerPoint, so I guess I’ll watch Julia’s little presentation.”

Dr. Mortimer Grunch, an expert nutritionist, later watched the PowerPoint and shared his insight on its accuracy.

“Technically, she’s correct,” said Grunch begrudgingly, “But her mother is right, the easiest way to get enough protein is still gonna be meat. I mean, who wants to spend days soaking lentils and beans and then hours cooking them? Or sprouting your own tofu, or making your own tempeh? Or if we’re being honest, spending more than twenty minutes tops on a home-cooked meal that isn’t flavored by only meat? Plus, meat just tastes so much better than a bunch of bean sprouts.”

Grandpa Steve Trask, who was silent for the entirety of the presentation, surprised the entire family by standing up with tears in his eyes and declaring himself newly reborn as a proud vegan.

Why I’m Skipping Thanksgiving This Year To Be With My Olive Garden Family

Posted on by Vince Ratti

The holidays can be tough especially for people who can’t be with their loved ones because of some temporary circumstance. But then there are those of us whose family get-togethers are just way too much to deal with and push the limits of our bullshit tolerance.

Well I’ve made a mental health decision this year, and there’s one other place where, when I’m there, I’m family. Here’s a breakdown of why I’m passing on our annual family dinner to be with the people I love most, the staff of my local Olive Garden.

The drinking:
We all know what it’s like when your family starts getting sauced. Things get said, feelings get hurt, and fights break out. Last year I was cut off from the booze just because I passed out and threw up on the coat pile. My real family was pretty rude about it. Not like my waitress, Tiffany, who politely lets me know she can’t give me any more free wine samples (even if I’m still not sure which one will pair best with my bottomless minestrone) before winking and pouring me one more tiny Chianti. Salute, Tiffany.

The conversation:
Both will have small talk, but only one will be endless and painful. The people who share your blood will punish you with questions like “How’s your ex doing? We really liked them.” The toughest question I’m going to field at Olive Garden is “Wow, did you finish that whole basket of breadsticks all by yourself?” Yes, I did. Keep them coming, please.

The food:
My aunt must practice some dark magic to get her turkey to be as dry as the dust we’ll all one day become. There is no gravy in the world that can save it. Do I really want my dinner prepared by someone who stirs the food, lets the cat lick the spoon, then continues stirring? Or do I want the Tour of Mother-Fucking Italy? Honestly, there’s probably heinous shit going on in both kitchens but I’ll gladly take the one that’s at least worth the digestive fallout.

The crying:
When it’s time to cry, where would you rather be? Locked sobbing in the only bathroom in the entire house while your dickhead cousin pounds on the door? Or having your breakdown in a spacious handicapped stall as a concerned restaurant manager tries to calm you and tactfully assess if the police need to be called? It’s not even close.

Unlike my real family, my Olive Garden family doesn’t care that I’m not as successful as my brother and sister and when I return to my table I might even find they’ve left a few extra chocolate mints with my bill. Grazie.

Noise Musician Preparing to Spend Seventh Consecutive Thanksgiving Lying About Being a Jazz Musician

Posted on by Peter Woods

TOLEDO, Ohio. – Local noise musician Gary Wilkerson spent the past week researching music history and terminology in order to convince his immediate family that he is a jazz artist as opposed to a noise one during Thanksgiving dinner, sources close to Wilkerson report.

“It all started when my uncle Ron suddenly remembered that I played guitar in high school and asked if I still played music,” said Wilkerson. “I knew that trying to explain noise as a genre would have taken hours, because it’s so much more than just a genre after all. And I didn’t want to convince this dude who thinks REO Speedwagon is the epitome of Western culture that putting a bag over my head and blasting a distorted recording of a French dude vomiting has artistic merit. So I lied and just said I play jazz now. But now Uncle Ron keeps calling me ‘cool cat’ and asks me how those ‘hip jazz gigs’ are going every year. Continuing to lie about that is so demoralizing.”

While keeping the truth hidden may prove difficult, Wilkerson’s family continues to believe his story.

