Cop Brags That Rage Against The Machine Did Entire Song About Him and His Friends

Posted on by Tony Morse

LOS ANGELES — Veteran Los Angeles Police Officer Sergeant David Lancaster came forward as the inspiration for Rage Against the Machine’s 1992 hit, “Killing in the Name,” utterly unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I was at the bar and got stuck listening to some broad talk about how she wished Taylor Swift would do a song about her, so I thought I might be able to impress her with my little secret,” boasted Sergeant Lancaster. “A while back my Lieutenant had me handle security at a Klan rally in case any commies showed up to complain. He thought I’d be good since I knew all the guys throwing the event from around the precinct. Just as I was about to kick off the ceremonial cross burning some kid started yelling at me about being a racist, I grabbed my baton and started swinging. Well, it turns out that kid was the punk-ass singer of Rage Against the Machine and the rest is history.”

Rage Against the Machine continues to reach new fans decades after their formation, some of whom hope to inspire the band as well.

“Had I not discovered ‘Evil Empire,’ I never would’ve become a venture capitalist,” remarked Silicon Valley finance bro Tad Halverson. I was struggling to find purpose until I heard ‘Down Rodeo.’ I mean, ‘fuck the g-ride, I want the machines that are making them’ are lyrics that really slap, you know? And shit, that other song that goes, ‘I’ll jail and bury those committed and smother the rest in greed,’ makes clear that Zach and the guys really understand a courageous entrepreneur’s spirit. Speaking of, I’m pitching Elon on an idea that I really hope gets mentioned on the next Rage album. It’s that good!”

Band members seemed glad their music remained part of social discourse but struggled to understand how some fans were connecting with it.

“I guess we need to stop being so ambiguous with our image and message,” said guitarist Tom Morello. “Zach actually wanted to call the band ‘Cops and Capitalism Will Fucking Kill Us,’ but the rest of us said we didn’t need to overstate the obvious, but I’m starting to regret that. Only a small handful of people seem to actually understand the messages behind the lyrics, most just blast the songs in their Jeep while driving drunk.”

Sergeant Lancaster spent the next few hours at the bar explaining the differences between the Nazi and KKK salutes.

New Simpsons Prediction? Hans Moleman Just Looked Directly into Camera and Said “May 12, 2024” Before Taking His Own Life

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Ay Caramba! Did “The Simpsons” again predict the future? One eagle-eyed viewer believes he spotted a truly unnerving and possibly earth-shattering new prediction in a recent episode, featuring everyone’s favorite bespectacled geriatric Hans Moleman.

“There’s a running joke of Hans Moleman getting killed, so I didn’t think anything of it when he placed a noose around his neck,” explained fan Todd Early. “But then he looked right down the barrel of the camera and whispered ‘May 12, 2024’ before kicking the stool out from underneath his feet. Moleman just hung there struggling to breathe until his body went limp and a small stream of urine trickled down his pant leg. Then they cut to commercial. After that, the show just went back to Homer working as a data analyst or whatever the hell the B story was that week.”

While some believe these so-called predictions are simply the result of the show’s longevity, others, like AV Club writer Susan Morehouse, believe the May 12th date points to some kind of global catastrophe.

“Have you seen that movie ‘The Number 23’? Yeah, me neither. However, based on the IMDB synopsis, I believe that is what’s happening to me with ‘May 12th,’” said Morehouse. “I’ve spent dozens of hours examining any historical reference to the date hoping for some kind of clue as to what it may mean. Will a typhoon hit the coast of Australia? The death of Jimmy Carter? The day Matt Groening finally says ‘enough’s enough’ and stops churning out crappy ‘Simpson’s’ merchandise? I must know the truth.”

When reached for comment, “The Simpsons” showrunner Matt Selman claimed they have no insight into the meaning behind the Moleman scene.

