Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Band Confused Over Punctuation Accidentally Releases Enormous New 7’ Single

Posted on November 22, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

BRISTOL, Conn. — Embarrassed members of sludge-punk band Grinch Meat are allegedly kicking themselves after forgetting an apostrophe and ordering hundreds of gigantic seven-foot singles, astonished sources report.

“I’ll never forget the feeling of confused horror washing over me when I heard the beeping of all those 18 wheelers backing into our rehearsal space. Then, out they came, the biggest slabs of vinyl I’ve seen in my life. You could side a whole apartment complex with one of these things,” said Grinch Meat bassist and singer Randall “Pluto” Frenette. “Nobody wants to take the blame on who messed up inches and feet, but I swear it wasn’t me. I learned my lesson from the ‘Spinal Tap’ Stonehenge scene.”

Though the members of the band are frustrated over their mistake, Grinch Meat’s merch person is content with the misunderstanding.

“I’m just glad to be working outside in the open air. These new singles are too big to fit through the doors of any venue within miles of here, so I set up the table out back. On a clear night I can see the stars…I got no complaints!” said merch guy Elliott Milsap. “Plus, I’m getting super jacked lugging those things in and out of the trailer. I hope they record a full length soon, so I can strap a few of these to my back and use them on leg day.”

Electrical engineer and acoustician Helen Lowe has been hard at work with the band to figure out how to play the disc without use of a conventional-sized turntable.

“We’ve discovered that if you hold a big stick-like item, say a shovel or a cane, into the record groove and run along the top while dragging said item, you can get a pretty good sound out of it,” said Lowe. “I mean, let’s face it, their music was pretty unlistenable in the first place, now they’ve got the merch to back it up.”

“It’s understandable that the band’s clientele may not want to put such effort into listening to just one song,” Lowe added. “So I’ve been pushing the band to start selling them as pool covers.”

Failing to sell their new single at shows, Grinch Meat decided to unload the entire run on local thrift stores, squashing several Goodwill donation kiosks under the weight in the process.

If You’re Not Furious About This Issue I Just Learned About 10 Seconds Ago Then We’re Not Best Friends Anymore

Posted on November 22, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

Did you see that article I sent you 10 seconds ago? The one about that mayor in Colombia who sold the town’s water rights to Coca-Cola? You did? Well since you never said anything about it I just figured that either you didn’t receive it, or you fully support multinational corporations extracting valuable resources from vulnerable populations on behalf of their wealthy governments. And if that’s the case, you can go right ahead and fuck off!

Obviously I don’t mean that. You know I have a tendency to get hot under the collar immediately after learning about literally any new issue, but this issue is especially important to me, okay? Oh, and another thing. If you don’t lose your shit about this right now, we’re done as friends.

Also, I know we were going to the movies today, but I don’t want to see the one you chose. The director of that film sits on the board of a non-profit organization that funds hundreds of causes, including one that sends care packages to soldiers stationed overseas. So I’m not going to support him. You still are? Alright then. I didn’t realize that my best friend loved to benefit from the global imperialist structures that rebranded colonialism as helping the world, but I’ve been fooled before.

We’ve been inseparable since first grade when I was the new kid at school and everyone else made fun of me because I wasn’t from here, but I’ll throw all of that away right now. It’s 2022 and things are different. There’s no hill too small to die on, motherfucker!

You know what? Don’t text me ever again, okay? How’s that? Maybe I’m throwing away a lifelong companionship and an irreplaceable best friend, but so what? At least I have a clean conscience over it. Now get out of my face fascist. You disgust me.

Nation’s Boomer Parents Suggest “Just Picking Up the Phone and Calling” to Get Taylor Swift Tickets

Posted on November 21, 2022 by Jessica Lillian

UNITED STATES — Aging parents across the country encouraged their children to “just pick up the phone and give Ticketmaster a call” if they want to secure tickets to Taylor Swift’s “Eras” tour, frustrated sources who actually grew up using the internet confirmed.