“We’re all just so glad that Gary finally stopped playing that screamy metal music and started playing something we can be proud of,” said Kim Wilkerson, his mother. “I like jazz! I don’t listen to it a lot, but there’s that one saxophone guy I really like. What’s his name? Oh yeah, Kenny G. He’s wonderful. I hope Gary sounds like that! I’m going to try to get one of Gary’s CDs so I can have my dentist play it next time I get a cleaning.”

Despite the family’s appreciation of the cover story, others in the local scene have expressed a sense of betrayal.

“Gary is totally abandoning a community that has always had his back by doing this,” said Nellie Dennis, a local noise act who plays under the stage name Repaired Vagina Quartet. “And for what? So he can have a comfortable conversation with his Dad? I would never turn my back on the scene like that. And if my mom ever forgives me for ‘the incident’ and finally invites me back for Thanksgiving, I’ll prove it.”

At press time, Wilkerson repeatedly asserted that lying to his family in no way equates to him abandoning his roots as a noise musician by dropping heat resistant microphone along with the turkey into a deep fryer.

Brewery Full of Bearded 34-Year-Olds Turn Around as Woman Shouts “Hey Matt!”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SOUTH DEERFIELD, Mass. — Local woman Kelly Flowers nearly caused a riot on Saturday night as she accidentally signaled the attention of almost an entire brewery of bearded guys named Matt, non-Matt sources confirmed.

“I’d never been before, so I was having a hard time finding my friend. After wandering for a while, I thought I spotted him so I called his name. I had no idea what I was triggering,” shuddered Flowers. “As ‘Hey Matt!’ left my lips, I saw a sea of similar-looking men stand and turn. A wave of confusion washed over the room as they stared at me, wondering what I could want. It was mayhem. It took hours for the crowd to settle.”

Matt Brantley, a local software engineer, was sitting quietly at the bar when the scene occurred.

“I was peacefully sipping a New England-style IPA when suddenly I heard this woman shouting my name. As I turned, I could feel a pack of bodies move with me,” said Brantley as he mimicked the motion. “I didn’t understand what was happening at first, but as I scanned the crowd, the same repeated, confused look told the story. It was like looking into a hundred mirrors. The same Carhartt beanie colliding over and over, spilling gallons of ale on full beards. It was a chaotic nightmare.”

Jason Howell, a sociologist and naming expert who runs the popular BabyNamePlaybook.com, is tracking this phenomenon.

“It is common for names to go in and out of fashion, but something about the spike of Matthews in the late ‘80s was different. Whether it’s the nature of being called Matt, or the way we treat Matts, this isn’t just a popular name. This group seems to have coalesced around a set of norms and behaviors,” said Howell. “This brewery story isn’t one of a kind. All around the country, you can spot hordes of Matt, all with the same interests, following the same career paths, and even conforming to the same grooming habits. Look closely next time you’re at an artisanal food truck or axe-throwing bar. You’ll see them everywhere. Just be sure not to draw their attention by calling their name or speaking too loudly about ‘Breaking Bad.'”

At press time, the throng of Matts was seen heading to a new barcade across the street that charges $1 to play five minutes on an Atari emulator in a wooden cabinet.

5 Creative Thanksgiving Dishes to Make for the Eerie Porcelain Dolls You Call Your Family

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Traditional boring Thanksgiving dinners are fine for some families, who don’t care about celebrating our nation’s history with a little flair. Turkey with those little bows? Dull. Ambrosia salad? Disgusting! Bread up the ass of a bird? Pervert!

But it doesn’t have to be that way! If you really want to impress the collection of eerie, smiling porcelain dolls who live in the attic and that you call your family, try these delicious, easy recipes!

1. Sweet Meringue Yams

Sweet potatoes baked with marshmallows are as American as apple pie and holding Mother, the porcelain doll with the sinister expression and starched lace collar, while you stare into a mirror through the night. Try bumping it up a notch by baking a rich, sweet meringue onto Hasselbeck yams!

2. Wild Rice and Cranberry Salad

Thanksgiving food doesn’t have to be heavy, sugar-filled, and delicious! This healthy side dish of three different wild rice varieties tossed in a light cranberry vinaigrette is perfect to keep your waistline trim and unchanging, just as the cool, pale bodies of the only family you can ever truly love will never change.

