Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Motherfuckers In the Back Really Wish Hardcore Singer Would Quit Singling Them Out All the Time

Posted on November 19, 2022 by James Knapp

SALT LAKE CITY — Local motherfuckers expressed their displeasure with the lead singer of hardcore band Big Butter for repeatedly and maliciously singling them out for a perceived lack of enthusiasm during a recent show, sources still wearing the earplugs they brought from home confirmed.

“I can’t believe the audacity of that guy! I bet he can hear us just fine, the drama queen. We were clapping, we were mumbling along to the lyrics, one of us even let out a ‘woo’ at one point. If he could have seen how hard we were nodding our heads he would have left us alone,” remarked motherfucker Clifton Marsh. “I really don’t see why he was always picking on us in the back either. I noticed at least four people in the very front who were clearly unconscious and bleeding. I didn’t hear them making too much noise, you see.”

Big Butter frontman Rick “The Churn” Tobolowsky disagreed with motherfuckers’ perception that they were being unfairly targeted.

“I don’t know who the hell those motherfuckers think they are. I have never singled anyone out – you hear that over there?!” shouted Tobolowsky, apparently at a lone showgoer who was waiting to use the venue bathroom. “Besides, if I did, by accident, single anyone out it’s only because they’re a bunch of little pricks who are too afraid to mosh and didn’t woohoo loud enough when I asked if they were ‘ready for this next one.’ And look at that, it turns out, they weren’t.”

Longtime sound tech Rob Stohlert elaborated on how the design of the venue itself can affect motherfucker-singer communication.

“It’s actually by design that the acoustics from the back of the crowd can’t reach the stage. See, if we create a true dead space of enthusiasm in the crowd, it helps keep shows structured and fewer x factors floating around,” explained Stohlert. “Look, I’m unionized and I don’t wanna have to deal with a lot of bullshit. As long as the bands are dead focused on singling out those few motherfuckers, then they’re not gonna notice I never actually bothered to plug in the PA.”

At press time, several more motherfuckers came forward to question where exactly the dividing line for “the back” was so that they could get the hell outta there.

Photo by James Knapp.

11 Excuses to Use For Staying Out of the Pit

Posted on November 19, 2022December 9, 2025 by Chris Bowen

So you’ve gotten to the point in your life where you just can’t fucking take jumping around like a maniac in the pit anymore. Here are 10 excuses that you can use for staying out of the pit, while still maintaining punk/metal as fuck status.

“I had an uncle who lost a leg in the pit once.”

Your uncle was a thrashing maniac in the 80s. Such a maniac that one day during the Combat Records “Ultimate Revenge” Tour in ‘85, his leg was viciously torn off during Exodus’ set. You just can’t fathom suffering the same fate as uncle Dwayne.

“If I jump in the pit, who’s going to drunkenly yell into your ear all night?”
“YEAH, MY BUDDY IS IN A BAND TOO. HE’S GOT A BIG DRUM KIT MAN, I LIKE TO TELL PEOPLE, ‘I’M THE ROADIE I GET IN FOR FREE’ AND JUST CARRY IN HIS DRUM THRONE….” and so-on and so-forth.

“Only counterclockwise pits are real.”

This is also interchangeable with “clockwise pits.” “(X) pits were the only ones you’d ever see at Exploited shows in the 80s, so therefore they are the real ones.” With this logic, you might be able to convince one or two moshers to dance against the currents.

“I have court tomorrow and don’t want to show up with any more missing teeth.”

This is a classic one. You can even get creative as to why you have court. Might I suggest telling them you got drunk at a Texas Roadhouse and started fighting every redneck in sight like a Royal Rumble?

“It would be fucked up of me to spread my ear mites.”

Every self respecting punk knows that certain pests are a pain in the ass to get rid of. If you knew someone was risking their cred by not moshing because they didn’t want to risk spreading their ear mites to the rest of the showgoers, you too, would show much respect.

“I saw that movie “The Pit,” no way I’m going in there!”