“Phones are for phoning, not for watching your little videos and sending emails to your friends,” said 60-year-old Carol Clydermann. “My daughter looked at me like I had two heads when I told her to pick up the phone. I have a nice cordless phone that is fully charged, so she shouldn’t worry about it dying if she gets put on hold. I was young once too, and when I saw Wilson Phillips in 1992 I called and got my tickets no problem.”

“Look, there is a number right there on the website, this isn’t rocket science” the elder Clydermann insisted, lowering her reading glasses and emphatically tapping the Yahoo! search results on her iPad.

Adriana Naughton, 29, is one of the many so-called “Swifties” who eventually resorted to fibbing after fielding multiple “really annoying” requests from her father.

“Dad kept saying I should ‘stop crying and just call [Gillette Stadium] directly.’ He told me that one of my uncles used to have Pats season tickets in 2004, so if I used his name, there wouldn’t be any problem,” said Naughton while signing a petition to join a class action lawsuit against Ticketmaster. “The final straw was when he suggested we drive down to Foxboro and go directly to the box office, I couldn’t stand a two-hour car ride with him listening to right-wing talk radio so I finally just told him yes, I left a voicemail with ‘Lucy’ and just pivoted to asking about the turkeys on sale at Costco super fast.”

Family therapist Matthew Silvio, LCSW, explained that in times of extreme stress, parents naturally turn to trusted, familiar solutions to try to help their children.

“In their day, the telephone was an effective way for the Boomer generation to connect and reliably obtain desired items,” said Silvio. “When they perceive a threat to their offspring, such as a natural disaster or a 12-hour error-riddled online ticket queue, phones may be inaccurately viewed as a lifeline. They don’t understand that the world has changed, paper tickets don’t exist, and that the people running Ticketmaster should be dragged out into the street and executed.”

At press time, the nation’s parents had moved on to asking whether anyone had even tried asking the manager at the local Strawberries music store, which shuttered in 2006.

Recording Academy of America Members Admit Turnstile Grammy Nominations Were Desperate Ploy to Save Money on Blink-182 Tickets

Posted on November 21, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Leaked emails from high-ranking members of the Recording Academy of America suggest that the three Turnstile Grammy nominations were a subversive attempt to get guestlist spots to next year’s Blink-182 concerts.

“Can you blame us? I looked up tickets for the second Los Angeles show and they were like $900 for nosebleed seats,” said NARAS President Harvey Mason Jr. while shredding piles of documents. “Some people have said we should have just nominated Blink for their new song ‘Edging,’ but come on, nobody would have fallen for that. People actually listen to Turnstile, so it was an easy choice. The music industry is built on scratching each other’s backs anyway. All we need is 75 guest list spots and I can basically guarantee them ‘Best Rock Performance.’ Hell, last year Dream Theater won ‘Best Metal Performance’ because Mike Portnoy said he would give my nephew drum lessons.”

Other nominees for the 2023 Grammy awards started to suspect the Academy wanted favors in return for consideration.

“We were all surprised by the nomination for ‘Best Rock Song,’ then a couple of old men showed up at my house with towels and swim trunks and I started putting things together,” said Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea. “They told me they were with the Academy and wanted to go for a quick dip in my pool. It really caught me off guard because it’s been pretty cold in Los Angeles, but I said yes for the hell of it. They stayed until about 2 a.m. and I think one of them broke a bottle and some of the glass got in the pool. That’s really dangerous so they better give the Chili Peppers this award or I’m sending them a bill.”

Independent watchdog groups that try to limit corruption in the entertainment industry admit they are powerless against quid pro quo deals.

“This has been going on forever, and frankly we’ve given up trying to stop it. The best we can do is cash in on some of the perks,” said Gloria Banks, a chairperson at Alliance for Ethical Accountability. “We kept our mouths shut this year and we got a bunch of vegetables from Brandi Carlisle’s personal garden, and I’m getting three nights for free at an Airbnb in Sweden owned by ABBA’s manager. It’s sad this is the way things have to be, but I don’t really care. I got a 30-second video from Harry Styles saying ‘I rock.’ I can die happy.”

At press time, the Recording Academy of America published a video on their YouTube channel reminding record labels that cash bribes were still the best way to guarantee their artist wins.