“Even the most hardcore fans are unaware that from the beginning of the show we’ve had a shaman, voodoo high priest, or some kind of clairvoyant join the writer’s staff. The first of whom was John Swartzwelder,” said showrunner Matt Selman. “The whole idea was Sam Simon’s. Apparently, he was running a 102-degree fever in 1989 and received a vision from, as he puts it, ‘God, a demon, or an alien being of pure light.’”

Looks like we’ll just have to wait to find out whether the ominous date means the birth of a new world order, a nuclear holocaust, or maybe just like a new piece of consumer technology.

Update: Industry insiders are claiming that “Family Guy” is now currently writing their own crude version of the “May 12th” moment that is painfully unfunny and goes on way too long.

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Back in My Day, Liking Things Was Weird and Now I Can’t Find Any Happiness in My Adult Life

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

One day you’re a kid riding your bike to the park and the next you’re an adult on your knees pleading with God to show you a reason worth living for. Aging happens to all of us. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found I cannot find a single ounce of joy in any aspect of my life. Upon reflection, and with the wisdom of age, I realized this is all because liking things would have gotten me bullied when I was younger.

I remember the first time I expressed interest in something. I was in preschool and I told everyone my favorite color was blue. I was viciously ridiculed until nap time. And again at snack when my teacher gave me all blue M&Ms.

Then, when I finally was old enough to go to shows, I remember being so excited to see my favorite band perform live. I wore the band’s merch and made a sign and everything. I was still naive though, thinking there was still some jubilation in the world I could cling to with all my might. It was crushed a second later when the bouncer took my sign and threw it like a frisbee. Then he told me to go inside and said he’d beat my ass if I tried enjoying myself.

That was the last time I let myself like something. Now I’m old and depressed. This new generation of kids has it so easy now, with their conscious understanding of mental health issues and supportive peers who encourage others to find happiness in their lives. They don’t have some kid in your ear calling you names like “Chronic Poop” because you said you kinda liked that one song from Sonic Youth.

James Corden Halts Carpool Karaoke Episode to Berate Staff at Drive-Thru

Posted on by Chris Jones

LOS ANGELES — English comedian and late-night talk show host James Corden reportedly ruined a Carpool Karaoke episode by having a temper tantrum during a skit at a drive-thru, confirmed sources who don’t get paid enough to deal with this type of shit.

“I was having a typical day working the McDonald’s drive-thru when Corden rolled up and ordered in song like one of those annoying TikTok videos,” explained nineteen-year-old employee Chase Kawecki. “He shouted, ‘Filet-O-Fish? Oh how delish! Make my fries crisp and nice — or prepare to pay the price!’ So I just entered what I thought he meant, which apparently was wrong because he flipped the fuck out screaming that I’m useless. I guess he wanted a cheeseburger, but he threatened to have my entire family beaten and put in jail. He can fuck off.”

The episode’s guest, nice guy of music comedy Weird Al, reportedly tried to play off Corden’s behavior as a joke.

“One minute we’re singing ‘Amish Paradise’ to pay respects to the late Coolio and the next he’s threatening to murder a teenager,” remarked Weird Al. “I tried my best to transition into an on-the-spot performance of my song ‘Trapped In the Drive-Thru’ to relieve the tension, but James wasn’t having any of it. He told me to shut the fuck up and made fun of my hair, I swear he was about to pull a knife on me. I hope James gets the help he needs to manage his anger, but honestly, he hurt me. I know I’m a goofy dude and all, but I have feelings too, ya know?”

Changing from his previous approach of apologizing for public meltdowns, Corden doubled down on defending his treatment of service workers.

“These lowlifes are getting paid nearly $20 an hour to bitch about flipping burgers. Their jobs are so easy, yet they still have the nerve to get surprised when I get upset that they can’t follow simple fucking directions,” fumed Corden. “And that street rat hasn’t heard the last of me. I’ll have you know I’m an appointed Officer of the Order of the British Empire, so I’ll be taking my complaints all the way up to Mr. Ronald McDonald himself until these peasants learn to treat me with respect.”