Ever.

3. A Single Piece of Ceramic to Lie Cool and Still On Your Tongue

Not every Thanksgiving dish has to be a riff on an old classic! Instead, you can simply place a ceramic disk on your tongue and sit silently amongst your brothers and sisters, finally feeling like you are one of them. You are still. You are silent. The ceramic in your mouth is delicious.

4. Around the World Wheel of Cheese

Cheeseball? Get the fuck out of here! You can forget the artificial smoke taste of those globes of yellow-ass cheddar because you’ll have a real globe… of cheese! Simply use your atlas as a cheeseboard and place a chunk of cheese on the appropriate country and whisper the names of your sweet and perfect family to yourself. They will always love you and the terrible things you have done in their name.

5. Bloody Meat

Does anybody actually like roast turkey? Not when there is a pile of fresh, bloody meat still quivering from the kill, while your porcelain family slowly stand from their dollhouse chairs and move with the terrible sound of grinding ceramic to feast!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Review: Pierce the Veil “The Jaws of Life”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we took a look at Pierce the Veil’s brand new album “The Jaws of Life,” and look back on the memory of our late editor, Toby, who died in the wreckage of an eighty-Zamboni-pileup at the “Hardcore Hockey ‘13” expo, at which the actual jaws of life were also present.

First a little background. Pierce the Veil started back in 2006 and quickly developed a knack for crafting infectious, emo-tinged post-hardcore ballads. “Hardcore Hockey ‘13” was a mash-up beatdown hardcore / penal hockey bloodbath held in an old, weird gym in Paramus, New Jersey, in 2012. Our editor, Toby, was first in line for tickets.

Way back in 2018 Pierce the Veil announced that they’d begun working on “The Jaws of Life.” Also in 2018, we were still making weekly trips to the coroner’s office to identify chips of bone that were still being pulled out of that Zamboni massacre with regularity and volume.

“The Jaws of Life” is a major step forward musically for Pierce the Veil after a long hiatus and much perspective gained. The actual jaws of life also proved to be a major step forward for the fire department in using them to free the three surviving Paramus Institute For the Violently Insane convicts from the wreckage of the mass Zamboni demolition derby.

Ironically, those three were the exact three who initiated the crash in the first place.

When we think about Pierce the Veil, it reminds us of being back in high school and experiencing the joys of screamo for the very first time. When we think about Toby, we wish he hadn’t lied about having insurance so we could stop selling office furniture just to keep the site running.

So overall, “The Jaws of Life,” pretty good. Also, the actual jaws of life are fucking invaluable – otherwise they never would have been able to recover what was left of Toby’s face from that tangle of auger conveyors.

Score: 7 out of 10 criminally insane hardcore Zamboni operators

/**/

B.C. Rich Issues Apology After Making Guitar-Shaped Guitar

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

ORLANDO, Fla. — Guitar manufacturer B.C. Rich was forced to issue an apology after debuting a totally normal-looking guitar that outraged their dedicated customers, confirmed multiple upset men in denim vests.

“To our customers and fans of rad-looking guitars around the world, we are deeply deeply sorry,” said CEO William Xavier. “The failure to add random pointy spikes to this guitar fills us with great shame. I want to personally apologize for the guitar’s lack of spider webs, lightning bolts, or tribal designs. We are recalling each unit and they will be destroyed and burned to ash so none of the pieces can be used again. We promise the next model we release will be so sharp you could cut a raw steak with it.”

Xavier’s comments came after a video of the new guitar, dubbed “The Standard” being released at this year’s NAMM conference went viral.

“As soon as I saw that completely normal hunk of crap my heart sank,” said longtime customer Sam Malinowski, guitarist of glam rock band Viscous Licks. “I threw my beer and started booing when I saw there wasn’t a single skull fretboard inlay or aggressive spur. I felt so betrayed. I’d rather cut my own fingers off than play a solo on that boring, uninspired design. And what’s up with this weird little pickup that looks like half of a regular pickup? Whoever came up with this clearly knows nothing about real music.”