Kind of Sad: James Hetfield Is Still Walking Around Dressed as Eddie From “Stranger Things”

Posted on November 21, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

We all loved when James Hetfield debuted his Halloween costume, which was a tribute to everyone’s favorite “Stranger Things” rocker Eddie Munson. But almost a full month later, James refuses to change out of the costume. Even worse, he only responds to people who call him “Eddie.”

“I loved the outfit at first,” said Metallica bass player Robert Trujillo. “But the whole thing is starting to smell like death. The shirt used to be white, now it’s a dingy yellow with a bunch of grease stains. The pants have a strong odor of piss, but I’ve been spraying James, er, Eddie, with Febreze every time he walks by me to take the edge off. The worst part is that the cheap wig he bought has a bunch of bugs in it and they are getting all over the tour bus. And I think his skin is having a bad reaction to whatever the wig is made out of because his face has a nasty rash.”

A small portion of the internet was broken when Metallica posted their singer in costume on their official Instagram page, but now lots of fans are hoping the singer gets the help he needs.

“I remember seeing the photo and thinking ‘hell yeah, that fucking rocks man, he looks just like Eddie.’ Then they kept posting another photo each day and the captions kept getting more deranged. I think the last one I saw just said ‘How many frogs have you seen today?’ or something like that,” said longtime Metallica fan Laurie Hernandez. “I hope he hasn’t fallen off the wagon or something. But they need to stop him from posting any more photos because it’s depressing now.”

Joseph Quinn, the actor that portrays Eddie in the hit Netflix show, is also getting a little tired of the costume.

“Yeah mate, I met Metallica backstage a few months back and jammed with them. We had a great time but I stupidly gave James my phone number. Now he texts me at like 3 a.m. saying ‘Chrissy wake up. I don’t like this, Chrissy. Wake up!’ and then he’ll send me a picture of him doing the devil horns while sitting on his toilet. Then it’s a video of him screaming ‘THIS IS MUSIC!’ and farting into the phone,” said Quinn. “And he’s always telling me I need to stop by and play Dungeons and Dragons. I don’t care for that game at all. A character I play likes it, not me.”

Metallica also noted they will only play the solo from “Master of Puppets” on their next world tour with the rest of the set being James reading erotic fan fiction about Eddie’s sexual adventures in the Upside Down.

Deluxe Box Set Features Over 40 Unreleased and Completely Unlistenable Live and Demo Tracks

Posted on November 21, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Indie rock legends Theory of Judah released a new deluxe box set that features terribly recorded and half-baked versions of all of their classic songs, confirmed label representatives.

“This one is for the die hard fans out there. We have been sitting on these recordings for a long time, and we never thought they would see the light of day,” said frontman and principal songwriter Anthony Porter-Lamply. “We included a bunch of demo tracks that were recorded in my basement in the ‘90s where it sounds like we are playing underwater, and there is also an infamous live recording where some wires got crossed and you can hear the sound guy complaining about us the entire set. He calls us a lot of nasty names, you need to buy the box set to hear it.”

Fans were initially excited about the prospect of a new box set, but were disappointed when realizing what it would include.

“I was hoping this would be a reissue of their first four albums that have been out of print for 30 years, but instead it’s basically the equivalent of musical garbage they scraped off the bottom of a trash can,” said longtime supporter Anya Helig. “This isn’t the first time Theory of Judah has let me down. Back in 2008 I bought a four-disc DVD that was supposed to document a coast-to-coast tour, but there were like eight minutes of them playing on stage and about 64 hours of them sitting in various green rooms talking about their favorite episodes of ‘Frasier.’”

Executives at Theory of Judah’s record label are anticipating a lot of positive buzz around the release.

“There is no easier way to cash in than to release another ‘collector’s item’ for all the rubes out there dumb enough to throw $140 at us. I’ve personally listened to every song in this box set and I can say with confidence that each and every second of it is a waste of time,” said Tricapital Record CEO Les Wilshire. “But here is what we are going to do, we press it on clear green vinyl. Claim it’s limited edition even though we are going to print thousands of them, and then I’ll count my cash on my new yacht while I’m off the coast of Sardinia. It works every time.”

