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How I Learned To Avoid Politics at Thanksgiving and Dive Right Into Physical Violence

The holidays can be hard for even the closest families. Plus, with culture war tearing us apart, it can be difficult to sit down at the table and break bread with people on the other side of the aisle. That’s why I leave the bread basket alone and just start throwing haymakers as soon as the words “George Soros” leave uncle Kyle’s fucking mouth.

It’s important to make sure you’re not at the kid’s table when the shit goes down. It’ll be harder to explain your side when the cops come. Also, make sure the elderly folk are away from the frontline too. Grandpa hasn’t been in action like this since the Tet Offensive. And speaking of offensive, don’t let your sister’s shitty husband get away with wearing another “Don’t Tread on Me” shirt with a snake holding a pair of AR15s. Tread on this uppercut, motherfucker. One punch and all he’ll be able to eat this year are mashed potatoes.

If you decide to go for any weapons, make sure that the carving knife is not your first option. You don’t want to make any permanent mistakes. This is family, after all.

I recommend a pair of tongs or even lobbing a few wads of grandma’s sweet squash casserole at your target before you go in fists-a-flying. You might also consider the pepper mill your mom only puts out for holidays. That thing has some weight to it. Both physically and sentimentally.

Remember, it’s important to demand your worldview be acknowledged, even if it means busting a few heads at the dinner table. I did it and I don’t regret a thing, even with the 6 months of physical therapy I needed after last year’s Thanksgiving. Turns out cousin Jimmy still remembers a lot of his marine combat training.