“Oh man! Fuck that. ‘The Pit’ was terrifying! That movie traumatized me as a child! No way am I going into ANY sort of “pit!” (Spoiler alert: they never saw that movie, and neither did you.)

“Mmmy ockjaw ish reary actin up tday, I carn’t.”

You stepped on a rusty nail helping to put together your friend’s new DIY venue. Tetanus shots are for posers, so now your jaw is locked up. Just don’t break kayfabe when yelling into the frontman’s mic during singalong parts.

“My leprosy would most likely cause my entire face to end up smeared on the floor.”

I think every single punk, metalhead and venue owner would appreciate it if you didn’t let your rotting, leprosy-ridden mug just slosh around in the pit area. This one may require a facemask, or burlap sack of some sort to cover your face the entire show.

“I think I’ll just rob the merch table at gunpoint instead.”

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE DO NOT ROB ANYBODY, ESPECIALLY THE MERCH TABLE. BUT IF YOU SAY YOU WILL, THAT MEANS YOU’LL MORE THAN LIKELY BE THROWN OUT OF THE SHOW AND IN TURN, STAY OUT OF THE PIT.

“What if something ACTUALLY happens to my knee and my worker’s comp case becomes legit?”

You’ve been cheating the system for a year and a half. Why would anyone in their right mind risk actually getting hurt just to jump around to loud music with a bunch of rabid chimpanzees? Not you, of course!

“My house arrest ankle bracelet tracks my steps and I don’t want the law to think I’ve run out of the county.”

This is another classic. You have 19 DWI’s and you were somehow able to dodge prison and make it to the show. That’s pretty goddamn punk.

Mom Needs Tour Van Home by 11 P.M.

Posted on November 19, 2022 by Ben Friedman

WEST ORANGE, N.J. — Local mother Helen McGuire allowed her sons to borrow her van so their band Uncle Punch could take it out on tour, but only if they had it home by 11 p.m., confirmed sources hoping to keep the van until midnight at least.

“I was already on the fence about them using the van for their little band, but I want to support my kids and their pursuit of the arts, if you could call what they do art. But if they want to do their little tours they better have my vehicle home before that clock hits 11,” said McGuire. “I know what kind of crap young boys get into late at night, I was young once so I know it usually involves having to hose down the seats. That’s why I told them there will be no sex, removing their sister’s car seat, or driving through the state of Virginia. If they don’t like it, they can use their non-existent royalty checks to buy their own van.”

Vince McGuire, the oldest of three and the band’s lead singer, struggled to balance his burgeoning music career and being a good son.

“Why does she have to be so far up our asses all the time? We’ve never even taken the van outside of a three-state radius, how much trouble does she think we’re going to get into in Bridgeport, Connecticut? But it’s not like we have a choice,” said the founding Uncle Punch vocalist. “It sucks, because we get invited to play these awesome clubs all the time that we can never go to. But we just tell people we’re only staying local because we’re ‘testing the market’ and not because it’s mom’s turn in the school carpool rotation. Can’t think of anything less punk than that.”

Tri-state area promoter Frank Dukakis has seen many bands pass through the scene on more than just borrowed equipment.

“We all know bands share instruments, equipment, and even people on a regular basis. But transportation is harder to come by and can be costly, and you can’t blame someone for borrowing their grandma’s 2003 Dodge Caravan over renting a practical cargo vehicle. I mean that’s $40 saved right there,” said Dukakis. “I’ve never seen any shows go off the rails from violence or smashed-up guitars, but nothing stops everyone in their tracks like two pissed off parents demanding the drummer hand over their keys.”

Uncle Punch later announced that the band has gone on an indefinite hiatus after returning their tour van with only a quarter tank of gas.

My Hilarious Tweet Would Have Gone Viral if Not for the Terrible Mismanagement of Twitter Recently

Posted on November 19, 2022 by Matt McInerney

This is bullshit. I do nothing but tweet gold and yet here I am, looking at big fat zeros. Just last night, I was dropping comedy gems on the world and I couldn’t get a single like! You heard me. I’m talking about me, a comedy mastermind at work, and I’m not even sniffing at going viral. There’s only one possible explanation. The recent mismanagement of Twitter is clearly to blame.