The new box set will also be packaged with a 72-page booklet featuring copies of tour van rental agreements and hotel room receipts.

Indie Fan Underwhelmed by Local Zoo’s New Arctic Monkeys

Posted on November 20, 2022 by Audrey Vieira

NEW YORK — Local indie fan Ian Hudson was completely unimpressed with the Bronx Zoo’s new “underwhelming and derivative” arctic monkey exhibit that opened last Sunday, sources who knew them before they were trendy on the Discovery Channel reported.

“I liked the arctic monkeys better when they played in smaller enclosures,” said Hudson while smoking a light blue American Spirit. “Ever since I saw them in a tiny cage at the London Zoo back in 2007, I’ve been one of their biggest fans. But that was before they were popular. Now they’re just wandering around the habitat and eating fruit. It’s like they don’t even care about the people who supported them from the beginning.”

College student Isabelle Burdock, who last saw the arctic monkeys five years ago at her hometown zoo, had kinder words about the new additions.

“As soon as I heard the Bronx was getting an arctic monkey exhibit, I bought tickets for opening day,” Burdock said between sips of a Mexican Coke. “It’s really exciting to watch them play in this huge new habitat. The new tricks aren’t as intense as their older ones but I’m still having a great time. The people complaining need to get over themselves. If they want to be pretentious about smaller, more underground animals, the rodent exhibit is on the other side of the park.”

Zookeeper Tracy Innes acknowledged the attraction’s polarizing fan reception but urged disgruntled visitors to give the monkeys’ new material a chance.

“Ever since we announced this exhibit, my colleagues and I wake up to multiple missed calls from people high off their asses complaining about how much the animals changed when they went mainstream,” said Innes. “Arctic monkeys were all the rage with hipsters and college kids 10 years ago. They’re not going to do the same tricks they did in the past. They need new forms of enrichment in their enclosure to survive in captivity. Anyone who actually works with primates would respect that kind of evolution.”

At press time, Hudson was in considerably better spirits after leaving the primate exhibit to watch the zoo’s fleet foxes play with a piece of ragged wood.

Review: Grey Daze “No Sun Today”

Posted on November 20, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

Every Sunday we go back in time to review a notable record from the past. This week we focus on Chester Bennington’s band Grey Daze and their album “No Sun Today.”

I wanted to do a proper review of the final Grey Daze release in 1997, right down to the location and manner in which I listened. So naturally, I went back in time to November 1997 (Easy enough. My apartment complex has a time machine, in lieu of a pool and on-site laundry) and made my way to the Buckland Hills Mall FYE, the local CD store of my youth, to hear it on the complimentary listening stations: the way the album was meant to be heard.

Unfortunately, my plan got derailed pretty quickly when I realized how much gasoline the twenty-nine dollars in my pocket could get me in “1997” money. This was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up, naturally. However, that meant the security guards at the mall were pretty suspicious of me, what with the giant industrial drums I was trying to lug into the record store. Luckily I was able to create a diversion by lamenting the then-recent passing of John Denver. We all shared a cry and a chorus or two of “Rocky Mountain High,” and I was able to slink in, gas and all.

After securing a listening station between two respective slackers laughing at Jerky Boys albums (ah, the 90’s!) I noticed a throng of people making fun of a pudgy 9-year-old, who funnily enough was wearing an ill-fitting Animaniacs shirt that I had when I was nine. His peanut butter-smudged fingers were clutching a copy of the “Muppet Treasure Island” soundtrack, a favorite album of my very own in my youth, and looking around for his mom or dad to plead for a copy…I knew right then and there: I had to join in with the throng and make fun of this lame-ass elementary schooler. I popped off a couple of killer riffs, especially on his bowl cut which I’ll bet hit him particularly hard, since I know I didn’t like it when folks made fun of MY bowl cut when I was his age. Anyhow, back to the album…

Just as I was going to put the headphones back on, a guy burst into the FYE screaming “It’s done it! Supercomputer Deep Blue has defeated Chess Champion Gerry Kasparov!” Well, needless to say, the place went nuts. Champagne corks popping, fireworks going off…Manchester Connecticut is a Deep Blue town, sometimes you forget these things! At first, I said, “wait…it’s November, didn’t that happen months ago?” And a crowd of people started booing me. To save face, I yanked out the headphone jack, cranked up “No Sun Today” as loud as it could go, and joined the revelry. It was an afternoon that would go down in Buckland Hills history!