As of press time, James Corden is reportedly selling his California mansion to move back to the United Kingdom where his nobility is more recognized.

Aging Punk Still Trying to Get Entire Office to Call Them Snot

Posted on by Kevin Tit

GALLATIN, Tenn. — Aging Punk and Volunteer Insurance Co. shift supervisor, Braden Niles, entered his fourteenth year of trying to get the entire office to call him Snot, multiple employees confirm.

“I’m just trying to make it clear to everyone that I’m more than just my job,” Niles explained while spiking his hair in the bathroom mirror. “I’m a punk rocker first and foremost. This tie is just the noose I wear to pay the bills. People would realize that if they got to know Snot. Braden might rat on you for clocking in late or taking an extra long lunch break but Snot would never. Snot doesn’t give a fuck about the rules! Why is that so hard for people to understand?”

While few in the office adhere to the request an overwhelming majority have been vocal about their refusal to entertain it.

“Braden is always so desperate for attention and we’re all fucking sick of it,” said Senior Claims Adjuster Benjamin Farley. “I remember the first time I asked why he wanted us to call him Snot. Without hesitation he says ‘check it out!’ and does this yo-yo snot rocket that went all the way to the floor and right back up into his nose. Pretty sure a piece of food on the floor came back up with it and he just snorted it down. I puked all over the break room and somehow I was the one that ended up getting in trouble for it!”

Despite the many complaints filed by employees, the company’s H.R. department defended Niles on multiple accounts.

“We respect Snot’s request to be identified by that name as it is their right,” explains H.R.Team Leader, Tamara Cunningham. “However, some of their behavior has crossed the line. We can’t have people spraying bodily fluids around the workplace because then we’re dealing with a health hazard. We also had to speak with Snot about blasting his bands music in the lobby every time they record a new demo.”

At press time, Niles was seen spray painting “Snot Or Die” on the wall in the employee bathroom.

Turn Your Run-of-The-Mill Everyday Punk Band Into Horror Rock With These 5 Simple “Woahs”

Posted on by Chris Bowen

The woah is the very essence of horror rock. Some say it was first used by the king of horror rock Glen Danzig to invoke the sounds of a lonely specter haunting the halls of a long-forgotten gothic castle. Others say it was first used by Danzig simply because he couldn’t think of lyrics to parts of his songs. Either way, it’s spooky season, and with these very simple woahs, your generic-ass punk band will be a horror novelty act in no time.

Every punk musician knows that punk rock is all about “3 chords and a pissed-off attitude.” But this is horror rock, and “3 chords and some woahs” is the name of this ghoulish game. So swap that smug punk look off your face for a half-dead looking, black eyeliner stare and you’re on your way to capturing the perfect creepy aesthetic that would make even Grandpa Munster proud.

Punk is all about the passion behind the intensity of the music, as well as the lyrics to the songs. Bands like Dead Kennedys and Conflict come to mind. Horror rock, in a sense, is no different. Think of it as intensely played Freddie Cannon-sounding songs with passionately EC Comics-inspired lyrics. A horror rock band’s well-placed woahs can get you to think just as much as any Subhumans song.

Your songs are short. Two minutes tops. This is the perfect amount of time to cram in as many Vampira or Zacherle references into your horror rock band’s lyrics as you can. Really, even beyond the punk genre, the classic woah can turn any song into a kick-ass, frighteningly catchy horror-punk song. For example, throw in a lyric about some highschool sweetheart being bitten by a vampire, add woahs to the “doo do doo” parts, and that shitty “Semi-Charmed Kinda Life” song would be a spooktacular horror classic.

If you want to separate yourself from the pack and run with the ghouligans, you’re going to want to count your songs in with a good “woah, woah, woah, woah!” before firing on all cylinders. Sure, it might sound like you’re telling movers to be gentle with your prized Boris Karloff “Frankenstein” replica bust, but the boils and ghouls in the crowd will be chomping at the bit to get their own woah on once the music hits.