“Do cashews and peanuts ever look at walnuts and ask, ‘OMG, what happened?!'” See??? That tweet is a national treasure! Who doesn’t love that? Ever seen a walnut? They are totally fucked up looking! This tweet should have wound up in the Library of Congress. Instead, it laid a big ol’ goose egg all over my page.

Wait a minute. I just had a horrible thought. Do you think I’ve been shadow-banned? Is that what this looks like? I’m trying to engage with my audience of mostly bots but lately it feels like I’m just tweeting into the void.

This is probably just because I won’t pay $8 for that stupid checkmark. That’s what it is! Now that’s some horseshit. They don’t even mean anything anymore! Seriously, if anyone can just pay to get one, why would I even want one? You can always trace it back to the money.

Maybe I’ll give it one last go. I just need to spin one more gold yarn. Think. Think. Maybe like, “Ever see your wet dog after a bath and think: who are you?”

Now we wait…

What the hell?! I’m definitely being blackballed for not going blue. Is this what QAnon is?

Tim Cook Confirms 93% Of iCloud Storage Is Used up by Shaky 13-Second Videos of Turnstile Shows

Posted on November 18, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed startling new data about his company’s cloud storage system stating that nearly all the files saved to iCloud are low-quality live videos of Baltimore-based hardcore band Turnstile.

“We ran a diagnostics assessment and found over four billion terabytes of storage space dedicated to Turnstile videos since they played Coachella last April alone, it’s probably ten times more than that if you were to go back and look at all the videos since the band started,” said Cook while deleting blurry photos of a Turnstile show he attended in Los Angeles. “Cloud storage was once dominated by photos of pets, children, and vacation memories, but now it’s almost entirely dedicated to the genre-bending quartet. And just for the hell of it we’re going to offer an extra five megabytes of free iCloud storage to anyone that buys ‘Glow On’ in the Apple Music store.”

Show promoter Teddy “Fat Hands” Harris wasn’t surprised by the announcement.

“I’ve seen Turnstile go from an unknown opening band to headliners and I probably have about 150 hours of live footage of them taking up space in the cloud. Any time they play there is a sea of phones trying to record every single second,” said Harris. “If you’re standing at the back of the room you need to wear welders goggles or else the phone screens will start to burn your corneas. I made the mistake one time in 2015 and the screens were so bright it reset my circadian rhythm, I didn’t sleep for a week.”

Digital trend experts fear that the rising popularity of Turnstile could lead to severe environmental problems in order to preserve grainy, blown-out videos of the band.

“For the longest time Turnstile was a band that was popular with kids under the age of 16, then suddenly we started seeing a rising number of 45-year-olds clinging to their youth pretending to like the band,” said tech consultant Anna Marie Kester. “Eventually the band started becoming popular in elementary schools and nursing homes. This led to a large variety of people attending Turnstile shows, filming them for short bursts, and posting the videos. Apple is already investing more resources to prepare for Turnstile opening for Blink-182. The electricity they will need to generate to power those computers is expected to emit enough carbon to raise global temperatures by three entire degrees. This will be an extinction event.”

At press time, NASA announced they will mount an expedition to replace the Golden Record on the Voyager 1 spacecraft with a copy of Turnstile’s debut 2015 full-length “Nonstop Feeling.”

Now That We’ve Seized the Means of Production, Does Anyone Here Have Managerial Skills?

Posted on November 18, 2022 by Eric Navarro

We’ve done it, comrades! We fought the bourgeoisie tooth and nail and ultimately seized the means of production. We can remake the world in our utopian image. We can rally together, paving the way for a new working class that upholds equity and meritocracy and will hopefully inspire others around the world to do the same. That said, we’re pretty fucking disorganized right now. Does anyone here have managerial skills?

To clarify: we don’t want management experience. If you have that, let us know so we can hang you like the others.