The release comes during a difficult time for the music industry with many of the major brands being forced to apologize for new designs that insulted their fan base, such as Gibson’s infamous “Les Paul for Less than $12,000” or Line6’s new “Reasonable” amp setting.

“I can’t say I’m surprised by the reaction,” said UCLA Musicology Professor Shannon Hall, author of “It’s Like My Dick is Really Loud: Patriarchy, Iran/Contra, and the Rise of Hair Metal Guitar.” “For generations, American men have associated weird pointy guitars with virility and edgy style. But as the guitar has lost it’s stranglehold on the imaginations of young American men, the instrument has been taken over by emasculated and threatening forces like indie or even jazz. For those looking for a balls-to-the-fucking-wall image and sound below $400 bucks, B.C. Rich was one of the last safe heavens.”

B.C. Rich hopes to win back customers with their latest design the “Midnight Werewolf Exotic Deluxe,” which will feature absolutely zero symmetry, 15 strings, and a neon purple Floyd Rose Tremolo System and will be released directly to pawn shops this Christmas season.

Your High School Sweetheart Viewed Your LinkedIn Profile – Here Are 57 Things That Could Possibly Mean

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

So you got a notification that someone looked at your LinkedIn profile. That’s weird since you hardly use the site. However, it wasn’t a potential employer or a headhunter. It was your first love, your prom date, and the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with when you were seventeen. You haven’t spoken or even friended one another on other social media. What could their reasoning possibly be for looking at your resume?! Here are 57 possibilities for you to dwell on instead of sleeping tonight.

1. It was an accident.
2. Their marriage is on the rocks.
3. They are pining for better times.
4. Absolutely nothing.
5. They plan to apply to the company you work at.
6. It is actually their spouse snooping.
7. They desperately want you back.
8. They are looking at the life they could have had.
9. They are correctly assuming they dodged a bullet.
10. Gathering information for an upcoming reunion.
11. They are messing with your head… again.
12. Friend/family member needs a rebound fling.
13. Seeing how much you have aged.
14. Checking to see if that paralegal degree paid off.
15. They are dying.
16. Seeing if they can sell you a timeshare.
17. Trying to suss out if you are in a relationship.
18. Trying to suss out if you are in a relationship with Jesus Christ.
19. Newly single.
20. Seven year itch.
21. In need of a job reference.
22. Their identity was stolen.
23. Going to steal your identity.
24. Needs bail money for current partner.
25. Wondering if you still have their DVD of Empire Records.
26. Cat got on their keyboard.
27. Going to tell you their mom died, she always liked you.
28. Needs help with a computer issue.
29. Bored on the toilet.
30. Meant to click on another person with similar name.
31. Wants you back.
32. Thought they blocked you years ago.
33. Wondering if you got your act together.
34. Drunk and thinks they are on Facebook.
35. Trying to connect with your more successful friends.
36. Wondering why you looked at their profile first.
37. Is polyamorous now.
38. Stuck in an escape room and needs your esoteric knowledge of shortwave radio signals.
39. Laughing at what a mistake they made while at a party and all of their friends are laughing at you too.
40. Phone was stolen.
41. Is in a ‘Taken’ scenario: you are the only one they are able to contact and they desperately need your help before they are disappeared.
42. Needs your matching blood type for an urgent transfusion.
43. Writing their memoirs.
44. Has amnesia and is trying to trigger their memory.
45. Planning on moving to Portland and is checking to make sure you don’t live there.
46. Seeing if you still work at Outback Steakhouse.
47. Is infested with an alien virus and is seeking a new host body.
48. Needs a date to their cousin’s wedding.
49. Is on Step 8 of the 12-Step Program.
50. Just hoping to find someone whose life is even worse than theirs.
51. Looking to make their new partner jealous.
52. Thought of you while watching Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story.
53. Their friend did it as a gag.
54. Seasonal affective disorder.
55. Needed an updated photograph of you for the police.
56. Thumb slipped.
57. Its fate.

Ultimately though, no matter the reason, this is going to be your obsession for the next few weeks.

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