Last but not least, what every horror rock band needs are good, effective stage banter. Most punk bands ask the crowd, “How the fuck is everyone doing tonight?!” If you want to scary-it-up a bit, ask them, “Hello kiddies!! Is everyone having a rotten time?! Ahh hehehehehhehe!!” In your best Crypt Keeper voice. Or just simply yell, “woooooooaahhhhhhhhhhh!?!?!?!” at them and you’ll have them all in the palm of your cold, clammy hands.

One thing about the woah is certain, and that’s the fact that woahs in horror punk can never be overdone. In fact, you don’t even need catchy choruses or a rhyme scheme. Your entire album could just be woahs. Everything from the title, to the songs, to the lyrics to even the music itself. The key to a successful horror rock outfit is basically to “go with the woah.”

Construction Workers Thrilled When Local Dad Asks Them What They’re Building

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

UPLAND, Calif. — A team of construction workers was surprised and overjoyed when a local dad took interest in what they were building and proceeded to trap them in semi-hostage conversation for nearly an hour, sweaty sources confirmed.

“I couldn’t help but break out into a huge smile when Steve flagged us down,” Marty Gibbs, one of the workers on the site, said while still beaming. “What a great guy! He was so interested in the details of building a mixed-use property, and he had some great suggestions for how we could work more efficiently. He even cracked a few jokes, one of them was something about like, having time to clean and time to lean. You had to be there. Needless to say, I was more than happy to stop the work I was in the middle of and tell him about the project for 45 minutes.”

Bridget Feldman, Steve’s adult daughter, was with her dad and witnessed the whole event.

“It was a sight to behold,” she said. “The first guy called over another guy, and he called over another. Each worker was more excited than the last to tell my dad the specifics of this building or whatever, and the estimated date of completion. They completely forgot I was even there. Then my dad invited them to dinner at his house and they all cheered, took their construction hats off and left together. I had to call an Uber to get home.”

According to sociologist Samantha Moreno, this phenomenon is more common than people realize.

“This is what we call ‘folie à dad’ or ‘dad madness,’” said Moreno while shaking her head solemnly. “It’s a kind of shared agitation that sometimes occurs between fathers and the people they’re trying to corner in a given social situation. The recipient of the attention feels happy or special while being tirelessly interrogated. To many of us, this is unfathomable, but dads are operating on a level of weirdness that is not fully understood by science yet.”

At press time, Feldman was 90 minutes into telling a barista about how he used to work at a coffee shop and knows “a thing or two” about making espresso.

Review: Motörhead “Overkill”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Every Sunday we pick a classic album from our giant record collection and give it an honest review. This week we take a look at Motörhead’s second studio album “Overkill.”

When my editor posted the choices for reviews this week, I had to immediately jump at the chance to revisit “Overkill,” widely considered to be what cemented their place in metal history. And also because the title track has haunted me in my dreams, literally, since its release in 1979.

I am not exaggerating here. I woke up in a cold sweat from a dead, dreamless sleep at exactly 6:06 am on March 24th, 1979, with “Overkill” rattling around my skull at a truly ear-splitting volume. But Colleen, you may say, isn’t that the day that the album came out? Yes. Yes it is. How could I have possibly known how the song would sound without having heard it? I have no fucking idea. But god, what I wouldn’t give to forget that opening drum riff.

It is relentless. Every waking minute of every waking day. And look, I like Motörhead as much as the next old guy, but couldn’t my eternal curse have been something a little more palatable? It’s a good song, don’t get me wrong. But Jesus fucking Christ, dude, Lemmy’s voice gets old after a full album, not to mention 43 years of round-the-clock torment.

I would give literally anything to escape this. I’ve tried it all, too; Western medicine, Eastern medicine, listening to other music, getting a lobotomy. Well, I tried a lobotomy, but they drilled through the part of my brain that houses feelings of love, joy, and acceptance instead of the part that understands music. That was kind of a bummer. But I’m not done searching for a solution yet!