We have to get our shit together quickly, while the fire is still burning. And I mean that literally. The fires that resulted from our merciless revolt are still burning all over this factory and we will all asphyxiate if we don’t do something about it soon. At this point, someone who just knows how to build a spreadsheet could be a big help.

The world is watching. And we can’t have them see us looking all disheveled and prole-like. Tuck that shirt in, comrade! In fact, we should probably institute a dress code. And a work schedule. Can anyone here help take the lead on that?

You know what, if no one is willing to step up and take some charge around here, I will. Within mere days of my leadership, we will be ready to show the world our perfect society! Hey, wait, what are you guys doing with that noose?

Rockabilly Ex-Smoker Rolls Pack of Nicorette Into T-Shirt Sleeve

Posted on November 18, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

WAKEFIELD, Quebec — Local rockabilly scene member and ex-smoker Dewey “Hepcat” Henderson recently rolled a pack of Nicorette up into the sleeve of his t-shirt, according to sources who still smoke.

“I quit smoking—Or at least I’m trying to. The not smoking part is always a struggle, but I really find myself missing a lot of the smoking-related rituals too, sashaying a pack of cigarettes under my sleeve for all to see,” said Henderson as he tuned an upright bass. “Not getting cancer is good. But this stuff just doesn’t hit the spot after I change the struts on a ‘57 Chevy, or when I take my best gal up to lover’s lane. Why, I’d trade all the Carl Perkins records in Memphis for just one Lucky Strike. On one hand my sense of taste has never been better since I quit smoking darts, which is good, but on the other hand I have to always chew Nicorette, so that’s a drag.”

Henderson’s new habit was noticed by others in the local rockabilly scene, whose members often adhere to a strict dress code.

“He looks like a total square,” said local greaser Steve “Blacktop” Ballard as he gave someone a homemade tattoo with oil he wrung from a rag. “Especially since he always walks around with a stick of gum behind his ear. Makes me embarrassed to be seen at the drive-in with him. He’s a tough kid, great fighter, but he’s always chomping away at that gum like some bad movie villain. Plus he’s been messing up his pre-rumble dance numbers, which I’m sure is also related.”

Experts say that adapting counterculture values from the 1950s to modern society is a challenge for many of today’s rockabillies.

“Mixing yesterday’s rebellious values with today’s focus on physical and mental health can be a fine line to walk,” said pop culture expert Samir Athi as he browsed songs on a jukebox. “Sometimes they can be loyal to outdated, damaging values and misinformed, rose-colored nostalgia. Sure we love the sock hops, pompadours, and classic cars, but people forget that rockabilly has deep roots in the appropriation of Black culture, incest, and illegal street racing that’s claimed countless lives. But hey, I for one praise ‘Hepcat’ Henderson. Good on him for modernizing old rockabilly tropes, even if in this case he’d look way cooler if he just started smoking again.”

At press time Dewey “Hepcat” Henderson was seen lighting a piece of Nicorette with a Zippo.

Checkmate Liberals: I’m Insanely Wrong About Everything but Very Good at Chess

Posted on November 18, 2022 by Dan Rice

So, you thought you could outwit me, did you? You thought you could waltz in here and effortlessly diffuse my attacks on your ideology? That you could categorically debunk every one of my outrageous claims without so much as a google search? Well, you were right, I clearly have no idea how the world works, but I still own this chess game. Checkmate!

Don’t try to lay into me with that “white privilege” talk. Unless of course, you’re referring to real-life “white privilege” which you forced me to concede begrudgingly is a thing. But as far as the statistical advantage I had playing white and therefore making the first move goes, my rook/bishop/pawn advantage is high enough point-wise to indicate that I would have won this game even if I were playing black!

I might be one of the most toxic examples of a “free thinker” since Bobby Fischer, but I’m the best-damned chess player since Bobby Fischer!

Perhaps if you hadn’t been so busy proving that Trump did not win the 2020 election you would have castled queen-side while you still could, but alas no. Now the day, save for a single argument about anything that actually matters in this world, is mine.