And now I’m back in 2022, and give this album two thu-RATS! Why didn’t I invent the damn Xbox while I was back there?!??? Ah, man! Next time I guess…

Score: Hindsight 20/20

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Bathroom in Fancy-Pants Bar For Billionaires Has Mirror You Can See Yourself In

Posted on November 20, 2022 by James Webster

NEW YORK — Local punks using the bathroom of a supposed dive bar felt betrayed when they realized they could see themselves perfectly in the mirror above the sink, confirmed sources ordering the most expensive canned beer.

“I felt like I was about to shit my pants, so I ran to the bathroom and everything seemed fine. The toilet was nearly overflowing, the door on the stall was missing, but then out of nowhere I see a pristine piece of glass,” said wasted patron “Peg Leg” Greg Auster. “A bathroom mirror is supposed to be covered in stickers, scratched to the point where you can’t see anything, or completely painted over. I came to this bar to be around like-minded people, but the fact I could see a clear reflection of myself made me realize this bar is for the richest Sheikhs of the Middle East or the British Royal Family. I’ll never shit on the floor of this place again.”

The Silver Trough owner and proprietor Eddie Lewis defended his decision to add a new mirror to the bathroom.

“Property values in this neighborhood are going up and I might want to sell this place someday. What says ‘luxury’ more than an 18×12 pane of reflective glass barely held to a wall by a few angled nails? Nothing, that’s what,” said Lewis. “Some of my regulars are already calling me a sellout, but ever since I put in that mirror, we have had more high-end customers that order mixed drinks and actually leave tips. I might look to upgrade some other aspects of the bar, like stools that don’t give you nasty splinters, or getting rid of that family of raccoons that live in the pool table.”

Jon Taffer, host of “Bar Rescue,” says minor upgrades to watering holes can often ostracize clientele.

“There was a punk bar in Baton Rouge that I did some consulting for. All I did was buy the barback a fresh rag for her back pocket and everything went to shit. The regulars revolted. They wanted the same 15-year-old filthy rag wiping the bar and their glasses that they were used to,” said Taffer. “I ended up leaving the establishment when a customer pulled a knife on me because I tried sweeping up some broken glass and rusty nails that were on the floor. These punks like things a certain way.”

Management at The Silver Trough further alienated their customer base by updating their Google listing with accurate hours of operation.

Help! I Accidentally Listened to Christian Rock and Enjoyed It

Posted on November 20, 2022 by Tim Sheard

Upon arriving in Tennesee for my friend’s wedding, I found myself cruising down the road in a rental car, blasting local radio, when something terrible happened. After scanning through about four hundred country stations in a row, out of nowhere an amazing rock song came on. Finally, something I can jam to!

This song had great drums, incredible vocals, and a killer bassline, seldom heard in radio rock songs. It was all perfect while I was cruising down the highway. What was this inspiring sound I had never heard before?

It was all good until I heard the line, “Even when you’re low, He will carry you high.” That’s when I realized “he” was probably not a promising bumble match but instead “he” was Jesus.

Goddamnit, I accidentally listened to Christian rock and enjoyed it. Help!

How could this be? I’ve identified as Agnostic since the age of five, but something in me changed when that melody kicked in. I couldn’t deny it. I was having a good ol’ time singing about Jesus.

Despite all my Irish Catholic blood, I’ve never struggled with religious shame until now. I sat with this for days and mulled it over. What did this mean? Was I now someone who could just enjoy Christian rock?

And you want the truth? I went back for more. That’s right. And I LIKED IT. The other songs were just as sick and just as Jesus-y! So what? I say, freedom of religion includes the freedom to enjoy Christian rock! And if I’m the first Agnostic Brooklyn hipster to admit that, then so be it.

Every Sunday we go back in time to review a notable record from the past. This week we focus on Chester Bennington’s band Grey Daze and their album “No Sun Today.”

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