I actually am considering seeing an occult practitioner I found on the internet to cleanse my spirit. She said that for a down payment of $1299.99 she’d be able to fully banish whatever evil entity has attached itself to my aura in the form of early thrash, and that after a few sessions, my hearing might come back, too!

Did I mention I voluntarily deafened myself using a highly unregulated and very illegal surgery sometime around 1998? Obviously, this didn’t work. Bonus, though, I’ve never had to hear a single Taylor Swift song in my entire life.

Anyway, I’m off to go empty my bank account. This healer in Panama needs funds upfront to get her chakras aligned.

SCORE: 77/77 failed cures

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Man’s Financial Nest Egg Almost to Point of Filling Cupholder in Car’s Center Console

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SCRANTON, Pa. — Local penny pincher Richard Olmsted is on the up-and-up after noticing the cupholder in his Honda Civic that holds his financial savings is nearly full, several sources report.

“It’s pretty amazing that it only took me a few years to get this much saved up,” Olmsted said excitedly. “It’s even crazier considering how often I need to dip into it for some quarters to do laundry or for shopping carts at Aldi. I’m just so thankful for my days as a waiter when all the elderly folks would tip me in stacks of dimes and the occasional quarter. I really loved when they would do that, and even more so now that I almost maxed out my center console savings account!”

Olmsted’s roommate Justin Whitehead appeared to be a little jealous of his friend’s ability to maintain responsibility.

“I mean, I’m super proud of Rich,” Whitehead explained. “It’s really cool to see a friend own a car, let alone a car that doubles as a rolling piggy bank. It must be nice to not have to lug a 40-pound bucket of change to Coinstar every week just to make ends meet. I could save my quarters if I really wanted to, but I have a crippling arcade game addiction that prevents me from saving much of anything.”

Professional financial advisor Tameka Jones noted that younger generations typically have a hard time saving for their future.

“It’s no secret that things have been difficult since the pandemic,” Jones explained through a massive pile of papers on her desk. “With the recent coin shortages and massive income inequality, it’s been difficult for young people to save any money at all. Mr. Olmsted is very fortunate to maintain a cupholder’s worth of change for a nest egg, considering the average millennial can’t even fill an ashtray or empty cigarette box. Everyone should have at least a sock full of quarters saved up by the time they are 30, and unfortunately that’s not feasible for most millennials.”

At the time of press, Olmsted revealed his intentions to further invest in his future by starting a retirement account in the floor of his car’s backseat.

Oh, You’re Wearing a Carhartt Beanie? Name 3 Local Trade Unions

Posted on by Justin Kohn

Hey, there! That’s a pretty darn clean work hat you got on there. Nice to see some young fellas still getting into the trades. Where ya starting at? Electricians Local 98? That’s one of the strongest in the country, you know. No? Oh right, of course! I should know a fellow steamfitter when I see one. How’re the boys down at Local 316 doing?

Now hold your horses, are you even union? Don’t go telling me you’re some scab that the fancy developers hired. I’ll call the crew and get Scabby the Rat sitting outside your job site in no time. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll start naming unions.

Wait a minute. Are you one of those frauds who steal blue collar valor? I bet you got that beanie at a flea market. If not, you better start naming local trade unions. You can’t just put on some Carhartt if you’re not gonna get down and dirty doing some real work followed by drinking away your paycheck and showing up to work the next day with a black eye. And if you’re wearing that hat without being one of us, you’ll be showing up with a black eye to your job, which I assume is being a social media manager.

Wow, you really had me fooled there for a minute. Those look like a hard workin’ fella’s jeans with all the rips and tears. Plus, those boots seem like they’ve been to hell and back. Can’t say I care much for that big ol’ yellow tag on the back of ‘em, though. Now, about that black eye…