You cited ironclad data when I called Covid a “liberal hoax” and exposed my anti-vax sentiment to be nothing more than the warped snarl of a paranoid mind, well done. You also aligned your rook and your king, a critical mistake in chess!

I destroyed your mid-board defenses as effortlessly as you ruined my argument that modern-day republicans can take credit for ending slavery. You may have won the conversation, but I have one this arbitrary little board game! Check and mate libtard.

Oh wait, you can actually block my queen with your knight. Okay fine but that just delays the inevitable, for I… hmm, that actually puts me in check while simultaneously attacking my queen with your bishop. Okay… I’ll offer a draw?

Bassist Placed in Kick Drum After Band Can’t Find Any Blankets

Posted on November 17, 2022 by Antonio Cruise

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Bassist for grindcore band Apocalypse Cow was reportedly put inside of a kick drum during sound check after his bandmates could not locate a small blanket, witnesses who heard panicked sounds coming from the instrument confirmed.

“When we were unpacking our gear, I noticed that the blanket we normally use to mute the kick drum was nowhere to be found. At that point my bandmates and I huddled together to try to find a quick solution before the show was set to start,” said Apocalypse Cow lead vocalist Thomas McDaniel. “We needed something that was somewhat solid, could absorb a decent amount of sound waves, and not particularly valuable. And then it dawned on us that Hunter, our bass player, checked all the boxes.”

Hunter Burkman noted that he was happy to help out the band and enjoyed the experience of inhabiting an instrument.

“We’re all like a big family, and I was happy to come through for my bandmates. And I must say, I really appreciate them helping me contort my body so that it could fit it into that tiny cylindrical space,” stated Burkman. “One thing I found surprising was that it was actually cozy being in there. I felt this sense of warmth and safety–how I imagine an unborn child might feel in the womb. And when our drummer did the double kick parts it almost felt like a good deep tissue massage. Honestly, I crawled out of there refreshed after the show.”

Veteran sound tech Rowdy MacAnerney explained that there are a wide array of items that can help achieve the desired dampening effect on a kick drum sound.

“Yes, ideally you’d want to put a thin blanket or rolled up beach towel to muffle the overtones, but if you are in a pinch, a five-foot-nine Cacuasian in the fetal position will do the trick as well,” said MacAnerney while chuckling watching a video of Burkman curled up in the kick. “Not a lot of bands know this, but if you can get a couple of healthy kidneys pressed up against the drum head, you’ll get that punchy thud you’re looking for. Just remember to loosen the head a little bit to get some oxygen in there. A limp body won’t work.”

At press time, Burkman was seen aggressively stretching prior to the beginning of a show.

I’m the Guy That Decided Porn Ads Would Be Twice as Loud as the Video No Matter What

Posted on November 17, 2022 by Jerrod Kingery

You don’t know me, but chances are you know my work. Such is the world of advertising, you have a hand in people’s day-to-day lives without them even realizing it. That’s how you know you’re doing your job. And while I love and stand behind everything I’ve worked on in my career, there’s one innovation I’m particularly proud of. I’m the guy who decided ads on porn videos should be twice as loud as the clip you’re trying to watch.

Why do I do it? Because my artistic work shall not be ignored. TV commercials being louder than the programming they run in has been a complaint for generations, but hitting the mute button on the remote control is quick and easy. But when you’re sitting in front of a laptop in a darkened room as you click on a PornHub video, only to be greeted with 15 unskippable seconds of a computerized voice bleating “TRY NOT TO CUM!” while two CGI orcs fuck reverse-cowgirl in some freemium game’s desolate wasteland, your sex-addled brain can’t connect the dots fast enough to let go of your genitals to skip it before it’s finished. At which point you will have bore witness to my art.

I remember pitching this idea to my boss just after we won the account for SemenBlast Cum Exploder. When it came time to break the script I said, “we should hire a woman to moan loudly into a microphone and absolutely crank that shit up in post so the viewer has no choice but to really be present when experiencing my masterpiece.

Also, I do it because it’s really fucking funny. That’s honestly most of the reason.